Size Matters | Indie Sport

As we careen toward the Final Four and wrap up the first quarter of the year, we turn our attention to a brief retrospective of some of the mis-fits that came across the sports transom the past three months:

-- Danica Patrick is too light. The Indy Racing League may require minimum weights for drivers, on the premise that lightweights such as Danica have an unfair advantage. Patrick's never won an IRL race. Go figure.

-- Troy Polamalu's hair is too long. The NFL may restrict hair length so that it doesn't obscure a player's name or number. Yeah, I know. You thought it was Tiny Tim racing down the field with that interception.

-- Barry Bonds' head is too big. He should have listened to Yogi. When asked by the Yankees' equipment manger what hat size to issue him one spring training, Berra responded, "I don't know. I'm not in shape yet."

-- Patrick Roy's brain is too small. But it's all good. His son has the other hemisphere.

-- Kelvin Sampson's phone plan is a thousand times bigger than his current lifestyle warrants. Don't worry, he can afford it. He got a $750,000 buyout for cheating. Sign up for the Sampson plan at indiana.edu.

-- Bob Knight is too rich. The man who once described journalists as one step removed from prostitution is now one himself. Do the math. Sorry, we're not trying to pick on you, IU. We love the Hoosiers.

-- Rick Majerus is too big for his britches. Just ask the archbishop at St. Louis University. Rumors that Danica has offered to loan him some of hers cannot yet be confirmed or denied.

-- The font on the West Virginia contract of Coach Rich "Call Me Richer" Rodriguez is too small. He couldn't have read the terms or discerned that the ink on his signature had barely dried, even if he'd borrowed Joe Pa's glasses. Shame on you, WVU!

-- The 30-day jail sentence handed down to Roland Flores is too light. The man who hit Mike Piazza in the head with the filled water bottle he threw at Anaheim Stadium should have gotten 30 minutes in the pokey with Piazza as his cellmate With the security cameras turned off.

-- The syringe Bryan McNamee used to inject Roger Clemens with lidocaine was too large. McNamee injected so much of the analgesic into Clemens' bum that it leeched directly into his central nervous system, numbing his hippocampus, thereby causing him to misremember.

Okay, that's a wrap, folks. Have a great weekend, God bless, and remember, if the hat don't fit, you can't acquit.