NBA LOCKOUT 2011

911 Operator: What is your emergency?

NBA Player X: I'm locked out and I cannot get in.

911 Operator: Sir..... Slow down, I have a hard time understanding you... Now... you said... what?

NBA Player X: Huffs and puffs. ...Sorry, I sound so frantic, but I've been locked out for a long time--- I need to get in.

911 Operator:  Where are you? Get in where?

Player X: I'm at home.

911 Operator: I'm confused! You said you were locked out? ...Of where?

Player X: I'm locked out of my job!

911 Operator: Locked out of your job?  Why don't you knock on the door and ask them to let you in?

Player X: You don't understand!

911 Operator: Sir, do you have a key?

Player X:  Yes, I do, but, it's not that kind of lockout.

911 Operator:  Oh, it's a combination lock?

Player X: No, you don't understand.  ...I have three mortgages, credit card bills, four car payments due--- I'm starting to get behind in my payments.

911 Operator: Sir, what is your boss's name?

Player X:  David Stern, He's the commissioner; he's the one that locked us out!

911 Operator: The commissioner locked you out?

Player X: Yes, for over three months! Today was the start of the regular season! That's why I want to get back in!

911 Operator: Did you ask to be let in?

Player X: Yes, but he has new conditions....

911 Operator: Should I call a locksmith for you?   

Player X: What's a locksmith going to do for me?

911 Operator: He may be able to pick the lock, or make you a master key... Oh, I forgot, it's a combination lock, correct?

Player X: You're right about a combination, but it's not what you think. The owners want a new CBA (Collective Bargaining Agreement), with a 50/50 split in basketball related income and they're talking about de-certifying the union. I have to get back to work!

911 Operator: Oh, you're a basketball player and you're locked out, off the court?

Player X: Yes, you could say that!

911 Operator: Can you ask the commissioner, Mr. Stern to let you back on?

Player X: Our lead negotiator, Billy Hunter has made all kinds of requests and compromises, but he won't budge.

911 Operator:  The Commissioner--- he's a tough cookie, huh?

Player X: His name say's it all---- Stern.

911 Operator: So, they're making you jump over hurdles and through hoops?

Player X: Yes!

911 Operator: I find that if you jiggle it, or use a bobby pin, that may work?

Player X: It's not about a lock, it's about being locked out!

911 Operator: This lockout, it's about money?

Player X: Now you understand!

911 Operator: It always is!

Player X: What should  I do?

911 Operator: I think I can help! Let me ask you a question?

Player X: Go ahead.

911 Operator: You've heard of the Golden Rule, right?

Player X: Sure, I go to church, it means: Treat others as you want to be treated!  

911 Operator: Well, you're right, but not totally. You understand how it relates to church and religion, but the NBA is not a church and surely, it is not a religion!

Player X: Yeah....?

911 Operator: When you are dealing with owners that are billionaires, all they think about is.... the bottom line---- making money.

Player X: Yeah, so what does that have to do with the "Golden Rule?"

911 Operator: To billionaires, the "Golden Rule" is: "He, who has the gold, makes the rules!"   So, my advice to you, in order to, "Get back in," is: Take your best offer Mr. Stern offered and take it!

Were Out!

Signed,

The NBA Players Association

Copyright 2011 Steve Kay