Dwight Howard: Kobe, you seem really irritable these past few days, more so than usual, and you're pretty irritable most of the time. What's bugging you?
Kobe Bryant: I want to win my sixth NBA championship so I will tie Michael Jordan, my boyhood and manhood idol. I want to go down as better than MJ so the critics will once and for all consider me the best. I will not stop until I match his 6 and then get 7 and time is running out. I only have a few more years to play in me.
Dwight: So this is all about you?
Kobe: That's right.
Dwight: It is always all about you?
Dwight: But I'm hurt, Kobe. My shoulder is sore.
Kobe: My whole body is sore. Every night I play with pain. Get back on the court and quit being a Jolly Green Giant.
Dwight: Jolly Green Giant? That's pretty harsh, Kobe. I'm sensitive.
Kobe: Deal with it.
Dwight: Doctors told me I need to sit out a few more games.
Kobe: Doctors told me so sit out a few more games, too. But I don't listen to them. I don't listen to anyone. Not since Phil left.
Dwight: Your cruel, me-first attitude is tearing up this team. You're panicking. I'm hurt. Pow is hurt. So you're ripping on us because your goal of beating Michael and being the best ever is now slipping away if we don't win the title this year. It's bad timing for you but you don't care about our injuries.
Kobe: I'll do anything to make this team win a championship. If it means insulting you and Pow, I'll do it. If it means telling D'Antoni to shove it, I'll do it. I'm the best, hardest working player in the world and you guys are also-rans. My best advice to you is to listen to me.
Pao Gasol: Kobe, I'm hurt also. Docs told me my plantar foot thing will sideline me 6-8 weeks.
Kobe: No pudding, Pussycat Pow. The timing of your injury blows. We were on a roll winning four straight. I became the leading assistant man in the NBA over that span-for the first time in my illustrious career, I might add. And then you trip over your own feet, fall down, and now you're out for the most important stretch of the season. We had a chance to be the 8th seed for the Western Conference playoffs. Now we're in trouble. I blame you and Dwight for not being tough enough to play through injuries.
Pow: Be reasonable, Kobe. My foot is really messed up.
Kobe: So is my goal to surpass MJ as the all-time greatest.
Pow: So this is all about you.
Kobe: Of course. It's always been all about me. Ask Shaq.