To my elementary school, Orenthal James Simpson Elementary!
There are about 400 kids in the school, ranging from grades kindergarten-5th grade. The school is made up mostly of kids from L.A. and Buffalo, although some lived in Honolulu, Hollywood, and of course, Grand Rapids, Iowa. Hollywood, Florida, by the way.
The teachers haven't left the school in decades. Average age: 72. They lived in poor, run-down houses, and left their spouses.
I had a couple friends. Blake Griffin. Nick Calathes. Oh, and my best friend, Corbin Bleu from High School Musical.
The school was big on sports, especially football. All the kids wanted to be like O.J. They were running like him and showing off their stuff. This kid Moreno, Knowshon Moreno, who plays for Georgia, was the best.
I remember playing against him once.
We were out on the playground. Me, Griffin, Bleu, Calathes. And Knowshon.
So Knowshon is lining up in the backfield. I say to him, Hey, you can't run the ball.
He says, Who said I can't?
I say, It's not fair. You need 2 completions for a first down. A run isn't a completion.
Knowshon says, I don't give a s*** what you say, I'mma line up here anyway.
So I give it a rest and let him play his game.
On first down, the QB, Hurricane Chris, hands off to Knowshon. He gets 3 yards.
Then Knowshon gets all fired up. He points at me.
Boy, he says, you can't be holding on to Malakar's shirt. That's a penalty.
Sanjaya Malakar looks innocent. I'm busted.
And then I finally wake up.
That is the end of Volume I of Sports Fantasies. Don't forget the period.