FanNation - The Republic of Sport

Before you immerse yourself in movie madness, I have to go on record with my theory that The Rock’s character in “The Game Plan will be Tom Brady’s in 5 years and hopefully T'wolves, Nets, Suns and Knicks fans everywhere can come to a compromise that “Good Luck Chuck” was inspired by Stephon Marbury’s cancerous decade of traversing through the League's bottomfeeders. 

While the NBA prepares to present its biggest spectacle I've decided to unveil my team by team NBA motion picture comparisons.  You'll notice the worst teams are given analogies to either comedies or horror films for obvious reasons.  Teams with zero stars have been deemed unwatchable as the result of harmful content and grotesque fundamentals.  One star teams are only viewable by fans 18 and two star teams require parental supervision to watch.  Meanwhile six star teams are PBS educationally required viewing for basketball lovers of all races, ages, and religions.  If you feel like you have any better comparisons for other teams just opine in the comment box. 

But before, we get started how could I write an NBA article without mentioning the league's wonderful commissioner, David Stern.  Though he does not play for a team, can we assume that by instituting the age minimum requiring potential draftees to attend college for at least one season, he is the basketball equivalent of Danny Devito's Renaissance Man? In other words, a short but chubby outsider enters, who earns the respect of his constituents and in the process takes up the task of raising the league's collective I.Q. in the face of fierce opposition.  Players call your makeup artists, get in position and... Lights, Camera, Action! 

Miami Heat- Cloverfield: ******

What do Shaquille O'Neal and Cloverfield have in common? Despite their top billings as the main attractions neither gets plenty of screen time. Injuries to Shaq have limited him to 32 games while Cloverfield’s creative hand held camera idea limits the monster to a few seconds of low resolution frames and none in their widespread ad campaign.

Cloverfield was billed as the year’s most highly anticipated film, however, the cast consists of a slew of obscure actors, without a major role on their resume. While the mystery surrounding the colossal monster terrorizing New York City was a quaint novelty in the ad campaign, the plot is tangled, falls short of the lofty hype, and overall monster movies have become an arcane genre for today’s audiences. However, because J.J. Abram who is also one of the creative minds behind LOST and  ALIAS was responsible for the project, it generated plenty of revenue and interest.

In contrast, Shaq throws his weight around South Beach terrorizing opponents and fast food restaurants.  However, excluding Dwayne Wade, the supporting cast delivers minimal production and lacks cohesion.  Similar to the clout JJ Abrams holds among audiences, Pat Riley’s 6 championship rings gave nostalgic fans realistic hopes of Riley's salvaging this disastrous season. In addition, Shaq's not even the best center in Florida anymore, while Cloverfield might not have been the most intimidating monster flick to terrorize New York.

I'm glad Heat President and Coach Pat Riley borrowed a line from JJ Abrams and blew this roster up. For the inevitable sequel, Cloverfield could spring for a few marquee actors to supplement their main attraction and the Heat would be wise to rid themselves of their creaky role players for a fewer younger more, savvy, athletic contributors in the place of Alonzo Mourning, Jason Williams, and Mark Blount, whose been Shaq's official ballboy since the pre-title Laker days. I give it 6 stars despite the disappointment because quite frankly, people can't resist watching disasters unfold.

Boston Celtics- The Bucket List: ******

The Bucket List is a film starring A-list dinosaur icons Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson as two terminally ill men, who’s bodies have left them with just months to live. In response, they decide off a whim to fulfill their personal desires before the light dims permanently from their eyes. Ironically, the Celtics are a team highlighted by their recently acquired, highly celebrated trio of aging NBA lexicons, The trio known as the Boston 3Party must cooperate to witness something truly majestic and reach their elusive championship aspirations before the light fades on the prime of their careers and the youthful spring abandons their legs.

The interesting thing about this team will be how long they can keep up this level of play.  I've got my money on K.G. simply because he seems like he has enough juice in the tank to become one of those 80 year old triathletes with enough energy to put Viagra to shame, while Ray Allen's surgically rebuilt ankles more fragile than my grandmother after a hiking trip.

Los Angeles Lakers- I am Legend: ******

To quote the film's most definitive line, “God didn’t do this to us, Kobe did.” This film chronicling the last man on Earth's frantic search for a cure for the disease which has ravaged the human race reflects Kobe Bryant’s
stubborn solo mission to cure the Laker’s winning woes on his own after the trade of his "big brother", Shaquille O'Neal.

Despite his best efforts, the tide did not turn until he recognized he was not the only professional basketball player left in the Staples Center as Will Smith simultaneously discovered he was not the last man alive.  For the first hour of the film Smith delivers the only lines while Kobe usually spent the first half delivering the only baskets for the Lakers franchise.

Dallas Mavericks- 300: ******

As the Spartans gather a miniscule army of 300 to repel a numerically superior enemy, they embark on what is likely their last mission against a vastly increasing army of nations.  In their pursuit of Jason Kidd, the Mavs are only attempting to keep pace with the increasing strength in the Western Conference.  Just as King Leonidis gathers men who have sired male children, the Mavs have attempted to assemble a roster of aging All-Stars without championship rings. 

In addition, when Devin Harris was placed on the trading block, I couldn't help but liken it to Leonidis sending Dilios back to use his rhetorical skills and tell the story of the 300 to the Spartan people, ensuring that they be remembered.

Phoenix Suns- Jumper: ******
When David Rice discovers he can “Jump” – teleport to anywhere on the planet which he's previously visited or visualized from a photograph. Using his ability he leaves his childhood home behind and sets himself up in New York City, and using his consequence free abilities for personal gain.  This all changes when he meets Roland Cox, part of a shadowy organization that has been trying to track David down. Roland uses a variety of advanced technologies to inhibit David’s ability to Jump while trying to kill him. 

The Suns are a team blessed with the rare divine ability to seemingly transport anywhere on the floor and get to the hoop at will.  Over the last 4 years the Suns' have lived consequence free life on offense while shirking their defensive responsibilities and using their offense to compile inflated statistics.   However, their hopes of coasting to a title have constantly been derailed by teams using a variety of physical defenses to inhibit Steve Nash, Amare Stoudemire and the Suns' offense and eliminating them from the playoffs.  As Rachel Bison's character, Millie sparks a change in David's corrupt, selfish ways, the Suns are hoping a relationship with Shaquille O'Neal will result in a more balanced interior defensive game plan.  Ironically negative critics have panned actor Hayden Christennsen as half man/half tree while NBA scouts who soured on the O'Neal trade have likened Shaq's decreasing mobility with that of a tree.

As Shaq puts it, Penny is Fredo, who was never ready for me to hand it over to him.  Kobe was Sonny, who will do whatever it takes to be the man and Wade was Michael who the Godfather hands it over to, is Shaq's journey to Phoenix the equivalent of Godfather III, the film that everyone regrets being made and is universally regarded as a mistake?

Golden State Warriors- Serendipity: *****
 
"Can once in a lifetime happen twice?"

That was the tagline for a 2001 romantic comedy film based on two Christmas shoppers named Jonathan and Sarah who meet and quickly develop a mutual attraction.  When the smitten Jonathan suggests an exchange of phone numbers, Sara balks and proposes an idea that will allow fate to take control of their future. If they are meant to be together, she tells him, they will find their way back into one another's life.

In the early 90's, the Warriors strung together a series of winning season thanks in large part to their explosive Run TMC trio (Tim Hardaway, Chris Mullin, and Mitch Richmond) and their innovative NellieBall offense. 14 years later, Don Nelson is in his 2nd season since returning to the Bay City with the same quirky small ball lineup.  This reincarnation is led by guards Monta Ellis, Baron Davis in addition to troubled guard Stephen Jackson delivering the negative off and oncourt headlines Latrell Sprewell once provided.

 After somehow mending his estranged relationship with Don Nelson and the Warriors' organization he spurned over a decade ago, fate has brought Chris Webber back into a Golden State uniform. Meanwhile, Chris Mullin has played a different role as the Wizard of Oz behind the scenes by pulling the strings on a multitude of trades which have molded this team, including the trade of shooting guard Jason Richardson for Brandan Wright, which resembles to the pivotal trade of Mitch Richmond a decade and a half ago for an unproven draft pick.

Houston Rockets- Rush Hour 3: *****

In the past decade whenever Chris Tucker gets out to make a motion picture… Tracy McGrady manages to stay healthy for about as long. In the third installment of the Rush Hour trilogy, Detective Carter gets demoted to lowly traffic cop. Plagued by injury, life has imitated art for Tracy McGrady, who has been demoted to 2nd option as his scoring average(22 ppg) has dipped to it's lowest since 1999-2000 his final season as a Toronto Raptor. (Despite playing in Rick Adelman's more high octane offense.)

Even though cultural icons Yao Ming and Jackie Chan have drastically improved their raw English it's not that difficult to envision Yao Ming down court with Tracy McGrady leading the fast break and 10,000 raucous fans in their ears for confusion to reign.

Yao: Tracy, throw me the ball!
T-Mac: What?!
Yao: I'm open!
Yao: Stop foolin' around under the basket, I'm tryin to score!
Yao: This season, I Michael, you Toto! Throw me the ball!
T-Mac: You mean Pippen! Toto's what we ate last night!!! Here shoot it!(T-Mac passes, turns it over to Milwaukee)
Yao: Why you do that! That not me! That's Yi Jianlian!
T-Mac: Damn! All y'all look like!

A team that was supposed to contend for a championship has been disappointing of late but if McGrady gets off the injury list and start scoring at a quicker pace, they could be exciting to watch.

New Orleans Hornets- Beowulf: *****
Hornets point guard Chris Paul has taken up the task along with a roster of talented men with their own strengths(Peja Stojakavic-three point specialist, David West- inside presence, Tyson Chandler- rebounding, Julian Wright, versatile forward, Bobby Jackson- allows Paul to rest without the offense tailing off)   to conquer the Western Conference giants and return pride to the city of New Orleans. 

Orlando Magic- The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep: *****

The Waterhorse centers around a young boy who discovers a mysterious egg and cares for what hatches of it: a 'water horse' that becomes the fabled Loch Ness Monster. For the past 4 years the Magic have been nurturing the development of a teenage phenom into physical specimen of their own in 6-11 center Dwight Howard. The Waterhorse which was lauded for it's special effects compares favorably to Dwight Howard because of his computer generated gravity defying dunks and Magic fans are hoping he'll continue his growth into a hardcourt legend.

Just like the Waterhorse, your thinking this film looks cute and cuddly until the town is calling town hall meetings after humble giant grows so large you not only can't hide him from the neighbors but he's ruining everyone's yard and shattering every backboard in the nation with rim rocking dunks.  It would have been way too easy to label this team The Adventures of Superman...

Detroit Pistons- Rocky Balboa: ****

The Pistons are a collection of tough blue collar former NBA champions poised to toss their hats into the ring for one more shot at glory before calcium deposits brittle their bones and softens their stiff defense.  While life after Adrian's death was difficult for Rocky Balboa, the Post-Ben Wallace era hasn't been so easy for Detroit without their heart and soul defensive anchor.

Denver Nuggets- Leatherheads: *****

A romantic comedy set against the backdrop of America's nascent pro-football league in 1925, George Clooney plays Dodge Connally, a charming brash football hero who is determined to guide his struggling team from bar brawls to packed stadiums. With the team and league in disarray Dodge convinces a college football star with blinding speed to join his ragtag ranks hoping to finally capture the nation's attention. As the two men join forces to resurrect the team, they must balance their desire to win with their selfish battle for the heart of reporter Lexie Littleton.

One year ago, the Nuggets were a disheveled team in dire need of an image boost from infamous court brawlers to championship contenders. Following the crippling suspension which claimed 15 games of Carmelo Anthony's season, the team was in shambles until they managed to sneak into the Allen Iverson sweepstakes and snatch up the tiny scoring wiz. Now as the NBA's best scoring duo guides the team into title contention, they must also balance their desire to win with their love for scoring and attaining the higher scoring average.

San Antonio Spurs- Terminator: **** The pure, stoic efficiency with which Tim Duncan operates and eradicates all human opposition on the hardwood for the past decade has been incredibly Schwarzennegger machine like.  Head coach Greg Popovich has been the omnipotent Skynet overseer of the Spurs while the remainder of the oppressed NBA society have worked together this season conducting secret underground movements and trades(Ray Allen & Garnett to Boston, Pau Gasol to L.A., Jason Kidd to Dallas, Shaq to Pheonix, Bibby to Hawks?) in desperate hopes of ending their rule.  However, he could infuse more emotion into his acting as it often appears that he couldn't care less about accomplishing his objective. 

Utah Jazz- Deja Vu: ****

Cleveland Cavaliers- The Matrix: ****

In the year 2007 the Eastern Conference was fighting a losing battle against the Detroit Pistons for conference domination. As Lebron James led the city of Cleveland successfully in the uprising against the juggernaut, Pistons it became incontrovertible that Lebron was "The One". Head coach Mike Brown bears a striking semblance to Morpheus and Carlos Boozer’s blind betrayal is reminiscent of Cypher from the first installation of the trilogy(plus his mustache looks like something out of a future apocalyptic world).

Atlanta Hawks- Identity ***

"There is a moment of extraordinary coincidence when strangers share a connection" 

The film tells two stories. Eleven strangers, after a series of accidents, find themselves stranded at the same motel during a rainstorm. When they start suffering increasingly horrible deaths, they realize they each have an odd connection. Elsewhere, at an emergency midnight meeting, a doctor attempts to convince a judge that a condemned serial killer about to go to his death is, in fact, insane and cannot be held accountable for his actions. The convergence of these two stories marks an unusual plot twist.

Twelve players with no other resort are forced to spend a portion of their careers for the Atlanta Hawks after a stroke of bad luck one night or another.  In the last 4 years the Hawks have drafted and traded for a bevy of forwards(Joe Johnson, Josh Childress, Josh Smith, Marvin Williams, Al Horford, Shelden Williams, Al Harrington) with the same skill set who find themselves stranded during home games inside the barren walls of Phillip Arena, where they begin suffering increasingly disheartening blowout losses.  Elsewhere in the front office, fans have attempted to convince ownership that their incompetent executive vice president, Billy Knight, is in fact insane and should be held accountable for the intolerable act of passing up Luol Deng, Al Jefferson and most notably Deron Williams, Chris Paul and Brandon Roy.  Not until Knight held a grip onto reality did he realize the error of his ways by drafting Acie Law, and trading Shelden Williams for star point guard Mike Bibby.

Portland Trailblazers- Space Jam: ***
In the live action/animated film the scrawny Nerdlucks challenge the Looney Tunes to a game of basketball believing it will be an easy victory because of their diminutive size. However, the Nerdlucks use their strange powers to steal the talent of five NBA stars and transform themselves into the surprisingly uber-talented and athletic MonSTARs.

Coming into this season, the consensus was that teams would waltz right over the Blazer's sans Greg Oden and Zach Randolph. The Trailblazers don't have a bona fide superstar in the stratosphere of Lebron James or Kobe Bryant nor are they but they're rapid improvement must have some mystical explanation and with that rationale, the Blazer's are the NBA's Monstars. Traces of Walt Frazier's versatility are evident in the cartoonish Brandon Roy and LaMarcus Aldridge's comparisons to a self medicated, chemically balanced version of former Blazer Rasheed Wallace are inescapable.

Chicago Bulls- The Poseidon Adventure: ***
The film centers on the SS Poseidon, a luxury liner, in the midst of a transatlantic crossing, which capsizes after a giant wave strikes the ship and the survival attempt of Hollywood's most anonymous B and C-list actors.

The Chicago Bulls seemed to have withstood a tidal wave of Kobe Bryant trade rumors involving nearly every player in the rotation. However, as midway point nears, the franchise's once lofty hopes for the season have violently capsized and flipped their season upside down. The Bulls' first half disaster has already claimed the head coach, Scott Skiles' job and threatens the stability of their entire roster composed of the NBA's best collegiate Final Four heroes.

TorontoRaptors- Heartbreak Kid: ***
Eddie the owner of a sports shop, was single and indecisive about relationships until he rushes to marriage, believing he's just gotten hitched to the perfect woman. On his honeymoon, Eddie begins to fall in love with another vacationeer south of the border as the illusion of his perfect new wife begins to unravel before his eyes.

Meanwhile, north of the border, the Raptors believed they'd gotten hitched to the perfect franchise forward for the next decade and a half after selecting small forward Andrea Bargnani first overall from one of the weakest NBA draft pools in recent memory. In his first season, Bargnani displayed flashes of potential brilliance en route to averaging 11.6 points and, 4 rebounds per contest as the Raptors clinched a playoff berth. Unfortunately, two years into his brief career, those numbers have been his career high while Coach Sam Mitchell(and on All-Star Weekend so will the nation) has now fallen in love with pogo stick forward Jamario Moon.

As the honeymoon period's deadline looms for Bargnani and the Raptors, a marked improvement on his 8.6 points and 3.4 rebounds per game will be required or a messy, disappointing divorce could be imminent. Another injury to porcelain point guard T.J. Ford has swung open the gates for a love affair with hinge All-Star Jose Calderon and a likely quarterback controversy in 2008(spring or fall, depending on Ford's recovery). With a simple script to follow will the Raptors mend their rocky relationships with T.J. Ford and Bargnani or will they start anew with Moon and Calderon?

New Jersey Nets- Shawshank Redemption: ***
Since this season, began it seems as if everyone has been planning their escape. While it took Andy Dufresne 20 years to scratch at a wall, Jason Kidd and the Nets front office have been scratching each others eyes out for about four months. While Dufresne dug a hole in a wall for 20 years digging and Jason Kidd has been planting his seeds of escape for almost a year. Even newly Jersey confined Vince Carter ( I guess that would make him Morgan Freeman's character, Red) has even been openly discussed in trade whispers with the disorganized Knicks penal system. That's just the way the NBA operates in this era. You either get busy winnin' or get busy tradin'.

Jason Kidd's simple escape plan, which was hatched at the 11th hour, has evolved into an emotional melodrama  with a ticking clock. The awkward tension between the Nets and the Mavs if Jason Kidd remains a Net on March 8th could register on the Richter Scale.

Washington Wizards- Man on Fire: ***

Caron Butler and the Washington Wizards are a team on a mission playing for the honor of injured leader Gilbert Arenas' honor.  Similar to spending half the movie wondering if Creasy won't ever see Pita again, it is also unknown whether Gilbert who is a free agent this off-season will ever suit up for the Wizards again.

Sacramento Kings- I Think I Love My Wife: **
Richard Cooper is a married family man, professionally successful, with a lovely and two young children with one problem-- he finds his life boring. Kings forward Ron Artest is also a happily married man and an NBA All-Star, however, his wife might think he's a little off, his starting point guard hasn't played this season and the team is mired in a losing streak.

During those dull days at the office, Richard Cooper occasionally fantasizes about other women, but never acts upon the rather harmless impulses. Ironically, during the dull points of the season, Ron Artest's mind tends to wander, he espouses his admiration for higher profile teams such as the New York Knicks and fantasizes about playing for Isiah Thomas and retiring to pursue his fledging rap career only to quickly retreat from his comments once the press gets wind of his whimsical thoughts. To borrow one of Chris Rock's axioms as it relates to Ron Ron' "No matter how hard you try to look the other way, temptation is always staring you in the face". The Kings "think they love their point guard" too as they've come close to trading him on multiple occasions in the off season, only to stay faithful with potential deals on the table.  

The climax of this team's drama will probably build up around the trade deadline but if they disappoint, it's still a bad team with and especially without Artest and Mike Bibby, who the Kings have had been shopping. You'd think a nucleus of Artest, John Salmons, Brad Miller, Kevin Martin and Coach Reggie Theus would give us some sort of reason to watch. There's no talent waiting in the wings and their trade bait expires after the All-Star break while they toil in the battle for lottery positioning. If they lose Ron Artest then the volatile factor all but vanishes.

Charlotte Bobcats- REBOUND: **

Coach Roy McCormick (Lawrence) was once college basketball's top mastermind. His attention began to turn on what endorsements he could secure instead of actually coaching his team. McCormick waits for a coaching position, yet nobody calls. Eventually he receives only one offer: the Mount Vernon Junior High School is looking for somebody to coach their basketball team, the Smelters.

Michael Jordan was once the NBA's most electrifying player. After retiring and becoming the head of basketball operations for the Washington Wizards, his attention began shifting to a return to the court. After an unsuccessful two year stint in uniform, Jordan was abruptly dismissed from the Wizards' front office. For 3 years, Jordan waited for an opportunity to get back into basketball by buying his own franchise, unfortunately nobody sold. Eventually, Jordan compromised after receiving one offer as the mythical "Managing Member of Basketball Operations" for the Charlotte Bobcats, the newest addition to the junior varsity conference.

Seattle Supersonics- Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone: **
Similar to the young Hogwarts wizard, Kevin Durant's freshman season away from home launched him into celebrity status as the boy  destined to rival He-Who Must No-Be-Named, Lebron James and and challenge the authority of Kobe Bryant, the reigning Minister of Basketball. However, if you were to ask devastated North westerners they'd probably like to compare the Supersonic's arduous season with Max Keeble's Big Move, and keep their beloved franchise in the heart of Starbucks territory rather than a gimmick for the aptly named fast food restaurant chain, Sonic based in Oklahoma City.  

Minnesota Timberwolves- I Know What You Did Last Summer: *
On their way home after a long night, six drunken friends accidentally hit and kill a fisherman. The guilt still permeates through their lives as each one fails in their post-high school endeavors until one year later, the man they thought was dead begins killing in vengeance.

Last summer the Timberwolves and an obviously inebriated Kevin McHale committed an egregious crime and an infamous Oops! upside the head of their own by trading former League MVP Kevin Garnett to Boston for a sack of potential and effectively setting themselves up for murder in 2008 and beyond. Now as the T'Wolves season has sunk further into the drain and up the lottery, Garnett has taken up the task of butchering the entire league in retribution for his decade of abuse in the Twin City. Conversly, when the T'Wolves fans and players look at the teams on their schedule they usually foreshadow a gruesome killing ahead.

If this 90's horror flick taught us anything it's that if you drink and drive with friends, commit vehicular homicide, and dump him in a shallow river make sure he's dead or just bring a designated driver.  Conversely, Kevin McHale's trade taught GM's that if you are going to drink and trade your franchise's marquee player with former teammates bring your designated assistant general manager.

L.A. Clippers- Groundhog Day: *
In the film, Murray plays Phil Connors, a Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania TV weatherman who, during a hated assignment covering the annual Groundhog Day event in Punxsutawney, finds himself repeating the same day over and over again.

Meanwhile, the Los Angeles Clippers have been living the same disastrous season over and over. No matter what this team does via free agency, or trades, every season is exactly the same. Every off-season, is filled with hopeless optimism for the next campaign only to relive the horrible nightmare from the season before. Every year for this perpetually rebuilding franchise is either marred by a grotesque injury to their young talent(ex: Shaun Livingston; I refuse to watch the video), season ending injuries to their veteran All-Stars(Elton Brand) or wasted lottery picks(Michael Olawakandi, Darius Miles, Chris Wilcox, Yaroslav Kralev and barely picked received a spark from Lorenzon Wright in the explosive 96 draft, etc.). 

Many beat writers covering the Clippers often find themselves experiencing a similar anomaly. 

New York Knicks- Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins: *

Martin Lawrence stars as wealthy talk-show sensation Dr. RJ Stevens, who has shirked his simple Southern past and the awkward boy he used to be to dispense “you can do it” advice to millions of adoring fans.  However, when he comes home for their 50th wedding anniversary, intent on impressing his family with how much he's changed and that he's not the walking disaster he used to be. At least that's the plan.  But as his crazy, lovable family reminds RJ of the kid he once was and the egotistical adult he has become, this superstar will take a hard look at the life he is living.  

Stephon Marbury left the Bronx 13 years ago to make himself a superstar at the NBA level.  Although he has yet to attain a championship or even advance to the second round, Marbury had transformed himself into an NBA and sneaker icon with millions of adoring fans and millions of dollars to match.  However, when the moribund hometown Knicks acquired his services four years ago Stephon returned intent on rejuvenating the moribund franchise and adding to his New York legacy. At least that was the plan...  As mismanagement, a few losing seasons in a row, and a crazy, but vocal fan base and media have reared their ugly faces, Marbury must come to the realization that he remains the egotistical,  walking disaster he has always been, and will have to take a hard look at the life he is living.

Indiana Pacers- The Mist: 0

After a violent storm attacks a town in Maine, an approaching cloud of mist appears the next morning. As the mist quickly envelops the area, a group of people get trapped in a local grocery store -among them, artist David Drayton and his five-year-old son. The people soon discover that within the mist lives numerous species of horrific, unworldly creatures that entered through an inter-dimensional rift, which may or may not have been caused by a nearby military project. As the world around them manifests into a literal hell-on-earth, the horrified citizens try desperately to survive this apocalyptic disaster.

After a violent brawl in Detroit decimated the Pacers image as a team, management made an obvious decision to start from scratch.  The Indiana Pacers are a team assembled around forward Jermaine O'Neal who has been trapped inside Conseco Fieldhouse as the team around him crumbles into mediocrity as the result of a comprehensive purge and rebuilding project.  As the team around him regresses into Eastern Conference punching bags, the remaining Pacers from their recent glory days try desperately to survive this hell-on-hardwood season.  Trapped in a losing situation, it seems nobody including Larry Bird knows the way to salvation.

However, upon further review…  Indiana Pacers- Multiplicity:

In the movie Keaton's character, Doug Kinney, is a stressed-out family man who meets up with a scientist who has developed a successful means for cloning humans. The scientist allows Doug to make 3 clones of himself that can take over for him at work, while he tries to spend some quality time with his family.  After a series of wacky adventures, nearly ruining Doug’s life, and costing him his job the three clones leave and set up a pizza shop called "Three Men from Nowhere". There "Two" becomes the business man of the shop, "Three" is the chef and "Four" is unfortunately the delivery boy.

In reality, Larry Bird is a retired NBA Hall of Famer who finds his time stretched to the limit trying to rebuild his failing NBA franchise as president of basketball operations and spending some quality time out on the golf course with Michael Jordan.  Unfortunately for Larry Bird, unlike the movies, cloning is banned in the United States and as a public figure we’d all notice a clan of Larry Bird clones suiting up for the Pacers as head coach, GM and star player. 

So he’s done the next best thing by assembling a lineup that consists of Jeff Foster, Troy Murphy, Mike Dunleavy and Travis Diener, who fit the mold of Larry Bird in his heyday.  Caucasian, sedentary, stationary shooting forwards(with the exception of Diener) with a propensity for chucking up three’s and height to gather in those inevitably long offensive rebounds…  If the trade rumors are true, Mike Miller, the most blatant Larry Bird imitation to date(besides Adam Morrison) could be joining in their devious scheme. 

Not to mention that his hiring of an Irish head coach, Jim Obrien whose Boston Celtics teams(hmmm…) in the early part of the decade regularly led the league in 3 point attempts.  In the film, when Doug procedes to make copies of the copies none are as sharp as the original.  Well, in the Pacers’ predicament, each Larry Bird copy shares the same malediction as the multitude of Next Jordan’s that have risen erupted in the last 15 years and aren’t nearly as talented in every aspect of the game as the original. In the end most fans foresee a similar outcome for this experiment in which a few wacky losing seasons nearly ruin Larry Bird’s team, cost him his job and sanity until they leave via either free agency or trades.

Memphis Grizzlies- Lord of the Flies(1990): 0
The Lord of the Flies tells the story of young school boys, ages 6 to 12 from different backgrounds stranded alone on an island without adult guidance struggling to survive the harsh wilderness. However, as time progresses life on the island begins to deteriorate becomes more and more disorganized, and descends in to chaos.

Meanwhile, the Memphis Grizzlies are an agglomeration of boys, by NBA standards, struggling to survive in the brutal Western Conference landscape without veteran leadership.  
The bulk of their contributing roster are an assortment of rookies(Javaris Crittenton, Mike Conley, Juan Carlos Navarro, rookie head coach Marc Iavaroni), guys in their 2^nd (Rudy Gay, Kyle Lowery) and 3^rd year of experience(Hakim Warrick) or insecure big men with low self esteem who never attended college(Darko Milicic and Kwame Brown).  As the season has entered the latter stages and the Grizzlies begin to position themselves in the lottery by decimating their roster, the franchise is descending into a similar hopeless, gloomy, chaotic and disorganized losing mindset which marred the first few years of their abrupt existence.  Just as the children accidentally kill "Piggie" in the movie, don't be surprised if they turn on Kwame Brown during a timeout, decide he's expendable and end his misery at halftime. 

Philadelphia 76ers-  Forgetting Sarah Marshall: 0
Struggling musician Peter Bretter has spent six years idolizing his girlfriend, television star Sarah Marshall. He's the guy left holding her purse in paparazzi photos and accidentally omitted from acceptance award speeches. But his world is rocked when she dumps him, Peter finds himself alone and not having Sarah ruins slowly ruins his life as his ex enters a high profile relationship with hip new British-rocker boyfriend, Aldous.

Likewise, for years, Allen Iverson's 76ers teammates watched in awe idolizing him-- during games. They were the guys left holding their jocks while A.I. scored all the points, dished the assists and racked up all the awards. But the franchises' mediocre existence is rocked when the team parted ways with their transcendent supernova guard as GM Billy King finds himself in the unemployment line, and the the team slumps to new lows. Slowly, 76ers fans have realized not having A.I has made their team irrelevant as well as ruined their lives while Iverson has flourished in Denver alongside his hip All-Star teammate, Carmelo.

 And don't forget to check back here every few days like Pac-Man's parole officer, because I stay busy and keep the good stuff coming.  To be continued...