FanNation - The Republic of Sport

Here it is, part 2 of our season finale.  If you didn't read part 1, it's here.  If you did read it, but thought it wasn't funny, you're wrong.  It was hilarious.  Read it again.  If you thought it WAS funny, you're ready for part two.  Congratulations.  This should suffice as a memory refresher...

Josh:  Um… Dan… do you remember what just happened?

Voice-Over: Last week, on The Friday Debates:

Goodell: Gentlemen, I have a proposal for you.

VO: An illicit business deal…

Dan: You know Goodell is going to scam us?

Josh: The NFL doesn’t take prisoners, they rape and pillage they do.

VO: A surprise visitor…

[knock on the door]

Josh: Well, that would be Elton John then.

Dan and Josh:  eeeeeeeew.

VO: An encrypted note…

Josh:  It’s the Da Vinci Code.

VO: A prayer…

Josh:  Jesus… you’re hopeless.

VO: A genocide plot…

Goodell:  We need to be sure they die out.

Dan: Suffocate them with saturation!

Driftwood:  Well, the ramifications with the court system could be problematic.

VO:  Dan’s struggles with spousal abuse…

Dan:  Can you slap a little Celine on one?

VO: Josh’s struggles with his left nut…

Josh:  Dan… I’m just going to let that one drop.

VO:  And an evil they never thought they’d face…

Josh:  Holy Flying Turd Sandwich!

VO:  Up next… The Friday Debates’ season finale… part two.

Dan: So we’ve got 12 owners lined up, for this league that Roger Goodell wants us to start up so that we can oversaturate the market with football leagues and only the NFL survives, for which Goodell gave us ten billion dollars in an overseas bank account. 

Josh:  Why the heck did you just say all that?

Dan:  You know how sometimes the “previously on” on a TV show doesn’t really help you much, and you need a lot of exposition in the show itself to catch everybody up on what they may or may not have missed?

Josh:  Yeah.

Dan:  So the characters are forced to say awkward lines that no one would actually say?

Josh:  Yeah.

Dan:  I hate that.

Josh:  This is what you think about when you’re in the shower?

Dan:  No, she is.  [points out window, where Kate Winslet can be seen trying to figure out how one gets out of a car with a steering wheel on the left side]

Josh:  Oh my God!

Dan:  She’s here!

Josh:  I know!

Dan:  At my apartment!

Josh:  At our league offices!

Driftwood:  What’s the big deal?  I think Jessica Alba is way hotter.

Dan: Watch it, Driftwood, lest ye be defenestrated once again.

Driftwood:  Hey, wait, this is a garden apartment.  There’s no drop out the window.  Your threats are useless!

Josh:  There are thorns.

Dan:  Nasty ones.  They’ll tear off half your flesh.  Just watch it.

Josh:  All right, Dan, we’ve got a situation.  Two hot women are coming to your apartment.  We both want Kate, but if we both go for Kate, we’ll offend Scarlett, and then one of us gets a hottie, and one gets none.  So one of us should just take one for the team and take second place, know what I mean?

Dan:  It’s very kind of you to volunteer.

Josh:  I was thinking coin toss.

Dan:  You love tossing coins, don’t you?

Josh:  Yes.

Dan:  In fact, you love tossing most things, don’t you?

Driftwood:  Do you two want to be left alone? 

Josh:  Shut up, Otis.

Dan:  Actually… yes.

Driftwood:  What?

Dan:  We would very much like to be left alone.  Get some alone time, know what I mean?

Driftwood:  So you are…?

Josh:  No, we’re not!  Dan, what--?

Dan:  Just don’t tell Josh’s parents, they’re old-school and he’s not ready for them to find out yet.

Josh:  He’s lying.

Driftwood:  Look, I just--yeah, I’ll leave you two alone.  Looks like things are under control anyway.

Dan:  Not for long, they won’t be. [Puts arm around Josh]

[Driftwood runs awkwardly out of the room]

Dan:  Sorry, you want some disinfectant or something?

Josh:  What was all that about?

Dan:  You wanted Otis B. Gamekill around when Kate walks in that door?

Josh:  Ohhhhhhhhhh!  I get it!

Dan:  So, coin toss.

Josh:  Right.  Okay, heads I get Kate, tails you get Scarlett.

Dan:  Great.  Go.

[Josh tosses coin]

Josh:  Heads.  Kate’s mine.

Dan:  I swear that thing’s loaded, I always lose.

[Kate enters, looking luscious as always]

Kate:  Well if it isn’t my two favorite Yanks. 

Dan: We’re your favorite?!

Kate:  Everyone loves to be worshipped. 

Josh:  Jesus!

Kate:  Especially him.

Josh:  No, I meant - look out the window!

[A cavalcade pulls in front of the apartment building.  First is the Madden Cruiser, followed by a 1960s Aston Martin, a black SUV with tinted windows and the Nevada license plate GMBL HRD, a white limo with rhinestones and “Solitary Man” painted in purple on the side, an Escalade with shiny rims and “VY” painted on the hood, a scarlet-colored BMW Z3, a brown Volvo with the bumper sticker “A Freudian Slip: When you say one thing, and mean your mother,” a Harley-Davidson whose rider wears a helmet that says “Lavay,” a Dodge Neon with a gigantic yellow novelty hat on top, the CBC company Cadillac, and finally another limo flying four American flags, surrounded by Secret Service SUVs.]

Dan: Huh, look at that…the Fitzgeralds put out new pink flamingoes!

Josh: That’s what you have to say?  That’s it?  A former President is outside, and you are admiring some plastic birds?

Dan: You really don’t get sarcasm, do you?

Kate: Oh, hey, I’ve got some goggles for that!

[Just then a door opens, a well dressed man, in a leather Tennessee Titans jacket walks in.  Looks around the room, and then makes his way over to Dan and Josh]

Man: Are you Dan and Josh?

Kate: Of course they bloody are, you don’t think I would be Dan or Josh, do you?

Josh: Where have you been all my life?

Dan: What can we do for you sir?

Man: I’m Russell T. Hanrihan.  I’m Vince Young’s attorney.  He wanted your permission to place this microphone in the room, and he’ll be listening to the meeting from his “ride”.  Due to the restraining order.

Josh: Oh, come on…I wander into his house one time…

Hanrihan: You wandered into his house, tried on his underwear, slept in his bed, and well, we won’t talk about the Jacuzzi incident in the presence of a female.

Dan: What Jacuzzi incident?

Josh: It was nothing…I mean, the jets just felt so nice…

Hanrihan: As I said, Mr. Young will attend the meeting from his Escalade.  If anything is needed to be signed, I’ll come back on the premises and bring the documents to him.  Good day.

Kate: Later.  [Hanrihan leaves, and Kate turns to Josh and Dan] What a wanker.  Josh, I’ve got a Jacuzzi, you should come by sometime….

Josh: [Picking his jaw off the ground] Um…Dan…we need to get this meeting over fast.

Dan: [Turning and screaming] Driftwood!!!

Driftwood: [Running in from the kitchen] For the last time, I didn’t touch you Care Bears the Movie DVD!

Josh: [Under his breath to Kate] He’s very protective of his Care Bears [They both snicker]

Dan: [Shoots them a dirty look and turns to Driftwood] Did you setup the [dramatic voice] Round Table.

Driftwood: Well, we didn’t have a round table…in fact, you really didn’t have any tables…I did find some cinder blocks, and a couple of doors though…

Josh: We have 10 billion and…

Driftwood: 9.9 Billion and a stupid car.

Josh: Shut up about that Driftwood.

Dan: Yeah, I didn’t see you putting up much of a fuss when Josh made that purchase.

Josh: Yeah, and how was I supposed to know it wasn’t the Real General Lee?

Driftwood: Well, the fact that is was a Geo Metro might have been a tip off.

Dan: He does have a point there, mate.

Josh: Thanks Crocodile Dundee…let’s get back to Driftwood’s screw-up…we have 9.9 billion dollars and we’re going to be forming a new football league…and we’ll be meeting around some old doors and cinder blocks?

Driftwood: I did the best I could, in the time allotted.  It took me awhile to get all your neighbors evicted from this place, so we could have a proper headquarters.

Dan: Fine, just show the guests into the Lipton Soup Mix Conference room.

Driftwood: Your wish is my command. [Driftwood exits the apartment]

Josh: Oooh…did we sign a sponsorship deal?

Dan: Nah, it was that weird old lady’s apartment…and it always has, and always will smell of Lipton soup mix…so what the heck, just go with it.

Josh: Well, if we’re naming places after smells, I’m calling you office the “Wombat Den”.

Kate: I thought he was into Care Bears?

Josh: Yes, but Care Bears aren’t real…

Dan: Just shut up, and let’s get ready to do this.

[The boys and Kate turn and look out the window as Driftwood greets all the celebs and shows them to the Lipton Soup Mix Conference room…also know as apartment 1C.]

Kate: Well, I’ll leave you boys to get freshened up.

[Kate walks out to join the other owners heading toward the meeting.  Clinton gives her a quick once over and engages her in conversation.  Kate smiles, points towards the boys, and then walks away.  Clinton looks over at the window and smiles.  He gives the boys a big thumbs up, and then heads into apartment 1C.]

Dan: You ready to do this?

Josh: I have no clue what to say…

Dan: That’s never stopped you before, trust me on this.

Josh: I’m not talking about right this very second, I’m talking about when we walk in that room…what the hell are we going to say?  We’ve spent all this time calling a bunch of celebs…

Dan: Well, Driftwood did that…

Josh: Right…well, we had to buy the building and evict all the other tenants…

Dan: Driftwood again…

Josh: Right…well, we had to come up with a name for the league…

Dan: We came up with LOAF in like 5 seconds.

Josh: Oh yeah…well…we spent all that time on Ebay looking for the General Lee…

Dan: That was you, and it took you 5 minutes, and your first bid was a million dollars.

Josh: Fine.  Well, we just haven’t had anytime to think up what to say to these people.

Dan: Well, you were the one that felt we HAD to finish off all the Guinness.  But you’re right about one thing…

Josh: Really?  What?

Dan: I have no clue what to say.

Josh: Glad you came around…so what should we do?  I don’t have the stomach to debate about things in front of all these weirdos.

Dan: We just need a plan, that's all. 

Josh: Great, a plan.  Um... you say everything, and I'll nod in agreement.

Dan: Okay, let's practice.  Josh is a whiny wussbag.  [pause]  No, see, you were supposed to nod there, this will never work.

Josh: If I'm a wussbag, what does that make you?

Dan: Awesome.  Here's an idea - we'll start by figuring out all the team names.  Easy, fun, break the ice a little bit.

Josh: Good call - then we'll get into the rules of play...

Dan: Format of the season and playoffs...

Josh: And then we kick everyone out and I go to Kate's jacuzzi, and you two can—

Dan: Hopefully mud wrestle.

Josh: Great, you and Neil Diamond can mud wrestle.

Dan: Ha ha.  So, we've got a plan.

Josh: Yes.

Dan: So we should go in there now and have a hilarious conversation with all our favorite characters from episodes past.

Josh: Yes.

[pause]

Dan: I'm nervous.

Josh: Me too.

[pause]

Dan: You know what I hate about TV shows?  Season finales.  They build up all this suspense, and set up all these moments you can't wait to see, and you wonder how they're going to possibly tie it off in the next ten minutes, and then it's just over.  It's just some stupid dud ending to make you look forward to the season premiere next year.  And why does somebody always have to maybe die?  Do they really think I'm going to spend the entire summer stressing about whether or not Michael Vartan is actually dead?  It's so stupid.  It's like the studios giving a big middle finger to their audience.

Josh: This is what you think about when you're brushing your teeth?

[scream offstage, Driftwood bursts into the room]

Driftwood: Ohmigodohmygodohmygod, it's terrible!  Come quick?

Dan: What is it, boy?

Josh: He's trying to tell us something!

Driftwood: It's Clinton--he's... he's—

Dan: The former president?

Josh: A notorious womanizer?

Dan: Really a chick?

Josh: Thus making Hillary the lesbian we always expected she was?

Driftwood: Dead!

Dan: Wait, what?

Driftwood: He saw Scarlett and Kate hugging and choked on a piece of lamb kabob.  He's dead.

Dan: Oh my God.

Josh: This is terrible.

Dan: Dreadful.

Josh: Horrible.

Dan: Catastrophic.

Josh: Kate and Scarlett were hugging and we missed it?!

[Dan and Josh run into the conference room]

And that's the end of our season finale.  As long as there's no FanNation writers' strike, we'll be back in a few months.  Thanks again to everyone who reads this drivel, for making us feel like this is a good use of our time.  And thank you, Kate Winslet, for being our muse.  None of this would be possible without you.

But there is hope on the horizon...although Dan and Josh will be taking some time off to go into rehab, Lilwound and BS will be carrying on the Friday Debate tradition.  Tune in next week for their first spin around the block....

It might not be the same, but it will be distracting.