First off, this guy can trip while running with scissors.
Hey, I’m Casey, the Camera guy for the College Tour Guy. You might remember me from such classic tour guy episodes as swearing elderly lady, and absent-minded sorority girl. For this go around of the CTG I’m keeping a blog of my experience with Dan. Dan and I went to college in Oregon together, now I live in New York, I don't like Eli Manning, and I’m an elitist because I don’t like The Cheesecake Factory. I think that about sums it up.
Here are some fun facts about Dan:
- He drives a rental car like Eddie Griffin drives a Ferrari.
- He is akin to Pete Sampras at table tennis.
- If given the choice between Horchata and Orange Cream, he chooses Orange Cream.
- He secretly likes USC football.
- He never misses an opportunity to club baby seals.
- He does not believe in the formative power of breakfast.*
- (*Unless they are serving Shrimp and Seal Chorizo poached eggs.)
As much as I would like to pull a Peter King and let you know about all things gastrointestinal and New Jersey Transit related in my life, I’ll keep this focused on something we all despise more than Crocs and Reggaeton combined.
It was easy to see why the Dukies are so reviled. While we were in Krzyzewskiville I felt like I was hanging out at a career fair meet and greet with a bunch of HR people. These people like sports? Really? You enjoy sleeping in a tent in the dead of winter? Someone is paying over $48,000 a year for you to go to school and become a corporate lawyer whose favorite movie is Shanghai Knights. Don’t break the mold! Shouldn’t you be indoors, wearing flip-flops with socks on, drinking Metamucil, and having a debate with your roommate over of the scientific validity of the flux capacitor? Isn’t this why you went to Duke? If you wanted a life of mediocrity you would have gone to Arizona State, highlighted your hair, majored in sociology, and had the same conversation, only about the feasibility of creating an inverted gravity beer bong.
All that being said, I went to school at Oregon. If a prize recruit doesn’t choose our school, we threaten their life, and call their grandmother a proprietor of the oldest profession on earth. Obviously I have the moral high ground to throw stones.
A couple quick Duke factoids* to round this out. (*And by factoids I mean things I made up.)
By taking a tour of the Blue Devils Hall of Fame I learned that the two most successful Duke alumni were the late Richard Milhouse Nixon, and former intercontinental WWF champion, Razor Ramon.
Sources revealed to us that J.J. Reddick had a nasty case of backne while at Duke. Apparently he sought out the help of renowned Manhattan dermatologist, Dr. Zizmor to cure his epidermal stigma. Unfortunately it came with a price. By granting him his wish of clean pores, the doctor took away his most valuable asset. His flopping ability. Hence J.J’s floundering professional acting/basketball career. Damn you, Zizmor!
I will provide my rankings though:
1.) Bullocks – Baby Back Ribs Family Style/Slaw/Fried Chix/Pulled Pork/
2.) The Q Shack – Brisket Sandwich/Fried Okra/Mac & Cheese
3.) Cookout – Cajun Chicken Sandwich/Mint Choc Chip Shake
4.) Bojangles – Chicken Tenders/Resulting Stomach Flatulence
Extra points for Bullocks for being on the good side of "The Balladeer."
Well, I’m writing this on an hour and a half of sleep at the Raleigh-Durham airport. Thank you day light savings, and Dan for your early west coast flight.