Again, there was total agreement in the Josh and Dan camp. We looked over the coming weekend, and saw nothing exciting to debate. We considered flipping a coin…thought about bringing in a 3rd party…even considered turning in a 2 word blog that said “We Agree”. But in the end, we felt we need to do our duty for Queen and Country. We have a queen right?
Actually, we said to hell with all of that…and just started drinking. What follows is a recreation of the events that followed.
Josh: Holy hell, what time is it?
Dan: What? Josh, is that you?
Josh: I think it is...let me check...Yep, it's me
Dan: My head...really...hurts
Josh: Hurts doesn't do my head justice. I feel like a drunken chimp is jack hammering my brain
Dan: I feel like said chimp is giving birth inside mine
Josh: I would 1 up on you on that...but it hurts too much to think of the next one. Did I really sleep on this coffee table all night?
Dan: I guess so. Why is my head at the foot of the bed? And why are my shoes on?
Josh: Wait, where are we? There's something written next to the phone there....what does it say?
Dan: Sweet mother of Donovan McNabb, is that... look out the window! Is that...a desert?
Josh: It's too bright...wait...Airport Econo Lodge....ah, we're in an Econo Lodge
Dan: Thank God. I can't afford anything above a Super 8.
Josh: What does PHX mean?
Dan: Medicine? No wait, I'm mixing up Ph.D. and Rx
Josh: No, it's on a luggage tag...
Dan: WAIT. ARE WE IN FRIGGING PHOENIX?
Josh: Where is that again?
Josh: Man, something is stabbing me in the leg...hold on; something in my pocket is irritating the crap out of my leg...Ah, it was these big plastic covered tickets. Ahhhhhhh.....that's much better.
Dan: tickets? Like...Indiana Jones? "No ticket." Ow, my head.
Josh: I don't know, you look at them...this coffee table is comfortable again.
Dan: Don't go to sleep on top of me... I mean on me...Let me see. Something about a cereal bowl.
Josh: Ow, that joke actually hurt my head more. Cereal sounds really good right now, I could really go for some Oreo Os...very underrated cereal.
Dan: an extra large one with...whatever II stands for. Oh, it's XLII. It's a roman candle. Roman Polanski?
Josh: Sweet....wake me when there's cereal to eat or eggs. Oh, and sausage…wait...no pork chops. Yeah, scrambled eggs and pork chops....with some coffee...and hash browns. Yeah, wake me when you have that
Dan: Whoa. My watch says it's the 3rd. Are we still hung over from New Year's?
Josh: No, I remember most of the month of January
Dan: No, it can't be... Redskins were in the playoffs and that was after... DID WE GO BACK IN TIME???
Josh: No, I dont have a Delorian…Championship Weekend gets a little hazy though...
Dan: Wait... maybe we went forward in time. Wasn't something supposed to happen on February 3rd?
Josh: Well...3rd day of black history month
Dan: Day after Groundhog day...Holy crap, it's the Super Bowl.
Dan: Wait, it wasn't cereal - these are Super Bowl tickets!
Josh: Let me see those tickets!
Josh: Holy Shnikies...you're right...wait...how did we get here...
Dan: I'm so confused. Who's playing?
Josh: These must be fakes...it says Chargers-Giants
Dan: no way...their coaches are horrible! Wait... I remember the Giants beating the Cowboys... and the Chargers beating the Colts
Josh: No way...the amount of egg that would be on our faces right…now...mmmm....eggs....seriously, we need some food
Dan: Let's see if there's a restaurant downstairs. What the hell am I wearing? Did I beat up a trucker?
Josh: Well, at least you're not wearing an Eli Manning jersey.
Dan: Ew, you are!
Dan: you must have lost a bet... wait... with Cass...
Josh: And it looks like it's signed...
Dan: you bet her the Packers would beat the Giants in the championship, and told her you'd wear an Eli Manning jersey if you lost...
Josh: "To my #1 fan Josh. - Edgar". Is that his real name?
Josh: See for yourself
Dan: that's weird.
Could the Giants have actually won?
Josh: Can you think of any other reason in all the world that I would be standing here wearing an Eli Manning jersey? A QB and a team that I've sent all year trashing? Why in god's name would I be in this ridiculous thing unless they won? Riddle me that Batman?
Dan: Whoa, man, chill out, you're hurting my head. Come on; let's go grab a bite of something.
Josh: I really wish I had other clothes right now...this Edgar Manning jersey is already getting to me.
Dan: What's in the bag?
Josh: Empty gin bottles...I already looked.
Dan: You know what we need? We need bloody marys.
Josh: YES. And scrambled eggs, pork chops and coffee...
Dan: Let's see if I remember how to walk...
Josh: The Econo lodge is famous for their resturaunts, right? Please say they are....You look a little like Philip Rivers trying to scramble right now
Dan: OW! **! My foot! ** ** mother ** stupid ** cockney **!!!
Josh: I'm not even going to pretend to know what you're talking about
It's like you have the Giants seconday for legs...
Dan: Well, either I just hurt my foot, or I'm impersonating Philip Rivers talking to fans.
Josh: Or both
Dan: I'm as wobbly as an Eli Manning pass in the wind.
Josh: Good lord, let's get some booze in us so these jokes will start being funny
Dan: Sounds good.
Josh: You have the room key? Wait, I have it...and these tickets aren't leaving our person...just in case they're real
Scene: Josh and Dan are now seated in the booth at the local bar-resturaunt.
Dan: Hi, I'll have a bloody mary, the Denver omelette with hash browns, side of bacon, and do you have cottage cheese? I'd love some cottage cheese.
Waitress: Why in the hell do you want Cottage Cheese?
Dan: I don't know. It sounds right. Do you have it or not?
Waitress: Yes, it's usually part of our "light breakfast" platter...but we can get you a cup of it...and you, Edgar?
Josh: I'll take scrambled eggs, pork chops, hash browns, coffee and a bloody mary. And if any of his cottage cheese ends up on my plate, well, I'm not paying to have the floor cleaned.
Dan: Oh yeah, coffee for me, too. Black.
Josh: Creama and sugar for me...and you make one smart remark about a fruit platter or "that's what my mom drinks" so help me god, this butter knife will be the only tip I leave on this table.
Waitress: Do you boys even remember me from last night?
Josh: Uh....If we say no...would that be bad? Or get my friend here killed? Cause as long as it's him getting killed, I'll be honest
Dan: Thanks a lot, Eggs Benedict.
[Simultaneously to waitress]
Dan: Ooh, do you have Eggs Benedict?
Josh: No, pork chops and eggs.
[Josh turns back to Dan.]
Josh: Focus, Dan, focus…Ma'am....we don't remember the last 2 weeks let alone last night
Waitress: You two were hilarious. You really got this joint kicking.
Dan: So we didn't... at least not both of us... with you? Or anything?
Josh: Great, Dan, after my outburst she was already going to spit in my eggs...now I'll be wearing my pork chops out of here, I feel it.
Waitress: Let's just say you guys scored more than Eli Manning did in the Championship game.
Josh: Crap...come to think of it...where in the hell is my wedding ring? Wait, how many times did the Giants score in the Championship game?
Waitress: Are you serious? You guys seem like such football fans!
Dan: Like he said, we don't remember the past two weeks.
Josh: Alcohol will do strange things to a man's mind.
Waitress: The Giants beat the Packers 35-24, and the Chargers beat the Patriots 27-7.
Dan: Yeah right, the Patriots only scored seven points? What a joker.
Josh: Wait, is this the afterlife? Am I in purgatory? Don't tell me God is a Giants fan? Crap, why didn't I pay more attention in Sunday school...
Dan: Maybe I was right about the whole Norris-loves-Boss, Huckabee-loves-Norris, Jesus-loves-Huckabee thing...
Josh: Did Brady come down with a 24 hours case of Grossmanitis? Did Belichick kill someone after the game?
Waitress: Pretty much. Brady threw three picks, and San Diego controlled the clock. It was an amazing game, I can't believe you don't remember it!
Josh: I'll catch the movie...um...waitress, can you please get me my food? I could eat his left leg, and still have room for his right leg.
Waitress: Fine, Mr. Snippy.
Dan: Hang on, Josh, this makes sense. You and I have been bashing Norv Turner and Tom Coughlin all season...So what would we do if they somehow made it to the Super Bowl?
Josh: Drink until we can't feel feelings.
Dan: Exactly, maybe for two weeks straight.
Josh: I'm getting spit in my food, aren't I?
Dan: Yes, you are definitely getting some moderately hot waitress slobber in your food.
Josh: Crap. I was really looking forward to those pork chops. Ah well, spit is spit
Dan: On the bright side, our Super Bowl tickets are real. How the hell did we pull those?
[Waitress bring the boys coffee, and quickly turns and leaves.]
Josh: Thanks for the coffee, and you're looking particularly lovely this morning. Crap...she didn't even listen to that...There's something floating in my coffee...hell with it, bottoms up.
Dan: The phrase "too little, too late" comes to mind...
Josh: Ahhhhhhhh....okay, that's more like it...a cup of hot coffee-spit will get your brain firing...
[Josh drains his whole cup of coffee in one gulp.]
Josh: How did we get the tickets...oh...now I remember....lots of ticked off Pats fans in CT..."You can have them"...and "Hey Dan....we're going to the SUPER BOWL!!!"...that's all I have in me...need more coffee spit.
Dan: Well, then... sweet, I guess we're going to the Super Bowl. Hey - shouldn't we do a blog? FanNation probably feels neglected. God, we're like neglectful, alcoholic parents.
Josh: I couldn't do another of those after last night. Wait, isn't a blog a shot?
Dan: Maybe you're thinking of grog?
Josh: I'll bet you whatever cash in my pocket that we can ask the waitress for a blog, and she'll bring us a drink.
Dan: All right, you're on.
Josh: But, yes, we need to do our duty for the FanNation faithful! You call her over, she hates me
Dan: Excuse me, waitress?
[Waitress walks over with a surly look.]
Waitress: Yes, Obama seems to be the leader now, are you happy?
Dan: Well, at least there's that.
Josh: Can we have 2 blogs?
Waitress: You didn't get enough of those last night? Kept buying them for anyone in the room
Dan: And I think my friend would like some more spit coffee. Wait, a blog actually IS a drink?
Waitress: You guys should know, you invented it last night. equal parts Jaeger and Creme de Mint with a shot of Jack, and a splash of milk.
Dan: Sounds like something we'd do. What the heck, bring 'em on. Two blogs. And I guess I owe you however much cash you have in your pocket, Edgar.
Josh: Let me see....you owe me...3 dollars....and 52 cents
Dan: I'll have to write a check.
Josh: If you make it out to Edgar, I'll kill you
Dan: No wait, there seems to be a wallet in these pants. It's on the left side - I never put my wallet on my left side.
[Waitress fills both coffee cups again]
Josh: Ah, more spot coffee...thanks ma'am.
Dan: There's a driver's license: Buck Olhansky. Looks like we found our trucker. Still don't know why I have his clothes... and wallet. But here's four bucks, keep the change.
Josh: Um...I'm guessing that's Buck...the guy squeezed into a Philip Rivers jersey, and jeans about 3 sizes too small.
Dan: And said jeans are 5 sizes too big on me. Buck's a big fella. Oh, hey, my shirt says "Buck" on it, too. Well, I guess it's time for Buck and Edgar's Friday Debate.
[Waitress comes over with food and drinks for the boys.]
Josh: And just in time, 2 blogs and our food!
Dan: Thanks, doll.
Waitress: Doll? Who the hell says "Doll" anymore?
Josh: Guys who don't want spit in the coffee.
Waitress: Fair enough, you boys enjoy the breakfasts, I made them special for you.
Dan: Hey, where's my cottage cheese? Oh. Never mind. Looks like I ate it already.
Josh: What do you say, we toast to the blog with a blog?
Dan: To the blog!
Josh: To the blog!
Dan: All right, I don't really care, do you want to take the Giants or Chargers?
Josh: I say we dance with the one that brought us...I'll take Edgar and the Giants
Dan: Or... we could flip for it.
Josh: Listen, I'm parading around in this god forsaken jersey...but flipping sounds fairer. So Heads I take the Giants, Tails you take the Chargers. You flip.
Dan: All right. For the coin flip, we'll be using this commemorative... uh, coaster. Blank side is tails, side with Corona logo is heads. Aaand...its heads, so you take the Giants. Good, I was afraid I'd have to take the Chargers. Hey, wait a minute! Fine, whatever. I can argue the Chargers.
Josh: My superior logic works everytime...
Dan: I think the Chargers will win, uh, because... they have more former league MVPs than the Giants.
Josh: They have 1! If that's the level of argument we're shooting for, I say the Chargers lose because they once employed Ryan Leaf...seriously, why?
Dan: Fine, but seriously, LaDainian's going to be a difference maker. The Giants' line is great for their pass rush, but their run defense is a little suspect. They gave up a bunch of yards to Marion Barber, I can only imagine that Ryan Grant did some damage, and now the league rushing leader, LaDainian Tomlinson? Forget it! Hey, those three guys were my running backs on my fantasy team that won the championship.
Josh: This game is won or lost by the front 7 for the Giants. Seeing how they beat the Pack, that means they got to Favre...and if they can get to him...well...Mr. Rivers doesn't stand a chance.
Dan: Ah, but the Chargers apparently just knocked off a very playoff-experienced, supremely talented team for said team's first loss of the season.
Josh: The words "Miracle" and "Once in a life time" come to mind
Dan: Everything they did to Moss and Brady, whatever that may have been, they can do tenfold to Eli and Plax. Plus, all the dinged-up players have presumably had two weeks to heal…which is about what I think I'll need for this headache to go away.
Josh: The Giants front 4 gets more pressure on the QB than the Pats D-line...that allows the LBs and DBs to take care of the rest. As for LT, he'll have 3 LBs flowing to the ball whenever he touches it...so he's not going to get much at all.
Dan: Just like Marion Barber didn't? Oh wait, he got like 5 yards per carry.
Josh: And obviously, the Giants secondary wasn't an issue against the Pack, and seeing how the Bolts don't have better WRs than the Packers...I like their chances. Wait, did Barber's team win? Nope, no they didn't.
Dan: Well, Barber's team didn't have much of a blitz that day to stop the Giants' offense.
Josh: But did they win? No. Becuase Romo couldn't handle the pressure. And from the end of the Colts game, Rivers can't handle pressure either...tends to scream at fans.
Dan: That's not because he can't handle pressure, it's because he's a jerk. And if you think jerks can't win championships, look at Kobe Bryant's ring collection.
Josh: Basketball is completely different from football...football is the true team game, one jerk can ruin a team. See Owens, Terrell. Seriously, if the Giants can make Favre look silly, they'll have no problem doing so to Philip "Dick" Rivers.
Dan: We don't know that the Giants made Favre look silly, maybe they just won on some good special teams play. Like great punting from Mr. Feagles.
Josh: Yep, the guy with the lowest punting average in the league won the game for them, I'm sure of it. But speaking of special teams play, that's one of the the things that won the game for the Giants against the Boys as well...they kept getting great field position on returns. The one thing that worries me about this Chargers team? Cromartie.
Dan: He's pretty special
Josh: Yeah, and he could make Eli...er...Edgar look very "special" as well.
Dan: Hey, do you think Plax is actually practicing for the Super Bowl?
Josh: His Touchdown and first down celebrations for sure...routes? Probably not. But the difference on offense for the G-men will be a little man named Bradshaw...not Terry...Ahmad. He'll gouge this Chargers team and keep the chains moving...allow Edgar to get the play-action thing going...and that limits Cromartie's big play chances. And that's a good thing.
Dan: You know, I wouldn't be terribly surprised if 5 different backs break 50 yards in this game: LDT, Bradshaw, Jacobs, Turner, and Sproles breaks one. That's what both of these teams can do - you stack the box to stuff the main back, and they throw in another guy to keep you off balance.
You can't really force either one to beat you in the air.
Josh: Yep...should be an interesting one...For the G-men, this is just another Road game...that seems to be magic for them.
Dan: Well, again, if the Chargers beat the Pats, they can beat anyone. So I'm saying 30-27, and Rivers disgraces himself again by being an arse.
Josh: I'll flip that score...30-27 G-men, and call it good. And Rivers still disgraces himself...but the better one is seeing all 3 Manning's on the field taking the trophy....
Speaking of that, this is a whacky one, Eli shunned the Chargers for the Giants....that's a big story here.
Dan: Oh, I'm sure they've been hyping that up for weeks.
Josh: And JerkFace Rivers was the consolation prize
Dan: Along with the draft pick that got them... was it Merriman?
Josh: Who can remember these things…Ask the Waitress
Dan: Heya gorgeous - who'd the Chargers take with the draft pick they got from the Giants?
Waitress: You're really a slimebag, you know that?
Josh: He can't help it, he's wearing Buck's clothes…How'd that happen anyway?
Waitress: Oh, there was a big fight here, you guys and Buck were in the thick of it; I think because one of you called Philip Rivers a jerkface, and Buck fell and hit his head on the counter and died instantaneously. He's still in the dumpster out back if anyone wants to pay their respects. The cops came looking for him the next day, so we sent you into the bathroom to change into his clothes and pretend to be him, and everything was okay, but he was never going home again.
Josh: Wait...then who is wearing Dan's clothes over there?
Waitress: That's your new wife, Josh.
Waitress: Yeah, you guys just got married in Vegas last week.
Josh: Guys? He's a dude? Is that legal?
Waitress: But don't worry, she's cool with what we did last night - she even took pictures!
Josh: Thank god, it's a chick...you said "guys"...sorry...my mind is still sore...Wait, what did we do?
Dan: Um... am I in any of those pictures?
Waitress: Someone had to play the horse.
Josh: Jesus...my wife and daughter back home...what the hell happened...seriously Dan, I'm a dead man...There is a guy in dark glasses over there staring at me...I'll bet money that's a hit-man hired by my wife...
Dan: Calm down, man, you're being very un-Dude...Wait - PLAY THE HORSE? WHAT THE F DOES THAT MEAN?
Josh: She swore...she..SWORE...that she would kill me if I ever did something like this...
Who cares? You're just livestock! My wife is literally going to gut me, and it could be any of the guys in this bar that does it
Dan: OW, my head. It's really killing me. It's getting worse...
Josh: What about that guy over there...the one in the trench coat....
Dan: MY HEAD IS SPLITTING OPEN!
Josh: ....what in the f.......
Baby Dan: Ma-ma. Ma-ma.
Dan: Did I just give birth out of my f****ng head?!?!?!?!
Josh: DAN!!!!! What in the Philip Rivers is going on here!
Josh's New wife: Hi, honey.
Josh: Um...hi...I guess...
Waitress: It's okay boys, you're one of us now. By the way, I'm not really a waitress. I'm NORV TURNER!
[Josh bolts upright in HIS bed…he’s covered in sweat…and his face is a paler white than normal.]
Josh: Oh, thank god, it was just a dream. Ah, it's my bed, my wonderful bed...and no stupid Eli...er...Edgar...no...Eli Manning jersey on me. And my head doesn't hurt! (whispers) Dan?.....Nope, no Dan either! Hey, look at that, my wedding ring.
[Josh notices his wife sleeping next to him.]
Josh: Honey, [gently nudging his sleeping wife] wake up honey. I had the worst dream. Dan was there, and we went to the Super Bowl with the Chargers and Giants in it...[gently rubbing her neck]...and then it got all weird. We killed a guy, and I got married...something about Dan being a horse...thank god I'm home. I love you.
[Josh cuddles up to his bed-mate]
Vince Young: What the F-----? AAAH!!!
[Vince Young bolts upright in HIS bed…he’s covered in sweat]
Vince Young: Huh? My bed... everything's normal... Oh, thank God. It was just a dream. Who are Josh and Dan?
Cheesy? Sure. But seriously, could it end any other way? And Vince, where ever you are, no hard feelings. And you got my digits, call me.
One final note…Dan and I have decided to do a “Live Game Blog” for the championship games. We’ll do periodic updates of the blog, and then chat about the game in comments…all are welcome to join in on the fun. The Blog will be in the Josh and Dan Friday Debate group…and we’ll send out a link to that group when it gets started.
Until then…don’t drink too much…strange things can happen…