Hey Hartley, you lame, spineless cuss. Who are you to attack me, Joey "Jaws" Chestnut, and threaten to dethrone me in the upcoming Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest? You're got nerve. I don't even know you. You don't have a reputation in the hot dog eating community. You're some blowhard from New Jersey--what a shocker--seeking attention for yourself, trying to psyche me out.
I'm the reigning champ of this event and will win it again this year because, unlike other contestants, I am not grossed out by soaking the buns in water to make them go down easier. It's only water. Yes, the buns get mushy but put this in context. Eating 68 soggy buns in under five minutes is no more gross than eating 68 hot dogs in that same time span. It's all wrong yet parallel in a sense. To win this contest you need courage and high tolerance for nastiness. I've proven my mettle at this.
You, on the other hand, are an imposter, some Charlie-Come-Lately nobody pulling some publicity stunt. It won't work. You're dealing with a guy who gets it when it comes to wolfing down too many hot dogs. I've read about this contest, taken several seminars about gluttony, attended Fat People Anonymous (FPA) meetings. I have put in my time at the dinner table. Every night for the past eleven months I've eaten 41 hot dogs. In a book I read that to stretch your stomach into shape you don't have to eat 68 every night, as I did last year to win. Forty-one per night per eleven months should get me to 68 in Brooklyn in a few weeks when this shindig does down. Forty one is some percentage of 68 but this isn't a math lesson.
Who are you, anyway? I read you blog and it seems you write weird stuff about weird topics. You chose the hot dog contest figuring no one else blogs about it. Did you ever consider this is because no one cares about it so no one wants to be associated with it from a literary perspective? Writers are upper crust. Hot dog eating contests are low rent. You tried to differentiate yourself in the blogging world. But all you did was embarrass yourself for predicting you could beat me by playing with my mind and convincing me to opt out of the event to find myself. You have to be fat to win this, which I'm sure you are sitting on your backside blogging all day. But you also need to be crazy. Most bloggers are crazy, I've heard, and you definitely fit that mold. But I don't read many of them. I only peruse three magazines: Hot Dog News, Eating Frankfurthers Fast and Furious, and The Glutton's Gazette.
You may be interested to know that Hot Dog News did a profile about me last month and put me on the cover holding 41 hot dogs in my mouth. Since then the magazine's circulation has skyrocketed. I'm a major American star. You are a hot dog blogger. Who is laughing now?
I would say, in all honestly, that your blog predicting that you would beat me has motivated me to come by your house today and challenge you to a one-on-one hot dog eating contest, just you and me without all the TV cameras. You and me, in your kitchen, in America's paradise, New Jersey.
What do you say, you phony baloney?