All great things come to an end…and all mediocre things take a break. Dan and I love doing the Friday debates, and we love the fact that so many of you have enjoyed them as well. Do you realize that this is the 26th (25th if you remove the Live Blog that Dan didn't show for from the running) Friday Debate? And that a normal TV season is 22 episodes? This debate marks the first part of our 2 part season finale.
Yes, that was “season finale”…the Debates will return, but we’re going to take a break from them for awhile, recharge the batteries, and take care of some other things. Then once we’re rested, relaxed and rehabilitated (Dan from his Care Bears fetish, and me from well, you don’t want to know) we’ll bring back the debates in all their glory!
With that, let’s get to Part 1….
We enter the scene mid-conversation:
Dan: ...ly Guy is a great show, but you know what bothers me? When they bring back a character from a previous episode who has no business coming back. They’re doing it more and more these days. Like they had another James Woods episode recently – I get it, it was fun to write him, and you get to bring back some favorite jokes, but if you keep doing that, your material gets stale because you never create anything new. It’s what sent SNL downhill – ooh, let’s write another Mango sketch and just use the same script again!
Josh: This is what you think about when you’re on the toilet?
[door opens, a shadowed figure walks in carrying a briefcase]
Josh: Ooh, I smell bourbon and hooker perfume. What’s up, Rog?
Goodell: Gentlemen, I have a proposition for you.
Dan: We’re not going to be your fall guys again, Goodell.
Josh: Trust us on this.
Goodell: This is different. I think you’re going to like what I’m packing here.
Dan: Put it away!
Goodell: Should have re-thought the phrasing, my bad. I have here [lifts briefcase onto table, knocking over beer cans] ten billion dollars for you two.
Dan: I’m listening.
Josh: We’ll be good.
Dan: Ten billion?
Josh: I always wanted to get handed a briefcase full of cash!
Goodell: Actually, this simply contains paperwork authorizing the establishing a joint Swiss bank account in both of your names. It’s all set up for you.
Dan: So… what’s the catch?
Josh: Yes, Dan will sleep with you, he'll be your Demi.
Goodell: It’s—[shakes his head] It’s not a catch, it’s what we’re paying you for.
Dan: Oh. “We.”
Josh: As in… “They.” Except Goodell is part of “They,” so it’s “We.”
Goodell: Can you just shut up for a second? Here’s the deal. The NFL is concerned about all the other leagues trying to establish themselves. We need to be sure they die out. We want you two to create a league of your own to compete with these three – there can’t possibly be enough of a market to support all these football leagues, and only the strongest will survive. That’s us.
Dan: Are you kidding me? The other leagues are already dying before they have a chance to start. Ford Field is suing one of them for canceling their first season. You have nothing to worry ab—[Josh smacks him in the arm] You’re right. Definitely need another league. Suffocate them with saturation!
Goodell: Crush them with competition!
Josh: Annihilate them with…
Josh: That’s stupid.
Goodell: Well, are you in? [Proffers paperwork]
Josh and Dan: We’ll do it.
Goodell: Fantastic, just sign on the dotted line. And yes, Josh you can just make a big X.
Dan: Hang on, let me read the fine print... nah, I'm just kidding. [Dan signs]
Josh: [staring at the paper] You know that print at the bottom is REALLY fine...you sure we shouldn't just take a quick peek?
Goodell: It's nothing; it's just a few legal bits and pieces to make sure I don't go to jail.
Josh: Well, that's good, don't want to goto to jail over all of this.
Goodell: Right, well, like I said, I won't be going to Jail over this.
Dan: Ohhhhh, I get it. You won't be going to JAIL over it. But you might be doing community service, am I right?
Goodell: No, you're not. Anywho...
Josh: From what I hear, Rog, you'd love jail.
Dan: They have pizza night once a month. And, you know, showers.
Josh: Yeah, and a thing called conjugal trailers
Goodell: Ha, yep, you guys will have it made. Josh, how about putting that big X on there now.
Josh: Nah, I'll just sign my name.
Goodell: That works just as nicely.
[Josh scribbles on the paper]
Josh: There you go. [Hands paper back]
Goodell: [stuffing documents in briefcase] Fantastic. I've hired you guys an assistant, should be here anytime. Just to help you out with the financials, and paperwork. Your goal is just to dream the dream.
Dan: Every week, Rog.
Goodell: So, what are you going to call your league?
Josh: What is this the SPanish inquisition?
Dan: Ooh, the Spanish Inquisition Football League? SIFL?
Josh: Yeah, don't know how that will play for some demographics...we'd nail the Monty Python crowd, but the non-Christian crowd would not be too happy.
Dan: And people might think it's the Sports Illustrated Football League, don’t want to be associated with that riff-raff.
Goodell: Well, I love their swimsuit issue…
Josh: I bet you do, Rog.
Dan: League Of American Football, or LOAF?
Josh: Ooooh...the slogan could be, "Come pinch one off!" And we could get MeatLoaf to sing the Antemn at the opener
Dan: Football League of American Men Entertaining the Rabble, or ****?
Josh: Well, that would be Elton John then...
Dan: Okay, we'll go back to LOAF. Anything to get Meat Loaf in there.
Josh: Rog, you don't have any meatloaf on you, do you? I'm starving
Goodell: [pats pockets] Sorry, fresh out.
Josh: Damn...I'd even go for a Celine Dion on rye
Dan: Dan, the marketing genius, strikes again: she should come out with "Celine Dijon" brand mustard.
Josh: Crap....Dan "Marketing Genius" Brown is at it again...Rog, while he pats himself on the back for the next 20 minutes, would you mind ordering up some MLTs?
Goodell: Well, this is going nowhere fast, so I guess I should. Besides, Trixie can only keep the cab driver busy for so long. Enjoy your new league, guys.
Josh: What, no love on the MLTs Rog? Man, that's cold
Dan: I prefer my MLTs warm. What about you, Rog? Rog? Damn, he's gone already.
Josh: Man, that dude can be one cold cat....
Dan: Could have at least bought us lunch.
Josh: Dan, does that deli down the street deliver?
Dan: They charge like five bucks delivery fee, it's a rip. We can't afford that.
Josh: Um...Dan...Do you remember what just happened?
Dan: Yeah, I came up with Celine Dijon mustard, it was brilliant. But I can't expect to make ten billion dollars on it for quite some time. Wait a minute... we HAVE ten billion dollars!
Josh: I'm glad the old noggin finally caught up....
Dan: We could BUY the deli down the street!! And then we could make the Celiene Dion mustard!!!!!
Josh: Yes, or we could start our own football league, like Rog asked us to.
Dan: Oh, yeah, we signed a thing. Hey - did you actually sign your real name?
Josh: F**k no. With all that fine print...you think I would sign away my life? The NFL doesn't take prisoners, they rape and pillage they do.
Dan: Yeah, me neither. I just picked a name I read off of one of those books. [gestures toward bookshelf]
Josh: Dan, there's only one actual book on that shelf; other than that it's a bunch of pizza boxes, magazines, and home movies.
Dan: Well, I used the name from that book.
Josh: It's The Da Vinci Code.
Josh: So you signed "Dan Brown."
Dan: Hey, that's my name!
Josh: Jesus...you're hopeless
Dan: No, I didn't sign Jesus, I signed Dan....hold on a sec [wacks his head with hand] Oh, that's better...sorry about that, felt like something was loose up there.
Josh: Well, I don't know how you're going to fare with things, but I signed Roger Goodell.
Dan: Nice. Man, when did you become the wily one?
Josh: I was born wily...but then my mom said something about how she would never let that Coyote have custody...so she changed my name to Josh.
Dan: So, where should we start with this new league?
Josh: Well, I christen this hellhole the league offices!
Dan: Awesome! We should have some rules that are different from the NFL's for no reason other than to be different. Like we should play on an hourglass-shaped field, so it gets really narrow at midfield and it's hard to stay in-bounds.
Josh: Dan, you've been all about the hourglass field since the day I met you. And I've told you every time, hourglasses are good when you're talkinga bout women, but make no sense when talking about a playing surface
Dan: Come on, man, imagine punting. You try to do a coffin corner kick, and it's great because the coffin corner is bigger, but if it crosses the out-of-bounds line where it's narrower, suddenly it's a five-yard punt!
Josh: Wait! We could actually put coffins in the corners of the endzone!
Dan: Ooh! It could be like a penalty box in hockey - commit a personal foul and you have to start from inside the coffin on the next play! But you can still come out of the coffin and make a play, like a goal-line tackle or something.
Josh: Yeah, it would be called "Vampiring Someone".
Dan: Which will inevitably be shortened to "Vamped." "Adrian Peterson is headed for the touchdown and--OH! He gets vamped at the two by Albert Haynesworth!"
Josh: Which sounds hot.
Dan: On PATs, the cheerleaders from both teams face off to try to get the two-point conversion.
Josh: Now that would be hot. Speaking of hot, I thought Rog hired us an assitant? When is she getting here?
Dan: Rog has the best assistants... remember Heather?
Josh: So hot, want to touch the henie.
Dan: I bet this one's a double D.
Josh: Denise Dunkelman? Nah, she's strictly PR. Wait, did you call the deli for sandwiches? I'm still starving
Dan: Right! [picks up phone, looks at number on a menu attached to the fridge, dials] Hi, Dreidel Deli? We'd like two MLTs delivered to 1408 Easy Street, Apartment F. Oh, and can you slap a little Celine on one? Er, mustard. I mean mustard. Dijon. They say it'll be seven seconds.
Josh: 7 whole seconds? Slackers. Make a note to shut them down.
[knock on door]
Dan: It's open.
Otis B. Driftwood: Hello, old friends!
Dan: Yeah, just set it on the... holy crap, it's Driftwood.
Josh: You're working delivery now Otis? Man that blows. Times are tough everywhere, guess you have to do what you have to do
Driftwood: I'm just doing this as a favor for the Rosenduckens, who own the deli. Their usual delivery boy got injured and I'm hoping they'll hire me to help with the litigation. Besides, I was headed here anyways.
Josh: Why in the name of all that is holy, were you headed over here?
Driftwood: Roger asked me to come over. You know Roger, right? He owed me a favor after I got him off on a technicality from his involvement in the Eliot Spitzer scandal. But you didn't hear that from me.
Josh: Roger? Who the hell is Roger? Oh, Goodell? Listen, in this office, we call him Goodell or Rog.
Driftwood: Fine, Goodell sent me over here.
Dan: Oh, crap, you're our assitant aren't you?
Josh: Man, leave it to Rog really coked the gopher on that one.
Driftwood: Yeah, I'm here to help make sure your new league goes "smoothly."
Josh: Why did you do air quotes when you said "smoothly"?
Driftwood: Why do you flutter your fingers like you’re typing when you say “email”?
Josh: Because…well…so people know…well….
Dan: Driftwood, shut it…Josh, I think the finger fluttering thing is an endearing, albeit ridiculous trait.
Josh: Thanks Dan.
Driftwood: [Under breath] Should I leave you two alone?
Dan: What was that?
Driftwood: [Smiling big, and saying loudly] Let’s chow down, and create a football league!
Dan: That’s not what you said at all…
Josh: I don’t always flutter my fingers when I say “email” do I?
Dan: Look at your fingers.
Josh: [Fingers fluttering uncontrollably] Holy hell…I’m a hand talker.
Dan: You’re just realizing this? You make more gestures than a drunken mime.
Josh: [His arms slap down against his sides] okay, not anymore…arms won’t move from here.
Driftwood: You guys finished with this endearing conversation? Brought up several food options…
Dan: I ordered MLTs.
Driftwood: You know that MLTs are “mutton, lettuce and tomato”, right?
Josh: What the hell is mutton?
Dan: It’s like bacon, only spelled different.
Driftwood: No, it’s lamb.
Dan and Josh: eeeewwwwwwww.
Driftwood: Yeah, so I brought some other items [Lays out several food options on the table]
Josh: [staring at all the food] Otis, I take back 55% of the mean things I’ve said about you…
Dan: Mutton is really lamb? Seriously? I thought it was like Russian for bacon….
Josh: Holy Flying Turd Sandwich! You got gyros!!!!! [seizes 2 gyros and starts devouring them]
Driftwood: Thought you might like that…
Dan: [staring at Josh] “Holy flying turd sandwiches”? That’s what you came up with?
[Josh just shrugs as his mouth is full of gyros]
Dan: Ooh! Are those kabobs? Man, what don't they have at that deli?
Driftwood: Would you like one?
Dan: Yes please. Driftwood, you're all right. I mean, still a turd, but one of the more okay ones.
Josh: [trying to swallow 3 mouthfuls of gyro] Masduoshelkid
Dan: Whoa, Josh, take 'er easy there. Once you've swallowed, and without taking another bite, try again.
Josh: [Sets gyros don, an swallows] Driftwood, you're a turd.
Driftwood: Thank you.
Dan: So what exactly are you supposed to be helping us with?
Driftwood: I'll be lending you my legal and financial expertise to get this league off the ground!
Dan: Oh joy.
Driftwood: Have you considered conduct policy at all?
Josh: No, but I've considered the fact that I don't see anything to drink in what you brought over.
Driftwood: Oh, silly me, I forgot. The keg wouldn't fit in the door, so I set it outside and had your water pipes redirected so you'll get Guinness out of your kitchen sink now.
Dan: Josh, grab me one, post-haste. Driftwood, we have not considered conduct policy. What do you think, Josh? I say if they're not in jail, we let them play.
Josh: Can we let players in jail play?
Driftwood: Well, the ramifications with the court system could be problematic...
Dan: We build the stadiums so that the field is part of prison compounds, but the stands aren't. Well, parts of the stands can be so convicts can watch. And we just field our players from the penal system! We'd have a better talent pool than the NFL!
Josh: They did it in the movie The Replacements. They had a Cop AND a criminal on the same team!
Dan: Good call, we can have some of the guards play too. But on the same team as the felons, since The Longest Yard has already been done. Twice.
Driftwood: Not sure how that would play with the soccer moms...
Josh: Since when has the soccer mom been a major football demographic?
Dan: For even mentioning the words "soccer mom" you're back down to mid-tier turd status.
Josh: Wait, I said it too...am I a turd?
Dan: no, you were quoting
Driftwood: If we could find a way to get Soccer Moms involved in football, we could open up the NFL to a whole new demographic!
Josh: but this isn't about the NFL...
Dan: Every time you say "demographic" it makes me want to sit you down and force you to watch a halftime show featuring Britney Spears.
Josh: Wait, Britney pre-kids or post kids?
Driftwood: What do you guys think of having Britney as a celeb owner in the league?
Josh: pre-kids or post-kids?
Josh: Dude, post-kids, she's nuts and I wouldn't touch her with a 10 foot cattle prod.
Driftwood: But as an owner?
Dan: Yeah, I’m gonna have to say no on Britney.
Josh: Wait, we can have celeb owners?
Dan: I know where this is going...
Driftwood: So far we've had several inquiries...Justin Timberlake...Cameron Diaz...Jamie Foxx...
Dan: Boo, boo, and meh.
Josh: Have any Brits expressed any interest?
Dan: Josh, just get her on the phone.
Driftwood: Now that you mention it, yeah a couple Brits...
Driftwood: Russell Crowe, for one.
Dan: He's Australian, and has nothing to do with football, that's stupid. Try telling that to the Monday Night crew, though.
Driftwood: Fine...Sean Connery has expressed an interest
Josh: Well, it would be great to see Mr. Connery again.
Dan: Josh, you're not dialing the phone...
Josh: Ah right.
Driftwood: To call who?
Dan: You really don't pay attention to us at all, do you
Driftwood: No, not really
Josh: Why were you ever our agent? [Picks up phone and starts to dail]
Driftwood: So what if I don’t take an interest in your careers? I’m here to filter out the stupid requests, not coddle you guys. Keep the people like Kate Winslet and Neil Diamond from bothering you..
Dan: Wait, Kate wants a team?
Josh: [Slamming down the phone] Driftwood, if you told her to bugger off, you’re headed out the window again.
Driftwood: “’bugger off”? No, I just pocketed the request.
Josh: Well, she’s in…she’ll own the Chicago franchise.
Driftwood: Well, fine, she’s in.
Dan: Do you think Neil Diamond would be up for hanging out some time?
Josh: Dan…I’m just going to let that one drop.
Driftwood: Okay, we’ve got Winslett, and Connery. We’re shooting for 12 teams, we’d better get cracking.
Dan: Okay, well hand over the full list of people that have expressed an interest…none of this “filtering” horse pucky.
Josh: “Horse pucky”? Flying Turd Sandwiches is way better than that.
Dan: Fine, you love that one so much, we’re naming a team that.
Josh: Ooh, good idea…The Washington Flying Turd Sandwiches!
Driftwood: [Under breath] Aka, the Redskins.
Dan: Driftwood, I heard that, the window is wide open. Just give me the list.
Driftwood: [Hands over list] Here, it’s all yours.
Dan: [Taking list, and scanning it] Wow…a lot of people want in…
Driftwood: For some odd reason, they heard you two were involved and they went nuts. Goodell thinks you guys are some kind of idiot savants with this stuff.
Josh: Yeah, that Rog, good guy…wouldn’t trust him any farther than I could throw him, but a great guy.
Dan: Josh, he said we’re idiots…
Josh: Yeah, that’s Rog to a T.
Dan: Okay…let’s get to the list…
Josh: Just give me the highlights…
Dan: Hey, how about John Cocktoaston?
Josh: Hell yeah, great guy, and as a bookie would be great for helping with the gambling angle in the new league.
Driftwood: That might not be the best…
Dan: Great, that’s 3…ha…Luther “Shark” Lavay is interested!
Josh: With his troubled history, he would be an inspiration for us all!
Driftwood: He might not have all the funds…
Dan: That’s 4…
Josh: Hey, what about Madden?
Dan: Funny, you should mention him…I have a Madden-Favre joint ownership listed here.
Driftwood: On that…Favre has made no commitment, Madden is the only one we’ve talked to…
Dan: Regardless, that’s 5.
Josh: Sweet, just 10 more!
Driftwood: Um, 7.
Josh: Hey, after 5 Guinness
Dan: 3 Guinness…
Josh: Right, after 5 Guinness, my math skills go to crap, trust me on this.
Dan: Here’s an interesting one…it says, Burt Reynolds…but that’s crossed out…then Turd Ferguson is written in…then crossed off, and then Norm MacDonald is written in.
Josh: He’s in.
Dan: Vince Young?
Josh: Yep….and we’ll take your man crush, Neil Diamond.
Dan: Ooooookay….that’s 8.
Josh: What about John Donaghy?
Dan: [Scans list] You know what I have to say about that? We have 9!
Josh: Who else?
Dan: Wait….Bill Clinton is interested?
Josh: Well, between him and Goodell, the ladies will have plenty of fun.
Dan: Ooooooh….I found another gem…Scarlett Johansson!
Josh: Oh, she’s a BIG yes. What is that?
Dan: That would be 11!
Josh: Just one more sucker….
Dan: Ah, hell…how’d he get on the list…[Shows list to Driftwood]
Driftwood: Oh, he’s been over billing his patients for years, built up quite a large bank roll…bought himself onto the list.
Dan: Our old friend, Dr. Praline. And you’ll never guess what his first name is.
Dan: How in the world did you get that?
Josh: [stuffing his “Appointment reminder card back into his pocket] I’m a genius.
Dan: Do we let him in?
Josh: What the heck, might be good to have a head shrinker in this group of nuts.
Dan: Well, that’s it then…there’s our 12.
Josh: Driftwood, I think we’re done for the day. I’m going to polish off the rest of these gyros and a few more Guinness, and then I’m going to watch Sahara on cable.
Dan: Sounds like a plan…Driftwood, why don’t you setup an owners meeting for next week, and we can really get things rolling.
Driftwood: [Obviously annoyed] Your wish is my command, sirs. [Grabs list and heads for the door.]
Dan: Hand me the kabobs over there [Josh hands them over, and Dan takes a huge bite]
Josh: Man, gyros rule [Takes a huge bite]
Driftwood: [Opening door to leave, turns back] You know, those are both made of lamb, don’t you?
[Dan spits kabob all over the room, Josh stares at the gyro]
Dan: Seriously? And you didn’t warn us?
[Josh shrugs and keeps eating]
Driftwood: Enjoy. [Leaves, closing door behind him]
Dan: Did you hear him? Lamb.
Josh: [swallowing] Well, whatever they did to this lamb, it’s delicious.
Dan: I’ll just drink my lunch. [Raises his Guinness] Too the new league and mayhem?
Josh: [wipes greasey hands on his pants, grabs his Guinnes, and raises it up] Tomoiusdaliuse!
Dan: Close enough [Toast their glasses, and tip them back] You know Goodell is going to try to scam us?
Josh: Yeah…but let’s enjoy the ride….
How will Goodell try to screw with the boys? Will the keg of Guinness last long enough? Can the boys avoid looking like dorks in front of Kate and Scarlett? Will Connery make a fool of himself? Will Favre show up? Are mutton, kabobs and gyros really lamb? Due to the restaining order, will Vince Young attend the meeting in person? Does Driftwood have any real skills? Britney pre-kids or post kids?
The answers to all these questions and more, next week….same de-bat time, same de-bat blog!