FanNation - The Republic of Sport

This week the fantastically insipid broadcaster Joe Buck stepped down from his duties as play-by-play announcer for the St. Louis Cardinals in order to focus more of his time towards being the main play-by-play analyst for Fox Sports. However, today a source of the Blue Monkey Disco Party found out that Buck had no plans to return to the Cardinals or even to Fox, but is set to retire from sports reporting all together in order to pursue his lifelong passion of being a BINGO caller in Salt Lake City. We decided to check in with Buck to see what was really going on.

"The sound of the balls carelessly careening through the roller. The soft fluttering of ink stamps as I yell out F-19. The soft hum of the old folks on their hover rounds. I love it. You just can't get this type of lethargy anywhere else and you can't get anyone more boring to call a game this boring than me. It's like we were made for each other." Buck said when asked about his career change.

We asked why he was giving it up now in the midst of the prime of his broadcast career. Sports seemed like his calling, his father has been a popular sports announcer, he had been a popu...announced sports, so why would he give it all up now and move away to somewhere like Utah.

"Why Salt Lake City? Because it's me, it's my style. No personality, mundane, severely understated, no alcohol, no strip clubs, it's boring, it's no fun, it's...me."

We wondered "Why not report for the Jazz or one of Salt Lake's other sports teams, like--The Jazz" which Joe of course replied "Everybody knows I was bored to death reporting sports. Have you ever listened to a game I called? I couldn't care less what was going on because I actually couldn't care less about what's going on. My passion is the tedium and banality of BINGO! BINGO BABY! If there was anything I was more suited for, I just don‘t know what it would be."

When we then inquired about an example of some of what a BINGO callers finer moments would entail, Buck actually slightly raised his voice to a semi-enthusiastic level and replied:

"You gotta feel the excitement when some 78 year old retiree screams a raspy voiced "BINGO!" right before she has a massive coronary and we have to break out the defibrillators. Listen to how mundane I make the miraculous sound. Hear how I can make the most complex and amazing athletes seem as though they are just run of the mill Joe Nobody schmucks? Old people eat that demeanor up. No loud noises, no boisterous crowds to interfere with my soothing voice. These people love me because of who I really am, which is just an average caller who won't make any sudden movements or raise my voice to a level that would scare their grandchildren and/or cats."

We couldn't in our right mind believe JB wouldn't miss the fun and excitement of getting pumped up to telecast football on Sunday's with Troy Aikman. The atmosphere, the adrenaline, living every child's fantasy of hanging out and talking sports with their favorite professional athletes. But, apparently not Joe...

"This is basically the same thing. I'm up on the podium reporting the action in my most lifeless and monotonous voice possible, while some old guy standing next to me with a I got nothing going on upstairs look on his face drools all over himself and keeps mumbling incoherently while I‘m calling out numbers. So it‘s kinda like baseball season with Tim McCarver, except by ‘kinda,' I mean ‘exactly.' The only difference between Troy and Tim is that at least Aikman has a reason to sound like he‘s suffered from multiple concussions. I mean Aikman has taken more shots to the head than a whack-a-mole machine at a Chuck E. Cheese. During commercial breaks we have an intern come in and put a mirror under his nose to make sure he‘s still breathing. He dozed off during a commercial once and we called the EMT. Even though he's not even playing football anymore the guy has to wear a helmet if he gets within 60 yards of a football stadium. That's actually part of our insurance policy. Bingo is light years better than football and baseball. Most of these BINGO fanatics may suffer from the same debilitating health problems as my Fox counterparts, but trust me when I say that these senior citizens are my core fan base..."

After being queried into what he would miss most about broadcasting live sporting events Joe merely replied, "Secretly belittling every single thing the Boston Red Sox ever accomplished." Apparently he feels the same way about people "jumping the gun" which in BINGO terms means a player yells out BINGO before actually having BINGO. This is much like what Joe would do to the Red Sox, even if the game was over and the Red Sox had won, Joe would always find a way to make it sound like Boston had somehow come up short during the telecast. Especially when they beat the Yankees...

"I'd love to just deck those people who jump the gun..." said Buck, "...but I just don't have the energy to do anything more than stand sill for hours on end in a drab suit and give uninspired commentary on the many exciting things going on around me. Now if you'll excuse me, it's Mormon Women's League Night and if I keep them waiting they'll threaten to banish me to a hell that unbeknownst to me is actually somewhere OUTSIDE of Salt Lake City."

And off he shuffled into the small church auditorium where one could hear the faint rumblings of a life alert bracelet. A far cry from the baseball cathedrals and football coliseums he had become so accustomed to. A man in search of his dreams in city by the lake. A man who had found his calling, in calling.

Goodbye to the man who gave us the call on McGwire's 62nd home run, the tepid call on the Eli to Tyree Super Bowl catch and countless hours of enthralling banter with the likes of Chris Myers, Tim McCarver and Troy Aikman. Who will we get our lifeless, humdrum commentary from come Sunday next year? At this point we are too broken up to follow up on that lead. But if this reporter was to guess, I'd say Comedy Central might just have to unfreeze Ben Stein.