After a night of heavy, therapeutic drinking that came on the heels of a disappointing 11-5 record in his effort to predict yesterday's March Madness winners, our resident mascotologist and lead channeler, Slim Pickins (no relation to the late Hollywood actor Slim Pickens), has returned to make his Sweet 16 prognostication before he turns himself in to the authorities and is deported back to his native land for allegedly violating the terms of his work visa.
The charge was brought forth when Pickins engaged in the ground breaking research we've been documenting the past week, which is testing the hypothesis that mascotology, the phenomenological art of divining winners based upon the energetic vibrations emitted by competing team mascots, is as good as, or better than, traditional, analytical bracketology (see previous Indie Sport posts, Mascotology, Round 1, Day 1: Mascotology Goes 15-2! and The Problem With Cats And Dogs).
The terms of Mr. Pickins' visa stipulate that he is to be remunerated for work performed during his stay in the U.S., a condition not disclosed to Indie Sport prior to the initiation of this research. Nevertheless, Indie Sport regrets any role it may have played in unwittingly undermining national security and/or immigration law by permitting Mr. Pickins to donate his expertise to this study without the requisite recompense mandated by Homeland Security.
Pickins, who brings a 2008 March Madness record of 26-7 into today's forecast (21-2 in games not involving Wildcats or dogs), remains philosophical about his fate, taking comfort in the role he has played in bringing mascotology into the mainstream of American sport. Thus, it is in the spirit of international collaboration that we bring this project to its regrettable and premature denouement with our final mascotological forecast of the season, which Mr. Pickens assures us you can take to the bank now that he's cleared yesterday's static from his aura and replaced it with the harmonic vibration of a Class 3 hangover.
The Tar Heels (#1 North Carolina) and the Razorbacks (#9 Arkansas). Pigs like it sticky, but this is way too sticky. Carolina makes bacon.
The Fighting Irish (#5 Notre Dame) go hand to hand with the Cougars (#4 Washington State). I actually saw this once in an alley outside a bar on St. Patrick's Day. The cougar ended up at the taxidermist. Take the Irish.
The Sooners (#6 Oklahoma) circle the wagons against the Cardinals (#3 Louisville) and try to invoke squatter's rights. The birds cede them the land, fly high, and pepper them impudently with bombs and guano. Louisville stinks up the joint but prevails.
The Bulldogs (#7 Butler) go up against the Volunteers (#2 Tennessee). I can see clearly now . . . the Volunteers make target practice of these dogs and gun them down with buckshot.
The Jayhawks (#1 Kansas) soar over the Runnin' Rebels (#8 UNLV). You can run, but you can't hide from these birds. Kansas in a romp (see Louisville-Oklahoma, above).
The Wildcats (#12 Villanova) against the Saints (#13 Siena). We don't make the same mistake twice. Forgive us, Father, for we have sinned. Siena converts the Cats.
More Wildcats (#11 Kansas State) tangle with Badgers (#3 Wisconsin). Stop worrying, we've got this Wildcat snafu sorted out. The nasty little Badgers eat them alive.
Okay, I confess, we're a little nervous here. The Wildcats (#10 Davidson) meet the Hoyas/Bulldogs (#2 Georgetown). What? Yeah, that's what Hoya means-- it means "what." Georgetown devours them in our carnivore special.
The Bruins (#1 UCLA) clash with the Aggies (#9 Texas A&M). The guys from the Lone Star State buy the farm on this one, as UCLA chews, buries, and then fertilizes them.
The Hilltoppers (#12 Western Kentucky) enter the arena against the Toreros (#13 San Diego). Guns versus swords. Take the Hilltoppers.
The Boilermakers (#6 Purdue) meet the Musketeers (#3 Xavier). Mr. Pickins had 14 boilermakers last night and is intimately familiar with their effect. The first step is acknowledging you have a problem and Purdue's got a big one here. The Musketeers send them packing back to West Lafayette.
The Mountaineers (#7 West Virginia) in a shoot-em-up with the Blue Devils (#2 Duke). We've told you previously that the Blue Devil is the emblem of the elite mountaineering division of the army of France. So who do you take in a war? Country hill folk or the French army? West Virginia in our upset special.
The Tigers (#1 Memphis) and, ugh, the Bulldogs (#8 Mississippi State). This shouldn't be legal. The Tigers swallow the dogs whole.
The Spartans (#5 Michigan State) tangle with the Panthers (#4 Pitt). You've seen The 300. Need I say more?
The Golden Eagles (#6 Marquette) swoop down on the Cardinal (#3 Stanford). Unfortunately, all they see is the color of blood-- their blood. Stanford grounds the Eagles in a nasty fight.
The Hurricanes (#7 Miami) meet up on the range with the Longhorns (#2 Texas). You ever met Bevo? He blows way more wind than a hurricane. Texas hooks 'em and moves on.
So that's it. Thank you Mr. Pickins and godspeed. May the vibe be with each and every one of you.