24: Stauff Nation Edition

Part 1: Opening Day Was a complete and total waste of my life and if I could do it over again I gladly would

Written by Stauff Nation

The following takes place roughly between 7 AM and 11 PM...

7:30 AM- Stauff wakes up, excitedly. First day back from spring break, but its opening day for the Cubs and the beloved White Sox. "Let's start off the year on a good foot", I say to myself.

7:31 AM- Stauff's first step of the day, I fall attempting to get out of bed.

Noon- Sitting in school, knowing both ball games would start any second. Caught daydreaming, I accidentally answer to why the Americans began the Revolutionary War as "Kerry Wood blows." Note to self: Wake up early on Thursday for before-school detention

2:45 PM- School ends, Stauff books it out the classroom, forgets to hand in test. Failed.

3:00 PM- The Bus is late... Note to self: Write angry letter to the CTA demanding an apology. Buses come every 7 minutes? LIE!

He sat next to me on the bus and he smelled funny.

3:30ish PM - Get home. Cubs are tied 0-0 with the Brew Crew. White Sox are losing 7-4. WTF happened??? Mark Buerhrle can explain. 7 runs in the 2nd... and he's our ace?

4:30 PM - Sox battle back, 7-7 ballgame... Cubs still 0-0... Stauff is still hungry

4:35 PM - Stauff eats, spits out food. He wanted ham on white, not turkey on rye!

4:36 PM - KILL THE UMPIRE!! KILL THE UMPIRE!!! KILL THE UMPIRE!!! (for reference, see the match report)

Ticker tape parade thrown for the last guy who killed the umpire

4:38 PM - Stauff calls 1-800-MOB-HITS. He wants someone whacked. And his name is the umpire.

4:55 PM - Casey Blake nearly hits a grand-slam off Octavio Dotel (I KNEW HE WAS TROUBLE). 10-7 Indians (If I was Native American that name would offend me)

5:10 PM - Stauff shrivels up in his corner. Sox lose 10-8. Octavio Dotel's ERA is 27.00...

6:00 PM - Find out later the Cubbies lose. Keep the "W" flag in the corner (not my corner). Not today, Len and Bob. Not today.

Apparently starting the season off on the right foot like I had hoped when I fell out of bed was not what the Cubs or Sox had planned.

10:00 PM - Stauff discovers CC Sabathia is a cruel and heartless ****.

''Not to sound cocky, but I think everybody knew what was coming,'' he said. (It is the Indians eventual win over the White Sox, who are in fact still better, just to clarify things up)

Ya, well, you do, CC, and just because of that you're going on the hit list with the umpire.

At least my name isn't Carsen...

11:00 PM - Stauff gets a call from the President saying terrorists have kidnapped his dog... time to save the world...