If everyone will tune their dials to 98.6 FM, it’s time for everyone’s favorite Radio show…
Station ID Recording: Double-yoo [echo 3x] Double-yoo eff enn arr. FanNation Radio, 98.6 FM.
Dan: You're listening to Drive Time with Josh and Dan on WFNR, FanNation Radio. Well, Josh, the Super Bowl is over, and there's just one game left to play.
Josh: Wait, there's a game left to play?
Dan: Yeah, there is. The Annual Popularity Contest in Hawaii.
Josh: Wait, I'm not in Hawaii....
Dan: You know, the one where they don't invite anyone from playoff teams who play in Florida unless someone's hurt and needs a replacement?
Josh: Oh, right....the Pro Bowl! The most forgotten all-star game on the planet!
Dan: SH! You can't say Pr* B*wl on the radio! I find those words offensive!
Josh: Wait, is the FCC cracking down again?
Dan: No, that's just my rule. However, the FCC doesn't want you saying "Blat-nort." So make sure you don't use that one.
Josh: Got it, don't say "Blat-nort".
Dan: All right, so let's dig right in. Now during the regular season, at this time, we'd usually debate one of the games this week. I have no opinion on the Popularity Contest, do you, Josh?
Josh: Seeing as I forgot it was going down, no, no opinion whatsoever.
Dan: Figured as much. So we're taking a suggestion from one of our favorite listeners, and we're going to flip a coin and each pick a side to debate.
Josh: Okay, Heads I get NFC and Tails you get AFC.
Dan: All right, that sounds...waaaaait a minute, I've fallen for this one before. No, Heads you get NFC, tails I get NFC.
Josh: Fine...Mr. Stickindamud
Dan: For this coin flip, we're using a special 2000 nickel, with the classic Jefferson-facing-left design, and Monticello on the back.
Josh: Was that your Christmas bonus?
Dan: No, my Christmas bonus was a paper football made out of my own resume.
And I'm flipping... its heads!
Josh: Sweet! I get NFC! Who do you get? Or do we have to flip again?
Dan: I get the AFC, also known as The Replacements for the Patriots Who Didn't Feel Like Going.
Josh: Well, I have the NFC, home of the Super Bowl Champs...although we didn't let any of them play on this team.
Dan: Well, I have one of the best cornerbacks in the league, plus two who were the two best last year, but aren't this year and probably shouldn't have made it.
Josh: I have Al "Plax made a fool of me" Harris starting at a CB spot for the NFC...so quit your griping
Dan: I think this game's really going to come down to the punters, aka The Only Bright Spots Around the San Francisco Bay; Shane Lechler and Andy Lee.
Josh: I'm with you on that...but I think it's the other side of the Punt that's going to decide things...with Hester and Cribbs returning punts against players that don't normally play special teams...and a unit that doesn't get any practice time. And if you're going to put the game on Hester and Cribbs....you know where my money is going to rest....
Dan: And of course, we get to see a rematch of Umenyiora vs. the Patriots' offensive line... we saw how that worked out... I'm not making very strong arguments here, am I?
Josh: No, not really...Your arguments are as tired as the Pats D on that last drive...
Dan: And I'm tired of this... can we talk about something else?
Josh: In the interest of giving closure...what's your prediction, with score...
Dan: AFC wins, scoring 27 points to the NFC's 35.
Josh: Great, I have the NFC winning 35-27. Well then, another great debate in the books!
Dan: Let's go to commercial, and we'll be right back to take some of your calls. Call in to 1-800-555-WFNR, and let us know what you want to talk about. It's a fake number, but through the magic of fiction, you'll be able to reach us. We'll be right back with more of Drive Time with Josh and Dan, after this.
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Josh: Welcome back to Drive Time. It's time now for everyone's favorite segment....
Recording: The Blooooowtard Call ins. Brought to you by Pedialyte.
Josh: That's right, it's the Blowtard section, where we take your calls and answer whatever question you've got on the brain. Whatever it is, we'll be happy to answer it for you...
Dan: ...Or just make fun of you for several minutes and then laugh you off the air.
Josh: Shhh...Dan, that's no fun...spilling the beans like that. Remember folks, Dan is the one that said that, not me. So blame him.
Dan: And we have our first caller, Justin from Timber Lake, SD... Justin, hello, you're on with Josh and Dan!
Justin: Hi, my girlfriend just dumped me, and I'm having trouble getting over her. I was thinking about trying online dating. What should I do?
Josh: In cases like this Justin, I always follow the advice of John Belushi..."My advice to you, start drinking heavily." If you can't solve your problems with more booze...then they aren't really problems.
Justin: But I'm 16.
Josh: You're 16! Get over yourself...online dating? What?
Dan: Do you have any questions about football, Justin? That's, uh... kind of what we do here.
Justin: How can I find a girl who likes football?
Josh: Ah, that is the age old question...many a great man has asked that, and many a great man has failed.
Dan: And those men have never talked to some of the wonderful women of FanNation. I'm looking at you, Tracy.
Josh: Yeah, but at 16...well...the expression "craddle robber" comes to mind. But to each his own I guess. Justin, stay on the line while we give you Tracy's digits.
Dan: And hey, if that doesn't work out, there's always the Swimsuit issue.
Josh: Alright, next caller calls himself Goat and is from Scranton...ooooh...sorry about that....
GOAT: Are you guys ever going to talk about anything besides football?
Dan: Goat, I don't know what you mean. We talk about other things all the time... movies, beer, sausage...
Josh: ...Kate Winslett...Scarlett Johanssen...um...I spent a long time talking about deodorant the other day...
Dan: Josh's daughter's bowel movements...
Josh: My own bowel movements...
Dan: PackBrew's trouble with bowel movements...
Josh: Dan's unhealthy infatuation with men dressed like Care Bears...ooooh...wait, I wasn't supposed to mention that one was I?
Dan: Josh's lack of open-mindedness when it comes to my fetishes...
Josh: Hey, I let you have the Care Bear poster here in the studio, what more do you want?
Dan: It seems we've lost our caller. Shame.
Josh: We have that effect on people
Dan: Next up is Bill from D.C. Hi, Bill, you're on the air.
Bill: Hi, who do you like in 2008?
Josh: Same team I like every year....Da Bears! What kind of question is that? You think that I'm going to change who I root for because of one bad season? Are you frickin' mental?
Dan: Um Josh, I think he’s asking for an early Super Bowl pick for next year. Bill, tough to say so early in the offseason, but I'm definitely not picking Eagles-Ravens again.
Bill: What are you talking about, all these animals? Bears, Ravens, Eagles? I'm talking donkeys and elephants.
Dan: What, like the Crimson Tide? We don't really cover college football.
Josh: Donkeys? Are you some sort of perv?
Bill: Hillary, Barack, McCain, Huckabee...
Josh: Oooooh, I liked that movie
Dan: No, Josh, I think he wants to talk politics. Well, Bill, Chuck Norris likes Huckabee, so I'm going to have to say Kevin Boss for President.
Josh: Here's my only feeling on this...a large part of me really wants Bill Clinton back in the White House as the First Husband or First Dude or whatever it is...the comedic possibilities are just the charts...
Bill: Well thank you, I think so too.
Dan: Wait, is this Bill CLINTON? On the air with us?
Bill: Uh, no. No, it's not. But I think everyone should vote for Hillary.
Dan: Are you sure, your voice sounds just like his.
Bill: No, just a coincidence. Hey, you all got any interns at your station?
Josh: Yeah, but his name is Ben, although he goes by Lilwound
Bill: Hoo-boy, no thankee. All right, I'll try another station.
Josh: Wow...Bill Clinton here on our show....that just lent a whole bunch of credibility to the station....
Dan: Don't get your hopes up, I hear he calls every station trolling for interns and plugging Hillary... or maybe it's the reverse...
Josh: Yes....well....moving on to our next caller....We have Bud in St. Louis...Bud, go ahead you're on the air with Josh and Dan...
Bud: What is your favorite movie to quote lines from?
Josh: Wow! That's a good question. Tough one though. I mean, what does one gauge his response on: notoriety? Ease of recall? The ability to paraphrase easily to suit one's needs? Or even...
Dan: Oh, looks like we lost that caller...that's too bad. Moving on...The next caller is Nick from Intercourse, PA. Nick, you're on.
Nick: Hey, hear you guys want an actual football question. I got one.
Dan: That's great, Nick, feel free to ask it anytime. At your own pace.
Nick: Thanks. Can I just say I love the show? You guys are great.
Dan: Okay, please get to the question.
Nick: Do you think Jessica Simpson will have any effect on Tony Romo's preparation this--
Dan: We don't allow that kind of question here, sorry Nick.
Josh: Yeah, Nick...if you want gossip on Tony and Jessica you can goto any of the following sites: www.Tessica.com, www.Romofans.com, www.romosexuals.com or www.fannation.com. On this show we deal with real, hard hitting football news. We're going to step away from the calls for a second, for a word from our sponsors but we'll return shortly to ponder which coach is the best dressed.
Voiceover: You want one of these don't you? After a hard day of work, there is nothing better, then kicking back and relaxing with one of these. The curves, the sweat, the head...it's enough to make a man stand up, sit down, jump around, even kill.
There is nothing you want more than to run your lips along that, and drink in the juices that pour forth. The problems at work disappear just thinking of caressing the sweet curves on this one. You want it don't you? You reach into your pants...
FCC Voiceover: The FCC has interrupted this commercial because it has deemed this unfit for the American Airwaves.
Voiceover: Wait! What's wrong with this? Can't you see the picture of the beer?
FCC: No, you dolt, this is the radio!
Voiceover: Oh, right....whoops. I'll fix this.
FCC: Okay, carry on.
Voiceover: Okay, um...all that stuff I said? Imagine a picture of a sweaty glass of beer. There, that's better. What? We're out of time? Ah, man, this job sucks.
Dan: Aaaaand, we're back. Again, this is WFNR, FanNation Radio, 98.6 on your FM dial. You're listening to Drive Time with Josh and Dan. We're going to take a break from the calls for a second, and give you Josh and Dan's Top Ten List of the Week. This week's topic: Top Ten Things that Will Happen Before the Redskins Hire a Coach.
Josh: Oh this should be good…
Dan: #10: Brian Brohm is projected to go anywhere from 2nd overall pick to undrafted in internet mock drafts.
Josh: I have him down as going to Bobby Petrino's team.
Dan: You would.
Josh: At #9 we have Easter. What? That's it? Why do I get the Unfunny one?
Dan: No, man, it's hilarious; because Easter comes earlier this year... you're right, that one sucked.
Josh: Let's blame that one on the Writer's strike
Dan: #8. Not to be outdone by Harrison Ford, Sylvester Stallone, and Bruce Willis; Danny Glover and Mel Gibson reunite for Lethal Weapon 5: Now We’re BOTH Too Old For This S**t.
Josh: I'd pay to see that...just for the inevitable fanatical Christian out burst by Mel at some point in the film
Dan: Man, where's Glover been? I haven't heard from him since Saw.
Josh: I think you just answered your own question...that brings us to #7...please be funny...Bill Parcells fires Tony Sparano, hires himself as coach
Dan: However, the ending is ambiguous as to whether or not Tony got whacked.
Josh: But Parcells is known as Billy Walnuts from here on out.
Dan: #6: Eagles tight end L.J. Smith is the first person to not complain about being franchise tagged in years. He says, "Really? You're paying me like I'm one of the top 5 tight ends in the league? [snicker] Okay!"
Josh: Boooohooooo, I'm only going to make an ungodly amount of money for this one year....oh woe is me....
Dan: I'm looking forward to another round of explaining to FanNation users why they shouldn't get rid of the franchise tag... fun times.
Josh: Yeah, but no one listens to you anyway....moving onto #5...The Bears, desperate for a QB, coax Jim McMahon out of retirement. Season ticket sales sky rocket.
Dan: And before the season even starts, the fans are clamoring for Kyle Orton to get the start.
Josh: Screw Orton, someone get Steve Fuller on the phone!
Dan: In at #4: The Apocalypse. The end of the world will happen before Snyder finally hires someone.
Josh: Finally rendering "Apocalypse Now" an ironic title.
Dan: Then Hollywood goes through a phase of post-apocalyptic movies, which are now considered period pieces.
Josh: Man, Waterworld could win a posthumous Oscar for Kevin Costner. Moving onto #4: The Apocalypse. The end of the world will happen....what the hell is this crap? We just did that one for #4! Who's getting fired for this?
Dan: Josh, you need to read the next one down. The one listed at #3.
Dan: Three, sir.
Josh: Ah....that's like 13 without the 1 in front, right?
Josh: Okay, coming it at #5....
Dan: Three, sir.
Josh: Right, coming in at #3...Dick Cheney is elected President of the US. Immediately states that all oil in the world belongs to the US, and declares war on anyone that disagrees.
Dan: Italy sends over 5 billion gallons of olive oil, which gives Cheney a massive heart attack, and an international crisis is averted.
Josh: Thankfully, the million gallons of massage oil from the Adam & Eve catalog arrive too late.
Dan: In at #2, the US Mint releases yet another new-look 20 dollar bill, identical to the Euro. Yes, like the NFL, the currency world becomes a copycat league, where one mint just mimics what the more successful one does.
Josh: Citing the changes by the US, the European Union decides to go to a two-back system, and run more play action.
Dan: Bill Parcells takes over as Secretary of the Treasury and plans to switch to a 3-4, despite the fact that the Treasury Department doesn't have the personnel.
Josh: Yeah, the Treasury Department doesn't have a wide body to play Nose Tackle....but that brings us to #1...
Dan: I’m as giddy as a school girl waiting for this one…
Josh: With the help of Chuck Norris, Brett Favre discovers the secret of cloning. Clone #1 retires from the NFL and is immediately interviewed for the Redskins coaching job. Clone #2 joins Al and John in the booth on Sunday Night Football, and Clone #3 discovers the fountain of youth with the help of Chuck Norris' clone, and Favre goes on playing QB for the Packers for the next 500 years.
Dan: Favre and his three clones, and Norris and his clone, are named as having People Magazine's top 5 Sexiest Beards in America.
Josh: John Madden gets so excited his head explodes...but Chuck Norris puts his head back together with Favre's help.
Dan: And that's our Top Ten, let's go back to the phones. Let's see, we have Kate from Los Angeles. Hi, Kate, you're on with Josh and Dan.
Kate: Hi, this is Kate Winslet, I was googling myself and came up like five hundred times in you guys' blog.
Josh: Can I get a ruling on “googling myself? It sounds a little dirty…
Dan: Hey, who hasn’t googled themselves at some point…
Josh: Yeah, you’re not helping…Kate, glad you didn't find our website dedicated to you
Dan: Also glad you don't know that while we're doing the show, we have the painting scene from Titanic playing on loop on our TV...crap, now you do.
Kate: What exactly is your deal, guys?
Dan: Um... will you marry us?
Josh: Yeah, can we be like the opposite of a polygamist family?
Dan: And we can have a reality TV show about our lives...
Josh: And maybe Scarlett Johanssen can come over sometimes and play strip poker...
Dan: And we can watch football every Sunday...
Kate: Oh, jolly good, I love football!
Dan: SHE LOVES FOOTBALL! JOSH, I TOLD YOU SHE WAS PERFECT!!!
Josh: What's your favorite team? Please say Bears, please say Bears...
Kate: Actually, I'm a fan of Manchester United.
Dan: Manch... wha?
Kate: After all, they're the reigning Premier League champions, even though they're owned by a Yank.
Dan: Yank? What? No yanking going on here, I swear.
Kate: No, the Glazer Family. Americans. Yankees.
Josh: Oh, we don't talk about baseball much here.
Dan: Glazer - don't they own the Bucs?
Kate: Yes, they own your American Football franchise, the Buccaneers, as well.
Dan: Oh, God.
Josh: She's talking about soccer.
Dan: I don't know a thing about soccer.
Josh: Kate, I'm not sure this is working out between us.
Dan: You'll still live on in our hearts and TV screens and blogs, it's just...
Josh: I'm just not ready for a relationship where we can’t even agree on what "football" means.
Kate: What a bunch of Wan-kers.
Dan: Well, that's all the time we have on Drive Time with Josh and Dan. Thanks for tuning in, and we'll see you next week, when there will be no football at all. And it's okay to mourn, remember: strong men also cry.
Josh: If you can’t bring yourself to tears, ask your kid to head butt you in the jimmy, that will do the trick. But there really isn’t reason to cry, we’ve got the off-season, the combine, the draft, then Training camp starts…then preseason…and before you know it, kick off of the 2008 season will be here. Through it all, we’ll be here guiding your through all of it!
Voiceover: Drive Time with Josh and Dan is brought to you by Beefamato. “Beefamato, it’s what’s for dinner!”
And that’s all for this week’s program. Tune in next week when we try to find some other football related tidbit to talk about…or just give up, move to LA and get jobs as waiters that are trying to become writers.