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Dan TM is Stupendous Man

For the third week in a row, Josh and I find ourselves agreeing on every game, namely, that there are no games to be played this week.  So we had the idea that we should have a debate about which one of us was more wrong about the Giants this season.  Somehow that idea transformed into...

[Jeopardy Theme music]

Announcer: Now entering the studio are today's celebrity must be a little hard up for guests...

Known for writing a regular blog on FanNation called "It's 888 miles to Chicago, Josh Harrisking.  

Another fantastic writer on FanNation, there isn't a topic he won't write long as it's football...Dan Brown.  Wait, the Da Vinci Code guy?  No...too bad...we should get him.

Finally, a star of the silver screen...he is best known as the original James Bond...but the current generation knows him best as Indiana Jones' father...Sean Connery!

And now the host of Jeopardy....Alex Trebek!

Trebek: Thank you.  Welcome Ladies and Gentleman to the latest edition of Celebrity Jeopardy.  Jessica Simpson and Peyton Manning had to cancel at the last minute, and that's why we have the privilege of having Mr. Harrisking and Mr. Brown with us today.

Let's take a look at tonight's categories.

Eli'd to us

Just the Plax, Ma'am

Potent Potables

Beating the Tom-Tom

Don't Get Defensive

Collapse in Judgment

We did a drawing before the show, and Dan won the honor to pick first.

Dan: What?  I won?

Trebek: No, Dan, just pick a category and value.

Josh: I thought he said you won too....

Dan: Oh.  Let's go with Don't Get Defensive for 100.

Trebek: He once describe the Giants pass rush as the "Giants' saving grace"

[Connery buzzes in]

Connery: That Holly Hunter is one fine lady.  I'd like to save her a little of my grace, if you catch my meaning, Trebek.

Trebek: Does anyone here actually catch his meaning?

Josh: Nah, I think Mr. Connery needs to head in the back and hit his sausage for a bit.

Connery: Listen you little whippersnapper...

[Dan buzzes in]

Dan: Who is Holly Hunter?

Trebek: No, I'm sorry, that is incorrect.

Dan: No, I want to know.  Who's Holly Hunter?

 [Josh buzzes in]

Josh: Who is Dan TM?  And do I have to buzz in to answer Dan's question?

Trebek: I'd prefer if nobody answered Dan's question and we just moved along.  You are correct.  Pick the next category.

Josh: I'll take Eli'd to us for...what the heck...$500

Trebek: This prayer was parodied by Josh, using the line "Deliver us from Eli"

[Connery buzzes in]

Connery:  Now I lay your mother down to sleep!

Trebek: In the form of a question please.

Connery: Can I lay your mother down to sleep?  Although, she won't be sleeping! HA!

Trebek: No, you may not.  

[Dan buzzes in]

Trebek: Dan?

Dan: What is The Lord's Prayer?

Trebek: Correct!  Choose your category.

Josh: No it's not!  It's the Our Father!!

Trebek: Josh, they are the same thing, you ruddy Catholic.

Connery: I dig your style, Trebek.

Trebek: Thank you, I find your style repulsive. Dan, the board is yours...

Dan: I'll take Collapse in Judgment for 200.

Trebek: Explained the Giants winning at the end of the season by saying "They keep winning games they play badly because their opponents are playing worse!"

 [Without hesitation, Josh buzzes in]

Josh: Who is Dan TM?  And I'd like to go right ahead and take Beating the Tom-Tom for $500, Alex.

Trebek: Josh said that with the coaching job Coughlin was doing, the Giants had a great shot at this.

 [Connery Buzzes in]

Connery: Taking a #1 on themselves.

Trebek: In the form of a question, please.

Connery: What is taking a #1?

Trebek: Can we take that?  Yes, we are going to take that, the correct answer is "What is the #1 draft pick?"  Sean, it amazes me to say this, but the board is yours.

Connery: I enjoy beating my tom-tom from time to time...

Trebek: So Beating the Tom-Tom for how much?

Connery: Your mother usually charges $15.75

Trebek: We'll just go with $100 then. It is the part of Dan that loves watching Eli Manning and Tom Coughlin fail.

Connery: Who is this bloddy Dan person you keep referring too?!

Dan: That's me.  And can I just say what an honor it is to meet you?  I loved you in..., that wasn't it... League of, The Rock.  Yes. Loved The Rock.

Connery: That Nic Cage is a pansy.  He's more of a limp-wrist thrower than Eli Manning.

Dan: Sorry, I just can't believe I'm here with Sean Connery.  I mean, you've actually MET Bokeem Woodbine!  What's he like in real life?

Trebek: Um, can we focus here?  We have a game to play.  Let's not let your psuedo-celebrity status interfere with the game here.

Dan: Do I get to pick a category?

[Josh finally just buzzes in]

Josh: What is the Malicious Part?

Trebek: That is correct Josh, and the board is all long as Dan doesn't start crooning about Mr. Woodbine.

Josh: I'll stay in the same category and Beat my Tom Tom for $500

Connery: HAHA!

Trebek: You've already used the $500 question. And it's Beating THE Tom-Tom, not... oh.  EW!

Josh: Okay, I'll take $400 then...and what can I say, the Tom Tom is there to be beat.

Connery: Right you are boy-o, right you are!

Trebek:  That's it, we're officially changing the category to "Coughlin it Up."

Josh: Can I just have my question?

Trebek: According to Josh, Coughlin and this assistant need to be "shown the door."

 [Connery buzzes in]

Connery: His mother!  I'd like to show her the rear door, if you know what I mean Trebek.

 [Josh buzzes in]

Josh: I just want to state for the record, I have no interest in Tom Coughlin's mother or showing her any door.

[Dan buzzes in]

Dan: I echo what Josh said.  And Who is Kevin Gilbride.

Trebek:  Correct!  Your board.

Dan: I'll take Just the Plax, Ma'am for all the bones.

Connery: Even this bone?

Dan:  Oh sweet Jesus.

Connery:  No, I call him Little Sean.

Josh: Really?  Little Sean?  I like the term "The Captain."

Trebek: Moving right along!

Josh: Give him a sense of dignity and purpose.

Trebek:  Shut up shut up shut up shut up!

Connery: Ah, well played my boy.  Trebek, from this day forth, my John Thomas shall be known as "Capt Sean."

Trebek:  The answer is: Josh once stated that these two cornerbacks would spend all day "roughing up" the Giants' receivers.

 [Connery Buzzes in]

Connery: Who are Halle Berry and Kate Winslet?

Trebek: I'm sorry that's incorrect.

Connery: Trebek, bite your tongue, those are 2 girls I would love to rough up a bit.  Nothing illegal mind you, just a little slap and tickle...

Trebek: I'm going to stop you there Mr. Connery before you make a fool of yourself.  Now, would one of you 2 like to take a stab at this one?

[Josh buzzes in]

Josh: Actually, I'd like to hear more about Halle and Kate...wait, I mean...Can we hear more about Halle and Kate?

Dan: I'd love to hear more about Kate, but seeing as how Halle ruined X-Men 3, I'm just about done with her.

 [Dan buzzes in]

Knowing how wrong Josh can be, I'm going to have to say, Who are Charles Woodson and Al Harris.  Because Plax caught like a thousand balls against them.

Connery: Just like Hellen Mirren in her prime.

Trebek:  That is correct.  Not the Mirren thing, the answer.  Dan it's your board again, do with it as you please.

Dan: Sweet!  Oh, I thought you said it's my broad.

Connery: That's the spirit, lad!

Dan: Let's go back to Eli'd to us, for 400.

Trebek: Dan TM compared him to Eli Manning, saying "they're severely lacking in heart and drive".

 [Dan buzzes in]

Dan: Who is Josh Harrisking?

Trebek: No.

Josh: Hey...wait a second....

[Connery buzzes in]

Connery: Well, who is he?

Trebek:  Yes, most of the nation is wondering that as well.

Josh: Don't play me like that Connery, I'm the guy that gave you the idea for Capt Sean!

[Josh buzzes in]

There can only be one man that Dan would beat up like that...besides Eli...Who is Rex Grossman?  Always hating on Rex...

Dan: I live in Chicago, we all hate on Rex here.

Trebek: That is correct.  And you have control of the board Josh.

Dan: It's what we do to our quarterbacks.  Just like New York and Philly.

Josh: Can we break for lunch soon?  The mention of "Philly" got me hungry...wait, do I need to buzz in to ask that?

[Connery Buzzes in]

Connery: I'd like a young filly to go!  With extra Scarlett Johanssen!

Trebek: Mr. Harrisking...please....can we stay focused.  It's your board.

Josh: Against my better judgement, I'll go with Collapse in Judgement for $300

Trebek:  Josh used this food metaphor to describe the Giants' inevitable collapse.

 [Josh buzzes in]  

Josh: What is a really great soufflé that won't collapse, but rather will go on to play in the Super Bowl?

Trebek: No, you would never say that.

Josh: I guess I wouldn't.

 [Connery buzzes in]  

Connery: What is a watermelon?

Trebek: A watermelon doesn't even collapse.

Connery:  It does if you sit on it, you fat turd.

Trebek:  I'm not even that--

[Dan buzzes in]

Dan: What is flan in a cupboard?

Trebek:  That's correct.  Dan it is once again, your board.

Dan: I'll take Coughlin' It Up for 200, Alex.

Trebek: And that sound means it's a Daily Double!

Dan: Sweet!  I'll bet it all, Alex.

Trebek: Dan once lumped him in with Tom Coughlin with this phrase, "their coaches are horrible!"

Dan: Sigh... who is... Norv Turner.

Trebek: That is Correct!  Ahh....and that sounds means it's time for final Jeopardy.... The category is "Two-Car Mirage."  Players, write down your wagers.  We'll be right back for Final Jeopardy after this brief message.

Sam Elliot:  Change is bad, y'hear?  I don't know ‘bout none o' you, but I remember the days when everybody didn't have a durned cellular phone.  Everybody just sorta took ‘er easy, and if they wanted someone to talk to, they'd strike up a conversation with anyone who saw fit to be in the same place.  Those were the days. 

Seems these days, change happens faster'n a noose snappin' the neck of some petty thief.  Oh wait, they don't do that no more neither.  Remember before the dang Tee-Vee?  Days were, if I was bored, I'd take a nice walk out in the open air, maybe watch some ants building a hill.  Not no more.  Now everybody sits in their living room, watching whatever mindless entertainment The Man decides to show, interrupted by some corporate propaganda trying to get you to consume their product.  Don't much care for that neither.

I remember back when not so many people got to vote.  Without none o' them women voting, my voice counted a lot more.  Man, I miss those days.  Change is bad.

And that's why Coors hasn't changed a bit since they started brewin' their beer usin' nothin' but fresh Rocky Mountain water and whatever else they put in there.  Sure, there's better technology out there that might help them brew a better beer, but they ain't gonna.  ‘Cuz change is bad.

Coors.  The banquet beer.

Trebek: Welcome back to Jeopardy, and all the wagers are in.  The answer is: This person said in week 4, "The G Men have about as much chance as a snowball's chance in hell. Their two wins is a mirage."  But Sean, since you're in the negatives and have less than a snowball's chance in hell of winning this thing, I'll just let you make up your own question and answer it.

Connery: Well met.  My question shall be, if I were to invent a beer enema, this is what I would call it.

Trebek:  Fine.  And the answers are in.  Dan, you wrote?

Dan's Answer

Trebek: Josh.  No, I'm sorry, that's incorrect, Josh didn't say that.

Josh: No, I'm "flan in cupboard," jackmo.

Trebek: And you wagered?  

Dan's Wager

Josh just called me 'jackmo,' didn't he?

 Trebek: Since that's not an actual wager, we're taking away all your money.  Josh, you wrote?

Josh's answer


"God, Dan is a jacmo."

That's not right either.  And you wagered....

Josh's wager


All of this guy's money with an arrow pointing to Dan.  Right, we're going to take away all your money as well, for being a twit.

Trebek: And moving on to Sean Connery, what would you name your beer enema?  

Connery's answer


PackBrew.  Wow, that's funny, that's actually the answer to the regular question.  PackBrew said that.  And you wagered?  

Connery's wager


Trebek's colostomy bag.  That's precious.  Well, that's the last time we have pseudo-celebs on this show.  Tune in next week for Reality Stars Jeopardy.

Connery: Listen Trebek, I want that colostomy bag!

Josh: Hey, if Connery is getting consolation prizes, I want on too...not so much a colostomy bag though...can I just keep my buzzer?

Dan: Can I keep Kate Winslet?

Trebek:  You really are a jackmo.


So that's that.  No idea who was really the most wrong about the Giants, we didn't seem to cover that.  But I'm sure Big Ben can dig up everything Dan's ever said that was wrong, and probably kill whatever conversation we have going in the process.  We now leave you with a clip from next week's Celebrity Jeopardy.


Trebek: This round delicacy has a hole in the middle and is high in fat.  

[Connery buzzes in]

Trebek: Yes, Sean Connery?  

Connery: Your mother's ****.  

Trebek:  No, I'm sorry, that's incorrect.  

[Reynolds buzzes in]

Trebek:  Burt Reynolds?  

Reynolds:  That's not my name.  

Trebek: Fine.  Turd Ferguson.  

Reynolds:  Heh.  Shut up.  

Trebek: Moving on.  

[Brando buzzes in]

Trebek: Marlon Brando?

[Just then, Spiderman swings in and kills everyone.]

Spiderman: What is a donut?


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