God: So, Tim, how's it going with the Jets this season?
Tim: Well, God, I'm sure this isn't the first time you're heard this from someone, but I'm confused. They brought me in to be the back-up quarterback with the tacit understanding that I would eventually be the starting quarterback because, well, they lacked confidence that Mark Sanchez could get the job done. No one said so but I just figured. You, God, have always figured out complex situations for me and I figured you'd get this ironed out eventually. But it's not happening. Sanchez isn't playing too well. It seems like it's my time. Jet fans are clamoring for me to be the starter. Bloggers are doing the same such as those who write for Popflyboys.com. But I'm still standing on the sidelines in limbo wondering where my life is headed.
God: Well, Tim. God works in mysterious ways. I should know, because I am God. I mystify myself sometimes. In fact, there is this thing called the Great Mystery about which I'm sure you are familiar. There are Three Persons in One God: God the father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit. Not kidding. Look it up on Wikipedia. A lot of people have trouble getting their heads around this concept. I lot of people don't believe it. It's pretty wild, I concede. But I'm telling you, dude, it's for real.
Tim: Yes, it's one of those tricky things in life. But I believe in it because you are my Lord and Savior and what you say is the ultimate truth. It's puzzling and mind-boggling but so are a lot of things in life. I believe even though I don't understand.
God: I know. Tim. This goes without saying. Now, about your situation with the Jets...I think there might be some issues within that organization. Take Rex Ryan, for example. He doesn't pray to me much. In fact, I have trouble getting his attention; always have even since he was a chubby little grade schooler. I have to say, Tim, there are not many people in the world of six billion people like your coach. From my perspective, he's pretty much living in the moment. While that's OK to an extent, Rex doesn't seem to think in terms of the supernatural and everlasting life. The afterlife, which means when he's dead, doesn't seem to be on his radar. I don't think he thinks about that stuff. It's OK to not want to worry about what you can't control and all that, but Rex strikes me as one who really has a lot of things tuned out besides, well, football and explaining why he's not your starting quarterback yet to New York Times and New York Post daily beat reporters.
Tim: Well one time during a pre-game speech he said "we better not play as God-awful as we had the week before" or "Lord knows what I might do to you God-awful players." And that "God d--- we better kick butt against the Patriots." He said that "Bill Belichik is not as much of a God as the media makes him out to be." So he talks about God, he thinks about God. He refers to God. So maybe he believes in God.
God: Yeah, but I can't get his attention when I want to. Often times he's too busy at press conferences predicting the Jets will definitely win the Super Bowl. Not once before saying this has he prayed to me asking if it's the appropriate thing to say. I sense he doesn't care what I think. I sense he doesn't care what anyone thinks. That includes you, Tim. I sense he just wants to win the Super Bowl, much more than he wants to talk to God or think about God.
Tim: He says he wants to give me more playing time. But it doesn't happen. I get my five or six plays per game and then I'm done. I get paid pretty well, a few million, to do basically not much. But I want more than this God. I have much more to contribute to the Jets, to the fans, to the world. My path in life is running into a dead end.
God: How much can you bench press, Tim?
Tim: About four hundred pounds. There isn't a quarterback in the NFL who can bench press as much as me. My arms are huge. I'm a specimen, Popeye the Sailor Man. There are lots of physical specimens in the NFL, legit huge guys. But not many who play quarterback. I'm proud of that. I am a jacked quarterback. I can make words rhyme, too.
God: Do you like women, Tim?
Tim: Yes, of course, I love all my fellow human beings.
God: Do you have any idea how many women would like to go out with you, would like to marry you, would like to make Little Timmy and Tammy Tebow babies with you?
Tim: (blushing) Well, when I go out and give inspirational speeches, a lot of women-older mothers, younger mothers, college girls, teenage girls- all seem to like me a lot. They all want to get a photo with me. During Jets games while I stand on the sideline women yell at me that the love me from the lower rows of the stands.
God: You've got it made, Tim. If women like you, that's all that matters. You don't need Rex to like you. You don't need to be a starting NFL quarterback.
Tim: But tons of women also love Mark Sanchez. He's got the starting job and all kinds of babes chasing him around. They yell at him that they love him from the lower rows of the stadium.
God: You sound jealous, Tim. Do you know that it's not right to be envious of another person? Are you jealous?
Tim: Of course I am. Have you seen the babes Sanchez has been out with? They are Goddesses.