Let the politicians have their way for once. Embrace political correctness. Take the leap. Change the name of the Washington Redskins to something else. Change is in vogue in Washington, D.C.
Treat this as a gigantic, national brainstorming contest to concoct a new name that makes
everybody feel better about themselves and where we're headed socially and politically. Think of this as a white board session where all ideas are good ideas until everybody starts trashing them for being uninspired, inane, and ill-suited.
To stimulate your mental juices, I'll share some names that have been creeping into my mind since this whole issue surface to rename the Redskins something else. How about the Washington Crosses the Delawares? Picture the logo on the helmets, a burgundy W, gold C, and a white D superimposed over both, blurring the image. A graphical picture would depict George Washington standing on the front of a row boat, facing forward, wearing that trench coat and long, cool boots. OK, maybe not.
Or here's one: the Washington Giants. This would ignite a semi-fierce legal branding controversy between those East Rutherford rhinoceroses who have opened the season, in case you haven't
heard, losing six of six games by a total of 890 points. The Washington Giants lawyers should argue that the New Jersey Giants did not have a patent on the name Giants. They would lose the argument. But it would be fun and time-wasting to watch the NFC East rivals go at it off the field now that the Washington Giants are much better than the New Jersey Giants on the field. One team is spiraling upward, the other plummeting into a deep, gory dungeon.
How about the Norv Turnips? Remember this guy who ruined the Redskins for 10 years just like
turnips do all meals at which they are served? Coach Turnip arrived after the greatest coach ever, Joe Gibbs, quit after bringing the city three Super Bowl Titles. No one likes turnips and, in Washington, D.C., no one likes Norv Turnip. In fact, I haven't even seen turnips on a restaurant menu in my life and am similarly grateful Norv Turnip is no longer an NFL head coach because he never deserved to be. Maybe one night as a kid my Mom served turnips for dinner. That night my Dad swore he loved to eat turnips. Since then I've come to believe he was just messing with me.
The Washington Generals would be worth consideration. Recall the lame basketball squad in the tight and skimpy green shorts the Globetrotters always crushed. It could be an effective sand-bagging ploy, giving yourself a name of a losing franchise so that teams got overconfident playing you. Using the name would be subliminal and subconscious but surprisingly effective. The Washington Generals would sneak up on teams, be better than they expect, and kick them around the football field liked field generals.
For the musicians out there--there are many in the D.C. area and around America--I toss out the team name the Grover Washingtonians. A non-mainstream guy who putout at least one album in the 1980s, Grover Washington could play at the half-time show of every one of the Grover Washingtons games. Although probably90 years old now, he would learn the "Hail to the Grover Washington's" song and play that after every score by the Grover Washingtons. He would become buddy buddy with the Grover Washingtons Hogs, those fat guys with the big pig noses
who wear dresses. Being politically correct, however, Grover would file a petition to change the name of the Grover Washington Hogs because the name offends hogs. This would be a hog wild dispute and everybody likes hog wild stuff.
Then there is this name to consider: the Danny Boys? This team is his team. Hate to break it
to all Washingtonians, but this team does not belong to the Redskins or anyone in Washington. Danny Boy owns it, caresses hit, sleeps with it under his million dollar pillow case. Danny Boy would find it cool to have the team named after him. He would especially enjoy the bit about boys being his players because he thinks he's the only person to have achieved manhood. To him everyone else is a boy. Sadly, the Danny Boys would play terribly because every team in the league would get super jacked up to whip a team called the Danny Boys with an owner as unlikable as Danny Boy.
Channeling Danny Boy's self-absorption, the name "Chuck Hartley's Three Time Super Bowl
Winning Team" holds special appeal for me. This phrase wouldn't fit on a helmet so could be abbreviated to CHTTSBWT. It would be the most innovative helmet image in the history of American and European sports, more edgy than anything the University of Oregon football team has worn. Logo artists would have thetime of their life playing with concepts. Complementing the CHTTSBWT letters, the image would be of me wearing a smug grin with three fingers up, indicating three Super Bowl championships.
Washingtonians would be puzzled if this suggestion turned out to be the name the franchise chose. "Who is Chuck Hartley?" I can see people standing on K Street asking as they waiting for their Metro Bus to arrive at the end of another work day. "I think he was some dude who moved to New Jersey 17 years ago right. He lives in the epicenter of New Jersey Giant fans. Some say living there has made him crazy." "I don't see how this is a valid reason to make his name the new name of our football team." "I don't either but it's a crazy world out there. Strange things happen all the time. Heck, the Redskins allowed Norv Turnip to be the head coach for 10 years. Talk about insanity."
This renaming of the Redskins endeavor should be an impetus for every other NFL team to
change its name. Building brand equity is not important because all these teams make way too much money to begin with. The league needs a face-lift. I would start with the easy one. Change the Dallas Cowboys to the Dallas Cowgirls. Then make the Philadelphia Eagles the Philadelphia Rocky Balboas. Rename the Kansas City Chiefs the Kansas City Redskins. The Green Bay Packers should be the Green Bay Watchers. Loved the red suits in that show. Wouldn't it be interesting if
the Tennessee Titans were called the "Remember the Tennessee Titans" and Denzel Washington became their coach. Matt Schaub would get replaced at quarterback by Ronnie Bass (a.k.a. "Sunshine"), the blonde beach boy from southern California who had a rocket throwing arm and became in mid-season the 1971 T.C. Williams starting QB.
I like the Oakland Maddens, the San Francisco Montanas, the New England Bradytonians, the
Cleveland What Can the Browns Do for You Evers, the Miami Vices, the New York Rexes, the Peyton Places (to replace the Broncos), the Jacksonville Junkpiles, the Phoenix Online Universities, and the St. Louis Golden Arches. Admit it: secretly you, like me, treasure McDonald's drive-thrus.
You get the idea.
Your submissions are due to me by close of business today.