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Dan TM is Stupendous Man

As Super Bowl Sunday approaches, our heroes, Dan and Josh, have been dragged into the mainstream media. Thanks to the 24/7 hype machine that is the Super Bowl, there is always a need for people to sit behind a desk and talk about the game...and the boys find themselves as just another talking head in the main stream media.

But then a ray of light....a chance to have their own show on a new cable problem...they have already signed away their lives to the present Super Network. Will the boys bow to the corporate machine? Will they have to eat their words? Will they ever really debate again? Let's find out, as we join them in the make-up room prior to the show....

Dan: Can I get a little more rouge here?

Josh: I think you might want a different shade of red for your lips, Dan. Wait, why are you wearing lipstick in the first place?

Dan: The lights always wash me out, I need to compensate.  You're one to talk, anyway, Mr. Purple Eyeliner.

Josh: I just don't know about you...[to makeup artist]...would it be weird to have a beauty mark suddenly?

Makeup artist: Ugh!  You PEOple!  Will you just let me do my GOD****D JOB for once!  I swear to God, I am an ARTIST!  You're a couple of shmuck sports guys!  Jesus!  [storms out]

Josh: Wow...that was a bit of an overraction...these artist types...jeez... deli tray! This frickin' GOD****D deli tray...that's it I've had it!

Dan: Oh, god, I can't do this show without my spam!

Josh: And they gave us the stupid little bread again...either the sandwich meat hangs out over the edge...or you have to fold it...and that's just not can they treat stars like us like this?!

Dan: You're right, this shade is all wrong.  [wipes off lipstick]  You know that offer we got?

Josh: Offer?  Dude, I told you not in the dressing room...

Dan: No, not that.  From Shownemax, to have our own cable talk show.

Josh: Are you frickin' kidding me?  Serious?  Holy mother of all that is holy....holy donuts man....this is like a dream come true.....

Dan: Dude, you were there.  They offered us the job right there at the bar... oh, right, you fainted.  Yeah, man, Shownemax wants to bring us on to talk football for an hour every week.  And we could swear all we want, because it's a premium channel.  We've never been able to do that without all this censoring bulls**t.

Josh: Do we get to pick the guests?  Cause I'm putting a call into Kate Winslet right now.

Dan:  We have complete control... Don't know what Winslet has to do with football, but who cares?  Ooh!  We could have an "educate the Brit" segment where we teach someone from England all about football!

Josh: Sweet! [Tears off makeup apron] Let's quit this frickin' place right now!  I'm ready, let's walk!  Power to the people! Damn the Man!  [starts to rip off jacket]

 [Josh and Dan's agent, Otis B. Driftwood, walks in]

Otis B. Driftwood:  Guys!  Great news, I just extended your contracts for another five years!  You get to stay here at CBC for the foreseeable future!

Dan: You're so fired.  God!  How are we going to get out of this?

Josh: I'm going to f**king kill you! [Leaps towards Driftwood]

Dan: Whoa, man!  Whoa!  Violence isn't the answer!  Abject humiliation is!  [gives Driftwood a wedgie and draws male anatomy on his face with a Sharpie]

Josh: You've humilated the guy, can I kill him now?

Otis B. Driftwood: Wait, if you're going to get out of this, you're gonna need my help.  I have the contract with guys forget, I'm an agent...which means I'm a lawyer...which means I'm a slimey, untrustworthy, snake.  I'm exactly the type of person you need right now.

Josh: The jacmo's got a point.  Okay, start reading and talking, you've got 10 minutes, or else I'm throwing you out the window.

Otis B. Driftwood: [Pulls underwear out of crack] Okay, I know I put a loophole in here somewhere...never write up a contract without one...

Josh: Is there an "our agent is a dolt, please let us out of the contract" loophole?

Otis B. Driftwood: Unfortunately, not in the contract, your last one had that wording it in...and it was the last time I let you guys add any of your own language to a contract....ah, might have something here...

Dan: Great, read away dead man.

Otis B. Driftwood: Now pay particular attention to this first clause because it's most important. It says the, uh..."The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part." How do you like that? That's pretty neat, eh?

Dan: Has it been ten minutes yet?

Josh: By my watch it's been 8 and a half....but it's always a little fast...

Dan: Running out of time, mister.

Otis B. Driftwood: Um... never mind, there's no loophole.  The only way out of this thing is if you get fired.


Josh: [grabs contract] Hey, this just says, "They're yours for the next 5 years, do what you want with them...don't forget to give me lots of money." sack of crap!

Throw him out the window!

 [Dan and Josh each grab Driftwood by an ear, and defenestrate him thusly]

Dan: All right, we'll just get ourselves fired.  How hard can that be?

Josh: I've been fired plenty of times...wait....does laid off count?

Dan: Don't think any sports people are getting laid off during Hype Week.  We have to get ourselves full-on fired.

Josh:  Man...can't we just have a re-org?


 [Scene shift to: A studio desk with four chairs.  At the far left is host Richard Penniman.  Next to him is Luther "Shark" Lavay, then Dan, then Josh.  Each has a glass in front of him.]

Dan: Hey Josh, I put vodka in our glasses.

Lavay:  S**t, that's nothing special, I always put vodka in my glass.

Josh: Yes, but you're a drunk

Dan: Crap, and he's been working here forever.  Looks like it's going to take a bit more to get us fired.

Josh: Don't worry...I....have....a ...plan.....Wait, slipped out the ear again.... Hold on.....I've got it...nope...slipped away again...

Lavay: Are you retarded boy?

Josh: Not anymore than you are.

Lavay: Why you little s**t...I'll rip your head off...

Penniman: Let's take it easy ladies.

Producer: All right guys, we're going live in 5... 4... 3...

Josh: [whispering to Dan] Follow my lead when we get started...I've got it....

Penniman: Welcome to NFL Night on CBC, as we get ready for Super Bowl 42.  I'm Richard Penniman, with me as always is Luther Lavay, Dan Brown, and Josh Harrisking.  Gentlemen.  Plaxico Burress has announced a prediction that the final score will be 23-17.  What are your thoughts on this, and what are your predictions?

Lavay:  First, I think it's irresponsible to make predictions about the Pats.  Look what happened with Anthony Smith.  He's a marked man, if you ask me, and I think with Tom Brady running this offense, you're looking at more like 35-23, Pats win.

Dan: I disagree.  Burress is just having some fun out there, and if he's right, he'll be legendary.  But I'm saying Pats 39-24.  Like I've been saying all week.  I mean, really, how often do I need to say it?

Josh: Plax is the type of athlete that drives me nuts...putting himself before the team, and making this all about him.  I couldn't stand it when you did it Luther, and I can't stand it now.  Plax should shut up and play the game.  Now, the game?  Sorry...the Giants team has been a great story, and it's great to see a team jell and make a run like this...but that gravy train stops right here...right now.  Pats win 31-20.

Penniman:  All...right.  How crazy is it that the Giants lost to New England to end the preseason, then to end the regular season, and then again to end the postseason, if your predictions are correct?

Lavay:  That's crazy.  That's just nuts.

Dan: Um... sounds like irrelevant coincidence to me.

Josh: You know what's crazy?  A show host that knows anything about football.  But what would be even crazier?  Me ripping the head off a live beaver right here on the show.... Sorry, what was the question?

Penniman:  Er... moving along.  Currently the NFC-AFC series is tied for the season.  Should the Giants win, does that mean the AFC's reign of supremacy is over?

Lavay: I think so.  We're talking about parity here.  Everything changes year to year.

Dan: Oh, that's a classic bulls**t answer.  I'm sorry, that's just crap.

Josh: For every season, turn, turn turn....

Penniman: I don't think we can say that on the air.

Dan:  What?  It's a classic song by the Byrds.  Can I at least sing Mr. Tambourine Man?

Josh: Now, Dan, that has nothing to do with what we were talking about.

Dan: the jingle jangle morning, I'll come following you...

Josh: And Luther, parity is a bunch of horse dung...we can say that right?  You have a group of elite teams each year, and then you have to rest of the league.  If there was true parity, everyone would finish between 9-7 and 7-9....and you know what, the average fan doesn't want parity, but they don't have to worry, cause it will never happen.

Dan: Furthermore, Penniman, it was a stupid question.  Can we wait until after the game to discuss it?  Unless the Pats win, then the topic is dead, may it rest in eternal turmoil.

Josh: I'm not done though....Can I finish?  Can I FINISH?!

Dan: You can finish.

Penniman: Um, sure, go ahead...

Josh: Luther, you're a poopyhead.  Okay, I'm done

Penniman:  Ahem.  Shark, being a former linebacker, who do you see being the defensive difference-maker in this one?

Dan: Oh, sure, ask just him a question, no need to include us non-NFLers.

Lavay: I tell you, I love Vince Wilfork.  That's a guy who just eats your face off on the line, day in, day out.

Dan: "Eats your face off?"  What the hell do they pay you for?

Josh: In case anyone cares...I'm going with Asante Samuel...cause his name is so cool to say...Asante...A-SAN-te...a-SAN-te...A-san-TE

Dan: Well, you know me, I love picking some guy who never gets mentioned.  Which is nobody on the Pats.  So I'm just going to shoot up here... [ties a tourniquet with his necktie]

Penniman:  Um... heh, heh.  That's... [clears throat]  I'd just like it pointed out that we do not condone the use of drugs on our program.

Dan: Maybe you don't.

Penniman: All right, here's one.  If the Giants fail to win this one, do you see Coughlin keeping his job next year?

Dan:  Are you SERIOUS?!

Josh: He just made the Super Bowl!

Dan: He defied expectations!  He's the last guy who's going to be fired after this year!

Josh: Yeah, if he could survive all the tank jobs the last few years...making the Super Bowl should be good for 3 more years

Dan: I am sick of all this stupid f**king hype.  It's ridiculous!  Are we really out of things to talk about for this Super Bowl?  Hell, why don't we just get a head start on next year's Super Bowl?  I think it'll be Ravens-Eagles.  There, I said it.  Discuss.

Penniman: Um...we have to go to commercial...but when we get back we'll be talking about some picks for next year....

Dan: Wait, we're really going to talk about next year already?  I was kidding!  I---

[cut to commercial]

Movie Trailer Voice Guy: In a world where Hollywood needs to get some schlock out so that the stuff that's been in theaters since Christmas can be phased out...[a futuristic-looking car speeds through nighttime city streets]

One hero is forced to take on the world, along with several other heroes. [camera zooms in on driver, wearing a mask and tight costume]

On the way to reaching his destiny, he will face countless obstacles and plotholes. [short, fat, bald villain laughing as something explodes]

The New York Times calls it "average at best."

The Chicago Tribune calls it "mindbogglingly awful."

Rolling Stone says "I fell asleep."

It's a superhero movie that's so bad it couldn't get a summer release date.  [familiar face with a dimpled chin dons a mask] John Travolta is...

Uncompelling Man.

Co-starring Jennifer Love-Hewitt, Jason Alexander, and Christopher Walken as The Only Reason You Have Any Interest In This Crap.

Coming this February, when no one goes to the theaters.

Penniman: Welcome back folks.  Now that we've covered the game today, let's take a short break from Super Bowl coverage, and follow Dan's lead...

Dan: I was kidding!  But fine, anything to stop rehashing the same nonsense about this Super Bowl.  Sure, I'll go with Ravens-Eagles as my pick.  Both teams are full of veterans who've been there, and know their time is running out.  They'll go all-out and have miracle seasons, or my name isn't Arthur Pewty.

Penniman: Um...well...I wasn't ready for that...thought we would build up to it...maybe talk about some other things first...

Dan: Fine, but you say follow my lead, and that's what you get.

Lavay: Ravens-Eagles? Did you get into my vodka again?

Dan: I'm balls to the wall, baby.

Penniman: Hahaha, that's right's the biggest name to change teams this offseason?

Lavay: My man, Chad Johnson will be catching passes in a Titans uni next year.

Dan: Biggest in number of letters?  Oh, I don't know... Oshiomogho Atogwe?

Josh: Dan, don't be silly...that's just ridiculous.  He means what over-hyped, over the hill player, will catch on with another team, bringing with him tons of hope, but leaving in his wake nothing but disappointment.

Dan: Oh!  Sounds like Daunte Culpepper, then.  Good amount of letters there, too.

Josh: I'll go with Shaun "I'm waiting to get hit" Alexander.  He'll be falling over in the hole for the Raiders next year.  Hey Dan, did you like that nickname?  Just came up with it...make a note to copyright that beaut.

Dan: That's bucking frilliant, is what that is.

Penniman: Hahaha...yep, you'll be making millions off that one...what about biggest turn around for a new coach?

Josh: Listen Dick, do you mind if I call you Dick?  No?  Great.  Listen Dick, are you just reading of a cliche card?  Do you have an original thought in your head?

Dan: Well, I think the Ravens are going to the Super Bowl, so obviously John Harbaugh for me.  And I agree, you're a bland and awful numbskull.

Lavay: I still think the Redskins will hire Bill Cowher, and he'll turn the franchise around.

Dan: How stupid are you?  Cowher's not going to take the job, and what's to turn around?  They made the damn playoffs!  If Sparano wins 5 games, that's a better improvement than the Redskins going 12-4!

Lavay: All right, you got me, I don't know s**t about coaches.  Penniman, stop asking questions that make me look stupid.

Penniman:  Who do you see the Dolphins taking with the first overall pick?

Josh: Luther, you should hear the crap this guy slings about you off camera.

Lavay: Like what?

Josh: Dick, you want me to answer that or do you want to take it?

Penniman:  I... don't know what you're talking about.

Josh: What about the time you called him Cokey McSnortsalot?

Dan:  Oh, like that time he said your mother was so fat she... I don't know, weighed 450 pounds or something.

Josh: Or there was the time you questioned Mr. Lavay's sexuality due to his showering with other men in the locker room.

Dan: Or the time that you went off about his stench on the set?  Something like "he smells like a wet cat rolled in week old milk."

Josh: OOOOHhh...there was the time you talked about how you stole his 2nd wife from him...or was it his 3rd...but then again, you got them both didn't you?  Or was that number 4....

[Lavay is seething with rage...rips his papers in half and is glaring at Pennimen]

Penniman: Hahahahaha...that's enough guys...all in good fun here on the set.... Will someone just answer the question please?

Josh: What was the question again?

Penniman: Dolphins.  Draft Pick.  Who?

Josh: Wait, I thought we were talking lame coaching turn arounds?  And then Luther was going to beat the snot out of you...did I miss something?

Penniman: No, I asked a question in there.

Lavay:  Yeah, well no one heard it because you're a p***y.

Josh: Ooh...the Shark is calling you out! While Luther beats you silly...I'll say the Phins take a "Long Shot" with their 1st pick...Jake or Chris.

Dan: I think they'll take Glenn Dorsey.

Josh: Does his name sound like a 40's movie star?

Dan: Glenn Dorsey and Vivien Leigh in Gone With The First Pick... yeah, I could see that

Josh: know what?  I'll change my prediction to Cary Grant.

Dan: Ooh, nice.  I think they need a musician more than an actor; they'll go with Louis Armstrong.  By the way, Shark, Penniman thought you were a waste of a draft pick back in the day.

Josh: Yeah, something about being a "Locker room cancer"

Lavay: You son of a--!  [Lavay picks up Penniman by the collar]

Penniman: I think we'll break for a commercial....CUT TO COMMERCIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Lavay draws back his fist, cut to commercial]

James Earl Jones Voiceover:

[Footage of third world squalor]
In this world, there are few things as frustrating as hunger.  There are millions that go without food, shelter, or clean drinking water.  Even here in the US, there are plenty that can't afford these basic life needs....
[Film changes to helpful citizens]
But there is can make a difference.  Instead of turning a blind eye to your fellow man, you can do your part to make this world a better place!  Don't worry, you don't have to write your congressman, or pick up trash, or even stop drinking and driving...and trust us, you don't have to vote either.
Nope, just head on down to your local McDonald's and participate in the "Dollar Menu items for the less privileged"!  McDonald's, making the world a better place, one burger at a time.

Penniman: Sorry about that, everyone.  I'd like to welcome our new panelist, former coach Tom Willihan.  Tom, good to have you here.
Willihan:  Good to be here, Richard.
Josh:  He prefers Dick.
[Dan snickers.]
Penniman:  We were just talking about the first draft pick.  Who do you see the Dolphins taking, Tom?
Willihan:  Matt Ryan.  You've got to take a quarterback.

Josh: Why are we assuming the Phins have the first pick?  Dick, correct me if I'm wrong here, but assuming makes an arse out of you and Tom.

Dan: That's a good point, Josh, and that's why the Eagles are going to the Super Bowl.

Josh: It's a great point...but I can't see the Eagles going to the Super Bowl next year...I have Bears-Texans.

Willihan: Matt Ryan would make a great addition in Miami.  I compare him favorably to a young Brett Favre.

[Dan pukes on the floor]

Josh:  So he'll be picked in the 2nd round, come out of no where, and break all the passing records?

Dan: Brett Favre?  Are you kidding me?  How about we give this kid a chance out of the gates for a change!  Jesus on a popsicle stick!

Dan: In fact, you know how Brett Favre was picked early in the second round?  So was a guy they just got last year, John Beck!  They don't need another young QB, they need a vet!

Willihan: Why would they need a dog doctor?

Dan: Where'd you find this guy?

Penniman:  Hey, he's in the running for the Redskins job.

Dan: Ah, it all makes sense now.

Penniman: Well, since it's all you guys seem to want to talk about, who do you think will be in the Super Bowl next year, Tom?

Josh: I vote that the Willihan gets the Raiders job

Willihan: Do you think they would hire me?  Should I call Al now?  Wait, isn't Kiffin still there?  Are you setting me up?  God, I want to coach again!

Penniman: you have a pick for next year's Super Bowl, Tom?

Willihan: I'm not seeing the Patriots dynasty ending anytime soon.  Packers-Pats.


Josh: Well, you just lost the Raiders job Tom...if you would of said "Raiders-Packers" Al would of called you right now...that's too bad.  You'll have to go back to bumming change at the Gas N Sip

Willihan: What about my TV job?

Penniman:  Honestly, I can't see that lasting too long either.  Dan's right, you ARE boring.

Josh: Turning away from Boring McWannaCoach....I'm going with Bears-Texnas.  Ask me how...anyone...someone...ask me how....invite me into your life!  Come on man, do it!

Dan: Dan: How, in the blazes, do you think any Bears QB is going to make the Super Bowl?

Josh: You're not thinking outside the box enough....

Dan: I'm picking Eagles-Ravens, that's plenty outside the box!

Josh: First, their Defense will be healthy, and with a few key personnel changes, it will be back to being the best in the league.

Now, their special teams is already a major weapon...not only do they have Hester...a Touchdown Waiting to Happen...but they also have fantastic coverage units.

So you're winning 2 out of 3 battles a game right there...all the offense has to do is hold serve.

Willihan: Hold on, let me take notes, I might need this info for my next coaching, what did you call Hester?

Dan: Okay, Bear Blinders, but what about the Texans?  How are they going to get in the playoffs with so many other great teams in their division?  And don't you dare tell me the Jags are going to fall off, or I'll flick a booger at you.

Josh: [dodging a booger] Yuck man, yuck.  The Texans are an easy one...I've got 2 names for you...Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson.  They stay healthy all year, and rip through the league.

Dan: Until they face the Ravens in the AFC Championship, and experience wins out.

If that Ravens secondary stays healthy, they'd keep McAllister and Reed doubled on Johnson all day, and everyone knows the Texans have no one else to throw to.

Josh: The Ravens Corners are so slow, Johnson will blow passed them for 3 TDs minimum.  And that's where you're wrong my friend...Donte Stallworth, not happy with being a 3rd banana in NE, will jump ship and end up in give balance to a young offense.

Dan: Except Bart Scott will be busy burying Matt Schaub's face in the dirt and the ball will never get out.  Meanwhile, in the NFC, Donovan McNabb and Brian Westbrook connect all over the field and the Bears can't keep up.

Josh: Wrong again.  You see, in the offseason, the Texans will hire Matt Suhey as their running backs coach, and he'll convert Ron Dayne into a wrecking ball of a blocking back...Bart Scott won't stand a chance.

Dan: The Eagles will get Roy Williams from the Lions, who's unhappy up there and suddenly McNabb has a dangerous trio: Williams, Curtis, and Reggie Brown.

Josh: McNabb won't last the season, and if he does, he'll be playing IN Chicago against the Bears...Urlacher will show him why many QBs have ended their careers on the frozen Soldier Field turf!  Garret Wolfe will become the Bears version of Westbrook, and will redefine the running attack.  They'll sign Jamal Lewis in the offseason as a battering ram runner to compliment him, and they'll pick up a WR in the draft.

Dan: McNabb is learning he's not the scrambler he used to be, and he won't take those chances - he'll play all 19 games next year.  And Cleveland's not letting Lewis go, you're dreaming

Josh: Kyle "Steady as she goes" Orton, will guide the Bears all the way home, with steady QB play.

Dan: Hey, Willihan, wake up, you haven't said anything stupid in a while.

Willhan: Wha? I love the Raiders!  And the Redskins!  Raidskins for Super Bowl President!

Dan: Do you see this?  This is a guy prostituting himself to work for either Dan Snyder or Al Davis.  And I thought the name Guy Whimper was pathetic.

Josh: Well, it could be worse, he could be trying to get Dick's job

Dan: Dude, is Dick crying?  [quietly to Josh] I think we're almost fired, let's keep going with this.

Josh: Man, I've gotta take a crap.  Hey, WIllihan, give me your tie, I need to wipe up.

[Josh gets up and walk over to Willihan, glances over at the crying Penniman]

Dick...are you not wearing pants?  Dan....Penniman isn't wearing pants!

Dan: Sweet.  Let's see those cheeks, Dick!

Penniman: All I wanted to do was have a good show...I just wanted you guys to like me...why can't you like me?

Dan: Well, you're a tool, for one.

Josh: And you're not wearing any pants for another

Penniman:  I am SO wearing pants.  These guys are lying bullies.

Dan: Just suck your thumb a while, baby.

Josh: If you're wearing pants Dick, stand up

Penniman: I don't want to!

Dan: [Dan grabs cell phone]  Hello?  Yes, he is.  Hold on.  Hey Willihan, it's Bob Kraft.  He says they've fired Bill Belichick and he wants you to coach the Pats for the Super Bowl and the next ten years.

Willihan:  It's a DREAM COME TRUE!!!!

Josh: [Josh grabs Dan's phone and hangs it up]  Whoops, sorry about that man.  My bad.

Willihan:  No!  Redial!  Call him back!

 [Willihan makes a grab for the phone, Josh chucks it out the window]

Dan: Hey, that was my phone you jacmo!

Josh: Sorry man, had to keep Mr. GrabbyHands away from it.

Penniman:  Tom, you can use my cell.

Dan: Yeah, sick him boy!

 [Willihan races to grab the phone from Penniman, Josh trips him on his way...Willihan falling, grabs Penniman's jacket and shirt, ripping it away to reveal a pink tank top.]

Josh: Dick, what in the...

Dan:...flying monkey snot?

Josh: Thanks Dan, couldn't of said it better myself.

Dan: [Nods at a wave from a producer] And now, we take you live to the Booth for Super Bowl...which one is this?  Ah, whatever, Super Bowl 2008, Patriots-Giants!  Stay tuned after the game

Josh: For more witty banter and post games remarks from whoever is still alive in this studio.

Producer: That's a wrap people!

Otis B. Driftwood: [Running towards them, followed closely by a sharp dressed man] Guys, great news!

Dan: Why is it I don't like the sound of it coming from him.

Josh: And who's the suit?

Suit: Hey guys, John Donaghy.  Programming director here at CBC.  I've got some bad news. You two are fired.

Penniman: Thanks, John, these 2 little s**ts really ruined the show.

Willihan: Yay!  No Gas N Sip!

[Josh and Dan give silent fist pumps]

Donaghy: No, Penniman,'re fired.  Get the hell out of here now.  These little "s**ts" as you called them, just gave me the most entertaining hour of pregame coverage ever.

Josh and Dan: What?

Donaghy: That's right, we're streamlining this thing, it's just the 2 of you from now on.  We're keeping you under contract.  You'll love it.  We'll take care of guests, and material.  Any material you want to use on the show, just give it to me and I'll tell you what you can say.  Oh, and what do you think about Chris Tucker as a third host?

Josh: You just said it was just going to be the 2 of us?

Dan: Yeah, and not Chris about Kate Winslet?  We have this idea for a Educate the Euro segment...

Donaghy: Nope, I owe Tucker a favor, took a chubby for me, long story.

Dan: [Quietly to Otis] Get us out of this...

Otis B. Driftwood: [Quietly to Dan] Don't worry, I've got this...[Turns to the rest] So, let's talk turkey, how much more money are we talking here?  Cause my clients aren't going to take less that 2 million a piece for the season.

Donaghy: They'll get a 5% raise, and a company car and that's it.  Oh, and free Dairy Queen sunday every...Sunday.

Otis B. Driftwood: Done.

Dan: Um...John...something you should know...we killed a guy.

Donaghy: Who? What's his name? [Pulling out phone] I can make that go away.

Josh: Oh, and I have 13 parking tickets and a DUI in Illinois...can you take care of that as well?

Donaghy: Give me 5 minutes.

 [Donaghy turns away on the phone, Josh turns to Dan and lowers his voice]

Josh: What about the commercial spot we did with Hamms?  Remember, the one with the cowboy?

Dan:, not really.

Josh: Otis, is that Hamms commercial still airing?

Otis: The one where you drink beer and get in bar brawl with Sam Elliot?

Josh: Yes

Dan: Oh, that Beer commercial!

Otis: Yep, still getting the residual checks every week!

Dan: Hey, wait, we haven't seen any of those!

Josh: We'll address that later...Donaghy!

[Donaghy turns around while hanging up the phone]

Donaghy: The murder and all you tickets and DUI are taken care of.  And Mr. Brown, went ahead and took care of the solicitation charge as well.

Dan: Oh yeah, forgot about that.  Thanks.

Josh: We're in a active running Beer campaign.

Donaghy: You're what!  Which beer?

Josh: Hamms.

[Dan unbuttons his shirt to reveal t-shirt emblazoned with Hamms logo]

Donaghy: That's not the official beer of the NFL!  Crap...sorry boys, I'm going to have to let you go.

Josh: Yes! We did it!  No thanks to you Otis.  Otis?

[Otis is on the phone]

Josh: What's Otis doing?

Otis: [Hangin up phone] Bad news guys.  The show at Shownemax has been pulled off the table, due to your behavior, and a solicitation charge that was found on Dan's record.

Dan: Diaper biscuits!

Josh: Rabbit Turds!  [Josh's phone rings]  Yellow?  Oh, yeah, sorry about, got thrown out the window... Yep, I speak for both of us... What?... Are you serious?...Yep.  Our agen--we'll be over shortly to discuss details.

Otis: Who was that?

Josh: Otis, you're fired.  Never want to see you again

Dan: Who was that?

Josh: Miramax 

Dan: And?

Josh: They want to give us a 3 picture deal based off our exploits in the booth.

Dan: Sweet!!!

Josh: Writing, and starring.

Dan: No way!

Josh: Yep.

Dan: Any co-stars in the works yet?

Josh: A little lady by the name of Kate Winslet!

Dan: YES!!!

Josh: We need to get over there and get ink on this deal quick before we screw something else up

Dan: Let's roll.

[Josh and Dan exit, singing]

Josh and Dan: To every thing, turn turn turn, there is a season, turn turn turn, and a time to every purpose under heaven...

So, I guess the consensus is Louis Armstrong beats Cary Grant in a squeaker, and Chris Tucker gets Super Bowl MVP.  Enjoy the game, everyone!


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