Posted by:
The Ram

The Cincinnati Bengals have released their travel itinerary for the next month.  This time of year NFL scouts and coaches attend "Pro Days" to get a first hand look at exciting prospects who hope to be drafted into the NFL on the weekend of April 26th.  The Bengals itinerary has raised a few eyebrows around the league for its unorthodox approach.  We take you now live to Bengals headquarters where Head Coach Marvin Lewis is addressing a group of reporters:


Lewis: "...and we feel that this will give us a competitive advantage over other teams."

Reporter1: "Coach, are you sure about this?  I mean most teams choose to attend the USC Pro Day because they want a second look at their talent?"

Lewis: "I know that's what most teams do.  But we're not trying to be most teams here.  We're trying to be the best.  And to be the best, you going to have to do things better than your competition."

Reporter2: "But Coach Lewis you're not attending ANY Pro Days from the major Universities.  I've never even heard of the Colleges you plan to be attending.  Where exactly is Kern Valley State?"

Lewis: "Kern Valley State is in Delano, California.  We have some leads on some really great prospects there that really fit with what we do here."

Reporter2: "Ok, what about Angola State?  Why will you be visiting there instead of LSU?"

Lewis: "Well we need toughness on this team.  We also need guys who are going to fit in with the locker room chemisty we have here.  That's very important to us.  We're no longer bringing in guys who won't fit with the plan we have in place.  We've tried that, and it hasn't worked."

Reporter3: "Wait a minute, Attica is on your travel itinerary?  Attica is not a University.  It's a Federal Prison."

Lewis: "Your point being?"

Reporter2:  "Wait a minute are all of these visits you have scheduled just Prisons?"

Lewis: "I wouldn't call them "just prisons" there are some extremely talented individuals there that we really feel could help our team in 5-10 years, sooner with good behavior."

Reporter1: "Convicts?  I thought you just said you were getting rid of bad chemistry guys?"

Lewis: "Huh?  No I said we were getting rid of guys who don't fit in with our locker room."

Reporter1: " going to draft a bunch of Cons?"

Lewis: "Look, you want toughness, right?  Perseverence?  What better place to find that?  Besides, if we draft some nerd from an Ivy league school, how long is he gonna last in our locker room before he gets shanked?  I need guys in there that know how to scrap, fight, and file thier toothbrushes into weapons to defend themselves.  They teach that to those college boys?"

Reporter2: "Um...I guess not.  But aren't you worried about public backlash?  Will the fans support a team of convicts?"

Lewis: "You ever see the Longest yard?  Were you cheering for the convicts?  End of story."

Reporter1: "Coach, that was a movie."

Lewis: "What?"

Reporter1: "It wasn't real"

Lewis: "I saw it happen jack@s$!!!  I watched it on my TV at home.  It's not like they can fake that stuff, you know!"

Reporter2: "O....k....moving along...What positions are you focusing on in this years draft?"

Lewis: "Drunk driver, rapist, and axe murderer.  We've definitely got some holes at those positions on this squad."

Reporter2: "What?  I meant on the field!"

Lewis:  "So did I?  What's wrong with you?  Look I gotta go.  Our scouting department has a tip on a guy over in Leavenworth.  Word his he's really athletic and has a cannon for an arm."

Reporter3: "Isn't Mike Vick being held there?  You're seriously scouting Mike Vick?"

Lewis: "Why not?  He's got all the attributes this team is looking for.  Think of the team building exercises he would bring to our club."

Reporter2: "Should I alert the SWAT team?"

Lewis: "What?"

Reporter2: "Never mind."

Lewis: "That's what I thought."

Lewis then boards the team charter.  Later the plane makes an emergency landing in Las Vegas for Nicholas Cage who was yelling something about a bunny.





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