Well, the news has come down from on high that Brett Favre is retiring from the NFL. If this is the first you’re hearing of it…where have you been? If you rely on Dan and Josh to get you your sports info, well, you’re not the drunkest guy at the bar than…wait…that doesn’t really work…how about…smelliest pig on the farm? Nah..let’s just go with “Sharpest tool in the shed”…the old stand by…the cliché….
Funny that I should mention cliché, as this debate features a master of he cliché…
[Scene: Two men, one with a moustache and sideburns and one with a beard, both wearing lab coats and stethoscopes, approach a door. On the door is written “Dr. J. Rosenblumenfarbenstein, Therapist.” The men look around warily.]
Dan: I think it’s clear. [Rips off the mustache and sideburns] Ow. Stupid spirit gum.
Josh: [attempting to tear off beard] This thing is on really tight!
Dan: Josh, it’s real.
Josh: Oh, right….
Dan: You sure this guy won’t be in today?
Josh: No, he gave his entire staff the day off for helping Judi Dench get over her porn addiction.
Dan: All right, then, give me your credit card; I’ll try to break in.
Josh: Why not yours?
Dan: It’s maxed out.
[Josh hands Dan the Visa and Dan gets to work carding the door. After a few tries, he hasn’t succeeded.]
Josh: Here, let me try.
[Josh uses the door handle to support himself as he squats down, the handle turns and the door opens.]
Dan: Huh. I must have tripped it without realizing.
Josh: Or maybe you should check and see if it’s unlocked next time. Well, we’re in.
[Josh and Dan enter, look around the office. There is a couch, a Zen rock garden, a number of fake plants, a desk with an antique wingback chair, and a huge row of file cabinets.]
Dan: Dear God.
Josh: Let’s hope this guy alphabetizes.
Dan: Looks like it.
Josh: All right, you start looking in the W’s; I want to check something else out.
[Dan starts thumbing through the last drawer, labeled West-Wuhrer. Josh looks in the first one, labeled Abdul-Ali]
Dan: Sweet. First one in here is Adam West’s. Exhibits an irrational fear of Christian Bale.
Josh: Holy crap, look at Marv Albert’s file. This thing’s thicker than… I don’t know, some book I haven’t read because it’s too damn long.
Dan: Bleak House?
Josh: What the frick is Bleak House?
Dan: It’s Dickens, that’s all you need to know. What are you looking for anyway?
Josh: As I suspected. No Jessica Alba file.
Dan: She’s too boring to have issues, it makes sense. Our dear friend Kate, however…[Dan extracts a file]
Josh: Just a moment, Dan. Do you realize what we’re about to do?
Dan: Other than break the law?
Josh: Yeah, that’s par for the course. We are about to get a glimpse into the mind of the woman of our dreams. We will know everything about her, what she likes, what she’s afraid of, what fetishes she has—
Dan: Can I open it yet?
Josh: Fine, don’t savor the moment.
Dan: [opens file] What the heck? It’s just a bunch of drawings of her. Bad ones, too. I think it’s supposed to be Kate naked on the couch.
Josh: Leonardo Di Caprio, he’s not.
Dan: I think our therapist has some of the same issues we do.
Josh: Well, this was a waste of time.
Dan: Are you kidding me? We’re still here, in the offices of Hollywood’s favorite shrink. There’s got to be plenty of fun stuff to check out, we’ve got all day! To the files!
[There is a knock on the door]
Josh and Dan: Oh, f**k.
Josh: Should we hide?
Josh: This is stupid.
Dan: Crap. I just realized something.
Dan: Shrinks don’t wear lab coats.
[the door opens, and a large, elderly but menacing man lumbers in]
John Madden: Which one of you is Dr. Rosenducken?
Josh and Dan: I am.
Dan: Er... yes. I'm Dr. Rosen, and this is my associate, Dr. Ducken. And you're... John Madden. Standing right here, in the mounds and mounds of flesh. So, um... What can we do for you?
Madden: I've lost a loved one.
Josh: Did your spouse die? Parent? Child? Dog? Gnome?
Dan: Al Michaels?
Josh: Um, your broadcast partner.
Madden: Nah, Summerall is in Florida this week
Dan: [to Josh] Well, on the bright side, I don't think we're busted.
Josh: [to Dan] Well, it's no secret he's been going through the motions for years.
Madden: So I've been feeling lousy. And the thing about feeling lousy is you never feel happy when you're feeling lousy. So I keep eating to try and feel better. I was at Taco Bell and asked for a Gordita, a Chalupa, and a hard taco, and put the taco in the Chalupa, and the Chalupa in the Gordita, and created a Gordacolupa, but even that didn't make me feel better.
Josh: Well, you missed the Burrito...without the Burrito it's just not the same
Madden: I heard from Greg Gumbel that Marv Albert got a lot of help here, so I thought I'd see if you could help me with some grief cancelling.
Dan: You still haven't answered - who did you lose?
Madden: [tearing up] He looked like he was having so much fun out there!
Dan: Dear God. He's talking about Favre.
Josh: [to Dan] You expected someone else?
[to Madden] That's it; first thing to do is admit your feelings.
[to Dan] First thing to do is start rolling tape
[to Madden] John, why don't you stretch out on the couch here?
Dan: [to Josh] Tape recorder in the desk. It's rolling.
Josh: [To Dan] This quack has got to have film some where...we need to find that for a variety of reasons.
Dan: [to Josh] I'll keep looking.
[Madden sits down on couch, and stretches out. Dan carefully starts searching the room for a video camera, hidden or otherwise]
Josh: Comfy, John?
Madden: Yes, this couch reminds me of the Madden Cruiser.
Josh: Fantastic, so you feel right at home. Now...
Madden: Nah, I mean it smells of sex and motor oil.
Dan: The sex smell is from me, the motor oil from this grease monkey [gestures to Josh]
Josh: That's just how I roll...
Madden: Oh, you're a couple?
Dan: No…why would you even think that?
Madden: I see someone isn’t in tune with his feelings…[to Josh] I'm sorry he's not comfortable with the relationship Dr. Ducken. It can be hard when you're the only one committed to a relationship
Dan: We're here to talk about you, John. Tell us. Why do you think Favre is actually going to stay retired?
Dan: It's quite obvious it's all just a publicity stunt. He'll play, mark my words.
Madden: You really think? I mean...that would mean...
Josh: Well, we should be careful about getting our hopes up...this is a delicate time for you John.
Madden: ...But think if he were to come back, it could be just like old times. I bet he would smile again...and ....
Dan: There it is!
[Dan pulls back a book and a door opens up. He walks in, and there are sounds of switches flipping. Finally there is a quiet hum that can just be heard if all goes quiet. Dan walks back into the room, and replaces the book.]
Josh: [to Dan] Film?
Dan: [to Josh] Check...and the library back there will be worth hours of fun.
Josh: John, let's get down to brass tacks...why are you really here?
Madden: [with a far off look in his eye, mumbling to no one] Favre is like a linebacker playing QB...Brett, let's grab some chow...No one else plays the game like Favre...Want a ride in the Madden cruiser?...[Suddenly realizes that both Josh and Dan are staring at him] Did you say something?
Dan: John if you want to get better, you need to open up to us.
Josh: I must concur with my partner John.
Madden: Ha! I knew it, you are a couple!
Josh: John, we're not talking about me and Dr. Rosen...we're talking about you and Brett. Let's explore your relationship.
Madden: Well, it's just... that... I'm so confused.
Dan: Well, we all knew that, you've been confused ever since you switched to Sunday Night Football.
Madden: Since I what?
Dan: Never mind. So what, in particular, are you confused about?
Madden: Well, I knew I'd have to say goodbye to Brett someday. That's how it goes.
Josh: That's good, I'm glad you realize that.
Madden: What I want to know is... how long should I wait before I start thinking about other people?
Dan: You can't help thinking about other people; there are tons of other quarterbacks in the sea.
Josh: Yeah, the Bears have several you could think about.
Madden: But they won't be like Brett.
Dan: Stop talking about Favre like it's over! How naive are you people? He just wants to skip training camp again, like everyone else who's been in the league ten years or more.
Josh: John, maybe it's time you start seeing what is out there...
Madden: Dr. Rosen, do you really think it's not over?
Dan: Obviously, I keep saying it.
Madden: So I shouldn't be thinking about other people yet, right?
Josh: Have you thought about Tony Romo? He's broken up with Jessica now...[to Dan] he has, hasn't he?
Dan: I don't follow that crap.
Madden: How did you know?
Dan: Wait... you were ALREADY thinking about Romo, weren't you? That's why you're bringing all this up!
Josh: And that's who you started thinking of? Good lord man, I was joking!
Madden: Well, he's a lot like Brett. He's got that gunslinger mentality...
Dan: That's the last time you're allowed to use the words "gunslinger mentality." Ever. I'm serious.
Josh: Try, "Jesse James Attitude"...people will think you're smart.
Dan: Or “Doc Holliday Persona.”
Josh: Okay, forget the looking smart part...
Dan: Yeah, not your bag probably.
Madden: I thought about Romo...but then he ran around with that little strumpet...and fell apart in the playoffs....well...Brett would never do that.
Dan: Yeah, Brett Favre would never throw a game-ending interception costing his team their playoff lives.
Madden: That's what I mean...Brett always rises to the occasion...throws caution to the wind, and leads his team to victory!
Dan: His interceptions would never be the reason his team lost at home to Michael Vick and the Falcons in the playoffs.
Madden: Nah, was never interested in Vick...too...
Josh: Fast? Let’s just go with fast, don’t want any Limbaugh quotes coming out of your mouth.
Dan: Look, I'll never say Favre is one of the top quarterbacks of all time, unless I had the word "twenty-five" after "top." But he may have had one of the best careers in NFL history. So I don't want to take away from him. Besides, he's still got a year or two left. Once Mississippi life, or wherever he and Deanna live these days, gets boring for him. Since Dee's a hottie, I'll give him a month or two.
Madden: I have considered Ben Roethlisberger...but his name is so hard to say....
Josh: But Fav-ra isn't hard at all.
Dan: You didn't hear a word I said, did you?
Dan: Either of you!
Josh: I only heard the important stuff...Deanna is a hottie...and that's it.
Madden: Ben is really big though...so that's nice...big strong QB...
Dan: For God's sake, someone tell me why you all are buying into this "it's really over" stuff!
Josh: Cause Brett said it, duh.
Dan: I heard he wasn't even at the press conference!
Josh: Was his agent there with a Ventriloquist dummy?
Madden: But I heard about it...I heard he was retiring with my own ears...
Josh: What about Derek Anderson? He’s got that “Billy the Kid mind-set”
Dan: You trust your ears? Aren't they clogged with chicken grease by now?
Madden: I haven't eaten JUST a chicken in like 20 years.
Dan: Look, why would Favre retire when he can still play? He's going to keep throwing footballs until his arm falls off, because that's what he does. He's not a coach, and he's not an announcer or TV talk show personality.
Madden: Wait...do you think I could get him to work the booth with me? That would be the greatest...I could talk about how great it was to watch him play, and he would be right there!
Dan: Did you hear what I just said?! He's NOT cut out for TV.
Madden: "Romo doesn't throw like you used to Brett" [mimicking Brett's voice] "Thanks John, I played for your enjoyment."
Josh: [To Dan] It's safe to say, this guy is fargin' nuts.
Dan: [to Josh] I have a feeling this thing is about to snowball.
Madden: The one thing I admire about you, Brett, is your toughness. You're just so tough. Like five-year old jerky.
Josh: Hey, Vince Young has a “Wyatt Earp make-up”
Dan: [mimicking Brett's voice] Just like you, John, I never miss a day on the job. We have so much in common.
Josh: [to Dan] I'll go check the film, make sure we're getting all this...
[Josh goes directly to the correct book, pulls it back, and walks through the secret door. Several shouts of joy, and a few minutes pass, and Josh returns, closing the secret door on his way out]
Madden: Haha, you're right Brett, that's what I love about you, always in the game, never miss a beat. Why then did you retire? Why Brett, why!!??
[Madden breaks into tears, starts clutching at Dan's leg]
Dan: Dear God.
Josh: Dr. Rosen, you can't leave the big guy hanging, give him closure...
Dan: [impersonating Favre] John, it's me. Brett. I have a secret for you. I'm coming back. I can't stand to see anyone else running the offense in Green Bay. Aaron Rodgers can kiss my--
Josh: You're not helping.
Madden: You can't keep doing this, Brett! You have to let us know, for sure, one way or the other! Stop pulling my heartstrings every which way!
Dan: [still as Favre] That's why I'm telling you. You and only you, John. You were always my favorite television personality, even though you never put me on the cover of your video games.
Madden: I didn't want to curse you!
Dan: [still as Favre] And I appreciate the gesture. The Streak is all thanks to you.
Madden: I knew it!
Josh: Look at the big guy; I've never seen his smile so big....
Madden: I told those morons at EA, "you put Brett on the cover, and I walk...that's it, no more cash cow for you bozos"...I stood up for you Brett...it was all me!
Madden: I even cursed Donovan McNabb and Daunte Culpepper to get you in the NFC Pro Bowl!
Josh: [to Dan] Good lord, this is money...YouTube here we come...keep him talking...
Dan: [still as Favre] Tell me about your shrine to me. Its okay, John, I know.
Madden: It's five miles wide and it's in the shape of a 4! Down each corridor are pictures of you and videos playing clips of your press conferences! I've lit a candle for every touchdown pass you've thrown, and the record-breaker is a big green and yellow one! And they never go out; I have a staff of fifty people making sure the candles are always lit!
[Door opens, head pokes around the door]
Brett Favre: Um, hi guys, what's going on?
Josh: Ah, Brett, you got my text message
[Josh signals to Brett, who enters and closes the door]
Madden: Brett! [Looking back and forth between Dan and Favre] There are two of you?! That explains it! One of you will retire, and one will keep playing!
Dan: No, John, it's me, Dr. Rosen, remember? You were projecting.
Josh: Sort of like you do with a telestrator.
Madden: I don't believe you, you're both Brett Favre.
Favre: So... a shrine, huh?
Josh: Brett, not sure if you want to go down that path man...
Madden: Yes, it's glorious; you have to come check it out! I really admire its toughness. You all should come and see it!
Josh: Um...well...the thing is...
Dan: I have a thing...
Favre: John, are you sure it's truly ready for me to see it? This is your one shot...is it really ready?
Madden: Of course...well...I should check the candles...and the projector tends to shut itself off...maybe...okay...listen, I'll run over there, and call you when it's ready! What's your cell number?
Madden: Got it! Okay, you guys just sit tight; I'll call you in a bit!
[Madden hustles out of the office, loud footsteps can be heard down the stairs and a door is slammed open. In the distance a bus revs its engine and peels out.]
Dan: You’re not seriously going to visit the shrine?
Favre: Nah, I do this to him every few months…he gets so excited and worked up…then I don’t show…and he seems to drink himself into oblivion or something, cause the next day he doesn’t remember a thing.
Dan: This isn’t the first time you’ve heard of the shrine? Or his efforts to help the streak?
Josh: Yeah, when I mentioned to Brett we were busting into this place today, he told me to be on the lookout for Madden. I shot Brett a text as soon as Madden walked through the door.
Dan: So... Brett... you want to check out John Elway's file?
Favre: Nah, Josh said something about film on Kate Winslet in his text...
Josh: Yeah, Dan, didn't get a chance to mention it, found reams of footage back there of Kate, knew Brett would want in.
Dan: Screw the files - to the secret room!
All 3: The Secret Room!
Josh: So Brett, you going to retire?
Favre: How many hours of Winslet vids did you have?
Josh: My count was about 200 hours.
Favre: That should get me through Training Camp….from there; we’ll just have to see….
Dan: Josh, did you bring the Guinness?
[Dan stops to let both Brett and Josh enter the secret room]
Josh: The Doctor has us covered, fridge full of it in the corner.
Dan: I’m starting to like this shrink.
Favre: Well boys, flip on the films, throw a beer and let’s get this party started! One thing…
Josh and Dan: What’s that?
Favre: You tell Deanna, and you’re both dead.
Dan: I can drink to that.
All 3: To not telling the wives!
[There’s a knock at the door…Josh and Dan jump]
Favre: Ah, that would be the Buffalo wings…took the liberty on the way over…
Dan: Wow, now I see what Madden saw in you…
Josh: Dan, stop drooling and get the wings.
[Dan goes to get the wings, Josh hits play on the DVD]
Favre: [Lifting his Guinness] Here’s to retirement.
Josh: To retirement! [Both lift glasses and then take a long sip] Ah….make sure to keep stringing Dan along, he thinks you’re still going to play. Let the little guy have his dreams.
Favre: You got it, I love playing pranks on rookies…can’t wait till Training camp.
Will Brett hang them up for good? Is he just the latest superstar to pull the Roger Clemens trick? Will John Madden make it through till tomorrow? What mysteries were revealed in the 200 hours of Kate Winslet video? Can you pay to see Madden’s Favre shrine? Does anyone want Buffalo Wings?
The answers to all these questions and more…when we return from commercial.