The NCAA Tournament is still a few weeks away. The NBA and NHL trading deadlines have passed, and the NFL hasn’t quite kicked into offseason signing mode. Pitchers and Catchers have reported, but spring training isn’t in full swing yet. But there is still plenty to talk about, trust me on this.
It’s been one of those weeks here, weather has been wacky, my daughter got sick over the weekend, I had to travel for meetings on Tuesday, and then I got sick when I got back. Through all of that, it’s been hard to focus on any one topic longer than 2 minutes…give or take 5 minutes…and yes, that could put me in negative time…but that’s my point, it’s been one of those weeks.
With my brain still sluggish from a cold, and lots of random thoughts floating around, decided to just go with it, and roll out the first edition of “Trust me on this”…whether there is ever a second edition…well…let’s just see how this works…
If you’re at a congressional hearing, and the best you can do in your defense is invent the word “Misremembered”, your best bet is just to come clean, level with people and move on with things. Because, Mr. Clemens, no one is buying the misremembered defense, trust me on this.
When you hear a shout of “Daddy I just pee’d on the potty” and you know your daughter was standing on the potty to brush her teeth…be prepared to clean up a big mess, trust me on this.
Last year Adrian Peterson ran a 4.41 at the combine and wowed people…this year, my 2 favorite quotes are “Darren McFadden blew away Peterson’s combine numbers” and “Felix Jones showed he’s not as fast as we thought he was.” McFadden ran a 4.33 and Jones a 4.47, that’s a difference of a .08 and .06 from Peterson’s time…when you consider the margin of error on these times is .05…that means, all these guys are fast, trust me on this.
If you’ve just finished telling your daughter “We’re not going to watch Shrek” and she then says “Daddy, can I ask you a question?” The question she is going to ask is, “Can we watch Shrek?” Trust me on this.
For 15 years, the NCAA Tournament featured 64 teams. What a perfect number, 4 groups of 16…2 weekends just crammed with exciting games. And then they expended to 65 teams…what? Does anyone really think about it as a 65 team tournament? No, it’s still 64 in everyone’s mind. All the NCAA did, was bump a small time school out of their only shot at glory, so another 17-16 big money school can get in, well thank god, at least Michigan has a chance now, trust me on this.
You’re in a mall or office building that has more than 1 Starbucks (or Dunkin Donuts for East Coasters) and one of them has a line out the door, do not wait in line. The other one will be empty, trust me on this.
You’re a NFL GM, and you’re seriously considering applying the franchise tag to LJ Smith or Ken Hamelin…players that are good, but aren’t in the top 5 at their positions…grab the nearest blunt object, and hit yourself in the head until that idea dribbles out your ear, trust me on this.
When you look at the beer list, and there is only 1 beer you would drink on it…and the waitress responds to your order with “Sorry, we’re all out of that”…just order a Gin and Tonic, trust me on this.
Once again, you’re an NFL GM…a mediocre college player runs a 4.3 40…he wasn’t on your draft board at all prior to that…the question is, how many drugs and in what amount does it take to make you take that player in the first round of the draft? The correct answer should be “there aren’t enough drugs in the world”, trust me on this.
Even if you know the bartender, it’s never okay to reach across the bar and help yourself to a beer, trust me on this.
After every offseason, someone is always declared the “winner”. And every year, the offseason winner misses out on being the real winner. Offseason hope is always a good thing, but relax until the games actually start being played, trust me on this.
Finding a movie you love on TV, even with commercials, is like finding a dollar in a puddle on the street…sure you’ve got the same thing all clean and dry in your wallet, but you weren’t expecting to find one here, and that makes this one special. In these situations, resist putting the DVD of the movie in, trust me on this.
The most common complaint about the Vikings-Jaguars trade is that the Jags added another so-so WR, Troy Williamson, to the mix. What about the fact that the Vikings just traded the #7 pick in the 2005 draft for a 6th rounder? The Jags got a good deal, the Vikes just proved they don’t know how to draft, trust me on this.
If you’re faced with the choice of reading a column by Jay Mariotti and having your left hand cut off by a table saw…go for the table saw. At least it’s only mildly annoying, trust me on this.
When the options on the team are Kyle Orton and Brian Griese…and the free agent choices include Quinn Gray (Quinn the Eskimo?), Daunte Culpepper (remember when he was good?), Todd Collins (Remember he’s 36), Josh McCown (No, the other McCown…wait, yeah, neither is any good) and Byron Leftwich (The Jags did great last year, after he left)…resigning Rex Grossman for 1 year, isn’t a terrible idea, trust me on this.
If you’re going to choose to have a graphic pornographic picture as the wall paper on your computer, especially if it’s a picture of yourself helping your Captain salute, make sure you know how to fix your own computer…trust me on this. Let me be clear, trust me on this.
Man, the 2007-08 Celtics are well on their way to challenging the 1995-96 Chicago Bulls for greatest team of all time…oh, wait…you have to play 82 games? Oh, um…hmm…win 72, and a championship, and then we can debate which team is better, until then, it’s just a lot of smoke, trust me on this.
If you list of greatest accomplishments is headed by “Made $7.50 eating a huge June bug on a dare” make sure you’re under the age of 18 when the list was written, trust me on this.
Yao Ming goes down…he’s averaging 22 and 10…he’s the face of the franchise…an All-Star…and yet he says “I am confident we will keep winning, I trust my teammates will move forward without me.” Yao, it has nothing to do with trust, and everything to do with the fact you’re the center of that team, sorry man, the Rockets aren’t going to be the same without you, trust me on this.
SuperSize Me comes out, freaks out everyone about fast food, and all the fast food places freak out and create healthy options, and smaller portions. It seems that has now worn off, as it now appears that all the fast food places are trying to out do themselves with size…no one needs a Triple Whopper with Cheese, trust me on this.
This next one is for Alfonso Soriano. Running into the wall is part of playing the outfield; every player to ever play the outfield has run into the wall. They all hurt no matter if the padding is ivy or foam. But guess what? You get paid an astronomical amount of money to play a game, so get over it and play hard. You’ll come out on top even if you run head first into the wall, trust me on this.
The microwave is not where the Ice cream goes, no matter how much it looks like a freezer, trust me on this.
You’re an aging Vet at the end of your career (Jeff George, Sammy Sosa, I’m talking to you). You’ve been cut or released…instead of begging teams to sign you, just retire. If a team really needs or wants you, they’ll find you, trust me on this.
If you call yourself a diehard fan, you need to be able to name more than 2 starters, trust me on this.
The Reds, Royals, Blue Jays and Cubs all have the ability to surprise us this year. One of these teams is going to surprise us in the wrong way, I’ll let you guess which one…here’s a hint, a goat will be involved, trust me on this.
You wake up in the middle of the night to the sound of a cat puking…you swing your legs out of bed, stand up, and your first step lands your bare foot in a fresh pile of cat puke…there is only one reaction. Wipe your foot off, get back in bed, and tell your wife that her cat is puking, trust me on this.
Underestimating a player (Kelly Washington comes to mind) whose “only value” is on Special Teams is a bad move by the organization and the fans. Special Team is one third of the whole equation of a team, giving up on that 3rd, can wreck a team quickly, trust me on this.
One of the most beautiful things about food? It’s one of the few things on this earth that can look like crap, and taste like heaven. Heck, it can smell like crap and taste great as well. But if it smells like crap and looks like crap, it’s probably crap, trust me on this.
Let me get this straight…Greg Oden, the #1 pick in last year’s NBA draft, who has been injured all year, has decided to back Barrack Obama…and this is news? Really? That’s the best we got? Wow…now, that’s a slow new day, trust me on this.
When viewing a movie trailer with a small child…such as, oh, I don’t know…Horton Hears a Who with your 3 year old daughter…be prepared for…”Can we watch it right now?” “Well, it doesn’t come out till March 14th”…”But I want to watch it right now.” Tomorrow doesn’t exist for kids, trust me on this.
This is the end of the road for Isiah Thomas, right? And I’m not talking with the Knicks, I’m talking in professional basketball. He’s ran the Pacers, the CBA and the Knicks into the ground, those are his 3 strikes, right? This time next year, he’ll be irritating us over the airwaves on TNT, trust me on this.
If you brother’s car is dead in your driveway, right where a snow plow would push the snow…and you have the thought “Well, as long as it doesn’t snow we’re fine”, it will snow, trust me on this.
When the only thing that changes is your #3 pick, there is not reason to put out a NEW mock draft. Yes, I know, this time of the year, what else is there to read, but seriously, there has to be something better to do with your time…if nothing else, you could always learn to yodel, it is a lost art, trust me on this.
There are many ways to be remembered when you pass from this world into the great unknown…being remembered by the phrase “Man, dad had a lot of porn hidden around the house” is not the way you want it to go down, trust me on this.
David Carr, welcome to the scrape heap! Tim Couch is over in the corner having Icy Hot rubbed on his arm. Akili Smith is trying to show off his skills on the dance floor. Ryan Leaf is screaming at the waiter cause well, he shouldn’t have to be bothered by those people. Rex Grossman just got out before they locked the doors. And Joey Harrington is playing piano, the only thing he does at NFL level. Make yourself at home David, it’s going to be a long stay, trust me on this.
No matter what the emails say, you haven’t won the Spanish Lotto, a Nigerian Prince doesn’t need to you to help him with his money, a pill won’t make the Captain grow, and Bill Gates is not going to give you money for sending email. If you’re worried about any of these scams, send me a check for $20, and I’ll make sure you’re not bothered by these people again, trust me on this.
Finally, the free agent market in the NFL this year is like sitting at a blackjack table with your buddy. Your buddy starts winning big, raking in the chips…meanwhile you’re falling apart…the right move is to get up and walk away. The wrong move is to fall into the trap of your buddy’s luck, and start betting like a madman. You’ll find yourself broke in minutes. This free agent pool has about 10-15 grade A free agents, the winners will be the teams that land those guys, the losers will be the guys that panic and sign the next tier of players to overpriced contracts. If you don’t get the big fish, walk away and try your luck later…trust me on this.
And that’s that…the first edition of “Trust me on this” is in the books…let me know if this format works, the feedback is always appreciated, trust me on this.