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Dan TM is Stupendous Man
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On tonight's Danfeld:

 

Dan and Josh, having nothing really to argue about, talk about nothing for half an hour.  [insert bass riff here: beeew-boop-a-doo]

 

Dan is sitting alone on the couch of his very tidy apartment.  Door flies open, and a very frazzled Josh shoots through the door.

DAN

Hey Josh.

JOSH

Dan...you got any Cashews?  I'm all out, and I'm dying for some cashews.

DAN

In the cupboard.

 Josh heads to the fridge.

DAN

Why do they even call them cashews anyway?  The first time I opened a bag of cashews, I expected to find money.

JOSH

You gonna drink this Guinness?

DAN

Nah, go ahead, I'm not hungry.

JOSH

Cashews, they were named for the goddess Cashewe...she was goddess of nuts and sheep.

 [Josh pours a tall cold Guinness for himself]  Who you got in the games this weekend?

DAN

Packers, Patriots, Colts, Giants

JOSH

Hmmm....suspect...don't like those picks at all.

DAN

What's not to like?  3 obvious picks, one upset, its textbook!

 Josh takes a sip, and has a big Guinness Foam mustache.

JOSH

Yeah, just can't see it...the Pats have won too many games...Eli is not Peyton...Favre is old...and one of these days Norv Turner is going learn how to coach

DAN

I bet you picked the Dolphins-Ravens game right, didn't you?

JOSH

Well, I don't like to brag...  [Josh sets frosty Guinness glass down on table without coaster... goes back to the kitchen for some cashews]  No, see, I'm picking the Pats, Packers, Colts and Giants.  That's the way to go my friend...got inside info, those 4 are a lock.

DAN

That's exactly who I picked!

 Josh is shoulders deep in cabinet.

JOSH

Didn't you say you had cashews?  Nah, you picked the Packers, Patriots, Colts, Giants.

DAN

I see your point. [gets up, puts a coaster under Josh's beer] Inside info, huh?  How'd you pull that?

JOSH

My friend Big Ben Sacamano.  He drives the Madden Cruiser now.

DAN

Oh, sorry, the cashews are right here on the counter.  [sits back down]

JOSH

Ah.  You ever put Cashews in your beer?  I wouldn't do it with Guinness...but with a lesser beer...well...do you have any Coors?

DAN

I have MGD...

JOSH

That works...

 Josh heads back to the fridge, cashews in hand.

DAN

Cashews?  In beer?

JOSH

Yeah, it brings out the hops, and adds a hint of salt.  I learned it on my travels in the Orient.  Nuts in beer is huge in the orient.

DAN

The orient?  When did you go to the orient?!

JOSH

There was a postal convention there a few years back...a certain postman I know took me as his guest....

DAN

"A certain postman?"  You don't mean...  [sinister voice] Callahan...

JOSH

Yeah, that's the one.  Oh, can I watch the games at your place this weekend?  My TV has a hammer lodged in it.

DAN

Yeah, you can watch the games here.  Just don't answer the phone.

JOSH

When have I ever answered the phone here? What time is the Skins game this week?  Want to make sure I'm up in time for it.

DAN

Oh, you know about that?

JOSH

Are the Bears on before or after the Skins?

DAN

Oh, you're talking about football teams.  I thought you meant---never mind.  Um... the Bears and Skins aren't playing.

 Josh pushing cashews into his can of MGD.  As he's about to set his can down, Dan stealthily slides a coaster underneath it.

JOSH

Wait, how can it be the playoffs without the Bears and Skins?

DAN

Well, for one, it's not 1987.

JOSH

What year is it?

DAN

Get a calendar!

JOSH

Man, cashews and beer....delicious! 

DAN

I'll take your word for it.

JOSH

I stay away from calendars...they are too constricting.

DAN

You know what I hate?  Those page-a-day calendars.  First, you get six of them for the holidays, and the Far Side calendar is always all the same jokes - look, it's a normal situation, but with cows!  That's so funny! - and then you get the presidential quotes one, and half of them are by Dan Quayle, who was never a president in the first place, and you finally find one you might be interested in reading, and you don't look ahead to what's on your birthday because you want it to be a surprise, only you never get to your birthday, because by March you're tired of the whole thing and you've got all this scrap paper sitting around!  

JOSH

I love Far Side. 

DAN

Eh, he has his moments.

JOSH

Man, what fun is watching the playoffs without the Bears and Skins?  It's like watching the Playboy channel when you're not subscribed to it.

DAN

I thought you had stolen cable.

JOSH

No, Callahan has stolen cable...my TV has a hammer in it.

DAN

[sinister voice]  Callahan.

JOSH

You have cookie dough ice cream?

DAN

Do you ever go shopping?

JOSH

Why would I go shopping to stock your apartment?  That wouldn't make much sense would it?

DAN

Cookie Dough's in the freezer.

JOSH

Yeah, now cookie dough and beer...that's a treat.  Wait, this beer has cashews in it...ah...there are more in the fridge though...Sorry, food is the only way I can deal with the realization that the Bears aren't in the playoffs...I mean, it was just a year ago they won the Super Bowl and now, out of the playoffs

DAN

Yeah, it's sad.  But that's what the playoffs are all about - finding new teams to fall in love with because your own is inept.

JOSH

The Bears aren't inept, they just didn't make the playoffs.

DAN

Didn't make the playoffs in the NFC... how is that not inept?

JOSH

Inept is a state of mind...it's one I choose not to handcuff the Bears with.

I'll make this simple for you...  The playoffs without the Bears are like this beer without the cookie dough ice cream.  The creamy goodness, and excitement are gone...but it's still a beer.  Which means, I'll still drink it.

DAN

No wonder I have no problem with an ice cream-free beer.

JOSH

Do you want to try some of mine?  You're welcome to it.

DAN

No, I'll just wait until the Bears have a decent running back.

JOSH

 [shoves ice cream beer under Dan's nose.]  Really, I insist, try some, Dan.

DAN

Ugh!  That smells foul!

JOSH

It will blow your mind man!

DAN

No! I'm not trying it!

JOSH

Suit yourself, you're missing out on heaven

  Phone rings.

DAN

Oh, this is important, keep it down.

JOSH

I got it.  [Josh answers phone.]  Hello?  Yeah...yep...mmmm....don't know, hold on.  Dan, it's for you.

DAN

Did I not tell you not to answer the phone?  [takes receiver]  Hello?... No, that was nobody... He's out of the room now, he won't hear anything.  [motions for Josh to keep quiet.]

JOSH

Yeah, I can keep quiet.  Just gonna grab some cheese puffs.

 Josh heads to kitchen.

DAN

[into phone] No.  No, that was the television.  Yeah, some commercial about cheese puffs.

JOSH

Dan, where are your Bananas?

DAN

No!  No, wait, don't hang up!  [pause.  Dan hangs up phone.]

I told you to be quiet!  You blew it!

JOSH

Blew what?  

DAN

There was this guy I met, calls himself Sneaky Pete, who knows about this place where a bunch of girls play a shirts-vs.-skins basketball game every midnight. 

JOSH

Where are your Bananas?  I want a fried PB-B-CP sandwich.

DAN

You ate all the bananas yesterday.  I swear, your potassium levels are through the roof.

Say, have you heard from Curly lately?

JOSH

Can never have enough Potassium.  [tosses Cheese Puffs, Peanut Butter and bread back into fridge]  Curly mentioned something about trying to get fired from his job...wants to spend more time watching the Pack.

DAN

Well, at least his team's still in.  I wanted to know if he was going to join us for the game.

JOSH

Think it all depends on if he gets himself fired.  Mentioned something about dragging something behind his car.

DAN

I just hope it works better than the bodysuit scheme.

JOSH

That was scary...looked like he was trying to carry grapes in the wrong place.

DAN

No one fails at failing like Curly.

JOSH

Callahan is going to come over to watch the game.

DAN

He is?  Why'd you invite him?  He's a Pats fan!  He and Tracy will sit there the whole time drooling over Tom Brady! [sinister voice] Callahan.

JOSH

Well, he's bringing the Kenny Rogers...had to let him come...I'm crazy for that chicken Dan, crazy for it.

DAN

All right, but you know I'm rooting for the Jags.  It could get ugly.

JOSH

Well, rooting for the underdog is a way of life for people without a team in the playoffs...I'm sure there won't be any trouble.  But don't mention the Colts...he goes nuts when you mention the Colts.

DAN

I'm rooting for them too!

JOSH

Root for them, just don't say their name...I'm begging you Dan...I need that chicken

DAN

Fine, can I say Horsies?

JOSH

I think the accepted term is "Indy".

DAN

Really, the Colts is such an unimpressive team name.  "Sure, we're young now, but watch out, we're going to be big and strong and powerful someday, and then made obsolete by the automobile." 

JOSH

I thought Colts referred to malt liquor?

DAN

Maybe it referred to the guns, but then it was decided that was too violent.

JOSH

Then they went for Malt Liquor?

DAN

At least they're not named after the state bird.  We'd have another "Cardinals" on our hands.

JOSH

I'm grabbing another beer...with you yammering on about Malt Liquor... I think a Guinness-MGD black and tan is in order.  

DAN

Fine, enjoy it.  I have to run, though.  I'm meeting Tracy to spy on some guy with her and give her a second opinion.

JOSH

Okay, see ya later....gonna see if Bryant Gumbel's new show is on.

DAN

All right, don't eat all the cashews.

 Dan exits. Josh runs to the phone, dials

JOSH

Callahan, he's gone...grab the chicken and get over here.  Gumbel Chronicles is on in 5...No, the hammer is still in my TV...What?...Well, hey, Tom caught Jerry, and I'm not going to let that stand.  Just get over here.

 Josh hangs up phone and grabs arm load of beer and food and plops down on Couch, grabs remote....

[TV]

Last week on the Gumbel Chronicles, Bryant couldn't remember Tony Romo's name..."Is it Tom Romo?"

 

Stay tuned for more Danfeld after this commercial break.

Up next: the CSI team tackle their toughest case yet, involving a person with too many profiles.  Andrew Perloff guest stars on an all-new CSI: FanNation. 

Uh, yeah, so this is what happens when we agree too much.  Better luck in the conference championships, I guess.

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