Sunday, September 23, 2012
"Not much we can do, now, but look for another job," he says to Bingo.
The Man picks at his omelet, stabs a chunk, and wolfs it down. He raises his eyesbrows, and smiles down at Bingo.
Bingo blinks, and smiles back, as good dogs do.
"Here's the jobs they got, my friend," says the Man. He rubs Bingo's nose, and points at the screen. "Automotive Body Technician...Patient Coordinator...Help Desk Consultant with ACH Payments Experience. What is ACH? Hmmm. Credit Manager?" He looks at Bingo. "That means bill collector."
The Man bites off a piece of bacon, tosses the rest to Bingo, and stares at the ceiling.
"I know what I have to do." He breathes deeply. "Same thing I've been doing." He winks at Bingo.
Bingo barks again, and nods her head.
The Man thumbs his iPhone. "Hello? Is this WWE?"
"Hello, WWE can I help...Yeah, this is WWE. This is Kaitlyn."
"Thee Kaitlyn," says the Man.
"I'm in the ring, in front of thousands one minute, the next I got this torn tendon, so they got me on the phone. Attacked from behind, can you believe. Somebody with a mask."
"This is Marty Mc Thornton. NHL? You've heard of me?"
"Bone Snapper Thornton. Of course," she says. "Yeah, I've heard of you. You kidding? Who hasn't?"
He bites into a piece of buttered toast. "Okay, he says. "Reason I'm calling. You've probably heard the NHL is pretty much shut down for the season." He sips fortified O.J. "So...to stay in shape...you know, since I got a name already..."
"Bone Snapper, yeah. We are always looking for, you know, new talent. But...you'd have to talk with HR, you know."
"I'm known as a goon in hockey circles. An enforcer. That's what I do. Kinda goes with WWE. I was thinking, it's the same thing."
"Yeah, sounds good to me. Matter of fact we do have an opening of sorts. John Cena, he's recovering from elbow surgery. But...you'll have to work on a few things, like the Chickenwing Over the Shoulder Crossface?
"Well, I don't think...
"The Stomach Claw? and The Front Chancery?
"...I'll have a problem...
"How about the Head and Neck Rake?"
"...'cause I'm a real fast learner."
"I'd hire you, but," she says without taking a breath. "Once your strike is over, you'll be saying adios. We're looking for someone who'll stick around, be one of us. Someone who wants to be a star."
Bone Snapper reaches down and pets Bingo's back. "Well, Kaitlyn. Here's the real problem. The NHL is starting to push guys like me out of the League. Fans all say they like the fights, but the owners say fights turn away new fans. My part in the game is mostly as an enforcer. I won't last one day if they go with these new Ontario Hockey League non-fighting rules."
"A job, huh? Of course, we'll have to see Mr. Cena...I'm sorry...are you crying? Was it something I said? You don't want to be a star? Is that it?"
"No ma'am," he says. Bingo puts her paw on Bone Snapper's leg. "I get a little emotional. It's the League. They're destroying the game. The Ontario Hockey League's is talking about no more than 10 fights a season.
"Less fighting, huh?"
"I know. I'll be suspended real quick, if the NHL adopts these new rules. If they do, then I'm as good as screwed."
"Well, guess who just walked in?" says Kaitlyn. "It's Hulk Hogan. And he brought me coffee. Well ain't that nice? Hey, I'm talking to a guy from the NHL. Marty Mc..."
"Hello. This is the Hulkster. Who is this?"
"Bone Snapper. Is this really Hulk Hogan?"
"In da flesh," says the Hulkster. "Well, you wanna be a WWE-er, Snapper, you're going to have to lean a few holds. Think you're up for it? Like the Bite of the Dragon...
"Or the Standing Headscissors...the Stepover Toehold Facelock...
"...the Hangman's Choke, and of course you'll want to Skin the Cat."
"...what it takes. WWE sounds like a perfect fit for me."
"The NHL," says the Hulkster. "Old ladies wringing their hands and clutching their pearls trying to get rid of fighting. Instead, they should outlaw all those cheap shots, like elbows to the head, leaping hits, boarding from behind, knee to knee hits. That's what causes the serious injuries. Hey, I watch hockey."
"You're telling me. People ought to watch the non-fighting Euro League. It's all cheapshots and stick swinging. That's what happens when there's no enforcer."
"Okay, Bone Snapper. This sounds real good. Why not drop by tomorrow morning? I'll get CM Punk, Sheamus, and maybe Beth Phoenix to drop by. Show us what you got."
"I'll be there. Thanks man...sir."
Bone Snapper slowly lays the iPhone on the table. They want him in the WWE. Outstanding.
In between barks and 'Holy Cows,' they finish off the rest of the bacon, half a dozen pieces of toast, and a brace of greasy hash browns. And, with gusto, they party for the rest of the morning. But, knowing Bingo's propensities, Bone Snapper moves his bottle of tequila well out of Bingo's reach.
HELP COME FROM:
Wikipedia: NHL, Google/Images, Readabilityformulas.com