It’s Thursday mid-afternoon, the time when Josh and Dan usually convene to figure out some kind of amusing scene vaguely masquerading as a “debate.” But Josh was nowhere to be found. When Dan finally tracked him down, Josh was at his computer dictating into a microphone, and watching college basketball.
[A note to readers: Check out Josh’s live blog before reading this – it’ll make a lot more sense.]
Dan: Josh? Hey. Debate time.
Josh: Dan, you know I’m doing the live blog today. It’s going to eat up a lot of my time.
Dan: I disagree.
Dan: See? We’re debating. I disagree that it’s going to eat up a lot of your time.
Josh: Look, we’ll just throw something together. Harry says he never remembers what the debate was about anyway.
Dan: But dwade wanted to be in this one! You wouldn’t let him down, would you? He says he’s our biggest fan!
Josh: I gotta go.
Dan: So you’re just going to abandon the fans?! And poor little dying dwade? [pretends to pick up the phone] Hello? Oh, hi, The Make-A-Wish Foundation. No, we can’t honor the request of a sports fan with a terminal illness and include him in our blog. Oh, he just died? Well, never mind then. [pretends to hang up] See, Josh? You killed him. [pause] You’re not even paying attention to me anymore! Football season’s over, we’ve covered the greatest day in sports, the Super Bowl, how could anything else possibly be more interesting?
Josh: [writing his blog aloud using dictation software, not paying attention to Dan] The two greatest days in sports start today.
Dan: Noooooo! The March Madness has claimed him! Is there any way to get him back?
Josh: [still writing aloud; this goes for all Josh’s ensuing lines] Nah, there isn’t.
Dan: You can’t just take this Friday off – do you have any idea how many people you’re letting down?
Josh: In college, the first two days of the tournament were a holiday.
Dan: Well, you’re a grown-up now. But fine. Do your stupid blog. I’ll do the debate myself.
Josh: Um, yeah, Clark… listen. That’s just flat out stupid.
Dan: Clark? I’m D— oh, that’s part of your blog. You’re not even responding to me. Are you using dictation software or something? That explains why you always say “passed” when you mean to say “past.” Hey, Josh, I hear alcoholism runs in your family. I hear your wife and daughter have a huge drinking problem. They’ve been drunk for like a week straight, right?
Josh: Their run to this point has been amazing...but now it looks like they've hit the wall.
Dan: What seems to be the problem?
Josh: My daughter just can’t handle shots, and my wife hates Bloody Marys.
Dan: I see. Now I understand you’ve dabbled in cannibalism lately, but you’ve found that you get an upset stomach when you eat ill-tempered young boys.
Josh: I can't eat another brat....
Dan: Hey Josh, I know a guy whose wife doesn’t believe in birth control and he’s already got like 15 kids and they’re flat broke, so they really can’t afford another kid. The wife is 45, so the odds are slim, but she says she feels different this morning and might be pregnant. Is it fair for them to switch to Protestantism so they can take the morning-after pill?
Josh: If the miracle starts to develop, and the #16 seed is hanging tough...by all means, switch over.
Dan: It might be too late by then, but I’ll let him know what you said. This is fun. I can keep this going for a while. Though I can’t see why you love watching these games all day. Half of them are blowouts, and it’s like the commercials take a break for some games. Look, there’s that one with “Bob” for natural male enhancement again.
Josh: All expanding does is line the pockets of the media and the NCAA.
Dan: What, it doesn’t make “Mrs. At Home” any happier? I thought bigger was better.
Josh: That sort of mentality is exactly what has ruined the NBA and NHL playoffs. More is not always better.
Dan: But didn’t I see that stuff when I was snooping in your medicine cabinet? Or were you just rubbing it on your temples to see if it would make your head bigger. Er. Your main head. Erm… your cranium.
Josh: Not liking the odds...but if it works out...man, will I look like a genius!
Dan: While we’re on the subject of embarrassing male products… you ever use Viagra?
Josh: Something to get the juices flowing...the loins burning...the heart racing...the joint jumping...
Dan: I heard a rumor that you like watching porn based on biblical stories. Is that true?
Josh: Is there anything more exciting than watching David knock off Goliath?
Josh: We’d have 2 TVs going, and friends would come and go.
Dan: Wow. Do you ever play certain parts in slow motion?
Josh: When you slow it to a crawl, it looks like what you see at the YMCA gym on any Sunday.
Dan: And you don’t like that?
Josh: Would rather see a nice fast paced, frantic finish.
Dan: So let’s say you’ve tried the Viagra, you’ve tried the biblical porn, and you still can’t make it work in the sack.
Josh: That’s what you call a “Whoopin.’”
Dan: What do you do in those situations? What goes through your head?
Josh: Where are Matt and Trey when you need them?
Dan: Fascinating. But assuming the creators of South Park aren’t there to, erm, lend a hand… what’s your strategy? Do you keep trying?
Josh: It's not strategy at that point, it's just sore losing. Just take the loss like a man, and move on.
Dan: Well, I can clearly see you’re an expert in matters of failures.
Josh: Wow...I really hope that was a backhanded compliment...cause that's what it came off as.
Dan: Sure, we’ll call it that. Okay, I’m bored with this now. There. That’s our debate. Tune in next week when I don’t have to do the whole damn thing by myself.