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Lilwound
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We've been handed the reigns to one of the most popular blogs on FanNation, and we fully intend to drive that right into the ground before we hand then back.  We're not here to be funnier than Josh and Dan (but we are) and we're not here to replace Josh and Da (but we are), we're just here to keep a good thing moving (define good...).  So without further ado I give you the NEW the DIFFERENT, Friday Debate! (hold for applause...and GO)

(Edgar and BS sit in the Friday Debate radio studio, randomly flipping switches.)

BS: I don’t know how any of this stuff works.
Edgar: (flipping switches) It’s like you need to be smart or something to make this sh—{silence} I mean if there was a person as dumb as Josh who {silence}…I’d rip a hole in his {silence} then sled down the hill in his hollowed out stom—{silence}—it was a dream about this incredibly huge—{silence} and the Wombat kicked me in the Jimmy.
BS: Wait… I think we’re on.
Edgar: No… if we were on that red light that says “on-air” would be flashing. (Edgar points to the flashing light that says “On-Air”.)  Crap.
BS: G'day Mates!
Edgar: Hi.
BS: Hey, stupid, we're down under, remember?
Edgar: Oh, right.  Cheerio, Guv'nah!
BS: (under his breath) I can't believe I signed up to work with this guy.
Edgar: What?
BS: Nothing, let's continue.  Welcome one and all to the Friday Debate Down Under, presented by Josh and Dan.  I am BS "Kangaroo" Chwartz...
Edgar: And I am Edgar "Wombat" Von Awesome--wait.
BS: What?
Edgar: Your REAL name is BS?
BS: Yeah.
Edgar: BS Chwartz?
BS: Yeah.
Edgar: Your last name is Chwartz?
BS: Yeah...
Edgar: I always thought your last name was Schwartz and like the B stood for Brett or Bob or Brillo.
BS: Brillo? Nope. Just BS.
Edgar: Huh, you think you know a guy...
BS: Anyways, as we're just getting to know this place, and you're just getting to know us, we're taking the time today to field a few questions from our listening audience.
Edgar: Listening audience? How can we have a listening audience?  Isn't it more like a reading audience, or at the very least viewing audience?
BS: It's called imagination, use it.
Josh: I told you this would never work.
Dan:  You're the one who said "Comedy runs in the family."
BS: Oh, ladies and gentlemen, we're blessed to have in our studios the two masterminds of the Friday Debates, our producers, the comic legends themselves, Josh and Dan.
Josh: We've been standing here the whole time.
BS: Does no one understand the illusion I'm trying to create here?
Dan: BS, trust me, you're just going to have to get used to it, as a family they're not exactly the freshest beers on the coffee table, if you catch my meaning.
Edgar: Hey, Josh how's it going?
Josh: It's been pretty good, enjoying some time off you know. Relaxing, hanging out with my daughter, enjoying a little R and R.
Edgar: Cool, cool.  So how is your daughter doing anyways?
BS: Guys can you guys talk after the show?
Edgar: Oh, yeah.  I'm a radio host now, did you hear about that Josh?
Josh: It's a blog buddy, but yeah you are! Thumbs up, big guy!
Dan: Wow.
BS:  Okay.  Enough of this; Josh and Dan, why don't you guys start screening callers?
Dan: Whoa, whoa, whoa!  Screening calls?
Josh: We're not your secretaries.
Edgar: No, but in BS's illusion-
BS: Our Radio show.  The illusion will never work if you keep breaking the fourth wall.
Edgar: Fine.  In a RADIO SHOW {winks at BS}the producers are the ones who typically cut to commercial, keep the time, and most importantly screen and patch calls.  
BS:  So get to it B***hes!  
Edgar: I love contract technicalities.
(Josh and Dan go into the producers booth mumbling incoherently to one another.  Something about Roger Goodell and a grave injustice.)
BS: Well, while we're waiting on some callers, why don't we tell a little about our selves, Edgar you wanna start?
Edgar: Sure!
(pause)
BS: Are you gonna start?
Edgar: You meant now?  Oh, my fault.  Well, I'm a Pisces.  I have a recently developed obsession with wombats.  I was born and raised a White Sox fan.  Baseball season is the reason I live.  My favorite colors are black, white, and silver.  My favorite date is October 26, 2005.  My favorite building in history is Comiskey Park, the original, of course.  My all time favorite players are in no particular order, Joe Jackson, Carlton Fisk, Frank Thomas, and Mark Buerhle.  My favorite kind of sock is-
BS: White, we get it you're a White Sox fan.
Edgar: I was gonna say argyle...
BS:  (ignoring Edgar) As for me, I'm a Libra, wait I'm not doing it all gay like you.  Let’s start from the top--crap did I say top?
Edgar: I always pegged you for a bottom.
BS: Right on cue… That ones a freebie, Edgar. Anyway, I'm a life long Braves fan. Actually, a Braves fan by birth since I was born in Atlanta in October. Then again that was in the 80's so the Braves didn't play in October. My favorite players are Mark Teixeira, as long as he stays in Atlanta, Brian McCann, Tom Glavine, feels good to say that in public again, John Smoltz, Chipper Jones....
Edgar: Are you going to sit here and name off the whole flippin team?
BS: Yep. I was planning on it. Well maybe not the whole team. I mean Chuck James hasn't won me over.  And I don't know about Kotsay either.
Edgar: Moving on
BS:  Wait, YOU are on topic? HA-HA, this should be good.
Edgar: What? I have to wait on your illusion to continue? Or whatever we decided this thing is…
BS: Oh no, continue please, this should be good.
Edgar: Well, as you were saying before—Hey, I heard that there was supposed to be a green room with like whiskey and beer or something.
BS: Way to stay on topic.  But yes, we have liqour in the producer’s booth.
Edgar:  Oh crap.
BS: What?
Edgar:  Well, if the alcohol is in there…
BS: Yeah…
Edgar: and Dan and Josh are in there…
BS: Yeah…
Edgar: We won’t have anything to drink…
BS: Yeah…
Edgar: That’s all I got.
BS: Yeah…
(There’s a loud crash from the producers booth, as a keg comes crashing through into the main studio.  Sounds of boisterous laughing, and incoherent mumbling, with random fits of giggling, fill the studio.)
BS: Okay, so things to remember for next week: don’t put Josh and Dan into the same room as the beer.
Edgar: (Lifting one side of the keg) Holy Crap! It’s empty… They were in there for like ten minutes…what do they have Roger Goodell in there with them?
Josh: (Talking to Dan)So what you’re saying is, if you take a bath in Guinness… you like absorb the alcohol and get drunker?
Dan: Yeah, I think so…Depends on how much of it you drink, I think…
Josh: Well, I’m not feeling drunk yet, we should drink more of it.
BS: Hey can you guys TRY to stay focused for just a bit longer?
Josh: No promises.
Edgar: Well, can you patch a caller?
Dan: Nope.
BS: Well why not?
Josh: No one’s called yet.
BS:  Well this is starting well—
Josh: Maybe the phones broken.  Pick it up and check
(Dan picks up the phone.)
Dan: ‘Ello? (to BS and Edgar) Oh—oh… YOU HAVE A CALLER!!!  (Into the phone) Hello… ok… what… no… oh… what are you wearing?... oh yeah?... ok… hang on.  {to Edgar} Hey, it’s your mom, I’ll patch her through.
Edgar: Hey mom!
Edgar’s Mom: Josh?
Edgar: No, Mom, it’s me, Edgar.
Edgar’s Mom: Oh, I’m sorry sweetie, I was trying to call Josh on his little radio program.
Edgar: Well no, mom it’s actually MY show now.
Edgar’s Mom: Oh, that’s nice.  Well, can you give him a message.  Tell him I tried to call his radio show, and I always listen.
Edgar: Well, no mom, it’s actually my show now.
BS: OUR show.
Edgar’s Mom: Oh, was that Daniel?
Edgar: No, Mom that’s BS.  We took over the show from Josh and Dan.
Edgar’s Mom: Oh, well… Umm… do you know when they’ll be back?
Edgar: Probably in the fall sometime…
Edgar’s Mom: Oh well, I’ll just try to catch them then. Bye Honey!
Edgar: Mom, Wait!
(Click)
BS: Ouch, dude.
(More laughter from the booth)
Edgar: We can move on now.
BS: Yeah, probably a good idea… Do we have any actual callers now?
Josh: Yeah, we finally figured this thing out.  See, these phones have lights instead of ringers… so like, we were listening for a ring… but then there wasn’t one because there were just lights.
BS: Fantastic.
Edgar: So… do we have any callers?
Josh: Oh yeah, we’ll patch them through.
Dan: Ok your first caller is Mac from... from-- {to Josh} Man I can't believe you got us signed up for this crap. (gives evil eye to Josh)
Edgar: It's so hard to find good help these days.
BS: Yeah I guess we will have to keep looking, anyway to the caller.  You're on MAC.
Mac: Yeah my question is for Josh...
Josh: Yead go ahead—
Edgar: No Jerkwad, you can't talk to them, it's OUR show.
BS: Maybe not the best idea to call our caller's "jerkwad"
Edgar:  Yeah but he is.
BS: You can’t insult our callers just because your mom doesn’t love you...
Edgar: YOUR Mom doesn’t love you…
BS: Whatever… Mac do you have anything to ask us?
Mac: Umm... Sure, are you guys planning on debating anything? Or is this just going to be more of those really long wacky mis-adventure that nobody really reads?
Edgar: (turns to BS) See what I mean, 100% grade "A" Jerk-wad.
Mac: You know I can hear you, right?
Edgar:  You mean that you can read me.  Wait... That doesn't sound right.
Josh: Just answer the guy's question so we can get out of here.
BS: Yes SIR!
(Same time)
BS: Debate
Edgar:
Wacky mis-adventures
BS: Debate is in the name of the show.
Edgar: Since when does that matter?
BS: Since people come here to listen to a debate
Edgar: Nah, they come here because they want to hear about the crazy life and times of Edgar Von Awesome
BS: Yeah, keep thinking that.
Edgar: Wait, this is becoming a debate.  See, you see how I did that. I have to say I'm a freakin’ gunius.
BS: You misspelled genius.
Edgar:  Thought it was a radio show, man I can never keep up with you.
BS:  NEXT CALLER!
Josh: Your next caller is a goat.
Edgar: Like a “bah-bah” goat…
BS: or like the acronym G.O.A.T.
Josh: umm… the Acromimimim…mim….yeah, that one.
Edgar: HA-HA, this should be good.
BS: GOAT you're on.
GOAT: Hey guys, wow I'm on the show.  This is sweet.  I'm actually on the show. I mean I....
Edgar: Can you ask us a question before you get a little TOO excited and need a new pair of boxers.
GOAT:  Why would I wet myself if I'm happy to be on the show?
Edgar: Well Junior when a guy and a girl are together and the guy is really into it--
(quickly grabbing Edgar's mic)
BS: OK! We've obviously reached a topic that Edgar is all too familiar with.  GOAT, why don't you ask that question?
GOAT: Yeah, sure. My question is, with the great talent in this year's draft do you think that OJ Mayo could benefit for another year at USC.  I mean with their great class coming in I really feel that he could elevate his game next year and become a MUCH better player before he makes the jump to the NBA.  Just wondering what you guys think.
Edgar: That's a stupid question… It has nothing to do with baseball.  Besides, they pay you to play in the pros, they don't pay you to play in the NCAA.  
BS:  Don't tell that to Reggie Bush.
Edgar: HEHE, "BUSH"
BS: Really? Is this what I get to look forward to?
Dan: yeah pretty much, it really just goes downhill from here.
BS: WOW, ok.  GOAT, are you still there?
Edgar: NOPE! I hung up on that fool.
BS: Why would you want to do that?
Edgar: Do what?
BS:  Hang up on GOAT.
Edgar:  I already did.
BS: But why?
Edgar: Cause your FACE, that’s why!
Dan: (falls out of his chair on the floor) HA-HA, good luck BS, this is going to be classic. It's like a younger, uglier, less funny, brain damaged version of Josh.  HA-HA.
Edgar:  What? Not cool Dan, not cool.  I am not uglier than Josh.  If anything we’re on par… not cool.
BS: And that’s all you feel slighted by in that statement?
Edgar: Well, I am younger.
Josh: And on to the next caller.  You have BigBen on the line.
BigBen: Thanks, Hey guys looking into the upcoming NFL draft who do you think will be th (CLICK)
BS: Edgar did you just cut him off?
Edgar: Yeah didn't seem like that was really going anywhere.
BS: You know you can't hang up on people just because they don't have baseball questions, right?
Edgar: Why the hell not, it's my show.
BS: OUR show.  OUR’s.  And, you realize that you have pissed off about half of our viewing audience in all of about 5 min.
Edgar: Sure, 3 people is half of our viewing audience and you want to blame me?
BS: Ok, we are going to take one more call.  Edgar, don't touch any buttons.
Dan: We got some guy calling from Montana, or some other backward ass empty state…
BS: Okay, the way to get listeners is to NOT make fun of all of them.
Edgar: Go ahead, ass-backward state guy…
BS: I need a new partner.
{There is nothing on the other line but heavy breathing.}
BS: Caller, You’re on the air.
{more, heavy breathing.}
BS: Are you there caller?
Caller: I’m gonna beat that wombat with an oar! Woo-Hoo! Woo-Hoo! (click)
BS: That may have been the most disturbing, weirdest moment in radio history.
Edgar: I can top that.  Give me a bit of time.
BS: Lets not try.  
Edgar: The challenge is already there, my friend.
BS: This may be the ONLY show I do with you.  Let’s just take a call. Who do we have next?
Josh: We have rstowe on the line.
Edgar:  Let’s hear your crappy question, Samwise.
Rstowe: It’s Rstowe, actually… But, um, I'm getting a late start with my fantasy league.  Our draft is coming up this week, and I have the first pick. I would look at Pujols, but he has elbow issues, so who do you suggest?
Edgar: You have fantasies about Albert Pujols?  That's gross.
BS: Do you even know what a fantasy team is?
Edgar: Umm... Sure, why don't you tell our viewers so they know.
BS: It is where you draft players to a team and get points based on their stats.
Edgar: See, I totally knew that.
Rstowe: So who should I pick?
Edgar: I'm going to have to say Joe Jackson. Despite, that scandal thing, that guy had AMAZING numbers.  You will win your game for sure.  You’ll want someone with a lot of balance in there game, like a Willie Mays, Teddy Ballgame, or heck, Babe Ruth would be a great choice—Yeah, there are a lot of players you could and should pick over Pujols, even if he was healthy.
BS: It has to be current players.
Edgar: OH, well in that case, as much as I distain the guy, you really can't go wrong with the regular season numbers that A-Rod can put up.
BS: Did you take that off of ESPN's website?
Edgar: Don't give me that.  If this "fantasy league" is based solely on stats, that's the guy you want.  He's like a skunk with a diamond in his stomach, valuable as all hell, but when it comes down to it he stinks like ass.  You take away the stinky exterior of the A-Rod celebrity, and you're left with a diamond covered in skunk guts.  I guess what I'm trying to say, the guy gave you stats last year, expect more of the same this year.  Early second round, I'd consider picking up Paul Konerko or Jim Thome.  Their stats weren't fantastic last year, but I'll guarantee you, with the rejuvenated new-look line-up the Sox have both will put up good numbers this season... I'm talking like 40/100, especially in a homer friendly park like U.S. Cellular.
BS:  That actually had a few hints of logical thought...Where did that come from?
Josh: (in the background) HIS ****
Edgar: Told you I love baseball. Why don't you make a pick, smart-ass.
BS: Well I really think that Mark Teixeira, while he may not be your #1 pick, would be a great guy to pick up early.  Tex looked great after the trade last year, and with this being a contract year his numbers should be off the charts.
Edgar: (cough) HOMER! (cough)
BS: WHAT? You picked Thome and Konerko?
Edgar: Yeah cause I'm right.
BS: Yeah, sure, you’re always right.
Edgar: Your face is always right.
BS: OKAY, then.  Well I hope that answered your question, caller.
Rstowe: umm... Thanks I guess.
Edgar: Anytime
BS: Well, I think we have time for one more caller; Dan? Josh? You got anyone else for us?
(Pause)
Edgar: They’re gone.  There’s a note…
BS: What’s it say.
Edgar: “Guinness tasted like Dan’s armpits…Finding fresh Guinness.  Go fu—“ umm… All it says is finding Guinness, that’s all, nothing more.
BS: Morons.
Edgar: We can find new help next week.  Let’s get a hot receptionist…like maybe--
BS: If you say Kate Winslet, I quit right now.
Edgar: No, man.  My brother loves the red-heads.  I was thinking more of Rachel McAdams.
BS: Now we’re talking.
Edgar: Well, to our listeners…er, readers… um… the people of FanNation…, thanks for coming by this week, we hope you’ll join us again.
BS: Next week, we’ll have plenty to talk about with MLB baseball really hitting full swing and an upcoming NFL draft.
Edgar: We have to talk football?
BS: Would you rather talk Golf or NASCAR?
Edgar: Fine, we can talk football. But I was going to get Mark Buerhle as a guest next week, and I don’t know if he knows anything about football
BS: Yeah well…. Wait, Mark Buerhle? Really? From the White Sox? On our show?
Edgar: I know a guy who knows a guy.
BS: This I’ve got to see
Edgar: That’s what she said.
BS: So until next time; Good-day Mates!
Edgar: Cheerio!
BS: God you’re an idiot.
(Pause)
BS: And…I think we’re clear.
Edgar: Pretty good first debate, huh?
BS: What debate?  There was no debate.
Edgar: There never is on the Friday debate.  Besides, for what it was it was pretty good, right?
BS: Yeah, if by pretty good you mean piece of—
Edgar: BS! That flashy light is still on.
BS: Oh fu—
(Click)

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