The minds of Josh and Dan are a cluttered, disturbed place. Amongst the random movie lines, football knowledge, and dead brain cells…well…there seems to be a large imagination. In their magical world, anything is possible…a 3 picture deal at Miramax…their own Radio Show…Kate Winslet…or even…owning the Bears and Redskins…
[Scene] Josh and Dan are in the Penthouse Suite at the Palms in Las Vegas. They are wearing smoking jackets, puffing away at Cuban tobacco rolled in 100-dollar bills.
Josh: Why in f**k sake would anyone smoke these damn things?
Dan: I don't know. It tastes all... inky. Also don't know why we ate those fish eggs earlier. But hey, it's a long standing tradition that rich people do gross s**t because it's a status symbol.
Josh: Yeah, like washing their feet….stupid rich people
Dan: And yet, somehow, we've joined the club.
Josh: Yeah, who knew that the Nigerian email scam would work this perfectly? The key was convincing email@example.com to fork over his SS#
Dan: You'd think people would be on to it by now, but no.
Josh: Well, your "Hey, you just won a lotto you never heard of" scam was pretty gosh darn good too.
Dan: Yeah, yeah it was
Josh: Okay, that's it, I can't fake liking these things anymore [Throws cigar in the direction of the hot tub] Call room service and get more Guinness for the room.
Dan: Can rich people drink beer?
Josh: Who cares what other rich people do...I got rich to do 2 things...own the Bears and drink some beer. All we need is some beer
Dan: Fair enough. [picks up phone] Room service? Twelve-pack of Guinness to the Penthouse suite, please?... Well, go get some. Thanks, you're a peach. [hangs up] Arse-Face. They say they're going to have to get it from the store two whole blocks away
Josh: Wait, call them back and tell them to get it from Ireland. I don't want some cans in the back of a store...I want a wooden keg of Guinness fresh from the brewery
Dan: Now you're talking like a rich man.
Josh: Well, what good is money if you have to have the same crap as poor people?
Dan: [picks up phone] Room service? Scratch going next door, we want a keg shipped from Ireland... Well, send it on my supersonic jet. [presses a few buttons on his PDA] It's already on its way to Ireland, just get a keg on it and send it up when it gets here.... Three hours is not good enough! What do I pay you people for?! [Hangs up] Looks like this 150-year-old bottle of scotch will have to do for now. Pity, I was hoping to use it for a foot bath.
Josh: Ah hell...give me the scotch. Do we at least have some Coke to mix with it? Wait, not coke...rare Artesian Cola?
Dan: Ooh, sounds exotic. I'll take a foot bath in that and have my scotch straight.
Josh: [taking a sip of Scotch and Artesian Cola] Ugh, this stuff tastes like week-old bong water! How many bottles of this crap do we have?
Dan: It says here on the box... "last 43 bottles known to exist of this excitingly rare cola beverage."
42 now, and 41 after the foot bath
Josh: Great. Let's drop them out the window and see if we hit anything.
Josh: [Dropping first can] Wait, what did you buy with your share of the money? I know you were talking about a flying car...but...then I tuned out. Crap...missed. [Hands can to Dan]
Dan: [Dropping can] 39! Well...you bought the Bears...and not to be out done, I bought my favorite group of guys in the world. Damn, that one drifted to the right.
Josh: [Dropping 2 cans] 38 and 37....so wait...you bought NSYNC? Damn it…polo shirt moved, so 37 and 38 were duds.
Dan: [Holding 3 cans out the window] Well, yeah, but that was only with the first 10k. Then I used the rest to buy control of the Redskins.[Releases all 3] Bombs away!
Josh: Ah, that’s right the Skins…Hey, seems like we've scared away the common folk down there. Wait, throw some hundreds out the window...
Dan: [Throws a fist full of hundreds out] Look at the little people run!
Josh: Now hit them with 25 through 34!
Dan: [Dan grabs an armful and sends 'em flying] That guy was already dead, right?
Josh: Yeah, he doesn't count...but the dude with the Cowboy hat went down like a sack of rocks...so that's a 100 points.
Dan: I hate the Cowboys!
Josh: Not a Cowboys hat…a Cowboy hat...but, then again, who doesn't hate the Cowboys.
Dan: All right, your turn, how many can you chuck at once?
Josh: Jeez...let me see...24, 23, 22, 21, 20, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13...looks like 12 sprung a leak...11...10...yeah that's about it...anymore and I couldn't get my arms out the window. Wait...throw the bait out there first.
Dan: [Dan throws a few more fistfuls of hundreds out the window] Come and get your money, stupid poor people! Come and get it! Comeandgetit! Good stupid people.
Josh: And here comes your yummy Artesian cola! [Unloads all the cans] Chick in the gaudy Hawiian shirt goes down...and the guy with the visor...he's down for the count...holy nuts...is that Spurrier?
Dan: I believe it is…now he’s truly an ex-Redskins coach.
Josh: Give me the leaky 12 can...I think he's trying to get back up...[Dan hands the leaky 12 can, that is spraying a fine jet of cola every where] With the wind, and the force of the spray...if I aim a little high and right...[chucks can] HA! Perfect!
Dan: Nice frickin' throw! [They swing for a high-five and miss completely] If only Rex could throw like that, your team would be going some where...
Josh: Dude, Rex is out on the market. I'm free and clear of that waste of DNA. All I can say, whoever gets him, good luck...and won't see you in the playoffs.
Dan: I think that's a little harsh - you might see Rex in the playoffs... if the starter he's playing under doesn't get hurt. Hey, I've got an idea. We're in Vegas, let's get a bookie in here and waste some money.
Josh: Man, I already blew my punter budget at the craps table.
Dan: Josh…we own the Bears and the Redskins…we can practically print our own money!
Josh: Oooh, print our own money with the Bears and Skins logos on it! Or I can always just sell "Monsters of the Midway" Towels. Made in China for 5 cents...sold to fans for $10. Talk about a scam. Yeah, what the hell, let's blow some more money...what did you have in mind? And if it's more "drop things out the window" I'm game, but I want credit for the 300 points I have already.
Dan: No, man, we'll bet on where all the free agents end up.
Josh: Ooooooh....I like it. Wait...you don't think Goodell would have a problem with that do you?
Dan: Nah... you think?
Josh: I'll just ask him....GOODELL!!!!
Goodell: [Walking in from bedroom] Jesus, what is it...I was entertaining some company in there.
Josh: Sorry, man...here, throw a can out the window, it will make you feel better.
[Goodell grabs a can and chucks it hard]
Dan: Dude! You hit Tim Donaghy! Well done! I hate that corrupt gambling b*st*rd.
Goodell: Well, Stern owes me one then, remind me to call that blowtard later. What did you want to ask me guys? Bambi is waiting for me...
Josh: Uh...Dan...you exlpain it, it's your idea
Dan: We are going to make some friendly wagers on…
Goodell: I’m going to stop you right there…let’s just treat this like the Army…don’t ask, don’t tell. If you need me, I’ll be dishing out some “discipline” in the back room. [heads back to the bedroom]
Josh: Have fun with that Roger.
Dan: See, he said it's fine.
Josh: Good enough for me…And where in the hell is our Guinness?
Dan: Two hours and forty-three minutes away.
Josh: I wish we were rich enough to make Ireland closer…stupid Atlantic ocean…
Dan: So here's the number of a bookie I'm told has no scruples. John Cocktoaston. Give him a call, I'm going to start my foot bath.
Josh: Okay...man...I hate making phone calls...5...5...5...hey is this a 1 or a 9?
Dan: it's two 3's.
Dan: [soaking feet in a bundt pan filled with cola] Oh, that's nice. Fizzy
Josh: Hello? Is this Mr. Cocktoaston? Well, yes you do have a feminine voice for a guy...oh....sorry...yes, can you put me through to Mr. Cockentoaster? Sure, I'll hold...[cups phone, whispers to Dan] his secretary sounds hot!
Dan: Invite her over too. Mmm... scotch. Down into my belly...
Josh: Good idea...[uncups phone] So when does your boss let you off work? Oh, hi John...no, not trying to get fresh with you...um...my bad. Why was I calling? Um...hold on...[cups phone, whispers to Dan] He's asking trick questions...you talk to him [Hands phone to Dan]
Dan: Hi, John. Pete Rose said you're the guy to call if we want to make crazy, unscrupulous bets. Perfect.... We're in the Penthouse at the Palms. We've got Guinness coming from Ireland in about two and a half hours.... Yeah, I know, service these days... Great, see you in a bit.
Josh: Wow...you knew how to handle that...I should of written it down...phones always confuse me.
Dan: It's all right, Josh. Have a fruit roll-up. Hey, while we wait, let's see what's on TV?
Josh: Um...yeah...the TV...Goodell and me threw it out the window earlier. Hey, Goodell! Why'd we throw the TV out again?
Goodell: Saw a Black hummer with a red #7 on the side! Now leave me alone!
Bambi: What are you doing with that Listerine?
Goodell: I'm paying you, don't ask questions!
Josh: That's right....too bad we missed by about 300 yards...50 inch TV are hard to throw, even with 2 guys…did manage to crush an old Celica with a “I Brake for Cats” bumper sticker…so it wasn’t a total loss.
[knock at door]
Dan: Who's there?
Cocktoaston: It's the bookie.
Josh: What’s the secret password?
Cocktoaston: I don’t need this crap, I’m leaving.
Dan: [opens door] That’s close enough for us…
Josh: Man, we need to come up with a good secret password…from now on it’s “peaches”. No one gets through that door with out saying the word…Crap, what was the word?...um...Cocktoaston, want to throw something out the window?
Dan: We've got like nine Artesian colas left. Or the curling iron.
Cocktoaston: I'll take the curling iron. And it's 3-1 odds on me hitting Pacman Jones over there. Takers?
Goodell: [Running out of the bathroom in his boxers with his pants around his ankles] 500 dollars! 500 says you can't do it! [trips on his pants, face-plants]
Josh: Goodell man, you've gotta chill out. [Helps him up] Now, let's see the money Goodell.
Goodell: I'm good for it, you know I am.
Josh: Look, my mom told me don't bet with a man whose pants are at his ankles unless you see the money. It's advice that has gotten me through a lot of rough times.
Goodell: Fine [grabs wallet out of pants that are around his ankles] Here. Now just hit that prick with the curling iron!
Cocktoaston: Here goes! [chucks iron] Direct hit! Fork it over, Rog.
Goodell: Hey, I win either way. [hands Cocktoaston $500]
Cocktoaston: [Folds money, puts it in breast pocket] I'm assuming tossing a curling iron out the window isn't why you invited me over here...what can I do for you guys?
Goodell: In the interest of plausible deniability, I'm going to leave you guys to it...Bambi's "sister" is coming over in five. Holler if you need me.
Dan: You know, I'm over here trying to make Bambi jokes and can't come up with a damn thing. Thumper? I hardly know her. Pretty sure this Bambi's already been de-Flowered.
Goodell: [From the other room] I heard that!
Dan: Bambi? What, is her mom dead? See? Not funny one bit.
Josh: Cocktoaston, I'll give you $500 to hit him in the head with that end table.
Dan: Wait! I've got one! Goodell and Bambi are twitterpated! [Dan gets tabled by Cocktoaston. Smash.] And in weather, a cold front got the save against the Yankees, winning South Carolina.
Josh: Thank you. Here's the $500. Plus an extra $20 for perfect timing
Cocktoaston: Give him a belt of the scotch and he'll be fine.
Josh: Ok [Breaks scotch bottle over Dan's head]
Cocktoaston: Well...I meant, make him drink some...but that works...
Dan: This magic moment... so different and so new...That was the Drifters, with their number one hit me over the head with a scotch bottle? What the f**k is wrong with you?!
Josh: Sorry man, we have a whole case still....not to worry, there is plenty of scotch
Dan: All right, I'm back. John, we'd like to talk free agency. What are the odds on, let's say Asante Samuel staying in New England?
Josh: Yeah, I mean, if I were to put money on it...what odds would you give us...and then how much would we have to bet to make say $10? I’ll stop talking
Cocktoaston: Yes, Josh, that is... approximately how it works. It'd be 2-1 odds, Dan.
Dan: Meh, I bet he goes elsewhere. Where do you see him ending up, Josh?
Josh: I think he goes to the Patriots, what are the odds on that?
Dan: Josh, maybe don't put down any money until you've asked me if it's smart, okay?
Josh: I need that Guinness to get here....My mind doesn't work goodly without beer in my....mouth.
Cocktoaston: For crying out loud, there's a full bar in that corner....
Dan: We don’t drink any honor bar crap…we have Guinness from Ireland coming!
Cocktoaston: Read me what this beer tap say there tough guy…
Dan: Guinness….wow….we already have Guinness! [Fills glass with Guinnes, hands it to Josh] Here you go, Josh. Stout as a Kraut.
Josh: [Josh Drains glass in one long gulp] Okay, now, let's get down to business!
Dan: Josh, putting the Guinness in Business, making Bugsinness.
Josh: Damn straight! Now, let's bet some money, throw some crap out the window, and take some more incriminating pictures of Goodell!
Dan: Sweet. Asante Samuel. I think the Jets take him to piss off the Pats. Odds on that, John?
Dan: Respectable. I'll bet $200.
Josh: I like it, I'll take some of that action as well...but lets slip in a parlay on Moss as well...what odds you got on him?
Cocktoaston: Moss and Samuel to the Jets? I'll give you 25-1 on your parlay.
Dan: I really doubt Moss goes anywhere else. I'll lay down a grand he stays in New England.
Josh: Yeah, but at 25-1 odds? If I bet 20 dollars...I could make...like a million! $20 on the parlay...and $200 on Samuel to the Jets...
Cocktoaston: its evens on Moss to New England, Dan, just so you know.
Dan: That's fine, and Josh's bet looks okay too, go ahead. Who else we got? Let's talk about Faneca, we know he's not staying in Pittsburgh.
Cocktoaston: Yeah, its 15-1 he stays put.
Dan: I'm not even taking those odds.
Dan: Don't do it, Josh, they'll never pay him.
Josh: Fine smart guy, who will?
Dan: San Francisco, that's who. They'll be in cap trouble in a few years, but Mike Nolan isn't worried about that unless he can get some better blocking. 'Cuz he'll be history.
Josh: Hmmmm.....Nah....Cocktoaston, give me odds on Faneca to the Titans. I see him lining up and blowing people off the ball in Nashiville.
Cocktoaston: Faneca to Titans, 12-1. To 49ers, 10-1.
Dan: Ooh, give me $100 on both of those.
Josh: Put me down for $500 and a keg of Guinness on the Titans
Josh: [whispers to Dan] If I win that I get 12 kegs of Guinness!
Cocktoaston: Fine, I'll take that bet...You understand that I get a keg of Guinness if you lose?
Dan: It's a good bet, stick with it, man.
Josh: Crap...hadn't thought of that...yeah...I'm gonna go for it! Do I have to roll some dice now or something?
Cocktoaston: Um...get him another Guinness.
Dan: I'm on it. Meanwhile, Josh, start thinking about what you see happening with Jared Allen.
Josh: [Dan hands Josh a Guinness, Josh drains it and motions for another] Well, you need a team that plays the 4-3...so that rules out Cleveland...
Dan: If you don't mind, I'm going to kill my scotch first, then worry about your needs. It won't be a team drafting in the top 3, because they're all thinking they might have a shot at Chris Long.
Josh: He seems like the type of guy that would do better in a smaller market...Give me odds on the Arizona Cardinals
Dan: No, Josh, that isn't twice as good as 15-1.
Josh: Damn it…I'll lay down $600 on that
Dan: I bet the Falcons try really hard to get him, but instead he goes to the Broncos for less money. What are my odds on the Broncos, John?
Dan: I'll take it, $800 please.
Josh: Wow...Jared Allen to the division rival Broncos....
Dan: [Dan pours Josh a scotch and Guinness] No honor among thieveses.
Josh: I’ll drink to that…[Josh takes Scotch-Guinness, and downs it] Wow...now that's a drink!
Dan: [knock on door] I'll get it!
[Bambi's sister, Dumbo enters.]
Dumbo: Hi, I'm here for Roger.
Dan: Roger is definitely not me. Or that guy. Or this guy.
Josh: Hey Goodell! You have company!!! [To Dumbo] First door on the right. [Dumbo enters bedroom] Dan, hook me up with another Scottish Car Bomb.
[From the bedroom]
Goodell: Holy ham on a stick!
Dumbo: Are you Roger?
Goodell: You're a big one, aren't you?
Dumbo: More of me to love.
Josh: Ah, that will keep Goodell busy for a few hours....
Dan: Man, I wish I had some good Dumbo jokes.
Josh: Alright Cocktoaston, first, if he starts in with the Dumbo jokes, hit him with that lamp
Dan: She looks like she's got elephantitis of the everything. Ow! Okay, I'll stop!
Josh: Next...give me odds on Trufant to the Lions. There's a towel near the bar to stop the bleeding...and get me another drink while you're over there
Cocktoaston: Ooh, good choice. It's only 4-1, because a lot of people are picking that one.
Josh: Okay, odds on him staying put? [Dan wraps head in towel, runs mouth under Guinness tap for a few seconds]
Josh: Hmmmm....I'll put $500 on T-dog to the Lions then.
Dan: I'll take the bet on him staying put; either he'll get tagged, or he'll stay voluntarily. $700 for me.
[hands Josh a newly poured scotch and Guinness and more scotch]
Josh: Okay, let's get down to brass tacks...there is no way I'm paying Briggs the money he wants...he's a great OLB and all, but the one thing Jerry "What's an Offense" Angelo does right is draft defensive players...what are the odds on Briggs to the Pats to replace their old LBs?
Dan: Wow, that looks pretty good, and makes a lot of sense. However, Briggs isn't the kind of guy who'll take less money to play for a winner, otherwise he wouldn't have put up such a fuss last year about playing for a defending NFC champion.
Josh: Yeah, but if they don't sign Samuel, they'll have money, and Belichick loves his LBs....
Dan: True…but I see him ending up in the NFC East; I'll say in Philly.
Cocktoaston: Bit of a long shot there, 20-1.
Dan: Sounds great, put me down for $100.
Josh: Give me $300 on the Pats.
Dan: Here's one everyone's wondering about: Michael Turner. I bet the odds on him staying put are crazy low.
Dan: I'll put 10 bucks on that just for fun. But in real life, I think he'll go to Houston. They're one of the few teams who can't seem to find a good running back out of nowhere.
Cocktoaston: That's 7-2.
Dan: Good enough, I'll put down $250.
Josh: Yeah, but that seems to "perfect", I have a feeling, Turner is going to end up some where a little wacky...give me the odds on the Lions
Cocktoaston: Oddly enough, also 7-2.
Dan: Makes sense, both spent money on free agent backs last year, stocking up, and yet neither could get anything consistent going. Just like I can't seem to get a consistent buzz going. More scotch please.
Josh: Yeah, plus, neither of them have had a good running back in the last 10 years.
Dan: [Dan throws back an entire bottle of scotch] That ought to do the trick in a few seconds. [hic]
Cocktoaston: Jesus, that was Belushi-esque.
Dan: Your face is Belushi-esque. Speaking of Larry Allen, I notice he's a free agent this year.
Josh: Wait...isn't he dead?
Cocktoaston: No, that's Steve Allen.
Dan: No, man, you're thinking of that guy who was drafted 14 years ago, who kept getting elected to Pro Bowls long after he was any good at football... oh. That is Larry Allen.
Josh: Steve is the lineman that got caught with like 400 pounds of weed in his car?
Dan: Larry Allen isn't, like, running for Senate now or something? He's still playing? What blowtard team would hire him?
Cocktoaston: He started for the 49ers last year.
Dan: And Frank Gore got stopped in the backfield once again. So, I already have the Niners taking Faneca instead, which means Allen goes elsewhere...
Josh: Hey! I'll say he goes to the Steel City! What are the odds on that?
Cocktoaston: Allen to Pittsburgh? Hasn't really come up... we'll call it 20-1.
Dan: I'm saying Kansas City. They miss having old old old people on their line.
Cocktoaston: I can't believe people are betting on where Larry Allen ends up. Um, I guess 11-2?
Dan: Why does Josh get better odds than me?
Cocktoaston: I really just make this stuff up as I go.
Josh: Actually...what odds on Allen to Miami? Seems like a good fit...they need anyone that can block...and there's lots of old people down there for him to hangout with.
Dan: Fine, put me down for $444 on Allen ending up in Kansas City. And a few Marshmallow Peeps.
Cocktoaston: Allen to Miami... 5-1.
Josh: Okay, $200 on the Miami bet, and $20 on the Steelers thing.
Dan: I’m not feeling too well…I'm going to have some water. I'll probably drink this whole bottle. Man, all that scotch was a bad idea. [Dan drinks bottle]
Cocktoaston: Um, that "water bottle" says "Absolut" on it.
Josh: Yep, Dan's reached the state of "too drunk to know he's drinking"
Dan: Oh, s**t. Roger, I'm coming in! [Dan runs into the bedroom, and, well, it's gross.]
Josh: Dan! Too late now…but the bathroom is the other door…
Goodell: Damn it Dan! What in the hell man...you had to do that in the Hot Tub?
Dan: I wanted to aim for the bigger toilet...with all the bubblies. Bubble bubble, bubbly bubbles…Hey, look, butterflies! [passes out]
Josh: Jesus...Goodell, Cocktoaston...grab an arm or something. Lets get this sack of crap on the Bed. [They lug Dan over and throw him on the bed] Ladies...er...Bambi and Thing...you should go. [Bambi gets out and runs for the door screaming. Dumbo gets out, slips on vomit, and cracks her head on the side of the hot tub.]
Goodell: Oh, no.
Josh: Hey, it wouldn't be Vegas without a dead hooker.
Goodell: What the crap should I do?
Josh: Relax, Roger...if you've been friends with Dan as long as I have, the one thing you learn how to do is dispose of dead hookers....
Cocktoaston: Everything all right over there?
Josh: Yeah, Cocktoaston, just a dead hooker….can you throw us a sheet?
Cocktoaston: Hey, it’s Vegas, a dead hooker is part of the scenery…here’s a sheet.
Josh: [Wraps Dumbo in the sheet] Okay, Goodell...grab her legs...Cocktoaston, get the door.
Goodell: We might need all three of us on this one. She's not exactly petite.
Josh: What kind of man are you?
Cocktoaston: I'm not touching her - just push her, like a wheelbarrow or something. I've got the doors.
Josh: We've got her Goodell...I've got the heavy end...lift with the legs...okay,Good...head over there...yep...okay, steady now...on the count of 3, throw her out the window.
Goodell: Ooh, can we aim for Chris Henry?
Josh: Yeah, we'll call it his offseason bonus. 1...
Goodell: for the money!
Cocktoaton: FOR THE SHOW!
Goodell: To get ready!
Josh: And 4…
Goodell: TO GO! [They heave her out the window, Goodell, Josh and Cocktoaston rush to the window]
Cocktoaston: 2 to 1 she he's that kid eating the ice cream cone.
Goodell: Nah, the wind has got her now...she's gonna hit that limo that says "NFL League Offices" on it...HEY!
Josh: Ooooooh....that's not going to come off the paint job. Man...that did not work as I planned it.
Dan: ooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh....what's happening....$300 on Rob Bironas to the Orlando Magic.
Cocktoaston: 50-1 odds on that, you're looking at a huge payoff, frankly I think you're right.
Josh: Yeah, take the bet Dan.
Dan: Sweeeet. Where's my harmonica? I wanna rock out with my...Cocktoaston? You still here?
Cocktoaston: You already placed the bet, can't take it back.
Dan: What'd I say? Magic? S**t. Bironas doesn't even play baseball.
[knock on door]
Goodell: It's the fuzz! [Goodell dives behind couch]
Voice: I have a keg of Guinness?
Dan: The Guinness is here! I'll get it! [Goes to get up and falls flat on his face]
Josh: I’ve got it, Drunky [Opens door] Ah, I'll sign for that...the fresh stuff...go ahead and put it in the bar, and take away that other keg, it's old! Oh, and have Goodell's car washed and detailed right away.
Dan: And get me a Band-aid. I need help forming my band.
Josh: Cocktoaston, hit him with the lamp again.
Dan: I'll do it myself. [hits self with lamp] I need to make a bet to make up for making a bet on Rob Bironas. I think Bironas is really for real going to go to the Falcons. One position they'll have squared away.
Josh: Yeah, if only he could play QB.
Cocktoaston: 6-1 on the Falcons.
Dan: Great, I'll bet the farm. The one I just bought. It's outside Topeka.
Josh: I'll take some Bironas to the Ravens action.
Cocktoaston: 8-1. Now, before this gets any more criminal, I have to leave.
Josh: Fine...but there is only one way you're leaving...and it's through this window!
Goodell: Whoa! Josh...Let’s think about this!
Dan: I did already! Throw him!
Josh: Man, you guys can't take a joke to save your life.
Dan: Oh. Oh, you're joking? Man.
Josh: This guy is worth 12 kegs of Guinness, there is no way I'm throwing him out the window.
Dan: Pour me a Business, Josh; I think I'm okay to drunk again.
Goodell: Can we throw Dan out the window?
Dan: That's okay, I can fly.
Cocktoaston: Yeah, I would second that.
Josh: Nah...just knock him over the head again so he can sleep it off.
Dan: Can you use the clock this time? I always wanted to get clocked by a clock.
Cocktoaston: [Pick up Clock] Good night! [Slams it over Dan's head]
Dan: Good night America....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Josh: Look at the little guy...see how his leg twitches like that...he's chasing a car in his dream...
Dan: zzzzzzz...I'm not little, I'm big boned....zzzzzzzzz
Goodell: You two up for hitting the Buffets and the blackjack tables?
Josh: Yeah, that sounds like a plan.
Cocktoaston: Ah, what the heck.
Goodell: Alright let me go find my pants, and we'll head out. [Goodell walks off to find pants]
Josh: [To Cocktoaston] Ooooh man, I just got a great idea…let’s lock Goodell in the bedroom and call the cops! Roger will think it’s a scream, and if Dan ever wakes up he’ll laugh till his toes hurt.
Cocktoaston: I do love a good practical joke…
Josh and Cocktoaston: Brilliant! [They lock the door on Goodell]
Goodell: Hey! You guys, come on, let me out! What the hell! Come on, my treat on the buffet! Come on guys! Let me out! Not cool!
Josh: We'll be right back Roger, got a surprise for you...
On the next CSI: A dead hooker, plus several dead bodies surrounded by broken bottles of Artesian cola. Could there be a connection? Find out Thursday on CSI.
No Dan’s were hurt during the filming of this blog. The makers of this blog accept no responsibility for anyone attempting any of the activities portrayed here…and we would like to stress that participating in any internet scams is against the law.
But pyramid schemes on the other hand….BRILLIANT!!