The Most Depressing Fans in Sports Today | eye dubya pwn's Blog

06:57 PM ET 05.10
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Every team has its fair share of hopeless, stupid followers. These are the kinds of people who will turn blue with indignation if you begin to imply their precious franchise is as bad as its record suggests. These are also the fans who act like they know more than the coach or owner of a particular franchise, despite the fact they base the majority of their knowledge on what they happen to catch on ESPN during their breaks at Perkins or some other comparable dining franchise.

But who are the most aimless and unknowing fans in all of sports today? The answers probably aren't surprising, since we've seen these jokers at every unsuccessful homestand or draft day of their favorite team, but it's always nice to have these sort of things in a helpful list for future reference. Without further ado, here are the Most Depressing Fans in Sports Today!

NFL: Philadelphia Eagles

Eagles fans are the pinnicale of the "armchair owners and coaches" genus, questioning every single move their franchise makes and being devastatingly wrong every time. "Aw, boo! We don't want Donovan McNabb, he's going to suck! We want Ricky Williams, that's a guy we can really build a team around! Oh wait McNabb's doing good now, we love him! DONOVAN DONOVAN DONOVAN!" Eagles fans change their moods as often as a 8-month pregnant woman, and are often as bloated as one. Remember when people wanted to bench McNabb in favor of Ty Detmer? Golly, that would have been a great decision, wouldn't it? Perhaps there's a reason why the people making personnel decisions for the Eagles have their jobs instead of the fans who show up to every game, and I'm guessing that reason is that they are actually smart. And that whole cheering business when Michael Irvin severely injured his neck in Philly? That was class right there, it really was. That's something to put in the scrapbook.

MLB: Chicago Cubs

I wanted to put fans of the Philadelphia Phillies in here so we could talk about the curious practice of battery-throwing, but I couldn't just ignore the agonizing loyalty of Chicago Cubs fans. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me for about a hundred years, I'm a hopeless idiot. Why don't Cubs fans realize their team's failures are no longer due to bad luck or chance but instead a century-long failure at the organizational level? Is the sewage from Milwaukee draining down into the water in Chicago, mutating their brains into accepting constant failure? It wouldn't be so bad if they weren't so cocky about their team every year--there's no reason to be that hopeful about anything the Cubs do in the off-season after all these years. The Cubs don't always stink because of a goat or whatever the curse is; they stink because their management doesn't care enough to assemble a winning team. Eventually the sun is going to burn out and the Cubs fans' mantra of "there's always next year" will no longer be true.

College Football: Michigan Wolverines

This was a bit of a toss up between Michigan and Ohio State, since both seem to have plenty of fans who are blissfuly unaware that their team always being in the national title hunt is through no fault of the organization's. But Michigan fans just beat out the Ohio State University due to their incessant calls to fire Lloyd Carr despite always being at the top of the Big Ten. I wonder what more they want from a coach who has a big enough name to get his deceivingly mediocre team into the BCS every year? Michigan fans seem to forget that only one team can win the national title game every year, and that team usually has to be good to do so, which more often than not rules out the Wolverines from contention. That's quite an institution of higher learning they're running over there in East Lansing.

NHL: Every team

If you were one of the handful of people across this nation who continued to be fans of the NHL after the league canceled an entire season, then you'd be qualified for a position in the Bush Administration, because that kind of blind loyalty in the face of utter failure and unwillingness to make accomodatations for the people you are responsible for is exactly what our president seems to like. Ignoring such a blatant slap in the face is unbearably stupid and I can't seem to force myself to watch the sport any more outside of the Olympics. The fact that NHL fans seem to love the brutish behavior that bogs down every game with sloppy fist fight after sloppy fist fight also adds to their wonderful mystique. That's exactly what I want to see when I watch sports, two guys on skates slapping each other as the refs stick their thumbs up their rears and eat their whistles. I watch professional wrestling for that kind of crap.

So there you have it, the worst fans in sports. Feel free to add on to my list if you happen to come across it or feebly challenge my logic and grasp of the facts despite knowing you are wrong.

Comments (15) Add A Comment

May 10, 2007 07:00 PM ET

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They booed Santa Claus...

chipperboy1

South Bend, IN

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May 10, 2007 07:28 PM ET

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You hit the nail on the head with the Eagles. Philly fans are a sad breed from a sad sack city as well as the sad sack Southern New Jersey suburbs where even more of these deranged humans come from. The worst yet is going to a Phillies game in July. As soon as the Phillies give up a run (usually in the second or third inning) these morons boo (you haven't heard "boo" until you've heard it from a drunken lunatic from South Jersey). Usually by the fourth inning they're doing the Eagles chant, where they spell out Eagles and then scream Eagles. Three out of five times, they even spell Eagles correctly.

EastCoastKeith

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May 10, 2007 08:29 PM ET

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I love it! (although I have to admit i still care for hockey). Giving the Phillies fans a pass shows how pathetic Cubs fans can be. Taking one hockey team to fit your system...it'd have to be the Toronto Maple Leafs if for no other reason than Leaf fans call Toronto the center of the universe. Reallly. And the last Leafs Cup came in '67. Last time in the finals too.
One minor correction eye dubya: Michigan's in Ann Arbor. Poor old unpretentious Michigan State in E. Lansing.
Keep 'em coming.

Arthur Pincus

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May 11, 2007 01:04 AM ET

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When the sun burns out, the Cubbies will be the last team to acknowledge the fact and to install heat towers at Wrigley ... but the games will continue nonetheless. ;-)

GalaxyJim

Campobello , SC

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May 11, 2007 01:39 AM ET

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Arthur, thanks for pointing out the small error. I'm going to leave it so you look smart for finding the mistake. Thanks everyone for the feedback so far!

eye dubya pwn

Eau Claire , WI

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May 11, 2007 10:10 AM ET

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Ummmm........
Ty Detmer and McNabb were never on the same team.
A lot of Philly fans did unsubstantially boo McNabb "at the draft in New York." Believe it or not, the whole city of Philadelphia was not there.
Not everyone in Philly actually shared the nonsense that went on in NY.
The whole booing scenario was established and set up by a radio talk show host Angelo Cataldi. The word was out that the Eagles were inclined in taking a QB for the number 2 pick in the draft. The radio host took people up in a bus to specifically show displeasure in the Eagles choice for a QB. It was all a rouse and a publicity stunt.

Phillyfan

Paulsboro , NJ

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May 11, 2007 10:19 AM ET

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Also I would like to add for the Cubs fans...
Why is it so wrong for someone to be a dedicated fan to a team?
If anything I respect a Cubs fan that much more because they stick with there team through all the bad times.
Unlike a lot of Cowboy, or Patriot Fans (If you are a true fan this does not apply to you), they all jump out of the wood work claiming "That has always been my team".
Yeah OK, where is the wagon?
When the Cubs eventually win the world series it will feel that much greater.
Hey, it happened for Boston.

Phillyfan

Paulsboro , NJ

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May 11, 2007 10:21 AM ET

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BTW....Philadelphia fans booed Santa Claus, and yes, threw snowballs at him. Very true. But do you even know why? A drunk Santa Claus deserves a good boo and then some. People who dump on Philadelphia and paint the city as a collection of miscreants generalize and stereotype. What's more, everyone forgets about the wonderfully civil fans in New York and Boston, where 4 year olds flip the bird at opposing players. How about that other fun city where the father and 2 sons bum rushed the 1st base coach during a baseball game? Let's make sure we show everyone's spots and blemishes before pointing out one city.

Oso Famoso

Palinville, AK

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May 11, 2007 10:25 AM ET

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Koy Detmer, Ty Detmer, pretty much the same stupidity asking for McNabb to be benched in favor of any particular QB not named Tom Brady or Peyton Manning. And I thought Philly's entire population was twenty rowdy guys who like to boo? I guess I was wrong in that respect, thanks for the correction.

eye dubya pwn

Eau Claire , WI

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May 11, 2007 10:58 AM ET

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Wow, trying to ****-off the whole world today, huh? What about all baseball fans because of the baseball strike? By your logic no one should be a baseball fan. Nor should anyone be an NFL fan due the NFL strike in which scab replacements were used. I'm not a Cub fan, but i respect the hell out of them for sticking with their team through everything.

1Hawkeye1 wants Vida

Clear Lake , IA

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May 14, 2007 06:38 AM ET

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This whole article was a waste of my time. If you're going to bash fans of a team, at least know what you are talking about and back it up accordingly. To me, anyone who cites booing Santa and throwing snowballs at him is just pure lazy. Do you even know wen that happened? How about 40 years ago!!! The time has come to move on, please.

Kevin McGuire

Souderton , PA

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May 14, 2007 07:55 AM ET

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Ugh, what bothers me the most now is that you want to be a jounalist and you put together this slop! Michigan is in Ann Arbor, not East Lansing (which is Michigan State).

Kevin McGuire

Souderton , PA

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May 14, 2007 12:06 PM ET

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I don't recall mentioning the Santa incident in my article, although you bringing it up unprovoked makes me think you feel a bit guilty about it. And I did apologize for the Ann Arbor mistake, so your criticisms are thusly noted.

eye dubya pwn

Eau Claire , WI

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May 15, 2007 05:42 AM ET

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Well I was talking more to the comments that were left for your article about Santa.

Kevin McGuire

Souderton , PA

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May 15, 2007 06:12 AM ET

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Even though I'm an Eagles fan, I'll give you a pass, because most of what you said was right, even if you were a little broad with your brush strokes. Not all of us are like that.

But what I really take issue with is your take on the NHL. Have you even watched an NHL game since 1976? Fighting is drastically reduced, and far from the hoary old "Slap Shot" stereotype. Ice hockey is a game of speed, skill, grace and beauty.