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Every night I used to go down on my knees and pray

To the Gods of Sport on heavenly Mount Olympus

To transport the idiot Knicks owner James Dolan far away

And relieve the world from the Knicks plague that inflicted us

Yes I do recall that knuckleheaded team

That made a daily joke out of New York

A roster of misbegotten losers supreme

That seemed to be intentionally staffed with jerks

Who can forget the idiot Stephon Marbury

Disrupting each practice by throwing a screaming fit

Not showing up for games intentionally

When Isiah Thomas forced him on the bench to sit

Or the fat idiot slob Eddy Curry

His butt the size of two inflated basketballs

Too fat to jump too slow to steal the ball away

They had to replace the floor each time he'd crash and fall

For the manager Dolan chose the biggest dork of professional hoops

Isiah Thomas, the idiot moron supreme

Who assembled a dirty dozen of freakin Fruit Loops

And never figured out how to control his shipwreck of a team

When Thomas tried to kill himself by OD'ing on Lunesta

I was thrown into a frenzy of despair

If the Knicks couldn't even succeed at taking a permanent siesta

What help for New York was there?

I thought that Dolan and Thomas had eloped to Boston and got gay married

Maybe Isiah Thomas was knocked up

And Dolan's child in his fat butt carried

Dolan was finally forced to consign Thomas to the rubbish bin

And brought in from the Pacers Mike D'Antoni

Who was forced to rebuild a team that could win

But it took years for him to clear out the previous baloney

D'Antoni brought in a new rogues gallery roster

Which he hoped would hustle and pass the ball

He took a flier on Danilo Gallinari

An Italian meatball who stood seven feet tall

Gallinari threw out his back on the first day of practice and was out for the season

And D'Antoni was back in the garbage can

Crying, I can't succeed for rhyme or reason

Why can't I find a player who can dribble and shoot like a man?

D'Antoni brought in Anthony and Stoudmire

Who at least were decently capable players

But he didn't have a guy who could set the team on fire

D'Antoni fell on his knees and prayed in despair

O Gods of Mount Olympus send me some players

Who are deserving of the name

Who play like they are part of a team

And don't smoke a ton of reefer before every game!

At this the Gods of Sport did smile

They said, We haven't let Knicks win for an extended length of time

New York has been taking it on the chin for a very long while

Let's send them a guy who can shoot from outside the three-point line

The Gods said, Let's send the Knicks a guy from Harvard

And just for good measure let's make him Chinese

To make the New York fans stand up and holler

And bring the NBA down to its knees

We got this guy Lin and he is a ringer

When he shoots it's like the ball is controlled by GPS

When he is in control of the ball it don't linger

The guy is a leader who can motivate the rest

Meanwhile out in Palo Alto, Jeremy Lin sat down with his family

And his mother did describe to him a soothsayer's prediction

That had come in the form of an ancient Chinese homily

That a man with a basketball would set his people free

The Gods did predict that in the Year of the Dragon

A Chinese man would take on the NBA

To wipe out the white man's oppression

And show the world how Chinese athletes could play

The burden of NBA greatness rests on your shoulders

So get out there Jeremy and play your best game

As a parting gift before you leave for New York

I present you a gift that your father and I did invent

An atomic eggroll to shove up your butt

Before you appear in the main event

An atomic eggroll lodged up your Harvard-educated culo

Will give you the jet propulsion to jump to the rim

And will make your brain as fast as a computer

For pinpoint accuracy to sink the ball in

Oh mother and father I thank you for you wisdom and your direction

Now if I can only get D'Antoni to let me have some playing time

When the coach calls me in I will immediately insert the atomic eggroll in my rectum

So I can fulfill my destiny divine

Coach D'Antoni wrung his hands and did bemoan

Stoudmire was away on compassionate family leave

And Anthony was sidelined with a pulled groin

It can't get no worse, did D'Antoni grieve

My team is entirely disabled and nobody to take up the slack

It's like the hands of time are moving back to the old times in reverse

And no decent players available to me to go on the attack

But wait! What's that Chinese kid sitting on the edge of the bench?

How come I never saw the kid before?

I might as well give him some playing time so he can get some confidence

Maybe he can fall down and serve as a speed bump on the floor

D'Antoni called out, Lin get out there and see what you can do

Go on the court and try your luck

If you can come up with something new

I'll treat you to a nice fat Peking Duck

Lin said, This is the chance I have been hoping for

Just give me a minute to shove this atomic eggroll up my behind

Then I'll get out and tear up the playing floor

I'll show the world that Chinese players are the winning kind

The atomic eggroll gave Lin the power to dominate the game with ease

He immediately launched into the fight

He jumped so high that NASA believed

That China had launched a spy satellite

Feet don't fail me now! Lin did exclaim

Shooting lay-ups, slam dunks and amazing rebounds

As Madison Square Garden did shout out his name

He reduced the Utah Jazz to amateur clowns

He could dribble and fake and slither around the defense like a snake

He could rebound and pass

There was no limit to the plays he could make

Thanks to the atomic eggroll he had lodged up his ass

When the defense tried to double-team him

He passed the ball to his teammates who were left open

And they scored the points to creem them

D'Antoni on the sidelines exclaimed, Geez this guy ain't jokin

And since that fateful day Lin is King

And the Knicks fans are raising the roof

There's no disputing the power of an atomic eggroll lodged up your butt

Of which Lin and the Knicks are positive proof

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