I was off on business for five days, which prevented me from watching ESPN for about the same amount of time. And though I spent the week in Charlotte, surrounded by endless sports hype for the ACC Tournament, I’m only now getting caught up on the week’s baseball news.

Apparently, our Mets have been busy creating internet buzz and trying to squelch rumors of possible serious injuries, because very little of what I’ve read today had to do with on-field baseball.

Let’s catch up…

————————————

1. Barry Bonds to the Mets?
This one came in early this week, and thankfully, it seems like speculation and nothing more. It couldn’t really happen, because the only hat at Shea that could fit Bonds’ juice-blown cranium is the one that sits in center field holding a large apple. If Omar Minaya thinks that it’s a good idea to replace a 42-year old possessing bad legs with a 43-year old possessing shrunken ‘nads, he needs to be fired and beaten severely. The G-DOPE (Genuinely Dependent on Performance Enhancers) should ride off into the sunset, or off a tall cliff. At the very least, he could go to Japan, and let us forget about him already.

Besides, just think of how big his troglodyte noggin would seem over there.

[People who still want to beat the rotting horse corpse about the effects of steroids, please take your arguments to someone who actually cares. Saying that Barry Bonds “allegedly” used steroids is like saying Cheetos are “allegedly” fattening. Move along…]

2. The Yankees-Rays Brawl
As a baseball fan, I believe it’s good for the game that AL East rivalries may finally be shifting. As a Mets’ fan, I think it’s hilarious that they are now rivals with the Rays.

3. Mike Hampton
Similar to what I wrote above, I think I sum up how everyone feels when I say, “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” He may go down as the first ever pitcher to retire due to complications from osteoporosis. Again, Mets’ fans are smiling due to some hilarious cases of schadenfreude (look it up).

4. The Mets Outfielder Search
Rather than try and analyze (and over-analyze) all the reasons the Mets should/should not obtain the following candidates to replace Moises Alou, let’s just bullet out a quick list of who I’ve heard discussed for the job, and what I think of them:

• Kenny Lofton - No; old, declining bat
• Jay Payton - No; deja-vu
• Randy Winn - No; just no…
• Sammy Sosa - No; if I have to explain, you’re better off with the hacks at Hometown Nine
• Barry Bonds - No; see above, then kick your own ass for considering it
• Marcus Thames - No; overrated
• Endy Chavez - No; needs to be on the bench
• Angel Pagan - Yes; he’s already here, and hitting .428
• Fernando Martinez - Soon…oh, so soon

Let’s not overthink this one, guys. If the guy is showing how well he can play, and started out in the Mets’ organization, give it a shot already.

5. Carlos Delgado 0-5, Five Whiffs this Spring
It’s no coincidence that the Mets’ official website is doing a feature on Mike Carp. Nope…no coincidence at all.

6. Jose Reyes is on the cover of MLB 2K8…
…and MLB 2K8 sucks worse than a **** with asthma. Pray that this doesn’t become the new “Madden curse.” Seriously, pray.

7. Mike Pelfrey v2.008 look an awful lot like the previous version
The spring line: 16 hits, six walks and nine runs through 13 innings. How long before a “can’t miss” prospect becomes a “never was” failure? More importantly, how come the Mets are being so lax about the fifth starter slot when Pelfrey is struggling, and Duque is asking his 52-year old frame to learn a new throwing motion?

8. Scott Schoeneweis is still a Met
It’s not news. I’m just sick over watching another summer of painful 5+ ERA middle relief.

9. Luis Castillo is hiding just how much pain he’s in…
…and being that Ruben Gotay is likely to be included in any last minute trades this offseason, we may be seeing a lot of everyday play by two guys who were supposed to bolster the bench (Easley and Anderson). If only the Mets had a clubhouse trainer who could find a way to accelerate healing…wait…nevermind.

10. Carlos Beltran is…happy?
There is no better lifestyle adjustment than the birth of a child, and apparently that’s what’s been driving the corners of Carlos’ mouth northward. His teammates say he’s “looser” and more at peace with things. If only we could be at peace with the fact that he’s only played three innings in center this spring, and seems to be tiring far too quickly to be ready for Opening Day.

I suppose his body could be rejecting all those smiles. Time will tell.

There, now I’m caught up. Back with a real post soon.