Crying is not something adults should do. But my NFL team, the Redskins, is horrible again and I want to cry. There will be no Super Bowl this year, no Super Bowl next year, no Super Bowl for a thousand years.
They disappoint me more than downtrodden and disinterested dinosaurs.
This season they've posted a putrid record of three wins and seven losses. They're out of the playoffs again. This after winning the NFL East title last season and giving the city of Washington, including me, hope that they had risen back to their glory days when they won three Super Bowls. Now that seems as long ago as when the Renaissance painters ruled society.
The Redskins reigned during the time of Moses, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, in the era when dinosaurs roamed, when the cotton gin was created, when the Revolutionary War was fought,
in the misunderstood days of the Vikings in the Middle and Dark Ages.
Now - and for several decades - they've been dilapidated corn muffins. Have I ever informed with you that they have won 34 percent of their games over the past 20 years? If I dug around, I could probably find a teamor two over that span with a worse winning percentage. Not many though. In my view the Redskins have been the most hapless and dysfunctional professional football franchise over the past two decades.
I hear you thinking this: Get a life, old pathetic man. It's just the NFL, a stupid football game, weekend entertainment. But you don't walk in my shoes. You don't have perspective on what it's like to be me. Today one of my friends left me a taunting message on my cell phone voicemail as his New York Giants won their fourth straight game and moved past the Redskins into
contention for the NFC East title. His phone call burned my stomach.
My worst nightmare is the Giants will sneak into the playoffs barely, then go on one of their patented playoff runs to win their third Super Bowl in six years. If that happens, listen out your window and you'll hear me howling with despair. The whole world will hear it. It will shake the
Earth's foundations. You will learn who despises the Giants more than anyone else, the organization that has caused me more emotional tumult than all others combined.
There is good news in all of this, a scintilla of hope. To get into the playoffs the Giants have to play the Redskins twice before the season ends. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. Did you hear that? Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.
The Deadskins stand between them and an electrifying, historic season. We hold the keys to their kingdom. The way I figure it, it's a win-win scenario for me. If we beat them once, we bounce them out of the playoffs and ruin their season. That's all good. In fact, eve more fortifying than the Redskins making the playoffs. If we lose to them twice and let them
into the playoffs, I can howl through the winter nights out my windows. Howling is cathartic, a release that makes me feel better, and a palliative that clears my mind and halts my tears.