I'm miffed no one from Major League Baseball sent me the memo, clearly widely circulated recently, that we are now in mullet mode, or what might also be called the mullet milieu. Scrutinize the hair-doos of these playoff pro baseball players on your TVs and notice how many of have strips of hair, like tails, down the back of their heads below their baseball caps. Underneath their caps they sport two-to-three inches wide, one-to-two-inches high clops of hair. Flanking the clops are tightly shaven heads.
Call them mullets, or mohawks for you Clubber Lang fanatics out there, or gross. (Cue debate among this audience about the difference between a mullet and a mohawk.)
These players love to mess around with their looks and take advantage of the fact that they can do weird stuff to their hair and not get fired like, say, me, if I walked into my corporate office looking all rebellious and unorthodox as they do.
I first got wind of this trend a few months ago at my son's 14 and under baseball game. The catcher took off his catcher's helmet and there it was, a shaved left and right side of head with the mullet down the middle. The kid looked really scary and intimidating and crazy. I don't encourage my son to text that kid asking if he wants to hang out. Let's put it that way. Who knows what that kid is up to? Treason? Blasphemy? No good?
I wouldn't mess with that kid. Maybe that's why the Major Leaguers are tearing up their hair-doos in this defiant way, to intimidate opponents. Maybe they're like kids and feel peer pressure to partake of mullet madness (which may be over by the time March Madness rolls around again). Maybe they're tired of growing half-grown goat-tees with chin stubble and not getting much negative reaction from the public about it anymore. Maybe they need to tweak the public in some new way and the mullet is their instrument of choice, the anti-social sword they wield.
Back in the day, when I was in college, I never got a mullet with shaved sides and the big thick clop on top. I did cut my hair tight over the ears and keep it long in the back, flowing out to the right and left side of my head all cool like an 80s punk rocker. Picture Billy Idol. But I did shave my head one day and left one little two inch clop right on the top and parted it to the right. I took one look at myself in the mirror, got disturbed, and shaved that clop off. Then I was as bald as Don Zimmer and Terry Francona combined.
I shaved my head to get a reaction out of my fraternity brothers, to see what they would think and say, to get them to wonder what I was up to. There was no memo sent to my college room saying it was cool to shave your head and that everybody was going to start doing it. I got the idea all on my own. Things like memos didn't exist in college.
Shaving my head wasn't creative, didn't look good, and didn't get much of a reaction. A few chicks said they liked it. But still, to this day I'm tormented to have come upon this stark realization. So here's my memo to Major Leaguers: Mullet Mania is a fake fad. Go back to chin music.