Posted by:
Oso Famoso

Disclaimer: This article was found and posted here off of the Internet. I in no way take credit for this work. It was funny, so I wanted to share with the FN Community. 

I must forewarn you now. If you are faint of heart or have a weak constitution, or worse yet have no concept of complex numerical terms, then please tune out. Either that or keep Google or some dictionary handy. I realize that an article of this nature does not usually fall under the purview of the Lighter Side group, but we have to get the news out. I found this article on a Virginia government web site, and the news was just shocking! I won't preface this article any further. Just realize that there's a sleeper cell in your local schools, and you need to read this to identify the members of this new group:


Weapons of Math Instruction

WMI's Beware!

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a protractor, a T-square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. The man is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Cracking down on Math

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search for absolute value. They use secret code names like x and y and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

Wanted: Isocoles (AKA Pythagoras)

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to dis-integrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."

Bush Countin'

President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."

Read an Ellipse

If you haven't figured it out by now (Duh) this article is a farce, and a rather funny one if you know or remember anything at all. It had nothing to do with sports, but hey, it was rather funny. Check the link at the top, it has some other funny math articles. See, education can be funny without having to watch your classmate fall out of the chair or light their hair on fire in science lab!


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