How hysterical would the nation get if the Miami Heat lose tonight to the Indiana Pacers in Game 5 of the NBA Eastern Conference Finals? South Beach bars will shut down in somber homage until the completion of Game 6 and possibly 7. The rationale would be that LeBron and DWade wouldn't be tempted to go out and be seen clubbing before the deciding game that, if they lose, will be remembered in South Beach as one of the more shocking losses in The LeBron Chronicles. No one would boogie dance there for two straight nights.
If the Pacers win tonight, the Bunson burner pan will be cranked sky high on the Heat. Although he won't feed this to the press, LeBron will generate a fleeting desire to exit the kitchen. Teammate Bird Man, the kooky, oddly talented, multi-colored tat dude, will have to dial his act down. Ever wonder if he fits in at South Beach hangouts? At the other end of the spectrum, teammate Shane Battier will go all intellectual on us at his local library, reading about philosophy and world religions like he did at Duke. He will long for those undergraduate days when Coach K would always led his team to victories no matter how fierce the threat of losing.
If the Pacers win tonight, the nation that has so far been rather disengaged from the NBA playoffs, will electrify their flat screens to see if the man who decided to "take his talents to South Beach" has the wherewithal to take his team to the NBA finals for two straight seasons. People who don't care much about the NBA like, I surmise, participants in today's National Spelling Bee Sweepstakes, will hear through the grapevine that the Heat are teeter tottering on frayed and rail thin ropes and about to choke away a spectacular season. People will want to see the Heat sweat the pressure. Coach Savvy Spo will feign calmness but will prove unsuccessful because, well, he has the best team, and to be regarded as the best player ever Bron needs to win his second NBA title in order to get closer to Michael Jordan's six. He will know that he will catch a wildfire of wrath if they lose this series to the Pacers and his summer will really blow smoke.
If the Pacers win tonight, all seats in the theatre will be filled. People who have been watching the Mets and Yankees these past few days will say to themselves "You know, there are 162 games in a Major League Baseball season and we're at, like, number 43. The Heat and Pacers are playing for all the tomatoes and husks of corn tonight and I want to devour that. What a meal."
If the Pacers win tonight, ESPN commentator Stephen A. Smith, who two nights ago guaranteed the Heat would close out this series in six games, will keep shouting at the TV camera and ESPN counter-arguer Skip Bayless the way he always does. But this time his yelling will be how the Heat blew it and Bron is never going to be as great as MJ. One day he says one thing; the next day something else. The one consistency is his decibel level.
If the Pacers win tonight, the whole basketball community around the world, including those fledgling ballers in China, Lithuania, and Argentina, will rearrange their routines to ensure they see this game live even if they have to view in the middle of the night. The NBA is the greatest basketball league on Earth and Bron is the planet's best player. To see him have to sweat out a climactic game and possibly lose it is what great sports entertainment is all about. I like and respect him but adore great sports drama more.
If the Pacers win tonight, their coach (whatever his name is; I'm guessing almost nobody knows) will start getting praised as being a genius coach who cracked the code for beating the Heat juggernaut. Experts will say his "strategy" of having his two big men, Roy Hibbert and David West, dominate rebounding and inside scoring was brilliant and foiled the Heat finally. He will start getting compared to some of the great basketball minds of all time. I may even take up a whole blog to write about his growing up years and what his grades were in high school.
If the Pacers win tonight, please pass the pandemonium.