Ok, sports fans. I'm sure you all have a team you despise in your life. For Red Sox Fans it's the Yankees. For all teams in the NFL its the Patriots. For White Sox fans its the Cubs. For Navy fans it's Army. You get my point. In sports, there's hatred between many different teams, including Michigan vs Ohio St fans, Duke vs NC fans and Packers vs Bears just to name a few.
And don't you fans want away of embarrasing your enemy? Don't you love to see them down when you're up? Sports rivalries aren't about friendship. They're about tearing your rival in half for the glory and pride that you get when you do it. Sometimes making fun of your rivals is a great pick-me-up (or Put-em-down) that can really get people goin. Here are some rivalry jokes for you, the people of Fannation.
You could use any sports teams in these jokes. For this blog, though, I will use one rivalry you've probably never heard of: the rivalry between Glasgow Celtic and Rangers, the two best and most competitive teams in Scotland, and one of the best rivalries in Europe, in my mind.
The rivalry between these two clubs is so unbelievably fierce. When the two teams meet, the whole of Scotland will stand still and watch, except for, that is, Rangers and Celtic fans, who consistantly love to badmouth each other on a daily basis.
I've visted boards with Celtic fans, or the occasional Rangers group, and no matter what website I'm on, there's always a Rangers fan badmouthing Celtic. Whether it be calling them "shyte" or sometimes illegible comments that I assume are meant to be degrading and pathetic, it seems they always have something to say. Even on Youtube the fans get angry.
There's even a website where Rangers and Celtic fans can face off and make fun of each other's teams.
Now I'm no Conan O'Brien, but I think these jokes are pretty darn funny, so check em all out.
After seeing all the hatred being exchanged, I feel as though I'm missing out, so without further adieu, I present:
The Sports Fan's Guide on Making Fun of the Enemy
brought to you by the kind people at Clydesdale Bank: the offical sponsor of the SPL
I've seen some pretty hilarious jokes out on the web, and I feel it is only my duty to pass these jokes onto you. Here we go. Prepare to laugh.
A teacher in Glasgow walked into her new class on the first day of school. To impress her new students she asked, "How many of you here are Rangers supporters?" The whole class raised their hand except for one little girl. The teacher walked over to the girl and said, "Who do you support, little girl?" and she replied, "Celtic."
The teacher asked, "Why do you support Celtic?" and the girl replied, "Because my mom and dad do." The teacher smiled and said, "Well if your dad was a **** and your mother was a prostitute what would that make you?" and the girl replied "A Rangers fan."
A Rangers fan and a Celtic fan get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars (with football stickers on windows) are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the Rangers fan says, "So you're a Celtic fan, that's interesting. I'm a Rangers fan... Wow! Just look at our cars. There totally wrecked, but fortunately we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends putting our differences behind us."
The Celtic fan replied," I agree with you completely, this must indeed be a sign from God!" The Celtic fan continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this and celebrate our good fortune."
Then he hands the bottle to the Rangers fan. The Rangers fan nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the Celtic fan. The Celtic fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the Rangers fan.
The Rangers fan asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The Celtic fan grins and then replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
A Rangers fan is out walking his 3 legged greyhound one day when a genie appears and grants him a wish. after thinking for a minute he says 'I want this dog to win the derby'. the genie says 'a three legged dog winning the Derby, cmon be realistic man'. ok says the Rangers fan how about the Rangers winning the champions league?. to which the genie replies ' what was the one about the dog again?'
Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees, asking, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers "241." "That is wonderful," says Albert, "We will talk about the Grand Unification theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss." Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" To which the lady answers "144." "That is great!" responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss." Albert then goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" and the man answers, "42." Albert responds, "So how did Rangers get on this season, huh?"
The Pope, The Queen, and The President Of The United States are in Glasgow for a conference. On the ride to the conference their motorcade passes thousands of people who've lined the streets. The three starts discussing who's the most popular.
The Prez claims he can just wave both his arms back and forth and get a huge response. He leans out the window and starts waving them like mad. The crowd cheers. The Queen, not to be upstaged, claims she can get an even bigger response with less effort. She gives the crowd her little royal wave and gets louder cheers than the Prez did.
The Pope, who's been mostly quiet this whole time, claims he can get the bigger response with the least effort. He reaches under robes, pulls out a Celtic scarf, and hangs it out the window. Naturally, the crowds goes bonkers.
On a tour of Scotland, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the north coast near aberdeen on an impromptu sightseeing trip.
His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Rangers football shirt, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty-foot shark.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Celtic shirts roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilising it instantly.
The other two reached out and pulled the scum hun from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to
Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some hooligan elements and secterianism,bigotry and evil people trying to divide
the glorious Celtic and Rangers, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true.
I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of cultural harmony and could serve as a model on which other peoples could follow."
He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!" "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows **** all about shark hunting. How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?".
A shabby looking young man wearing a Rangers shirt knocks on the pearly gates and asks to be let in. Saint Peter says "I don't know. Have you ever done anything good like given money to the poor?"
"No." replied the Hun
"Helped a widow or orphan?"
"No." replied the Hun
"Helped a little old lady across a street?"
"No." replied the Hun
"Well then, why should I let you in?"
"I did do something very brave once." Said the Hun
"And what was that?" asked Peter
"I went to Parkhead to see an Old Firm game and stood in the stands with the Tims decked in full Rangers gear."
"My, that is brave!. When did you do that?"
"About 3 minutes ago..."
Four football fans were climbing a mountain one day. Each was a fan of a different team and each proclaimed to be the most devoted of all fans of their football team. As they climbed higher they argued as to which one of them was the most devoted of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top the Hearts fan hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Hearts!" as he fell to his doom.
Not wanting to be out done, the Hibs fan threw himself off the mountain, proclaiming "This is for the Hibs!"
Seeing this, the Celtic fan walked over and shouted "This is for the Tims!" and pushed the Rangers fan off the mountain. (Note: Hearts and Hibs are other soccer teams in Scotland. Tims is a nickname for Celtic)
Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty Rangers fans showed up. Never having seen any Rangers supporters at Heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous from the group. A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone." "What? All of the Rangers fans are gone?" asked God. "No" replied Saint Peter "The Pearly Gates!"
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God, "Where were you?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; "Look son, look what I'm after making." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" God replied, "It's another planet but I'm after putting LIFE on it. I've named it earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and South America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a hot spot. Now look over here. I've put a continent of whites in the north and another one with blacks in the south." And then the archangel said, "And what's that green dot there?" And God said "Ahhh, that's Parkhead. Also known as Paradise - That is a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth, beautiful stands, a perfect pitch, an aura of holiness, breathtaking atmosphere, and an exquisite team to grace it. These people here are going to be of great intelligence and they're going to be found exploring the seven seas. They'll be playwrights and poets and singers and songwriters. And I'm going to give them great teams who can play quality football, which they're going to worship and for which people will come from the far corners of the earth to watch. I will give them the blessed, I will give them Jock Stein, Jinky Johnstone, Tommy Burns, Paul McStay, Wim Jansen and James McGrory (all famous Celtic players and coaches) and these men amongst men will lift this club to unlimited glories, and they shall be touched by my hand." Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled, he proclaimed: "Hold on a second, balance, what about balance? You said there was going to be a balance..." God replied wisely: "Wait until you see the plonkers I'm putting next door to them."
Barry Ferguson (a Rangers player) was to meet his new girlfriend outside the Cinema at 7pm.
At 9pm she still hadn't arrived, so he went home furious.
He phoned her up and said, "what the hell's going on here? I waited for 2 hours in the cold for you!"
She said, "I'm no gaun oot wi' you. We're finished".
"Why?" Ferguson asked.
She replied "One of my friends said you're a Pedophile."
"A Pedophile?" cried Ferguson, "that's an awful big word for a seven year old!!"
There are even songs about how much Celtic hates Rangers, including "the Rangers are ****" and "the B*st*rds in Blue" (WARNING: Link contains cursing)
Now I also wanted to put some funny quotes I've found, but every single one of them involved cursing and was inappropriate for this PG-13 rated blog.
But I think you got the picture. It's quite obvious that these fans really hate each other with a passion.
And another great thing I've found about it is that you can really use any rivalry for it. I know most of you probably don't have any Rangers fans you can tell these jokes too, but by small alterations in the story can really shut your buddy's mouth.
If you don't understand some of the terms in these jokes, just ask.
By the way, Celtic's game against Motherwell was Postponed AGAIN, so they didn't play today. That's why I wrote this instead of a match report like usual. Cya later, sports fans.
Rangers fans screaming at Craig Beattie after he scored a goal for Celtic.
Celtic's Alan Thompson before he was red-carded in a game against Rangers.
* Neither Beattie nor Thompson play for Celtic anymore.