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Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual similes and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners with a twist on them that only I B4 E could pull off. So, without further ado and mumbo-jumbo and long rambling and boring drivel; I present you I B4 E's sports similes and metaphors.
I have a feeling this blog is going to drift across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball couldn't.
- Some sports announcers need to just shut up. For some of them it seems like their thoughts just tumble in their heads, making and breaking alliances like underwear in a dryer without Cling Free.
- Why is Trent Green still playing? He is as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
- People keep saying that Al Davis might be losing it, but I think he has a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it has rusted shut.
- Why is everyone so shocked that Tony Romo is hot for Jessica Simpson? I mean look at her. Her face is a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
- Is it just me or does it seem like if Belichick ever manages a laugh it would be a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
- I don't see why nobody wants T.O. on their team. He grows on a team like he was a colony of E. Coli, and the team was room-temperature roast beef.
- I have this feeling that once Glenn Dorsey learns nuances of the NFL and he sacks the quarterback, it will like the QB falling 12 stories and hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
- Why do I get the feeling that when Shaun Alexander finally realizes that he is no longer wanted in Seattle, the news will hit him like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine?
- When David Tyree made that catch in SB XLII to keep the game-winning drive alive for the Giants, the whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
- I B4 E's vocabulary is as bad as, like, whatever.
I hope you all enjoyed this. I tried to speak with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.