This week takes Dan and Josh to Phoenix, to the site of the NFL Competition Committee meetings, where they have been asked to host a panel of fans that have been asked to offer up rules changes to the league.
[scene] The conference room of a Phoenix hotel. Chandeliers, fancy carpets, the works. There is a cooler with bottled water and sodas. Dan and Josh enter.
Dan: Show me to the booze. Booze? Here, booze!
Josh: I think the best we can hope for is grape juice...maybe if we leave it out for awhile; it will turn into wine....
Dan: No booze? Aw, man, this is gonna be hell.
Josh: Hotel Conference room? Check. Phoenix? Check. No Booze? Check. Bunch of whiny pseudo fans? Check....yep, this is hell.
Dan: This place seems familiar... like something out of one of Vince Young's dreams.
Josh: I'm getting that sense of déjà vu all over again as well...
Dan: I can't believe they made us co-chairs of this committee... can we really be the most qualified? I mean, I could run every team in the NFL better than the current ownership, but I don't have any actual experience.
Josh: Well, we're not the actual Chairs of the committee Dan, we're chairs of the "Fan's Competition Committee". It's a trail program the NFL is trying to see if they can get some good feedback from Joe Fan out there.
Dan: Well so much for growing out this Jeff Fisher mustache.
Ah, sounds like someone's coming.
Josh: Shhhhh....if we're really quiet maybe they'll just walk passed....
[scene] A young man enters, probably about 21. He wears a baseball cap backwards, hasn't shaved in two days, and wears two polo shirts, with both collars popped, and his jeans have pre-manufactured holes in various places.
Who are you?
Chaz: 'Sup, fellas? Name's Chad Warrington, but people call me Chaz.
Dan: Can I help you find where you’re supposed to be?
Chaz: This is the conference room for the Fan Committee Rules Committee Whatever thing, right?
Dan: Yes, this is the FCRCW.
Josh: Cost is $20 to get in, here's a plastic cup with your name on it.
Chaz: Sweet. Point me to the--
Dan: There's no booze.
Chaz: Well, give my $20 back!
Josh: Sorry man, you only paid for the cup, which is what you got
Dan: It wasn't a 20, it was a 100.
Chaz: Oh, well, in that case, ha ha suckaz.
Dan: So you're a football fan, huh?
Chaz: Oh, yeah, huge fan.
Dan: What's your favorite team?
Chaz: The Giants, man.
Dan: Oh, so you must have been really happy about the Super Bowl.
Chaz: Actually, I was rooting for the Pats. The Giants only became my favorite team the next day.
Josh: Ah, so you're a raisin cake...got it...
Chaz: Dude, I'm allergic to Raisins.
Dan: So who's your favorite player?
Josh: Wait, let me guess at this one....Peyton Manning.
Chaz: How’d you guess? It’s really a tie between Peyton and Adrian Peterson. It's like every time that guy touches the ball it's a touchdown.
Josh: Yeah, it's a bummer about Peterson's injuries, hope he can stay healthy.
Chaz: Yeah, but injuries are what caused the Vikes to trade him to the Bears, so that will be good for him long haul.
[scene] Door opens.
Dan: Oh, thank God, someone else is here.
[scene] A small spiky blonde haired guy, wearing a Willie Parker jersey, and carrying a notebook crammed with printed out spreadsheets walks up.
Josh: Chaz, why don't you go ahead and take a seat. [Turns to newcomer] And you are?
Joel: Oh, hi, I'm Joel, Joel Yakowitz. I'm here for the FCRCW.
Dan: How the hell did that acronym get around so fast?
Joel: Found it on a message board discussion about whether you should pick a WR or a RB in the 10th round.
Josh: The NFL draft doesn't last 10 rounds.
Joel: Are you in some kind of 5 player fantasy league? Never played in one of those...how do you get in? You got an opening in your league? I got a buddy who could fill a spot as well, if you need another guy.
Dan: Hey Joel, we're in real life now, this isn't a fantasy.
Josh: Yes, it is. This is just a blog we're writing, none of it is actually happening.
Dan: Don't break the fourth wall, Josh.
Joel: I can't wait to get started, you guys. This is really going to give me an edge in my keeper league.
Josh: Yep...huge edge in the keeper league...why don't you wander over and introduce yourself to Chaz over there...
Joel: Oh cool, he's in this league as well? I'll go get a sense of him, see if I can figure out how he's going to draft.
Josh: [quietly to Dan] Um...where did the NFL get these guys?
Dan: Hey Joel, quick question before you head over there. Do you know who any of the following people are? Ty Warren, Nnamdi Asomugha, Takeo Spikes, and DeMeco Ryans.
Joel: Were they on Scrubs? I love that show.
Dan: Josh, I have no idea what the NFL is thinking right now. Should we be insulted that we're part of this group?
[scene] Door opens.
Carmen: Hi, y'all! Who's ready to make some rule changes? Woo!
Dan: [Josh and Dan turn to see a woman who looks to be at least 35, but she's trying to look 22. She has dyed blonde hair, heels, and considerable cleavage.]
Carmen: I'm Carmen San Quentin, who are you guys?
Josh: [To Dan] I call dibs on this one.
Dan: As long as I don't get stuck with that one.
[Dan gestures to an acne-ridden face peering in the door]
Percy: Hi. Is this the Fan's Rules Committee?
Percy: Great. I'm Percy Sludge.
Josh: [Ignoring Percy completely] So Carmen, you come here often?
Dan: How old are you?
Dan: I wasn't talking to you.
Percy: I'm fifteen.
Josh: I wasn't talking to you.
Dan: How the frick are they letting fifteen-year-olds in here? Not that high schoolers can't talk football with the best of them. It's just... most of them can't. No offense, Percy.
Percy: No, you're probably right.
Dan: All right, I think we're just waiting for one more...
Josh: Okay, Purse, do you mind if I call you Purse? No, great...before Emmitt Smith broke the record, who had the most career rushing yards?
Percy: That's easy, Barry Sanders.
Dan: [Door opens, slamming against wall. Large man in his late 40’s, with Bears hat and Bears sweater covering his swelling gut barges into the room]
Bears Fan: It's Walter Freaking Payton, ya idiot.
[Bears Fan storms right up to Percy, and gives him the evil eye]
Josh: Okay, finally, someone that can talk some frickin' football!
Bears Fan: Hell yes!
Dan: I'm not so sure... Hey--
Bears Fan: Todd Wollarski.
Josh: You're my boy Todd! [ give him high 5]
Dan: Todd. Who hold the records for rushing touchdowns in a season?
Todd: Walter frigging Payton!
Dan: No, it's LaDainian Tomlinson. I thought as much. What you've got there, Josh, is an all-out Homer.
One more test: Name a great quarterback.
Todd: I don't know any.
Dan: Bears fan, through and through.
Josh: Okay, Dan, you've made your point...now let me just say...Todd, greatest coach of all-time?
Josh: He's fine in my book.
Percy: Is Walter Payton related to Peyton Manning?
Josh: [holding Todd back] Um, Todd, let me show you where you'll be sitting.
Dan: Percy, why don't you go sit with Chaz...I'm sure he can teach you how to make a fake ID or something.
Carmen: [To Josh] You were so brave stepping in and retraining Todd...did you ever play Football?
Josh: Organized? No, but I played my fair share of backyard football.
Carmen: Oh, that's too bad. [She glances at Dan, shakes her head, and then walks over to introduce herself to Chaz]
Dan: What was that about?
Josh: Guess you don't have the football player build like me [sucking in his gut] She can tell I'm an athlete.
Dan: Josh, you play co-ed softball.
Josh: There are times, like now, that I just want to punch you.
Dan: She we finally have that chat about your feelings toward your mother?
Josh: Dan, gonna warn you right now…stop talking.
Dan: Sorry man…man hug?
Josh: [glancing over at Carmen that is eyeing them] No.
Dan: Fine then…it’s probably about time…
[Door opens and Roger Goodell and an attractive brunette in a suit walks in]
Goodell: Hello all! Glad you all could make it to the inaugural FCRCW meeting. This is my assistant Heather Taylor.
Dan: The anagram again! Is that really what it’s called? I thought I was making fun of Alpha Kappa Vodka over there.
Heather: Hi everybody.
Dan: [walking over to Goodell] Mr. Goodell it’s an honor to meet you.
Goodell: You must be Dan [shakes his hand] Thanks for moderating this. [turns to Josh] And that would make you Josh. [Reaches out to shake his hand]
Josh: Excuse me for saying, but I feel like I know you Roger. [grabs his hand firmly]
Goodell: Yeah, I’m getting a weird sense of déjà vu as well…did we watch the movie Dumbo together?
Josh: Not that I know of…well…it’s great to meet you.
Goodell: And you. [Turns to the group] Okay folks, this is how it’s going to work. Dan and Josh here are going to lead this discussion, and I’m going to leave Heather here to record the whole thing. The goal is to come away with a solid list of recommendations from the fans for the official Competition Committee. I’ll leave you guys to it, if you need anything, talk to Heather. [Quietly to Heather] No booze.
Dan: Wow, thanks for making an appearance Mr. Goodell, it’s just an honor to be in the same room as you.
Goodell: Thanks Dan, I leave you all to it. [Roger waves, and quickly exits]
Josh: [In a very mocking voice] Oh, Mr. Goodell…you are my hero…can I get you a lemonade? You are the coolest guy I know Mr. Goodell!
Heather: Hahahaa….yeah, Roger gets at least one of you guys in every group he meets.
Dan: Shut up Josh! And what do you mean, “you guys”.
Heather: The Butt-kissing type.
Josh: [Quietly to Dan] Okay, I call dibs on her…you can have Carmen.
Dan: God I hate you.
Heather: Well, there’s no reason to get cheeky with me. Josh, let’s get this show on the road.
Josh: I’ll get any show on the road you want me to.
Dan: Josh, maybe stop drooling a little.
Josh: We are here, for some terrible reason, to discuss potential rule changes.
Dan: The NFL decided, since fan voting on the Pro Bowl has been such a success, to try out the idea of turning over annual rule changes to the fans as well. So, and I use this term loosely, “Fans”: What rules do you want to see changed?
Todd: I think that if you beat a division rival twice you have to get into the playoffs ahead of them.
Josh: That’s brilliant.
Percy: Sounds pretty good.
Dan: So Detroit gets in ahead of Chicago? Might want to think that one through a little better.
Chaz: Whoa, dudes—f**k, this one’s crazy.
Dan: [to Heather] Make sure you get that word for word, it’s spelled F-U-C-
Heather: I know how it’s spelled.
Chaz: What if, like, you get three extra points if you get a touchdown play for more than 20 yards. He—could—go—all—the—WAY!!! [jumps on the table, and hangs from the chandelier, which breaks and he falls] F**k, that hurt.
Joel: Ooh, I like it! I have Reggie Bush in my keeper league, it would triple his value.
Chaz: Reggie Bush is badaaaaass.
Josh: Hey, look! Bush just got stopped for another 5-yard loss!
Dan: And in other news, the sun set.
Percy: Sometimes players get better even after starting their careers slow.
Josh: Thanks for that, Percy, truly insightful.
Carmen: Hey, y’all, remember back when officials were supposed to not overturn any calls if the film was inconclusive? We should make them enforce that.
Dan: Whoa! She knows a thing or two about football! Er… not that I don’t expect women to know about football—
Josh: She just got a lot hotter. I’m taking her back, you can have… but Heather’s so hot too… hey, are you two…open-minded?
Dan: It’s just… you looked like the sort of person… not because you’re female; just you in particular…
Carmen: You know, it’s men like you that I love to debate with…you think just cause I’ve got these [gestures at her chest, all male eyes lock in] that I don’t know the difference between a 3-4 and a 4-3…or what a Zone Blitz is…or that the West Coast offense is incorrectly named…
Josh: Yeah Dan! You disgust me! [Turning to Carmen, and not looking into her eyes] I’d be happy to talk football with you guys any time.
Carmen: Josh, I’m up here…and trust me, you don’t have what I want.
Dan: Carmen, that is the best analysis you’ve made so far!
Carmen: Thanks Dan…now Tom Brady and that cute little butt of his, he can say whatever he wants to me.
Josh: What a shock…you’re a Jockie…Grockie…Joupie…
Dan: What in the hell are you trying to say?
Josh: [under his breath to Dan] A groupie for jocks.
Dan: Ah, you mean a Jocktramp.
Carmen: What’s that?
Heather: Yeah, what exactly is that?
Chaz: Dude, is that a chick that will take it up the B-
Josh: Yeah, that’s called a Dan.
Dan: A Jocktramp is a groupie for jocks. They tend to know a ton about the subject, but would like nothing better than to score with the team. They’re not so much fans of the game, they’re fans of the people who play the game.
Heather: So you 2 are saying that she only has this knowledge cause she wants Tom Brady? You guys are jerks!
Josh: It’s not cause she’s a female, it’s just obvious…
Dan: Yeah, just like it’s clear that Chaz is a Jocktramp as well.
Chaz: You know it man! Wait…did you just call me….
Todd: Yeah, he called you….a…
Chaz: Oh, man, I never played baseball.
Todd: As much as I like talking about t*ts and all dat, we got a job to do here.
Dan: Right, thanks, Todd, for keeping us on track. What was your point, Jocktramp? Something about instant replay?
Chaz: Man, instant replay sucks. They just have it so they can fit in more commercials.
Percy: They use instant replay to determine if they made the right call on the field.
Josh: Seriously, why did you say that?
Percy: Wait, was that wrong? I thought I heard—
Dan: No, it was right, it’s just what most of us refer to as common knowledge.
Josh: Yeah, it’s like if I said “The grocery store sells food.”
Percy: That’s true, it does.
Josh: But who cares?
Percy: Hungry people.
Dan: The point is, Purse, that it’s much more helpful for us right now if you tell us your opinion on instant replay, rather than just regurgitating some fact about it. You do know the difference between “opinion” and “factual statement,” right? Does your high school teach that?
Percy: A factual statement is a statement of fact.
Todd: I don’t care for instant replay much either. Those dumb refs don’t know a catch when they see one anysways.
Dan: But so many times a wrong call was made right by looking at the replay! You guys want to undo that? Yakowitz?
Joel: I lost the championship in one of my leagues by six points because a call got overturned.
Dan: But it was the right call! The NFL isn’t just a staging ground for your stupid fantasy games!
Josh: Yeah, it’s a staging ground for gambling too!
Dan: Yeah! Wait, what?
Josh: Any opinions yet, Percy?
Percy: Instant replay is… bad?
Dan: Well, it’s an opinion, just a stupid one.
Todd: Look, we gots a majority here, so let’s just vote.
Josh: Hey! We’re the moderators here, we decide when to take a vote. [pause] Let’s take a vote.
Dan: All in favor of abolishing instant replay, say “aye.”.
Dan: Opposed, say “nay.”
Carmen: Nay, y’all.
Dan: Nay. The “aye’s” have it, may God have mercy on our souls.
Josh: I’ve got a bad feeling about this…Heather….Goodell must of said something to you about keeping this thing on the tracks?
Heather: Not really…he just said “write down everything they say”. Oh, and he said, “No booze”.
Dan: Yeah, both those piss me off.
Josh: Okay, great, so now that we’ve decided to kill instant replay, one of the things the NFL has gotten right over the years….what’s next?
Dan: Purse, you have any ideas?
Percy: End zone celebrations are…
Chaz: Awesome! Man, did you guys see that one that Ocho Cinco did?
Carmen: I can’t stand Chad Johnson.
Chaz: Yeah, he’s okay…but Ocho Cinco is the bomb…when he did the cell phone thing…man, me and my boys were pulling that all the time!
Dan: Chaz, do you have a rule in mind there? Or should we let Percy continue what he was saying?
Chaz: No rule, just touchdown celebrations are awesome.
Percy: As I was saying, End Zone celebrations happen after a touchdown.
Josh: Wow…I can’t say any more…your logic has just blown me.
Heather: You forgot to say “away”.
Josh: No I didn’t…someone’s got a dirty mind [gives Heather a little nudge on the shoulder, Heather gives him a disgusted look]
Todd: Well, I think the Lambeau leap should be outlawed. When you get in the endzone, act like you’ve been there. Sweetness never had to show boat.
Josh: Yeah, Todd, you lay down the law!
Todd: [Jumping to his feet] I mean the only thing Payton ever did was his little high step [starts running around the room mimicking the Payton high step]
Chaz: What is fatty doing?
Percy: I’ve never seen Peyton Manning do that.
Carmen: He’s breathing pretty hard…
Heather: I have paramedics on speed dial…with Goodell is part of the job…
Todd: [stops, doubles over out of breath] oh……..my….god…..that…..polish…not….sitting….well….
Josh: Todd man, just sit down, Dan’s going to bring you some water.
Dan: I am?
Chaz: What if you got points for creative TD celebrations? TO vs Ocho would be an epic battle!
Joel: Hmmm….that would give WRs more value in the draft…I like it…you can usually pick up a flamboyant player late in the draft….
Percy: I like when the teams score, cause you have to score to win.
Dan: [Helping Todd drink a glass of water] I can’t believe what I’m hearing.
Carmen: Well, let’s put this stupid rule to a vote….
Josh: Okay, all in favor of awarding points for TD celebrations, raise their hand.
[Chaz and Joel’s hand shoots into the air. Chaz punches Percy in the shoulder, who then raises his hand. Dan, trying to help Todd catch his breath, raises both his and Todd’s hands above their heads.]
Heather: 1…2…3…4…5…looks like that one passes the mustard as well.
[Todd returns to his seat, still a little winded, Dan returns to his seat, and turns to Josh]
Dan: [Quietly to Josh] Man, this is more messed up than I thought it would be.
Josh: Yeah…I would say let’s take this down hill…but we’re already on our way…
Dan: I think the only thing to do is push it all the way over the ledge so they can’t take this thing seriously or ever do it again…
Josh: Good call, I knew there was a reason I was still friends with you…You get things rolling with the group, I’ve got an idea…
Dan: [Turning to the group] Okay, well, we have 2 rules down…what else can we do? Joel, what do you think? What great rules changes lay in that head of yours?
Joel: Hmmm….well, more scoring is always good…but I think the best thing for the game would be a rule prohibiting teams from rotating running backs.
Dan: So you’re saying that we should limit a way a team subs player in?
Joel: Yeah, you just limit the amount of sub….
Josh: [To Heather] Can I have a quick word in private?
Heather: Josh, I’m not interested, and I’ve got to record all this.
Josh: [Slams mini-tape recorder on desk and hits record] I’m not hitting on you, just come here.
Heather: Okay [They get up and walk off to the corner of the room]
Joel:….that way, only 1 back gets the majority of playing time.
Chaz: Yeah, you need a back like Adrian Peterson…just a horse that takes all the carries.
Dan: Um, Chaz, Peterson shared carries with Chester Taylor.
Percy: A 1 back system features only 1 tailback.
Todd: Payton would have been a great back to have if that rule was in place back in the day…
[In the corner]
Josh: Have you heard the crap that is being slung over there?
Heather: Yeah, and Roger is going to want to put at least one of these moronic ideas into action.
Heather: To show he’s in touch with the fans.
Josh: Then we need to act quickly….we need booze. We need to take this thing completely off the tracks so it never happens again.
Heather: This isn’t just some trick to get in my pants? Did Roger tell you I get really grabby when I drink?
Josh: You do? I mean, no, no he didn’t. And that’s not what this is about…it’s all about keeping the NFL from the whims of these morons.
Heather: Okay, booze is on its way.
Heather: Pushed a button on my PDA, and loads of booze are delivered to my location…it’s another thing you need to have when you’re Goodell’s assistant.
Josh: Great. [They walk over and rejoin the table…Dan gives a sly look to Josh, who nods with a big grin]
Heather: No Dan, he didn’t just get my digits.
Dan: Man, Josh, you’re a terrible liar.
Josh: Yes, I am, but Booze is coming!
Percy: Booze is alcohol.
Todd: No, it’s a way of life.
[Doors open up, and several hotel staff burst in, carrying every type of alcohol known to man. They arrange it next to the table, and scurry out]
Dan: [Singing while caressing a bottle of gin] Oh, sweet mystery of life at last I’ve found you!
[Todd, Chaz, and Percy grab a cooler of lite beer and return to the table. Percy looks strangely at the can and sips it slowly…Todd and Chaz seem to be racing to drink more. Dan is making Gin and Tonics for Josh, Heather and himself. Carmen and Joel are busy making rum and cokes.]
Percy: The legal drinking age is 21.
Dan: I won’t tell if you won’t.
Percy: I’m 15.
Dan: Yes, you said that earlier.
Percy: 15 is less than 21.
Josh: We know! Just drink!
Percy: I think I’m drunk. [passes out]
Dan: How much did he have?
Josh: [inspecting] Actually, he didn’t even open the can, he was just sipping at the metal tab.
Dan: Freakin’ incredible.
Chaz: Yo, we’re going to get this boy crunk!
Todd: You’re falling behind, Chaz.
Chaz: Oh s**t! [shotguns two cans simultaneously]
Dan: [offering toast to Josh] To mayhem?
Josh: To mayhem.
****** 2 hours later *******
[Scene] Carmen has removed her blouse, and is in only a bra. Chaz is wearing said blouse, tied above the belly button. Percy is staring off into space. Todd rubs his beer gut. Josh and Dan have their feet propped up on the table, looking like kings surveying their land.
Heather: I think my handwriting has become totally ineligible.
Carmen: I think you mean illegitimate.
Percy: Illegal means not legal.
Dan: So how do we all feel about penalty flags?
Carmen: They’re sssstupid.
Josh: And how should we fix them?
Chaz: Instead of throwing a flag, the ref has to puke on the field.
Percy: But what happens if he has to puke and there isn’t a penalty?
Dan: He’s gotta just puke on the sidelines. It’s brilliant. All in favor?
All 7: Aye!
Josh: It’s official! Penalty flags replaced with vomit!
All 7: Woohoo!
Josh: What about midfield logos?
Percy: Make them out of Legos!
Dan: I’m starting to like you just a tiny bit.
Percy: Lego sounds like logo!
Dan: All in favor of having three-dimensional plastic structures with sharp corners placed at midfield?
All 7: Aye!
Carmen: Quarterbacks should be required to wear assless chaps!
Dan: A little eager there, huh, Mike Piazza?
Chaz: I already told you, I don’t play baseball.
Dan: Whatever you say, Pudge.
Josh: I like it! Assless chaps for the QBs! [whispering to Dan] This is perfect – stay with it. [to group] All in favor?
Dan, Chaz, Carmen, Josh: Aye!
Joel, Todd: Nay!
Josh: That’s four aye’s, two nay’s and a five! The aye’s have it!
Heather: I wasn’t paying attention. I just drew a picture of my phone number. It’s pretty.
Josh: Really? Let me see it!
Heather: No! It’s private!
Chaz: How ‘bout if you choose to punt it it’s an automatic 10-yard penalty!
Joel: I love it! More offense is always good!
Dan: Not only is it a penalty, but you have to kick it in the other direction. How about that?
Josh: Let’s do it! All in favor?
All 7: Aye!
Dan: Mark it, dude!
Heather: Did you just call me dude?
Dan: Well, uh, you know, in the parlance of our times…and what-have-you…you mean… coitus?
Josh: Dear God, he’s gone into Big Lebowski catch phrase mode again.
Percy: I saw that movie! Do you see what happens, Larry, when you find a stranger in the Alps?
Dan: That’s not the line.
Josh: He’s not allowed to watch the R-rated version.
Heather: Oh, shoot, I forgot! There’s a list of things Goodell wanted you to cover! Here. [hands list to Josh, on which is phone number “drawing”]
Josh: I’ll treasure this forever.
Dan: Okay, what does the big cheese want us to talk about?
Josh: He wants us to discuss pumping in crowd noise.
Dan: I say pump in anything you want to. If I owned a stadium, I’d pump in Metallica’s S&M album on repeat.
Todd: Da Bears should blast da Super Bowl Shuffle every time the other team lines up.
Josh: Pumping in noise, not only legal, but encouraged. All in favor?
All 7: Aye!
Dan: What else we got, Mr. Joshua?
Josh: We should discuss pass interference.
Joel: Pass interference should get recorded as passing yardage!
Dan: That’s boring.
Chaz: Pass interference should be legal if the guy got “Jacked Up!”
Josh: Now you’re talking!
Dan: All in favor of legalizing really really hard pass interference?
All 7: Aye!
Josh: Next up, Capt. Goodell wants us to cover Playoff Format.
Todd: I say the playoffs are only available in HD, none of this Blue-ray crap.
Dan: Strange way to interpet that, but…
Joel: Yeah, HD is my pick too, the games look great and on my 60 inch screen you can easily get all your fantasy stats on the side.
Percy: I live TV!
Dan: Okay, all in favor of the Playoffs moving to HD Format only?
All 7: Aye!!
Josh: Heather, you got that down?
Heather: Not here Josh, I’ll do that once all these people leave.
Josh: All right….Dan, you might want to take over the recording, I think Heather fading…
Dan: And I’m sure you’ll be there to catch her. [Grabs Heather’s notebook and pen. Heather rests her head on Josh’s shoulder]
Josh: Okay, next is something about Defensive players wearing headsets….
Percy: Well, if they want to listen to their iPods, that would be the best way.
Chaz: Dude, I just got the iPond, its frickin’ awesome!
Todd: I could see Urlacher rocking out to a little Zeppelin during pregame…
Carmen: I downloaded Tom Brady’s iTunes playlist…man he’s dreamy.
Joel: On my iPhone I can get all my players…
Chaz: …sandwiches! See, I can finish your sentences now!
Chaz: …a Catcher! I’m good at this!
Dan: Okay, all in favor of allowing players to wear iPods!
All 7: Aye!
Dan: Okay, Josh, what’s next? [Dan looks over, Josh is craning his next to look down the passed out Heather’s blouse] Josh!
Josh: [Moving his hands and snapping his head up] I didn’t do anything!
Dan: Next item?
Josh: Right…um…icing kickers is the last one.
Chaz: Why would anyone want to pour Gatorade on the kicker?
Percy: [taking the smallest sip possible of his beer] I like icing on cankers…I mean canes…cantaloupe…that’s a funny word…cant-A-Looooppppppeeeeee. [Falls off chair]
Chaz: This boy is a lightweight!! Consume!!
Todd: Man, Kevin Butler was the greatest kicker…man…I would give anything to drink with the Butthead…god a love that guy….
Carmen: Kickers are worth a second of my time...smallest guys on the field, if you know what I mean.
Dan: You know I used to be a kicker.
Josh: Um, Dan…just stop now.
Dan: Right…well…um…all in favor of allowing Kickers to have Gatorade?
All 6: Aye!
Dan: Alright, another gem for the record books! Well, I think we’ve done our damage…I mean duty here. Josh, wake up sleeping beauty, and find out what’s next.
Josh: Oh, I know what’s next…[Josh shakes Heather awake]
Heather: Wha…no Roger, it’s not your wife...It’s just me darling…[Suddenly bolts up] What is it?
Josh: Um…wow…that was…
Dan: Heather, we’ve got our full recommendations for the Commish, what’s next?
Heather: I’ll get them to Roger, and he’ll present them to the committee. You guys are free to go back and enjoy your NFL provide hotel rooms.
[Todd grabs a cooler full of lite beer and heads for the door]
Todd: See you later boys, and Josh…
Josh and Todd: DA…BEARS!!!
[Chazz helps Percy to his feet and frog marches him towards the door]
Chaz: Todd, can you grab another cooler for me? I want to teach this boy how to really…
Joel: …be a Catcher?
Chaz: Wha? No…drink. I’m going to teach him to drink.
Joel: Well, I’ve only got 6 more months till my fantasy draft so I’ll be in my room drawing up my draft strategy.
Dan: [Coughing] Dork!
Carmen: See you all…well skinny britches, would you mind escorting me to my room?
Dan: Are you talking to me?
Carmen: Would anyone ever call Josh Skinny britches?
Dan: Not unless they were blind and drunk…and I’m guessing you’re just drunk.
Carmen: A little…but less talk and more walk…it helps your chances.
Josh: Well, good luck with that you two.
Heather: Yeah, have fun guys.
Josh: Well, shall we?
Heather: I’ve got to get this to Roger right away.
Josh: But I thought…
Heather: Sorry if I mislead you, you’re a good guy…but well…you’re not commisionery enough for me.[Heather gets up, and walks to the door, opens it and pauses for a second] Josh?
Heather: You can keep all the alcohol. [With that she turns and walks out the door]
Josh: [Looking around empty room] Well, in the end there is always beer.
[Josh grabs a Guinness, and kicks back in his chair, suddenly door swings open]
Female Voice: Is this the fan club meeting?
Josh: What fan club is that?
Female Voice: The Kate Winslet fan club? I thought I’d make a personal appearance.
Kate Winslet: Yes?
Josh: You’re in the right place! Guinness?
Kate: Yes please, let’s get pissed!
**** The Start of the NFL Season ****
[On the TV]
Joe Buck: Troy, how will the new rules effect the game this year?
Troy Aikman: Well, there were a lot of wild rules talked about, but only a few minor changes were made. I don’t expect these changes to have a big impact, and I think the league made the right choices with the rules they did change….
[Sitting on a couch in Dan’s apartment]
Dan: I still can’t believe….Kate Winslet?
Josh: Yeah, I know man….ouch…Cribbs just ran into the Lego logo!
Dan: What have we done?