Anyone needing a translation can contact resident B&C Mountie Spencer Kyte for assistance.

Anyway, I know I covered the Mets’ outfield woes the other day, but things are slow in the St. Lucie clubhouse, so I’ll kick the horse a few more times. For those who haven’t been reveling in the Mets’ ER problems, here’s a recap:

– Moises Alou is out until May; he will return for two games before cramping up while squelching a Geritol fart in a crowded men’s room.

– Kenny Lofton is following the rest of America’s old people to Tampa.

– Endy Chavez is not an everyday player. Sadly, Ryan Church seems to be the same as Endy.

– Sammy Sosa is quickly heading back to obscurity (“Unemployment…ees so reeeeeeal!”)

– The Mets still have some money, and don’t seem as sold on Angel Pagan as I do.

When putting together the list in my last post, I purposely left off one name, for fear of jinxing the possible move. But now I can safely say that a trade for displaced Dodger Juan Pierre may be in order.

Thanks to the Dodgers’ endless spending on outfielders these past few offseasons, the Mets are in a position to possibly claim a rebounding speedster for less than the cost of any other options.

Why would the Mets eat another overblown contract for probable diminishing returns? At this point in the spring, with injuries mounting, I say…why not?

1. The Dodgers would likely have to eat much of Pierre’s contract to unload him, which means the Mets could have him for around half of what the Dodgers ultimately will pay. This also implies that the Mets could have Andruw Jones in 2009 for pennies on the dollar.
2. He’s still only 30, which makes him the youngest guy in the outfield.
3. The outfield situation in L.A. is crammed, which means that the Dodgers will likely part with Pierre for nothing, in terms of player value. I think a low- to mid-level prospect should do it. Of course, I also thought the Mets could get Scott Kazmir for a handshake and a bag of flour, so take my words lightly.
4. In 2007, he was 2nd in the NL in stolen bases (64), 3rd in at bats (668) and plate appearances (729), 4th in hits (196), and 9th in triples (8). No joke here - he can still play.
5. He wears a size 5 1/4 hat. That’s just funny to me.
6. Pierre’s speed alongside Reyes, Beltran, Wright and (maybe) Castillo would turn these Mets into something resembling the mid-80s Cardinals. Pierre is also nearly as ugly as Willie McGee.
7. He rarely if ever strikes out…which is good, because he also rarely walks.
8. On May 9, 2006, Pierre robbed the Barry Bonds of a career 714th home run, which would have (then) tied Bonds with Babe Ruth. Though Bonds eventually got the record, no one can deny this level of heroism. Bravo, young man. Bravo.
9. Pierre is mentioned in the Jay-Z/Beyonce tune, “Deja Vu”. Both Beyonce and Mr. Z have strong ties to the NYC community. Likewise, with the loss of Lastings Milledge, the Mets desperately need to become more gangsta.
10. Pierre is also a devout Catholic, which is also good, because given the injury situation, the Mets need prayer; likewise, all true gangstas thank God everyday. Word life.

If anyone can find other reasons that the Mets should/should not trade for Pierre, speak out! Otherwise, let’s just assume Alou is toast, and that Pagan is playing over his head, and start planning for life avec Juan.