Met-aphorically Speaking

Just a few rambling thoughts about this weekend’s series with the Braves:

…This series will be bookended by tremendous pitching. Maine vs. Hudson tonight and Santana vs. Smoltz on Sunday may be the two best MLB matchups this weekend. In fact the whole series would be epic if it wasn’t for Saturday’s game, in which………

………the Mets will face off against none other than Tom Glavine — a matchup that the former Met says is “a bit awkward.” I believe Glavine will have a nostalgic lapse of control in the first inning, but will settle down and go six passable innings, just to spite Mets fans who can’t stop thinking about Tom’s last performance in blue and orange. The Mets will be countering with………

………Mike Pelfrey, who just realized that his clock is ticking closer and closer to 15 minutes. Though the team will never purposely lower a player’s value, I fully expect Saturday’s performance to be a defining one for Pelf. If he doesn’t pitch well, his name will have approximately the same value as………

………Bill Pulsipher, who has nothing to do with the current Mets, other than his slight resemblance to………

………Mike Hampton, who was placed on nine different 15-day DLs, and one 60-day DL, just in the amount of time it took me to write this. Hampton sucks, and it seems increasingly likely that Mike has lost the battle against his aging body, which also reminds me of………

………Orlando “El Duque” Hernandez, who may be asked to rush his brittle ass back from the DL if Pelfrey, or any other AAA call-up can’t cut the mustard - a condiment that evokes memories of………

………world-renowned hot dog centerfielder Andruw Jones, who won’t be facing the Mets nearly as much this season. Jones, as we all know, stole a ton of Dodger money this offseason even though his numbers are falling in a big way. Still, the Braves - even with Mark Teixiera and Yunel Escobar - aren’t nearly as threatening as the rest of the league makes them out to be. This seems a lot like………

………Lastings Milledge, who quickly cooled off after a hot opening day. Milledge, go have a great season in DC and shut your **** mouth. I don’t think your new bosses are happy you and Paulie continue to talk about being treated badly by the Mets…which the opposite of………

………Jeff Francoeur, the Braves right fielder, who has quietly become one of the more feared hitters in baseball. He goes opposite field better than just about anyone in the game, and is a more patient hitter this season, as well. Oh, I can’t wait for this guy to become a free agent, much like………

………Mike Piazza, Jeff Weaver, Claudio Vargas, David Wells, Freddy Sanchez, Robinson Tejeda, and even that gasbag Barry Bonds. Every one of these players has been linked to the Mets at one point or another in this past offseason. Other than Big Mike (whom we thank for his past and continued interest in our team), the rest of these guys need to just stop. Seriously. Let it go. For most of you, it’s over. For those who are still of prime (-ish) playing age, your services will not be needed, because despite the loss of Pedro, the Mets are not in any kind of pitching dilemma………

………like you all will see very clearly this weekend against the Braves.



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