Josh Q. Public: It isn't fair, it isn't right, Mrs. Hutchinson screamed, and then they were upon her. -Shirley Jackson
Public Service Announcement: OK, here we go! The NBA Lottery. Are you a winner? Winner winner, three piece chicken dinner. A Stradivarius violinner? The NBA Lottery is tonight. Tonight's the night. It's gonna be all right. Do the Celtics get a shot at the big prize? Or does it go the way of Tim Duncan? Do the Knicks? Er Bulls. Does Oden go number one? Does he have all the fun? Is he everybody's honey bun? Or is it Durant? Only time will tell. Do we have a future? Or will love become a memory? Since the day we fell, we knew the story well. Only time will tell. So with all this lottery talk, I got to thinking. Like William Shakespeare always says: "Nothing is good or bad, but thinking makes it so." I got to thinking, what were some of the best drafts in pro sports. So without further ado, here it is: The Best **** Draft Ever!
The 1983 NFL Draft: The Year of the Quarterback
1. Baltimore Colts. John Elway. QB. The Duke of Denver. The Driver. The staying aliver. Ha ha ha ha staying alive. Staying alive in the mud in Cleveland. Staying alive with the most game-winning or game-tying scoring drives in the fourth quarter. The real Captain Comeback. More wins than any other quarterback in NFL history. One of the best winning percentages in league history. Tied for most Pro Bowl selections for a quarterback. Third all-time leading passer. Two rings. The rings are the things. Better late than never at all. Hall of fame. Say my name!
2. Los Angeles Rams. Eric Dickerson. RB. Pony Express. Goggles Pisano. Fast like lightning. Very very frightening. Galileo. Galileo. Rookie of the Year. Chocolate chip cookie of the year. Rookie record for most rushing attempts. Rookie records for most rushing yards gained and most touchdowns rushing. All-Pro, Pro Bowl, Player of the Year and Rookie of the Year honors his rookie year. The seventh back ever to gain more than 10,000 yards and the fastest ever to do so. Second all-time in yardage at the time of his retirement. Single-season-record 2,105 yards rushing in ‘84. "If I get the ball enough times, something's going to give - me or the defense." More often than not, it was the defense. Hall of Fame. Say my name!
3. Seattle Seahawks. Curt Warner. RB. Not to be confused with Kurt Warner. Helped produce one of the franchise's greatest finishes ever in his rookie year. Piled up nearly 1,800 yards in total offense his rookie year. Got the 9-7 Seahawks to the AFC Championship his rookie year. Warner, however, was injured on opening day in 1984 and wouldn't turn in another dominant season until 1986, retiring after 1990. Oh, what could have been.
4. Denver Broncos. Chris Hinton. OL. Claim to fame? The guy the Broncos traded to Baltimore for John Elway. But he was more than that. He was one tough cat. Tougher than Chris Vaughn with a baseball bat. Seven Pro Bowls in thirteen seasons.
6. Chicago Bears. Jimbo Covert. OL. A dominating offensive tackle. Bears offensive captain. O Captain! My Captain! Our fearful trip is done. The ship has weathered every rack, the prize we sought is won. Yes the prize was won. The Super Bowl. Two Pro Bowls. Offensive Lineman of the Year. NFL 1980's All-Decade Team. Wrestlemania. All of it.
9. Houston Oilers. Houston Oilers. Houston Oilers, number one. Bruce Matthews. OL. Blocked for the Tyler Rose, Earl Campbell. Played every position on the line. I keep a close watch on this heart of mine. I keep my eyes wide open all the time. I keep the ends out for the tie that binds. Because you're mine, I walk the line. Walked the line on his way to a league record fourteen Pro Bowls. Walked the line on his way to a Super Bowl. Walked the line recording the longest playing longevity at any position and holding the league record for most games and seasons played by an offensive lineman. Walked the line straight to the Hall of Fame. Say my name!
14. Buffalo Bills. Jim Kelly. QB. K-Gun Offense. Leading the great NFL scoring juggernauts that were the Buffalo Bills. Led them to four consecutive Super Bowls. Led them to the playoffs in eight of his eleven seasons. "It's been written that the trademark of my career was toughness. The toughest person I ever met in my life was my son, my hero, Hunter. I love you, buddy." We love you, Jim Kelly. Hall of Fame. Say my name!
15. New England Patriots. Tony Eason. QB. Say what you want about Champagne Tony but , he led the New England Patriots to a Super Bowl in a time that such a feat was unheard of.
18. Chicago Bears. Willie Gault. WR. World Record sprinter. The primary long-pass threat on a team known as one of best defensive squads in history. Pure ath-uh-lete. Can't be beat. Fastest thing on two feet. Gault contributed 178 yards in receptions and special teams yardage in Super Bowl XX.
19. Minnesota Vikings, Joey Browner. Safety. We can dance, we can dance, everybody takin' the chance. Safety dance. Joey Browner safety dancin' his way to six Pro Bowls. Safety dancin' his way to four All Madden teams. Safety Dancin' his way to the NFL's All Decade Team. Hard hittin' summamabitch.
22. San Diego Chargers. Gill Byrd. DB. Ten-years in the show. Ten years on the go. Wake me up before you go-go. Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo. Byrd didn't leave you hanging like a yo-yo. He was the Chargers' all-time leading interceptor. He was selected twice to go to the Pro Bowl. He was inducted, as the 25th member, into the Chargers Hall of Fame. Say my name!
23. Dallas Cowboys. Jim Jeffcoat. DE. Jeffcoat was a dominating part of the vaunted Cowboys defense. Big D in the Big D. He is tied with Bob Lilly for the team record for most sacks in a game. He led the Cowboys in sacks in 1986 and 1992. Never missed a game in twelve seasons with the Cowboys. And the most important thing. It don't mean a thing if you ain't got them rings. Two rings with the Dallas Cowboys.
24. New York Jets. Ken O'Brien. QB. Put together an eleven-year, 25,000-yard career. Career opportunities are the ones that never knock. Every job they offer you is to keep out the dock. Career opportunities, the ones that never knock.
27. Miami Dolphins. Dan Marino. QB. What can I say that hasn't been said before. Were you telling lies, ah, the night before? Was I so unwise, ah, the night before? More records than you can shake a stick at. At quarterback he was a sick cat. Top Cat. He's the boss, he's a pip, he's the championship. He's the most tip top, Top Cat. Hall of Fame. Say my name!
28. Washington Redskins. Darrell Green. DB. The fastest cornerback I ever seen. The fastest corner there's ever been. Flash a-ah. Savior of the Universe. Flash. He'll save everyone of us. Flash. He's a miracle. Flash. King of the impossible. Twenty years with the Washington Redskins. Seven Pro Bowls with the Redskins. Most consecutive seasons with an interception. 1991 World's Fastest Athlete.
32. Los Angeles Rams. Henry Ellard. WR. Another World Class Sprinter. Three Pro Bowls. Eleven seasons jumping over mugs. Jumping over mugs and hauling it in. At the time of his retirement, Ellard held the Rams' team records for career receptions, receiving yards, 100-yard games, punt return average, and total offense.
39. Buffalo Bills. Darryl Talley. LB. Bills‘ all-time leading tackler. A nasty linebackler. Linebackling the Bills in their four Super Bowl run. Linebackling his way to two Pro Bowls. The Duke of Awesome. Spider Man, Spider Man, doing whatever a spider can. The Hammer. Darryl Talley.
49. San Francisco 49ers. Roger Craig. RB. Three rings with the 49ers. The unsung hero with the 49ers. Not unsung in 1988. Offensive Player of the Year in 1988. NFC Player of the Year in 1988. The first running back to gain more than 1,000 yards rushing and 1,000 yards receiving in the same season. The only running back to lead the NFL in receptions for a single season. The only one ever to record over 100 receiving yards in a Super Bowl. The only running back to be elected to the Pro Bowl at both fullback and halfback. 1980's All Decade Team.
84. Washington Redskins. Charles Mann. DE. Along with Dexter Manley led the Redskins Defense to two Super Bowl Championships.
167. Miami Dolphins. Reggie Roby. P. Anybody who can punt the ball seventy-seven yards, makes this list. His three Pro Bowls don't hurt either. Rest in peace.
187. New England Patriots. Craig James. RB. Running back number two in the Pony Express. Thousand yard season en-route to the Patriots first Super Bowl appearance.
223. Miami Dolphins. Mark Clayton. WR. Marino's favorite target. Marks Brother number one. Five time Pro Bowler. His 1984 single season record of eighteen touchdown catches was broken in 1987 by Jerry Rice and is still an AFC record and tied for the second highest total in NFL history.
203. Chicago Bears. Richard Dent. DL. Pass rusher extaordinaire. Beyond compare. One tough Bear. MVP of Super Bowl XX. In 1985, there was not a better football player than Richard Dent. Not one. If you saw his NFC Championship performance against the New Jersey Giants, you saw something special. I wish I was special. You're so f'n special. Snow falling. Brock goes back to pass. Here comes Dent! Bam! Ball loose. Fum-ble! Touchdown Marshall! Ballgame baby, ballgame!
276. Cincinnati Bengals. Tim Krumrie. DL. Best defensive lineman to ever dawn the Tiger Stripes. Two Pro Bowls. One Super Bowl appearance. You saw the injury. The Theismanlike injury. Tackling Roger Craig, his whole body spun around while his cleat stayed put. Kaput. Colonel Hogan, who is this man? This man is Tim Krumrie and he came back to play six more years.
310. Denver Broncos. Karl Mecklenberg. LB. The Albino Rhino. Six Pro Bowls. Orange Crush. Follow me, don't follow me. I've got my spine, I've got my orange crush. Collar me, don't collar me. I've got my spine, I've got my orange crush.
Public Acknowledgements: Rod Stewart, Etta James, Bee Gees, Flintstones, Queen, Walt Whitman, Johnny Cash, Men Without Hats, Wham!, Clash, Beatles, Hanah-Barbera, Marvel Comics, Radiohead, Keuth Jackson, Hogans Heroes and REM.
Peace out homies. Six Two and Even!