Don't worry, my beloved Giants. Week 2 you will bounce back. I'm confident. Even if you don't, you're not a September team anyway. You turn it on when it really matters, in December and January, when they give out big trophies and rings.
Victor Cruz will catch a few long ones this week, turn the season around. He's so talented. What a find by the Giant front office intelligentsia. He's got to be one of the biggest steals in NFL draft history. Eli will get it going. He's a two-time Super Bowl MVP. Even if he doesn't, September is meaningless. So what if he throws 25 picks this month. It's all about the Super Bowl.
To jump-start the team, I have a suggestion that has worked so well in the past: Announce some fake injuries suffered in practice yesterday to defensive lineman Osi Humanannoyance, Justin All Tuckered Out, and Jason Pierre Peter Paul and Mary. You don't need these guys right now. Sitting them down for half of the season has been your strategy for years. It works. Create some fake contract dispute again between Humanannoyance and the Giant front office. Whatever you do, don't play them. Save them for the playoffs.
This will work as it always does. But I have one major concern. I wish you hadn't traded Brandon Jacobs. The thing I liked about him was that he never oversold his talent and when he scored a touchdown, he was the epitome of class. No dancing, no trash talking. Yes, he averaged 1.6 yards per carry for five seasons but he was terrific in the red zone. Your running game could use a little help and I'm thinking you could use him. He is sorely missed.
Sizing up the rest of the NFC after Week One, there's nothing to worry about. All the hype about RGIII is overblown. OK so he had the best first game by an NFL quarterback in NFL history. But he's going to get exposed. This is not going to last. When he plays the Giants, you guys will put him in his place. You've been dominating the Redskins for decades. They're a losing franchise and you're a winning franchise, polar opposites, like Michael Jordan vs. Ryan Leaf. One guy can't reverse that trend even if he's an accurate passer, intelligent, and can scramble. Even if he's also a world-class sprinter also, you guys will be able to chase him down. But no need to now. Just wake me up after September ends.