Sports Yo Momm-entary

6. Yao Ming    Two words: Tall. And tall.

7. Kobe Bryant   Kobe, with his immense array of all-around skills and stubborn refuse-to-lose complex, makes your team a mortal lock to avoid Stephen A. Smith. But he wants to dominate individually, so don't count on meeting the season ticket/Chipotle requirements.

8. Allen Iverson   Why doesn't anybody seem as impressed with Iverson as I am? He's among the league leaders in both scoring and assists, which should be mutually exclusive. I'd have him in my top six or seven players in the league this season. But a big part of his value is his ability to get to the free throw line, and Iverson would tear out his cornrows before he'd call a foul in a pick-up game. He would.

9. Tim Duncan   Tim is better than the ninth player in the league. Don't worry. But in the YMCA style of play, you have to be able to run the floor faster than he's able to. Plodding upcourt, and being able to set up on the low block in a systematic offense is only about sixty percent as effective as it is in the NBA.

10. Shawn Marion  A jack-of-all trades, Marion is an awesome finisher on the fast break, and he can guard anybody. Ideally, he's a role player on a good team (smart move whining your way out of Phoenix, Shawn), but his chameleon skills make him really valuable here.

11.  Chris Bosh   Stephen A. Smith, providing color for the game, puts on his angry lecturing face. He's got this to say about Bosh: "Quite frankly, I know a thing or two about the game of bask-et-ball. And this young fella's got everything you'd want in a big man, ok-ay?" Efforts are doubled upon realizing that this is who the losing team has to spend the night with.

12. Jason Kidd   Kidd has better court vision and chess skills (the ability to see the play unfold before it happens. Never heard that term before? I just made it up) than anybody in the league. Everybody would be getting easy lay-ups. But to be higher on this list, you've got to provide at least two good skills. As a liability on defense and a below-average shooter, J-Kidd doesn't do that.

13. Dirk Nowitzki   Good size, usually a lights-out scorer from everywhere on the court. That's about it though. He's soft on the boards and on D, and he won't take over late if your team needs him to win the game for you. Still, an immense talent, and you could do a lot worse.

14. Dwayne Wade   Awesome get-to-the-basketability (just made that one up, too) but has the same problem as Iverson only more so. Wade shoots more FTs than anybody ever (no research to back that up, just talkin' out of my butt), which would present a problem. Even if he did call his own fouls, which nobody does, he'd just start with the ball on the top of the key again. That's the way it works.

15. Gilbert Arenas  When he's healthy, he's right on par with Kobe as far as one-dimensional scoring goes. He gets hot, and he'll score until they turn the gym lights off. He's not a good passer or floor general, though, and an average defender.

So there you have it. An ultimate, thourougly thought-out, definitive list. Don't try to argue, because you're wrong.


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