For years, the nation's educators have been howling about the evils inherent in such big time college sports as football and basketball. They contend that there's no one who's really lifted a finger to correct the situation until MAD's Athletic Council went to work, and came up with a brand new sport that promises to provide good clean amateur fun for all. Here, then, are the rules for a great new national pastime of the future .... Introducing -
A Squamish team consists of 43 players:
Each player is equipped with a long hooked stick known as a "Frullip." The "Frullip" is used to halt opposing players attempting to cross the goal line with the prik-(ball)The "official-prik" is usually 3 1/2 inches in diameter and is made of untreated Ibex hide and stuffed with Blue-Jay feathers.
Play begins with the "Probate-Judge" flipping a brand new Canadian Looney. If the visiting Captain calls the toss correctly, the game is canclled imediately. If he fails to call it correctly, the Home Team Captain is given his choice of either carrying his prik ... or defend against his opponent carrying his.
The game of Squamish is played on a 5 sided pentagon field known as the "Flutney". The two teams line up on opposite sides of the Flutney and play 7 0gres of 15 mins. ea. -- Unless it rains, in which case they play 8 0gres.
Upon recieving the prik, the offensive team has 5 "Snivels" in which to advance to the enemies goal. If the do it on the ground, it's a "Woomik" and counts for 17 points. If they hit it across with their Frullip, it's a "Durmish" and only counts 11 points.
Only the Nibblings and Overblatts are allowed to score in the first 6 0gres.
The "Outside Defending Grouch" signals he is ready to hurl his prik when he shouts "MY PRIK SEES AN OPEN HOLE".
Special rules are applicable only during the 7th 0gre (and 8th if it rains) The four 'Half-Frumpps' are allowed to either kick or hurl the prik, and the 9 Finks are allowed to heckle the opposition by doing Barry Manilow imitations.
A variety of penalties keep the game from getting out of hand. Such as "Whacking The Prik -- Frullip Gouging -- Icing On The Fifth Snivel "
"Running with the mob & Raunching" are minor infractions and only subject to 10yd. penalties.
"Interfering with 'Wicket Men' -- Rushing the Season -- Bowing to the Inevitable -- Sending the Dummy Home Early -- and Inability to Face Facts"
are all punishable by loss of half of a Flutney, except when the Yellow Caution Flag is out.
Squamish rules provides four officials -- a Probate Judge -- Field Representative -- Head Coxwain -- & Baggage Smasher.
None has any authority after play has begun. In the event of a disagreement between officials, a final decision is left up the spectator who has drank the most beer without puking. In the event of a tie score, the teams play a sudden death overtime. The exception to this rule is only when the Left Overblatts are both out of the game for personal fouls. When this is the case, the two teams line up on opposite sides of the Flutney and settle the tie by shouting insults and obscenities at each other until one team breaks down and cries.
Schools with small enrollments may play a simplified version of Squamish:
The rules are identical, except in 2-Man Squamish the object of the game is to lose.
Of course .If it should become a regular event in future Olympic trials. no one would win any medals because no one would be able to figure out the rules! But I'd watch it. It's bound to be entertaining