Da' Cow is in da' barn, ya'll. The hot stove has been burning while The Cow has been on hiatus, but he's back, so now let's see what's new in this week's ...
This is the second edition of Udderances, and The Cow is determined to make even more noise, give the feature something the last one lacked ... something ... I know, how about ...
Gotta have more cowbell!!
The Cow would like to serve up a big plate of Kobe beef to the Sox's new ace, Diasuke Matsuzaka a.k.a. Dice-K. The Cow has been on quite a roll over the last few years in his fantasy baseball league, his newest cow-coup resulting from the foresight and horse-sense (didn't know cows can have horse-sense, did you?) to add the Far East gyroballer to his reserve pasture before last season. Perhaps it was a little un-sporting for The Cow to e-mail this trash-moo to his leaguemates: "anybody else watching one of their reserve list guys being introduced to a huge press throng as a National Treasure?" But it's all in good fun. Of course, it was disturbing but amusing to learn that during the presser Dice-K's translator was making stuff up as he went along. Sure, it was suspiscious when he started translating one of Dice-K's answers with "hickerry dickerry dock ..." causing The Cow to wonder if the Sox had signed Andrew Dice-K. But, who knew the translator didn't speak English? Anyway, now let's see what the National Treasure's got.
THE COW v. ATARI
While we're on the topic of Japan, The Cow has some cud to spew about their video game industry. The Cow contracted mad cow disease when he learned of the fate of Joel Zumaya's delicate pitching arm, debilitated by the Playstation 2 game, Guitar Hero II [The Cow was also not amused by the quasi-pornographic headline from the Detroit Free Press -- Hummin' Slowed By Strummin' -- from which he learned it]. The Cow wonders whether his own college elbow woes can be traced to the hours wasted in arcades pumping quarters into that damn, addictive Pacman Asteroids machine. If only the statute of limitations hadn't long ago run ...
WORST. SIGNING. EVER.
The Cow remembers a more innocent era when Claudell Washington set the standard for atrocious free agent signings. The Cow would be interested in nominations for the all-time crown in the comments. But whoever the readers come up with, this offseason is likely going to produce the new champion of ignominy. The Cow would like to nominate two before the hot stove season has even ended: Gil "The Mess" Meche, and Miguel Batista. The Mess is just what you want -- an injury-prone innings eater. And M-Bat is not much better -- a mediocrity over 35 years of age. To The Cow, this market makes about as much sense as a butcher shop. When pressed, The Cow will predict that The Mess will be the biggest bust ... but only because he's going easy on a neighbor [M-Bat keeps his barn in The Cow's neighborhood ... though The Cow figures he'll be moving to a bigger farm, now].
TROY O'LEARY FUN FACT #2
The patron saint of TO'LC always gets his props. In 1992, TO'L burst out as a prospect with a huge year for the AA El Paso Diablos, winning the Texas League batting crown with a .334 average, and swiping 28 bases [The Cow conjures an image of him later in his career, obviously after a little too much grazing, and is gobsmacked by the 28 bags].
In the first edition of Udderances, The Cow paid homage to Milky Cabrera, prompting a commenter to respond by invoking the likes of Mike Moosina. Now, The Cow cannot abide Moosina on the all-cow team -- he is, after all, nicknamed "The Moose" -- but has been inspired to span the league. So here it is. Again, feel free to cowchip-in in the comments, everyone:
Wily Moo Pena
Eric Byrnes *
Player who looks most like a cow: Bob Wickman
Players whose names sound like names for cows: Elmer Dessens, Anibal Sanchez
* That's a steakhouse reference, if you've ever been to Tampa
Everyone knows that A.J. Barn-ett is crazy, what with the tattoos and nipple rings and all. Here he is on Blue Jays' media day.