Skiing 101 | Hllywd's Blog

Ski season is upon us. For some of you, it couldn't have come fast enough. You've been waiting since June. This blog is not for you... some of you will take to the slopes for the 1st time. The objective here is to prepare you for the experience. Consider this a public service message. We're here to help.

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.

11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.

10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.

4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.

3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!

Comments (11) Add A Comment

January 26, 2008 11:55 PM ET

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I'm particularly fond of #8...

Great blog!

buck-i-girl: RIP…

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January 27, 2008 01:14 AM ET

lol...

Cardsox

Middle Of The..., US

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January 27, 2008 09:33 AM ET

very funny

JDawg1447

Jasper , GA

Total Comments (509)

January 27, 2008 09:43 AM ET

Haha, hilarious blog. I skied for the first time a week ago but I was fine without this stuff. haha

G.O.A.T. is back?

Scranton, PA

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January 27, 2008 09:58 AM ET

all too true....

privateer

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January 27, 2008 10:27 AM ET

Great blog, Hllywd! LMAO! Each item conjured personal experiences. Here's one I would add:

If you have facial hair, freeze 1 to 2 inches of water on the hairs around your mouth, then run full speed, and dive face-first into a carpet.

It's All Mine!

Yellowstone Park, WY

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January 27, 2008 10:10 PM ET

Sounds like my ride to work when we have a bad storm. Except all the milk and bread are all gone at the store.

Dallas Clark- SB in…

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January 28, 2008 11:34 AM ET

Excellent!

Jabril1217

Tucker , GA

Total Comments (1494)

January 28, 2008 10:27 PM ET

i take it your first trip on the slops was a wet one, as most are. liked the blog, but i take it you never felt the need to go back. i remember i used to take people skiing and it only took about 15 minutes to find out if they dug it or were never coming back. lol later