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I was sitting here looking at this group, putting on my thinking cap (similar to Pee Wee Herman's scooter helmet, without the big eye) and trying to think of a really really random blog that I could blow you all away with.

Who's Paul Rubens?

I was thinking of doing an extensive study of the history of hot dogs at sporting events, but I figured that would just entertain porky people and after my first 30 seconds of research I cam across a video called "How to Make Your Own Home-Made Hot Dogs" and I nearly vomited all over my keyboard.

So, instead of bringing you the history of the hot dog, which no doubt would have been widely entertaining, touching and mentally mind blowing (or to combine the three, entertouchinbling), I will bring you the wonderful history of Sports instead. Sorry, everyone.

Without further adieu...

George Foreman, Inc. presents:

THE HISTORY OF SPORTS: A History*

In the beginning, the world was lifeless. Then there was life, and with life, activity and sport. The earliest beings of life, single celled life forms, are believed to be the first "athletes" as scientists speculate they would play a game called "Wiggle and Assexually Reproduce" where the object of the game was to create more single celled organisms, with the organism who assexually reproduced the most most likely recieved a small prize, speculated to be a gift card of some sort.

Here we see something doing something. I'm fairly sure he's playing the "Duplicate your Cells" game.

But as life became more and more complex, so did sports. The earliest fish played a game, which was quite common, called "Survive", where the object of the game was not to die, and the winner would recieve a prize: it's life. Scientists believe this game was fairly widespread, and size had a great advantage, as the big fish normally would feast on the smaller ones, who had nowhere to hide.

Soon, man arrived on the scene. Early cave paintings have provided archaeologists with the first set of rules to a game called "Ug, Ug", where apparently one Cro-Magnon would hide while the other would hunt him down and beat him to death with blunt objects when the hiding Cro-Magnon was found (aka Hide and Seek). Carbon-14 dating estimates that this game was popular a gillion bajillion years ago. MMA is very similar to this, and with the exception of the bludgering and death it's pretty much the same thing. Yes, Hide and Seek and Mixed-Martial Arts both originated from the same game. We've come a long way!

However, today's modern sports didn't begin to take shape until several thousand years ago.

Games similar to hockey and field hockey were played nearly seven thousand years ago, commonly referred to as "ball and stick". Very creative, indeed.

Tennis was created by European monks as a game to play while celebrating feast days, referred then as "ball and net". Once again, very creative.

Soccer and football come from the same original game, which is believed to be first played in China several thousand years ago in the Han Dynasty. This game was called "Kick the Ball".

"Kick the ball? How do you play?"

The Olympics were originated in Greece eleventy hundred years ago. As most of you have heard, men were only allowed to participate, but they had to play with their bait and tackle out in the open and were often greased up. Then they participated in things like the diskus and running, I bet.

And in the words of Forrest Gump, "That's all I have to say about that."

Bowling also had its origins in the Cro-Magnon Era.

Golf, basketball and baseball are fairly newer sports and have been in existance only a few hundred years.

Golf was created by the Scots as a way to scare away the English, which it of course did. When the English crossed the border for invasion, seeing thousands of men in kilts running around with sticks and little white balls smacking the balls into sand made the English turn around and head for home, never wanting to return to Scotland ever again. As you can see, Braveheart was not historically accurate at all.

Baseball was first played in England, and in colonial times it was brought over to America and had an array of names including "town ball, baseball, rounders, base or "stick and ball", which created a lot of confusion with the hockey players, who called their game ball and stick.

Basketball, as most of you may know, is the only major sport invented in America by Dr James Naismith, and after it's creation the sport was called "Ball and Basket".

This is not definite but I'm fairly sure one dumbass came up with the original names for all these sports.

Limpy, the offical mascot of the 2000 Sydney Olympics.

So all in all, I think its safe to say that sports have come a long way since the beginning of time, and who knows? Maybe the games will become more and more complex as time goes on.

And when sports in general progress, will the victories become more important as well?

Will sports become more and more popular that there will need to be World Champions in every sport, rather than in most cases just soccer?

Will robots be involved?

Only time will tell...

*Everything in "The History of Sport: A History" is 100% true. I'm 95% sure.

 

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