The Oakland Raiders have made a number of big moves this NFL offseason in an attempt to turn around their recent run of misfortune. Their 4-12 2007 campaign prompted owner Al Davis to first make an undrafted Defensive Tackle coming off of reconstuctive knee surgery with 13 career sacks the highest paid scrub DT in NFL history. The contract is 7 years for $50.5 Million and $18.125 Million guaranteed.
[Rehab Expert Tommy Kelly]
Al Davis' next retarded bold move was to sign a second crippled rehabbing player to give emotional support to Kelly. Javon Walker, a cast-off unrestricted free agent, was given $35 Million dollars to hobble run up and down the field as the Raiders deep threat for the next 4 years.
[Assistant Rehab Expert Javon Walker]
Said Walker of his decision to join the Raiders:
"Well, you know, Al Davis is a pretty persuasive *smothered laugh* guy. I was really close to signing with the Argonauts, because my agents advised me that not even Dan Snyder would be dumb enough to sign me. It was that or an offer I had to play Tiny Tim in Dickenson's "Christmas Carol." But, Davis'call came, and...well, I'm just glad I'll be able to feed my family again. At least for a few more months , and by then I can hold out for more money."
Al Davis then turned his attention to his seive defense by making his largest splash to date. DeAngelo Hall, a former Pro Bowl cornerback, Second Team All-Pro coach-killer and First-Team Teammate-under-bus-thrower, was traded from Atlanta to Oakland. As is standard, Hall was then signed to a deal that made him the highest paid player at his position in the NFL due to his vastly overrated coverage skills, extremely poor attitude, lack of leadership, and huge, huge, huge ego which fits in perfectly as a Raider.
[Hall putting the M and the E in TEAM]
The biggest break in our story comes to us live from Oakland where the Ram Report's whipping boy Live Reporter rstowe has the story.
rstowe: "Thank you Ram, today Al Davis has signed a potted plant to a 5 year $38 Million contract. It is believed to be the second biggest salary ever received by a organism that lives on or in a pot surpassed only by Ricky Williams' largest deal."
[Potted plant measures 7' 4" and 65 lbs]
rstowe: "While the initial offer from Al Davis was 4 years, $22 Million, he upped it after discovering that the plant grew through most of 2007 with a torn ACL. Here is footage of the press conference earlier in the day."
Reporter1: "Ummm, Al? Why did you sign a potted plant? There are plently of unpotted ones that probably are stronger and have better mobility."
Davis: "Waffles! Matlock and Murder She wrote, went to Hoboken! Purple monkey dishwashers in my underwear!"
Reporter 2: "What about the health of the plant? Many are concerned that it is past it's prime, since it has already spent a dozen years as a Power Forward for the Denver Nuggets."
Davis: "Cow Patties! When in Rome you eat the Romans like everybody else! Frodo can't save you! Where's my applesauce?"
Reporter 3: "How are you going to make all of these salaries work with the salary cap? Aren't you mortgaging your teams' future with these huge deals?"
Davis: "You put the lime IN the coke, you nut! Screwdrivers! In some tapioca. That's Mr. Wembley Stadium to you!"
Reporter 2: "What position will the plant play? We know It'd be an upgrade over a number of the defensive and offensive linemen, but where do you see it playing?"
Davis: "Who shot who in the what now?"
rstowe: "As you can see Al was having one of his more coherent days."
Head Coach and lap-dog Lane Kiffin, when reached for comment had this to say:
"Anyone want to trade jobs? No, seriously. Anyone? Come on. You know you want to. Head Coach? NFL? Please? Rstowe....buddy! I'm looking your way....please?"
(*rstowe furiously shakes head no*)
At this time, there are also unconfirmed rumors of a plan to try out Darth Vader on special teams. Reportedly, no one has informed Mr. Davis that it is merely a fan who dresses up for home games because everyone assumes it wouldn't matter anyways.
More on this story as it develops.