The Friday debate has often been accused of not really being a debate. We have always held the opinion of “LALALALALA, we can’t hear you!” But when your friends take you aside, and smack you around a little, well, you have to at least pretend you are listening. And if there is one thing that we do well, it’s pretend. Before we get to the debate, there is an announcement to make…
This week’s debate is dedicated to a wayward son. A man that has touched our hearts, and our loins…in a way that no other man can. He is a man that saw great potential in a group of morons, and turned them into a well oiled machine of nuttiness. He has passed from this realm, into a world that is far better than this place, and we want him back…Harry, this is for you man….someone get me a tissue….
Let’s just get on with the debate….
[Scene: A group of people are sitting around a very sterile looking room]
Curly: Okay, you guys all know what you’re going to say?
Harry: Yeah, they’re going to walk through the doors, and I’m going to kick them both in the jimmy!
Buddha: Now Harry, this isn’t personal, it’s about getting our friends help. And lord knows they need it.
Curly: But if they don’t listen, I’ll give you the signal, and you “unleash Hell”, got that Callahan?
Buddha: What time is Edgar bringing them here?
Curly: Any min…[hears voices on other side of door]…ah, this must be them now…
[Door starts to swing open]
Josh: Man, I didn’t know they had bars in buildings like this.
Dan: Yeah, this looks like a Doctor’s office…
Edgar: Nah, you guys will love this place.
[Door swings completely open, Josh and Dan step in, Edgar quickly closes and stands in front of the door behind them. Josh and Dan stare at their friends sitting around the room, and fall silent]
Curly: Now, before you get all up in arms, what we’re about to do is all out of love. We love you guys, and that’s why we’re having this…um….
Buddha: …get together?
Curly: Sure, get together works.
Josh: Is this about our drinking? Cause I haven’t had anything to drink in at least 36 hours.
Harry: It’s not about your drinkin’, if it was just the drinkin’ this wouldn’t be an issue!
Curly: This is about your debates, guys.
Dan: But you guys love the debates! What’s wrong with them?
Edgar: Um…well…they’re not really debates, are they?
Dan: What? We debate stuff!
Curly: No, you boys really don’t. Now, like I said, this is all out of love…
Buddha: Yeah, but not THAT kind of love, we’re not gayos...
Curly: Bud, I think they know that…this is all out of love; we want you guys to succeed, and be all that you can be…so we’ve hired a professional.
Josh: Curly, you know Dan’s issues with hookers, you really shouldn’t of hired him a lady.
Harry: No you moron! It’s not a hooker! This is a debate clinic! We’ve hired someone to help you understand what a debate is! Jeez, these guys are dense…Curly can I kick them now?
Curly: That all depends on them Harry. Well guys, are you willing to see this debate professional, or do you need Harry’s encouragement?
[Dan and Josh glance over at Harry who has a look of peer joy on his face at the prospect of kicking them both in the jimmy]
Josh and Dan: We’ll do it.
Curly: Good, I’m glad you’ve chosen the easy way.
Harry: I’m not. [Kicks coffee table, it shatters]
Buddha: Um, Harry, are you wearing steel toed boots?
Harry: So what if I am?
Curly: Yes, well….um…any way, if you gentleman will follow me, I’ll introduce you to the Debate Counselor. Now we’ll all be waiting for you right out here.
Josh: Wow, to give us love and support?
Edgar: No, to make sure you don’t run away….[Curly shoots him an evil glare]…I mean, yeah, love and support, you know it!
Buddha: [To Edgar] Nice recovery.
[Curly opens door into the adjoining office, waves Josh and Dan through]
Curly: [Turning to the rest of the group] Now you morons wait right here, I’ll be right back. And yes Buddha, as soon as I’m back, Edgar can run and get us all Burger King.
[Curly walks into adjacent office and closes door. Josh and Dan are standing nervously, staring at the back of a high back chair behind a desk]
Curly: Dr. Praline?
[The chair spins around, revealing Dr. Praline.]
Dr. Praline: Yes?
Curly: Ah, these are the gentleman I told you about.
Dr. Praline: Yes, yes! Jolly good, come in gentlemen.
Josh: Ah, hell, he's a limey!
Dan: Sweet, he's a limey!
Dr. Praline: Ah, we're off to a good start, we already have two contrary opinions.
I'm told you two have some difficulty debating as of late.
Josh: I don't care about canaries!
Dr. Praline: Yes. Canaries. Lovely. Now, you, Josh are of the opinion that it's unfortunate that I'm a, as you say, "limey." You, Dan, are of the opinion that it is, in fact, fortunate. How would you go about debating this topic?
Dan: You know what was a good movie? Dark City.
Curly: I'll leave you 3 to it, I've got some young fellas that are in need of some BK. [Waves as he leaves the room]
Josh: Man, I could go for a Whopper right now.
Dr. Praline: Come, come, that's not a debate.
Dan: I haven't had French toast in the longest time...
Josh: Ooh...French toast sticks those sound great right now!
Dan: BK has the best fast-food breakfast menu, hands-down
Josh: Hey, Praline, can we grab some BK and be back in a few?
Dan: The croissanwich is the way to go. And their coffee's the best.
Dr. Praline: I'm afraid your friend Mr. Lambeau insists you stay in the room for the full session.
Josh: Okay, well, how about you run out, we'll stay here?
Dr. Praline: I see what's happening here, you're evading the issue.
Dan: You say "issue" funny. "Iss-yoo." Say "tissue."
Dr. Praline: Tissue.
Dan: Tiss-yoo. That's great.
Josh: If anyone is evading here, it's you...I've asked you for a simple favor, run to BK for us.
Dr. Praline: Now, see, what you did through that exercise was simply talk about things other than what you were supposed to debate, until you landed upon something you can agree on.
Josh: Right that BK would be good in our bellies right now, and you're a wanker for not going out and getting us some.
Dan: Josh, maybe you should lay off the BK thing. They're trying to help us, they paid for this quack, and we might as well give him a shot.
Josh: Fine, no BK...What about Taco Bell?
Dr. Praline: Actually, you two are paying, the bill will be sent to your respective residences.
Dan: What the frick! Stingy sons of...
[Josh just start's laughing]
Dr. Praline: Is there something funny in my statement?
Josh: Yeah, they have my address as 1060 W. Addison...hahahahahahaa
Dan: Good thing you didn't use the Soldier Field address; those guys are stingy, they'd never pay it.
Dr. Praline: I can assure you, we have your real addresses, and that you will be billed in full for my services.
Dan: Don't we have to sign for something before we're committed to paying it?
Dr. Praline: No, you don't.
Dan: I see.
Dr. Praline: Now, where were we?
Josh: What the f**k country is this? Isn't this the land of free and the home of the Whopper! Man, I just can't get the BK off my mind...you sure you couldn't drum up a couple of Jr. Whoppers?
Dan: Let's order Chinese! Then we don't have to leave the room!
Dr. Praline: I'll tell you what. You give me a good debate, and then we'll order Chinese.
Josh: Crap, he's going to make us work for it
Dr. Praline: Which is better, General Tso's Chicken, or Kung Pao Chicken?
Josh: That's an easy one, the General all the way.
Dan: I love me some General.
Josh: Although the Colonel isn't bad either, in fact most food with a rank associated are a good bet.
Dr. Praline: Well, why don't we flip a coin, and whoever loses the toss has to debate for Kung Pao Chicken?
Josh: Where have I heard that before? I'm having deja vu all over again....
Dan: Heads I get General Tso's, tails you get Kung Pao.
Dr. Praline: See, Dan's got the idea!
Josh: Nah, it's just a lame joke he stole from me.
Dan: Like you came up with it in the first place. You stole it from someplace else.
Josh: No I didn't!
Dan: Yes you did!
Josh: NO I DID NOT!!
Josh: Did not!
Josh: Did not!
Josh: Did not!
Josh: You know who did? Your mom, that's who.
Dan: All over your ugly face!
Dr. Praline: Now, this... this isn't an argument.
Dan and Josh: Yes it is.
Dr. Praline: It's just contradiction. And petty childish insults.
Dan: No it isn't.
Josh: Yeah, Poopyhead.
Dr. Praline: Look, a debate is a series of arguments, intended to establish a proposition, not--- what are you doing?
Dan: Oh, I had some earwax, so I thought I'd use your fountain pen to get it out. Hope you don't mind.
Dr. Praline: Give me that!
Dan: You sure you still want it? It's pretty gross.
Josh: yeah, I wouldn't touch that thing, Dan's ears are disgusting.
Dan: Also, they have an STD.
Josh: Crap, you have EarHerpes?
Dan: close enough.
Josh: Praline, I wouldn't touch that pen with a 39 and a half foot pole.
Dr. Praline: Please! Can we just... stay on track here? And it's Dr. Praline to you!
Josh: Dude, I'm not debating NASCAR! That's one thing we both completely agree on, no NASCAR debates.
Dr. Praline: Yes, but you seem to agree on most everything.
Dan: No, we don't.
Dr. Praline: I did some background research, and you agreed on nearly every playoff game.
Dr. Praline: Some weeks you agreed on ALL 16 NFL games!
Josh: Yeah, so what? You're a bloody limey, you don't see us calling you out for that, do you?
Dan: He's not bloody.
Josh: Dan, it's a limey expression.
Dan: That sounds like an eye shadow color. "Limey expression."
Josh: Wait, Dr. Limey, did you have a point? Dan can get off track when he starts talking about makeup.
Dr. Praline: My point, Mr. Harristhing, is that the first step for you is finding something you can actually disagree upon.
Josh: Why would I want to disagree with him? He's my friend.
Dan: I find his smell disagreeable.
Josh: I mean, in your parlance, he's a wanker, but he's still my friend
Dan: He smells like frat boy.
Josh: I do not smell like frat boy!
Dan: You're probably right.
Dr. Praline: [smacks forehead] No, there, you see! There was a perfect debate opportunity!
Josh: What was? That I'm right? That's not really debatable.
Dr. Praline: Dan, you have to stick to your guns a bit. Don't be so quick to concede the point.
Josh: But he was wrong and he knows it.
Dr. Praline: Look, you're both NFL blokes. What's going on right now, free agency? Which teams do you each think is going to spend the most on free agents?
Dan: I think it'll be the Chiefs.
Josh: The Chiefs, good choice, I like it.
Dr. Praline: No, no, no, no...Bloody hell, you don't get it. This is a debate; he has stated his point of view, now you state yours.
Josh: What was the question?
Dr. Praline: Good Lord, how did you Americans ever win the Battle of New Orleans?
Josh: Ooh, I'll take them!
Dr. Praline: Who?
Josh: I'll take the Saints.
Dr. Praline: To do what exactly?
Josh: To answer the question which you posed about the NFL, in which Dan answered the Chiefs...yeah, I don't remember the question.
Dr. Praline: The question was which team will spend the most on free agents this year?
Dan: I think it'll be a team that made the playoffs in 2006, but then suffered a disappointing 07, making them feel like they can get by with a quick fix, hence the Chiefs.
Josh: Ditto for me, only change the last part to the Saints.
Dan: I also like the Chiefs because their head coach is fairly new to the team, so he doesn't really have a sense of continuity with the players yet.
Josh: Let's see...yep, that holds true for the Saints as well.
Dr. Praline: Josh, are you going to say anything?
Josh: Sure, the Saints have less than 45 players under contract and over $25 million in cap room.
Dan: So do the Chiefs, as a matter of fact. Also, the Chiefs play in a weak division, and making a huge turnaround is much more likely
Josh: That's a big 10-4 for the Saints as well, you can't get that much weak than the NFC South. Plus, the Saints defense was horrendous last year, so a few warm bodies should be able to do more than the dead ones they employed last year.
Dan: Same thing, but with the Chief's offense.
Dr. Praline: We're off to an... interesting start, but the problem here is that you aren't finding things you disagree on. You just have a list of reasons that both teams share. So while valid arguments, they are useless in this particular debate, you see?
Dan: Yes. What you're saying is, we need to find things to argue that both teams have in common.
Dr. Praline: No! Here, try going on the offensive. Josh, why do you think Dan's choice, the Chiefs, will NOT spend more money than the Saints on free agency?
Josh: Hmmm...Because they have red on the uniforms!
Dr. Praline: Now, I know you can do better than this.
Josh: Would insulting his mother help in anyway here?
Dr. Praline: No! Dan, you give it a try regarding the Saints.
Dan: Well, the Saints play in a dome, so... if they have an outdoor cat, it's not very happy.
Dr. Praline: What does that have to do with anything?!
Josh: Well, he has a point, if the Saints had an outdoor cat; it would be pretty pissed in a dome...well...then again, would an outdoor cat realize he was inside? I mean the Superdome is HUGE...maybe the cat wouldn't realize he was inside.
Dr. Praline: Enough about the cat! Remember, Chinese food is on the line here.
Josh: Yeah, now that you mention the cat, Chinese food doesn't sound too hot.
Dan: Speak for yourself!
Josh: Wait, so you're saying if you KNEW that there was cat in the Chinese food, you would actually want to eat it?
Dan: I'd have a small taste, and if it tasted the same, sure!
Josh: Dr. Limey, er, Praline...can I get a ruling on this? I think I should be declared winner of the debate based off his willingness to eat cat.
Dr. Praline: I don't. Because you're a moron.
Dan: That's not a good argument; it's hardly relevant at all!
Dr. Praline: What does it take to get through to you people?!
Josh: Do I have to spell it out? B-u-r-g-e-r-k-i-n-g, been saying it since the beginning.
Dr. Praline: Fine! Make three good arguments why the Chiefs won't outspend the Saints in free agency, and I'll go out and personally buy you some Burger King.
Josh: 3? Man...Dan, little help?
Dr. Praline: Don't help him, Dan. Same deal applies to you, but only if you don't help him.
Josh: [Quietly to Dan] You got anything? Cause I don't know what the Limey is talking about, but I do know that if I don't get a Whopper soon, I'm going to take off my belt and strangle this prick.
Dan: [whispering] That’s funny, because all I can think of is arguments why you're right.
Dr. Praline: Why are you whispering?
Dan: Oh, I'm just telling him a dirty joke about British people. You'd hate it. But I haven't gotten to the punch line yet, so I need to whisper again. [Whispering to Josh again] Here's one: the top free agents are not at the positions Kansas City needs most. They won't be making a play for Lance Briggs or Asante Samuel because they don't need veterans at linebacker or corner. Now laugh like the joke was really funny.
Josh: [stares dumbly for a second, then starts laughing] Hahahaha, you're right Asante Samuel would be a funny name for a British guy!
Dan: Ugh... genius, Josh, genius.
Dr. Praline: I don't get it.
Dan: Told you, you wouldn't like it.
Josh: Yeah, limey jokes are an acquired taste. Sort of like caviar, only without the fish eggs.
Dan: Oh! I have one! Tom Benson might still be thinking about selling the Saints, so he wants the franchise to be as valuable as possible, so he's going to want to stay well below the cap.
Dr. Praline: There you are! That's one for Dan. Josh, you have anything yet?
Josh: [Staring at Dan, who starts make subtle hand gestures] The top free...guys...who have agents...aren't...err....don't match the Chiefs needles. No! Needs! They don't match the Chiefs positions of need!
Dan: I think what he's getting at is that the Chiefs needs don't quite match what's available for top money in the class. And it's a good point.
Dr. Praline: Yes, I suppose it is.
Josh: Alright! That's 2, one more and we're home free!
Dr. Praline: No, not 3 total, 3 for one of you.
Dan: Here's another: the Chiefs have hired a new offensive coordinator. The Saints still have pretty much the same staff. So the Chiefs have more replacements to make with the new guy's system.
Dr. Praline: Very good, I knew you boys could do this.
Josh: I’ve got one!
Dr. Praline: Well, go ahead.
Josh: Dan knows, he’ll just say it for me. I have a scratchy throat. [pretends to cough]
Dan: Oh! Uh… great point, Josh! The… Chiefs… have young talent at all the big money positions that they’re trying to develop. So they don’t want to bring in people to stunt their growth.
Dr. Praline: Is that what you meant to say?
Josh: Precisely. Uh, cough.
Dr. Praline: You know, if you’re sick, Burger King might not be the best thing for you.
Josh: Listen, it’s a proven medical fact that a Whopper gets a man’s heart started in the morning. And 4 out of 5 Doctors agree the BK Fries cure the common cold.
Dr. Praline: I’m a Dr, and I don’t think that’s right.
Josh: Right, well, you’re a wanker #5 aren’t you?
Dr. Praline: I most certainly am no…
Josh: No one cares what you think; we’ve hit our quota…
Dan: Let’s celebrate with some BK!
Dr. Praline: Not yet. One more, each of you.
Dan: The Chiefs’ defense, which is a lot better than it used to be, is almost entirely built out of free agents. So they’re not going to be as skeptical about free agency as the Saints might, because their draft went so well two years ago, and they probably figure they can fix their problems there.
Josh: But they drafted Robert Meachem last year, and he bombed like crazy. So they’re not always right. Wait, was that an actual argument? Do I win?
Dr. Praline: Very good! You’ve done well. All right, let’s go to Burger King.
Dan: To the BK!
Josh: Man, if they don’t have a Whopper, I’m going to freak-out!
[Two weeks later, Josh is sitting on his couch, enjoying a Whopper and watching Titanic…the phone rings…first ring is normal, then it changes to a ringtone of “My Heart will go on”]
Josh: Near, far, where ever you are…
Dan: Hey Josh, you still have “My Heart will go on” as my ringer, don’t you?
Josh: Yep. You’re the one that made the mistake of signing along to it last time.
Dan: It was karaoke!
Josh: You didn’t have to pick the song…
Dan: I didn’t, you picked the song! Whatever, have you checked your mail?
Josh: Yeah, got a free sample of the new Tide!.
Dan: Great, all I got was a coupon book…did you get a bill from Dr. Praline?
Josh: The limey? Maybe…oh yeah, here it is…
Dan: Open the envelope. Are you seeing what I’m seeing?
Josh: $250 for the consulting session. Rip-off. $6.79 for “additional expenses?” What the heck are those?
Dan: The blowtard billed us for our BK!
Josh: What a wanker…okay gotta, go, almost to the scene…
Dan: The Painting?
Dan: Be over in 5.
Josh: Okay, but Kate waits for no man!
And there you have it, a debate that actually has a little debate in it…would you like a little debate in you?
Until next Friday remember our motto…Laughter is better than a kick in the jimmy.