BOWLING FOR DOLLAR$
The Poor Economy Hits NCAA Bowl Games Too
It's here! It's here! No, it's not Black Friday, Cyber Monday, nor Christmas, or New Years..... The Bowl season is upon us! No, it's not some advertising executive's crazy campaign for a fifth season----- as far as I know, The Farmer's Almanac says we still have four seasons, winter, spring, summer and fall, but brace yourselves football fans.... The annual orgy of college bowl games is here---- 72 teams, 36 games in 23 days.
But before you jump to host that BCS Bowl party, fill your grocery list, or run out to buy that 84 inch, 1080p, hi-definition flat screen, you better think twice. Things are a little different this year.
Amid layoffs, home foreclosures and economic instability, NCAA bowl officials and administrators have announced severe cutbacks in bowl spending---- Bowl venues, referees, halftime shows, bowl payouts, trustee perks, and player gifts have all been downsized or, in some cases eliminated all together.
Here's a list of some of the changes that we should anticipate.
Temple vs. Wyoming in Albuquerque. The Gildan New Mexico Bowl will be played in a "Pi??ata" and refereed by George Lopez. Now, I cannot tell a lie, I haven't a clue who, or what Gildan is? It sounds like a paint company, or a Middle Eastern version of Godzilla, but no, Gildan is a clothing manufacturer. The winners receive a set of clothes and the losers... go home... naked.
Ohio vs. Utah State in Boise. The Famous Idaho Potato Bowl will be played in a "potato sack" refereed by Mr. Potato Head. Winners receive potato pancakes and the losers? Depending on how bad they lose will receive:
Lose by less than:
3 points get boiled potatoes
10 points get mashed potatoes
15 points get baked potatoes
20 points or, more get fried potatoes
Louisiana-Lafayette vs. San Diego State in New Orleans. The R & L Carriers New Orleans Bowl will be played on Bourbon Street under a spell and refereed by voodoo doll. The winners receive "a ride home in a customized R & L carrier," the losers.... walk home.
Marshall vs. Florida International in St. Petersburg. Beef ???O' Brady's St. Petersburg Bowl will be played in Saint Peters Basilica, refereed by Saint Peter himself. Winners get prayer and filet mignon steaks, while the losers get a Chick-fil-A sandwich.
TCU vs. Louisiana Tech in San Diego. The San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl will be played inside a greenhouse and refereed by a horticulturist. The winners get a 5% discount on their student loans and a beautiful poinsettia plant. The losers get hit with late fees, NSF fees and.... Bad credit!
Boise State vs. Arizona State in Las Vegas. The MAACO Las Vegas Bowl played inside a "paint booth," and refereed by a Vegas pit boss. The winners receive complimentary "bump and paint" work while the losers walk home mumbling ... "I better get MAACO!"
North Carolina vs. Missouri in Shreveport. The AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl will be played inside a "child safety proofed pill bottle and refereed by an "immigration services officer." The winners receive Advocare vitamins and their independence, while the losers, are "detained."
Purdue vs. Western Michigan in Detroit. The Little Caesars Pizza Bowl will be played inside a "pizza box," refereed by Little Caesars owner, Mike Illitch ("I'm a hands on guy, when it comes to pizza"). The winners receive "All you can eat pizza and breadsticks"; the losers... stay in Detroit!
NC State vs. Louisville in Charlotte. The Belk Bowl, home of modern, southern style will be played in the dressing room and refereed by a tailor and a seamstress. Winners receive "Belk buckles," the losers get sewing lessons!
Toledo vs. Air Force in Washington D.C.. The Military Bowl will be played in a bunker, refereed by the Speaker of the House, John Boehner ("Just getting in some work before the New Years"). Regardless of who wins, Air Force will receive special "OPs" training and the Toledo Rockets will receive a "rocket bus ride" back to Toledo.
California vs. Texas in San Diego. The Bridgeport Education Holiday Bowl will be played in a lecture hall under the overhead projector and referred by a grad student. Winners receive "learning apps" on their smart phones and losers must "write an essay in cursive" to explain why they lost.
Florida State vs. Notre Dame in Orlando. The Champs Sports Bowl will be played in the shoe department, refereed by a Footlocker manager. Winners receive "Champ Stars" on their foreheads, the losers must wear dunce, "Chumps" hats.
Baylor vs. Washington in San Antonio. The Valero Alamo Bowl will be played in the Alamo (Was granted special occupancy for this one occasion) and will be refereed by a descendant of General Santa Anna. The winners receive gas coupons, an oil change and lube job, the losers receive a set of wiper blades to "see how they lost!"
BYU vs. Tulsa in Dallas. The Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl will be played on the flight deck of the USS Carl Vinson, (it's not just used for basketball games!) and refereed by Captain Kangaroo. The winners receive Helicopter rides and the losers get... a bell.
Iowa State vs. Rutgers in New York. The New Era Pinstripe Bowl will be played on the subway and refereed by Donald Trump (He needs the publicity). Winners receive New Era pinstripe hats; the losers receive "old era plaid pants."
Wake Forest vs. Mississippi State in Nashville. The Franklin American Mortgage City Bowl. Hmm, mixing mortgages and music? The game will be played in the Grand Ole' Opera and monitored by an independent third party administrator. Winners receive TARP funds and the losers receive a harmonica.
Iowa vs. Oklahoma in Tempe. The Insight Bowl, will be played inside a Honda Insight and refereed by a fortune teller. Winners receive "a look into the future," and the losers receive eye glasses.
Northwestern vs. Texas A&M in Houston. The Meineke Car Care of Texas Bowl will be played in bay #3, and refereed by a mechanic. The winners receive "car care," the losers Meineke air fresheners.
Georgia Tech vs. Utah in El Paso. The Hyundai Sun Bowl will be played, where else... in a Hyundai and refereed by the same mechanic that refereed the Meineke Car Care Bowl in Houston. (Save money, besides, he has experience!) Winners receive Hyundai's and the losers receive "sundaes."
Cincinnati vs. Vanderbilt in Memphis. The AutoZone Liberty Bowl. Taking a page from the other "car bowls," the Liberty Bowl will be played in bay #3 as well, but will be refereed by Manny, Moe and Jack from Pep Boys to insure a fairly played game. Winners receive liberty and the losers get.... Detained!
Illinois vs. UCLA in San Francisco. The Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl will be played in your grocer's dairy case, and refereed by Mayor McCheese. Winners receive weapons and arms to fight hunger, losers get... leftovers.
Virginia vs. Auburn in Atlanta. The Chick-fil-A Bowl will be played in a slaughterhouse and refereed by a butcher. Winners receive chicken sandwiches; the losers receive leftovers from the Beef ???O Brady's Bowl.
Penn State vs. Houston in Dallas. The TicketCity Bowl will be played at Ticketmaster, and refereed by ticket brokers. Winners receive "free tickets," the losers "get ticketed!"
Michigan State vs. Georgia in Tampa. The Outback Bowl will be played "in town," and refereed by "Crocodile Dundee." Winners receive free passes to the "Outback," losers a left, out back!
Nebraska vs. South Carolina in Orlando. The Capital One Bowl will be played inside "the Capital" and refereed by a "banker." Winners and losers receive...nothing! Banks always win!
Ohio State vs. Florida in Jacksonville. TheTaxslayer.com Gator Bowl. Nothing like mixing taxes and gators together! Sounds like the IRS! The venue is still pending; the game will be played in either a tax accountant's office, or in a swamp. The game will be refereed by, who else, the IRS. The winners receive tax advice and the losers, twice as much tax advice!
Wisconsin vs. Oregon in Pasadena. The Rose Bowl will be played in "the Rose Garden," and refereed by a pruner. Winners receive----what else, roses. The losers receive baby's breath.
Oklahoma State vs. Stanford in Glendale. Tostitios Fiesta Bowl will be played in "Scoops" bag and refereed by "the Frito Bandito." Winners receive a "fiesta of chips," and the losers receive some "dip."
Michigan vs. Virginia Tech in New Orleans. The Allstate Sugar Bowl will be played once again on Bourbon Street, but not under a spell and refereed by "an adjuster." Winners receive "accident forgiveness," the losers... artificial sweetener!
Clemson vs. West Virginia in Miami. The Discover Orange Bowl will be played in "an orange crate," and refereed by "Orange Julius." The winners receive "maps, GPS units and instructions," to discover. The losers have to "figure it out."
Kansas State vs. Arkansas in Arlington. The ATT&T Cotton Bowl Classic will be played in an old "phone booth," and refereed by a utility lineman. Winners receive calling cards; the losers get a roll of dimes.
Pittsburgh vs. SMU in Birmingham. The BBVA Compass Bowl will be played in the finance office and refereed by a "loan officer." Winners will receive BBVA compasses and the losers get an official BBVA "map."
Northern Illinois vs. Arkansas State in Mobile. The GoDaddy.com Bowl will be played on their website (virtual this year--- saves money!) and refereed by a web designer. Winners get to meet their "Daddy", losers are put up for adoption!
LSU vs. Alabama in New Orleans. The Allstate BCS National Championship will be played once again on Bourbon Street, but this time under a LSU spell and refereed by the "Mayhem guy." Winners are "put in good hands," the losers, get their premiums raised.
Copyright 2011 Steve Kay