It's 888 Miles to Chicago...

The NCAA tournament is into the round of 16.  The NFL draft is a month away.  Opening day is here for the MLB.  The NBA is, well, the NBA.  Yep, that’s all the major ones.  With all this going on, there isn’t just one thought that fills the brain.  And that means there are many small thoughts…trust me on this.

What a great week.  The tournament started up, and after a boring first day, got plenty of excitement over the weekend.  The live blog was a great success, thanks to all of you.  And Easter was a blast…egg hunt in the morning, chocolate all day, and basketball and dinner in the afternoon.  Hope everyone else had a good weekend, whether it was Easter, spring break or just watching the tournament.  Fun can be found in many forms…trust me on this.

This one goes out to Shaun Alexander…if your employer hires 2 new guys that do your exact job, and you know they don’t have the head count to keep you all…and you make 4 times as much as all your co-workers…the phrase “the writing is on the wall” should really take on new meaning for you, trust me on this.

For the ladies out there, if you’re in a bar, and a dude walks up to you, and unfurls the pickup line “I invented the phrase ‘chickens in reverse’” or “Kiss the Wombat”, first move is to pour your drink on him.  Next empty that can of mace in his eyes, finally run until you need a satellite image to see the bar you were in.  Trust me on this.

Davidson enters the tourney on a 22 game win streak and they only get a 10 seed.  Despite the lower seed, they beat Gonzaga, and then pull a huge upset on Georgetown, running the streak to 24.  The tournament committee’s biggest mistake wasn’t leaving Arizona State out; it was giving Davidson this low of seed, trust me on this.

“I didn’t know what it did, so I pushed it” is possibly the most dangerous phrase in the English language, trust me on this.

Okay, paper and pencils at the ready, time for a little math problem.  You are in a room with 2 buddies.  The Sweet 16 games are about to start.  On the table are 3 shot glasses, and a 750ml bottle of Jack Daniels.  One of your buddies says, “Let’s do a shot every time Stephen Curry scores”.  Will you have enough booze?  Answer: No, and if you live through the second half, it will be a miracle, trust me on this.

Every once in a while, Hollywood gets something right…since it appears that they NEED to remake every single old TV show into a movie, Steve Carell is a perfect fit for Maxwell Smart, trust me on this.

Here’s a little advice for one Brandon Marshall.  If you slip on a McDonalds wrapper in your living room, causing you to put your arm through a TV, and resulting in a 4 month recovery period…tell people you were drunk and got in a fight with your girlfriend, it will be a lot less embarrassing, trust me on this.

Juggling hard-boiled Easter eggs is a great way to entertain the kids.  Just make sure all the eggs are ACTUALLY hard-boiled…trust me on this.

All you Mavericks fans out there…if you’re hoping that Dirk going down will spur the team to a Rockets like run…the saying goes, “You can hope in one hand and crap in the other, see which one fills up first.”  I’ll put $10 on the crap-hand, trust me on this.

Glanced over at the magical “iGoogle Weather” and freaked out because according to the picture, Friday’s forecast is for waterfalls!!!  Holy nuts…that doesn’t sound good at all.  Stock up on supplies, buy a slicker, we’ve got waterfalls people!!!  After frantically calling my wife to check if we had waterfall insurance, it turns out there is no waterfalls in the forecast.  The image is ice on a tree, trust me on this.

Somewhere in Chi-town, that’s “Chicago” for the uninformed, my buddy Dan is staring at the headline “Favre still hasn’t filed retirement paperwork” and is dancing around like a little girl, screaming “I told you so!”…trust me on this.

If your 3-year-old daughter can sing the whole first verse to “All-star” by Smashmouth, you can conclude the following.  1. She’s watching too much Shrek and 2. You need to kick you brother in the jimmy for teaching it to her…trust me on this.

Even if you hate the Yankees, there is no disputing that Yankee Stadium is an icon of baseball.  The fact that this is the last season of baseball in those hallowed ground is heartbreaking enough, but now the new stadium will carry the name “Steinbrenner Field”?  Nope, no it won't...the magic of sports headlines today...glancing at a headline you think the world has ended, and then you read a little deeper, and some lame spring training field is being renamed, trust me on this.

When you yell out, “Hey, where’s my 2005 Chicago White Sox highlight DVD?” and your daughter answers with “I put it away for you Daddy”…it’s in the Shrek DVD case, trust me on this.

When Memphis loses…yes, I meant to say “when”…the game will take a record 6 hours and 13 minutes to complete.  This will of course be due to the other team’s strategy of fouling them on EVERY possession.  Quite simply, a dead rat could shoot free throws better, trust me on this.

It might be passé, but if you ever have the chance to play a good round of Mad-Libs, make sure to work in the following words: Gangrene….Zima….wombat.  Doesn’t matter what order, or what the topic is, those words are comedy gold, trust me on this.

In the spirit of Latrell Sprewell, Alex Rodrigez explained his change of agents (getting rid of the money hungry Scott Boras) with “I put my family ahead of the money”.  Choosing your family AND a 10 year, $275 million contract is a hard choice.  You sir are a saint, a god among men, an example for us all!  Alex, Latrell just called, he wanted to offer your family a free ride on his yacht during your troubled times, trust me on this.

This just in, Cedric Benson might be replaced as the Bears starting running back!  In other news, our reports have confirmed that, yes; bears do crap in the woods.  Benson “probably” being replaced isn’t news, trust me on this.

You find yourself working in a Little Caesar’s pizza.  A customer comes in and orders a pizza with “Everything on it, but no meat”.  If your reaction is anything BUT, “Okay, so Onions, Peppers, Olives, Sausage, Pepperoni, Ham, mushrooms…” well, you haven’t worked there long enough, trust me on this.

Well, Pacman Jones explained his strange and self destructive behavior with the quote, "Man, I'm at the end of the cliff, and if I slip off, I fall off".  Pacman, let me explain something to you…come closer…okay…too close.  Not “stripper close”…there you go.  Pacman, first, explaining away the last several years of your life is going to take more than a 3 hour interview with Michael Irvin.  And yes, if you “Slip off” you by definition would “fall off” a cliff.  You can’t “slip off a cliff” without “falling off”, trust me on this.

Speaking of Pacman…so we now have Pacman Jones and Atari Bigby…starting for your 2009 Green Bay Packers….Collecovision Johnson!  We’ve only scratched the surface of the video game names, trust me on this.

The NFL is thinking of moving the start time of the Season opener earlier to avoid clashing with the Republican National Convention.  Nothing against Republicans, but seriously is there a choice?  Watching a bunch of speeches and a forgone conclusion nomination or the start of the NFL season?  The convention should consider rescheduling, they don’t want to risk alienating the football vote, trust me on this.

You’re an NFL GM, your assistant tells you “Mel Kiper Jr is on the phone for you with some draft advice”, and you don’t break into uncontrollable laughter, fire yourself, don’t hesitate, fire yourself, trust me on this.

Over the weekend, my daughter and I settled in to watch basketball together.  Got all comfy on the couch, the game was on…and my daughter said, “Okay, now let’s watch football”.  After explaining to her that it’s not football season, its basketball season, she said “why can’t we watch football?”  If there was ever a doubt in my mind, I now have hard proof she’s mine, trust me on this.

You’re the Coach of a Division I team.  The NCAA informs you that your team has been made a #4 seed in the tournament.  You’re ecstatic…you break out the champagne…you’re hugging all the players…the AD is calling ever booster he knows and rubbing it in their face…and then the NCAA says, “And you play your opening games in Tampa”.  There isn’t a quicker way to quiet that room, trust me on this.

If you’re looking for a new catch phrase to throw around the office, start reading spam…at least the subject lines.  No where else on Earth will you learn the phrase “Trouser Mouse”, trust me on this.

In Seattle it looks like the Sonics are leaving town…well not the Sonics…just the players, coaches, staff, balls, and the NBA.  The name and history of the Sonics will stay in Seattle.  Well, that solves the problem…the Key Arena will definitely sell out next year to watch a bunch of empty uniforms lie on the court, and ogle the only championship trophy in Seattle history.  Hey Stern, the blood is all over you on this one…trust me on this.

When it comes to getting a child ready for school in the morning, once they hit the stage of “I can do it myself”, what that really means is that from there on out they’ll be leaving the house in some “interesting” outfits, trust me on this.

There are 2 types of #1 overall QBs…the Golden Boy, ala Peyton Manning, Carson Palmer and Eli Manning…the guys we knew would be on top all season long.  And the Out-of-nowhere QB, ala Alex Smith, David Carr, and JaMarcus Russell.  Take a memo to the Miami Dolphins, Matt Ryan is in the 2nd group, trust me on this.

For me, a bad action movie is a great way to relax.  There is something about huge plot holes, unbelievable explosions, terrible one-liners, and predictable finishes that comfort me.  If you share this love, then check out Sahara on cable, trust me on this.

Chris Webber is finally hanging them up.  He’ll be remembered for the Fab Five, the infamous time out, lifting the Kings out of obscurity, and playing until his vertical and mobility was worse than mine.  Here’s a little advice for all you other NBA players, if I can jump higher and run faster than you, follow Chris out the door, trust me on this.

In my last “Trust me” post, Yao Ming was put on notice with “the Rockets aren’t going to be the same without you, trust me on this.”  Well…um…yeah…that’s it, just remember…never trust me if I’m drunk, trust me on this.

If your child insists on you making her Ernie doll talk, using the “Ernie has laryngitis” excuse doesn’t work.  In toddler land, band-aids cure laryngitis, trust me on this.

So Jose Canseco is writing another “tell all” book.  First, does anyone care?  Second, who in their right mind will ever be friends with this guy again?  “Um, Jose, why are you looking through all my tax docs?  And what’s with the handy-cam?”  Jose, friends don’t write tell all books about each other, trust me on this.

When ordering something online…if one place has the item with free shipping, and you find the item on another site for $10 less, but shipping is $15…if the thought crosses your mind that maybe you can find it for $10 cheaper AND free shipping…just buy from the first place, because it’s not worth an hour of your life to save $10, trust me on this.

An NFL team had to forfeit a draft pick for cheating.  Yep, old news…but get this…it wasn’t the Patriots!  What?  No one wants to hear about a bad team that cheated?  So the Niners tampering with Briggs doesn’t even rate a headline?  Wow, it’s good to be terrible and cheat, trust me on this.

You’re in a karaoke bar…you’re too drunk for “Ring of Fire” and not quite drunk enough to whip out “Tiny Dancer”…go for “Livin’ La Vida Loca”, trust me on this.

After seeing the teams play a few games, the Final Four looks like this…UNC, UCLA, Texas and…Davidson.  Yeah, it’s a pipe dream, but dreaming is a good thing, trust me on this.

And another edition of “trust me on this” is in the books.  Before anyone gets up in arms about what you have read here today, this blog has never been about telling the future.  Nah, that limits what can be said and done.  If you want a clear picture of the future, buy a time machine…or build one…whatever…here you’ll just have to settle for the future telling power of Guinness, trust me on this.


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