FanNation - The Republic of Sport

Kobe Bryant-  Despite his extraordinary talent Kobe cannot Keep. On. Ballin'. Eternally.  He may just be the distinguished owner of a high school degree, but he is one of the most articulate, vocal intelligent players in the League.  Not to mention, that at 29, Bryant is already a bona fide future Hall of Famer with 3 championship rings.  Kobe's such a captivating speaker, that this summer he launched a 24 second obsenity laden ragging of Andrew Bynum and Mitch Kupchak's existence into bigger internet phenomenon than a A Night With Paris on DVD/Blu-Ray.  His weekly lambastings of Shaq's infamously pathetic work ethic in the twilight of their Laker dynasty were ESPN's 6PM centerpieces so it's fair to say Kobe is, in contrast to the current climate of broadcasters, (excluding the fearless Jim Gray) won't mince his words.  Together in the booth they could strike fear of slander into the hearts of athletes nationwide. 

Stephon Marbury- Maybe I’ve fallen out the realm of sanity, but hear me out.  Is there anything more entertaining than the ramblings of a volatile ex-point guard who’s retreated to the relative comfort of a broadcast booth?  Just imagine if Tim Hardaway had still been employed by ESPN doing color commentary an NBA broadcast, during his infamous rant against homosexuals in NBA locker rooms?  During Sweeps that would have been television gold.  

On the downside it’s probably not beneficial for America’s youth to be subjected to wisdom from the NBA’s unofficial malignant tumor(copyright pending).  His expedient removal has launched cancerous, dying franchises into the NBA’s elite organizations.

God forbid if his burgeoning Trump like influence sprouts a generation of School of Marbury graduates spreading his axioms.  Starbury’s sage words are like a lead pipe to the head—you probably won’t see them coming.  For all his weaknesses, Marbury is the type of guy I’d like to go back in time to have during momentous occasions in world history.  (Sorta like a real Man of Genius)

 With Steph there would be no insignificant booth banter about Britney Spears during lulls in game action.  Let him burn a spliff during commercial breaks and dawn the audience with enlightenment.  Hey Bill Walton used to blaze and now he spouts colorful hyperbole about Symphony No. 3 in E flat major and Boris Diaw.  Juxtapose Starbury as color commentary next to the consumate professional, Bob Costas on new NBA on NBC packages and let the comedy ensue.

Joe Paterno- Paterno could bestow shards of wisdom upon an audience that only centuries of experience could provide.  Pair him with Lou Holtz on Thursday night matchups and at halftime for his next magic trick, he could crumple then re-crumple the frail Paterno or simultaneously halt both their heartbeats just to prove that a game is never over unless you convince yourself it's over. 

The perfect partner for Paterno besides Holtz during game broadcasts would have to be Todd Blackledge, his national championship winning Penn State  quarterback to berate him regularly on his colossal bust in the NFL.  In fact I'm under the impression that every network should strive for the coach-player banter in the broadcast booth. 

Phil Jackson- Known as the Zen, as well as an increasing resemblence to Lord of the Ring's Gandolf the Grey Jackson has established a reputation as one of the wisest, most sarcastic, and wittiest coaches in the NBA.  His expert correlation between Brokeback Mountain to penetration and kickouts after a loss was enlightening but his musings on "The Triangle" could be dissected more thoroughly.  But what really caught my ear was his inclusion of horses in his sincere apology.  Surround him with the equally philosophical Bill Walton, Stephen A. Smith and ESPN may have finally found a duo (along with the occasional slip of LSD)to mellow out Stephan A. Smith's cantankerous nature.

Damon Jones- one of the most comical players, in the league.  A journeyman as a point guard, he’d probably parallel Charles Barkley as an iconic analyst.   Plug him as a mainstay next to Ernie, Charles and Kenny "the Jet" on TNT,  along with the occasional Magic drop-in and this starting lineup would be in everyone's Fave 5.

Dirk Nowitzki- There has never been an international player color commentate or perform play by play duties for an ESPN game, but Nowitzki will be the perfect guinea pig for this undertaking.  His English has improved remarkably since he entered the league to a point where it’s put Allen Iverson's vernacular to shame and forced Emmitt Smith's 5th grade English teacher want to hide under a rock.  He has an impressive understanding of all facets of basketball.

Steve Nash- If Nash was the same frenetic, witty broadcaster as he is in interviews and as a point guard on the floor, he’ll be an instant success.  His eye for the game is uncanny and his fidgeting in the chair made entertaining fodder for fans during lulls in the action.

Gilbert Arenas- he’s basically a clone of Damon Jones in personality, however, his goofiness channels a bit more of Bill Walton.  I could honestly see Agent Zero wearing that exact tye dye shirt and after every broadcast he could toss his jersey to some lucky hippie.

Chad Johnson- the flamboyant Bengals wide receiver is never afraid to speak his mind and his football knowledge is impressive.  He already considers himself a masterful analyst who frequently opines on players and teams across the league.

Bobby Bowden & Steve Spurrier- Coming to CBS' SEC broadcast, I present the new Beavis and Butthead for the South.  Between the two, there are enough Daggummitts, and coach-em-up analysis to make  Southern football fans feel at home.  Sometimes fans tire of the same old grammatically correct analysts with their fancy words and pretentious degrees in communications and long for a crew which targets the age 60 and over toothless, dusty road, rural demographic.

Lane Kiffin- "We will get them the football. They will play happy, and they will play hard."  With these autistic words the nation was introduced to Lane Kiffin and in one introductory press conference sullied every advancement Geico Cavemen have fought for.  He has a ton of football credibility as Monty Kiffin's son, Pete Carroll's assistant at USC and as the youngest head coach in the NFL, however his extremely limited vocabulary makes Raider legend John Madden's words sound more lyrical than Tupac.

Ladanian Tomlinson- he has absolutely no ego, but he’s one of the least candid athletes of our generation.  His jab at Belichick in a post game press conference was a complete aberration and even Ricky Williams thinks he should break out of his shell.

Marvin Harrison- probably the most timid and docile athlete in sports despite playing a position known for its vocal and eccentric personalities.  Harrison hesitated speaking at the Super Bowl Media Day at the price of a fine; do you think he’d do this for a living?  Your more likely to help catch Nicole Brown-Simpson's "real killer" playing every sand bunker in America than get a headline out of Harrison's mouth.

Since the writer's strike has killed spring television the networks should just order a reality show where they force Harrison to tour the nation giving high school graduation speeches on the Madden bus accompanied by Dickie Vitale, Stephen A. Smith and Jeff Van Gundy on the NBA Nation Bus as they discuss the New England Patriots. In addition Peyton Manning commercials could loop on every television screen while Season 2 would document the ensuing rehab.

Bill Belichick- while his football knowledge may be immaculate, Belichick is the most uncharismatic character I’ve ever heard.  Sayid and Jack Bauer could torture Belichick for the location of more salsa dip  at a Super Bowl party and he'd still find a way to be deceptive by directing them to the tartar sauce.

Tom Brady- When he speaks, nothing comes out.  He rarely speak his mind and just gives off a smug, ingenuine vibe.  In addition, there's always the clear and present danger of Brady making everyone in the booth and production crew uncomfortable by strolling to the set with a live goat in his boxers.

Allen Iverson- Great player, but incredibly monotone and could not succeed as a broadcaster.  Listening to A.I. would be the equivalent to Juelz Santana going AYE! after every field goal attempt.  If you've heard any of Iverson's vulgar albums, he'd receive the first-ever lifetime ban from the airwaves within a week.

Chauncey Billups- one of the most mundane, boring speakers you may ever hear.  I could kill his dog...(Whoops can't say that.) his cat and his tone wouldn't even rise.

Jalen Rose- Too late! Thanks to ESPN's overabundanced of analysts Jalen Rose is now a paid employee of the Worldwide Leader.  However, his over-excited, childish antics get old after a while and while he’s speaking I tend to cringe, thinking at any moment he’s going to drool all over his mic.  Has no one else noticed Rose's voice echoes Sylvester the Cat?

      Tiki Barber- Do I even need to say anything? It’s probably been said before—by Tiki.